La Vita Nuova
by Jenn1987
Summary: "Courtly love was a medieval European conception of nobly and chivalrously expressing love and admiration. Generally, it was kept secret and not practiced between husband and wife." The secret life of Bella Swan & Edward Cullen: 1996 - 2014. AH/AU, OOC.
1. July 17, 1996 & August 29, 2004

"Courtly love was a medieval European conception of nobly and chivalrously expressing love and admiration. Generally, courtly love was secret and between members of the nobility. It was also generally not practiced between husband and wife." - Wikipedia.

_**La Vita Nuova**_

**_July 17, 1996 -_**

I was asleep in my room when suddenly, there was a light tapping on my window. At first, I was scared. I thought it was a monster or someone trying to creep in. But then, I realized it was Eddie, the kid from across the street.

I'd known him for a while and we always played together when I came to visit my daddy - but why was he outside in my tree, banging on my window this late at night in his pajamas? I got out of bed and walked to the window, opening it as quietly as I could so that I didn't wake Daddy.

"What are you doing?" I whispered.

He looked scared. I wondered if something bad had happened to his family.

"Can I sleep in your room tonight?"

"What?" I asked. I thought I didn't hear him right.

"My parents - they're fighting. It woke me up and I can't go back to asleep because they're so loud. Can I stay here?"

I looked behind me and listened for my Daddy's snore. If I could still hear it, he hadn't woken up when Eddie climbed the tree - which appeared to be the case.

"Okay," I agreed. "I guess you can sleep on the floor." I turned around and walked back to my bed as he hurried in and took a few steps forward, glancing around anxiously.

"Thanks," he finally muttered.

I threw a blanket and a pillow on the floor next to my bed. "Don't mention it."

I got comfortable again and laid down, fluffing the blankets around my legs. He followed suit on the carpet, rolling away from me to face the window.

I thought about asking him why he didn't go to Tanya's or Jake's, but then I remembered the everyone else was away at camp for the next two weeks. I was the only other person home.

"Goodnight," he murmured.

"Goodnight," I said back to him.

And that was the last we ever spoke of it.

It happened a few more times that summer, more times than I really know. It got to a point where I just left the window open for him every night, a blanket and a pillow on the floor. I never brought it up and neither did he. It was our little secret. 

**_August 29, 2004 -_**

It was a hot day at Forks High School, the hottest first day of school on record. We were all sitting outside under the large oak tree, which had become a habitual hang out spot since ninth grade. As usual, Rosalie was suntanning, Alice was doing her homework, Emmett and Jake were wrestling a couple of feet away, and Jasper was throwing Cheetos at them from his spot next to Alice. Edward was taking pictures of the chaos as Tanya, who sitting between his legs, sifted through a magazine.

As for me? Well, my customary spot was leaning against said oak tree as I enjoyed the revery. I had been trying to get some of Dante's "La Vita Nuova" out of the way before English next period. The assigned reading had been due for homework over the summer, but the eight of us had wasted those days away partying on Alice's parents' yacht. Needless to say, none of us got our summer work done until the week before school started.

Jake and I had been officially together almost as long as the rest of the couples, a little over two years now to be exact. And I must say, the boy was damn near insatiable. It's really a shame that men and women hit their sexual peak at different times. Sometimes, I literally couldn't move after a round with that boy. He was the light of my life, my best friend, the only person to ever truly _know _me inside and out.

Jake pinned Emmett down for three seconds and was declared the winner by Jasper. He waltzed back over to his spot next to me, throwing his hands up in victory.

"Did you see that, babe? I nailed him," Jake exclaimed, placing a sweet kiss on my cheek as he plopped down next to me with a thud.

"Oh yeah? Did he take it like a champ or squeal like a pig?" I teased, not even bothering to look up from my book.

Jake laughed and leaned back, tossing one of my chips in his mouth.

"Emmett squeals like a pig anytime he loses," Edward announced with a chuckle, flashing his brilliant smile my way as he flashed his camera right in Emmett's face.

I involuntarily blushed and gave him an awkward smile in return.

Jake playfully hit Edward in the shoulder, agreeing with his joke and taunting Emmett further.

"I wonder if he squeals like that when Rose does him in the ass with her dildo," Jake joked.

Which only caused Rose to interject. "Hey!' she shouted. The look on her face suggested she was going to lash out at us all for fucking with Emmett. Instead, her mouth twisted into a devious little smirk as she proclaimed, "My man loves my dick, alright?"

We all burst into hysterics.

"Laugh it up," Emmet joked. "You can say whatever you want, but we all know Edward screeches like a hyena whenever you press -" Emmett leaned in an squeezed the tender part of Edward's arm under his armpit. "- right here."

Edward squirmed away from him and, just like Emmett predicted, screeched like a hyena.

Jake and I laughed harder, if that was possible, and Tanya stood, huffing her way towards Emmett. "Stop playing around, guys. I'm trying to read about Britney Spear's crotch over here," she joked, giving them a playful giggle.

Suddenly, the bell rang which announced that our fun was over. We'd certainly lucked out when we found out we were all on the same lunch schedule. We hated being apart from each other for any length of time, and lunch gave us just enough to catch up before rushing off to class again.

We were the best of friends. Ever since we were just little kids, we've all lived in the same cul-de-sac, with the exception of Alice and Jasper, who were two streets over and a house apart from each other. The seven of them went to school together since they were children, but I had been a part of the group every summer when I visited my dad. It was always like I never left.

Our situation was perfect, like we had formed a new family when our original ones failed to sustain us any longer.

Tanya and Edward had been a "couple" since elementary school, which seemed equally as cute as it was creepy. A kid shouldn't consider themselves "dating" another kid, especially so young, but they'd survived it somehow, even with annoying eight year olds screaming "Edward and Tanya sitting in a tree" at the top of their lungs. It was sweet, the way he was with her - like she was his best friend, the girl who knew everything about him and loved him anyway. He looked at her like she was the last thing he'd ever see, and she saw the same thing when her gaze fell on him. The sheer disgusting cuteness of it all was enough to make you sick to your stomach half the time.

Both sets of their parents were divorced and Tanya's mother had since started a new family. A new baby was much more interesting than two teenager daughters. Tanya was tall, lanky and blond, her tiny frame resembling the boyish-qualities modeling agencies often look for - all skeleton, no ass, no tits. Her tan was infamous in this small town, and the horny old geezers literally counted down the days until she busted out that first pair of daisy dukes.

Edward was a little taller than her, had bronze hair and emerald green eyes. Of course, he was gorgeous as well. The bone structure in his face seemed to channel Michelangelo's "David" if you really looked at him hard enough. Captain of our swim team, he was long and in incredible shape. In our cul-de-sac, Edward lived right across the street from me with Emmett and their father, Carlisle, who had taken to the life of a workaholic bachelor after his divorce. Tanya lived next door to them with her younger sisters, Carmen and baby Irina, and their mother, Maria.

Alice and Jasper made their relationship official freshman year at lacrosse try outs, even though they'd been friends for years. She'd accidentally hit him in the back of the head with a ball at full speed. He went down like a sack of potatoes. (I was actually a witness to this event, which was a lot funnier after the fact.)

When he woke up, she was leaning over him, incorrectly giving him mouth to mouth. He thought she was an angel, she thought he was going to kill her. Instead, he asked her to the movies the following weekend while he was being loaded into the back of the ambulance - to which, Alice's reply was "How hard did I throw that ball?" The rest is history.

Alice's folks were cookie cutter suburban middle class. Mom was a stay at home drunk, Dad was all business except for when he was cheating on his wife - which she knew about, and didn't seem to care. (I secretly thought she was screwing the pool boy, but Alice insisted that it was the gardener.) Jasper's mom had dropped him off at her sister's house before skipping town. She comes around every so often, for Christmas' and such, but never stays for very long and her encounters are typically not very pleasant. His father was in jail for drugs. It was possible that Jasper had never even met him - I'd never worked up the balls to ask.

Emmett and Rose were your typical high school class couple. Emmett was captain of - well - every sport he played. Football, Basketball, Lacrosse - he ran all of that shit. He and Edward were twins, fraternal, that is, and they couldn't have been more different. Where Edward was rather skinny, almost puny sometimes, Emmett looked like a steroid case. They were both incredibly intelligent, but Edward was driven and excelled by actually doing the four hours of homework at night required by Advanced Placement classes. Whereas Emmett was lazy, and knew he just had to keep a c-average to qualify for sport scholarships.

Rose was the head cheerleader, all three seasons and all four years. Others would run, but Emmett and Rose would be named prom King and Queen no matter what. Emmett stood around six foot four with the same green eyes as Edward and dimples that could melt ice. Rose was just as beautiful, standing five eight with silky blond hair and a rack like Jenna Jameson - except Rose's were real (at least as far as I knew.) Tanya's tan was infamous, but not quite as infamous as Rose's ass. She lived at the center of it all, between Jake and Tanya, merely two doors down from mine.

And that leaves my sexy piece of man meat, Jake. Black hair, gorgeous tan skin (all year round), a set of six pack abs that you could literally wash clothes against. Of course, I'd known Jake my entire life. He was part of the group every summer and lived right next door to me. Our fathers were best friends, and apparently we used to play together when we were both in diapers, though I don't remember much of it. But, as far back as I can remember, he was my summer treat - the one person I was most excited to see besides my father. Even when I'd go back to Phoenix, where I lived with my mother, Jake and I would still talk on the phone three or four times a week. Right before I left the last time, he planted a wet one on my lips underneath a willow tree in Forks National Park.

It was one of the sweetest things that had ever happened to me.

I was in love - no ifs, ands or buts about it.

I had to admit that he was a huge part of the reason I decided to move up here. Sure I loved my dad, but Jake was it for me - ya know?

Four years later, here we were, all of us, my summer family turned all year around entourage, happy as pie. They were the peanut butter to my jelly, the mac to my cheese.

We didn't need our parents. We didn't need our teachers or their pretentious rules or boundaries. We were the lost kids and that was just fine with us. (We may be lost to the world, but we'd be lost without each other - not like Keifer Sutherland.)

While we walked together in the hall, we talked about our plans for the weekend and the latest drama between the who's who of Forks High. Alice and Jasper broke off first to go to chemistry and Jake kissed me goodbye before going to biology, a class he shared with both Emmett and Rose. Eventually, it was just Edward and I, seeming to head to the same place.

"Do you have Avallone too this semester?" he asked, tilting his head my direction.

I pulled my schedule out of my back pocket and examined it closely. When I didn't answer in enough time, Edward ripped it out of my hands and started running down the hall like an idiot.

"Hey!" I shouted, running after him. He held it high above his head, teasing me as I caught up and jumped to grab it from him. This may not seem like a daunting task to many, but I stood merely five five, and his six foot one arm span was incredibly unfair.

I grabbed onto his shirt and used his shoulder as leverage as I tried again to snatch it from his hand, which off set our balance and caused us to go crashing into the lockers on the side of the hallway. Edward was pressed against me, toppling me pretty fricking hard into the hard metal. It hurt, but I couldn't stop giggling.

When I finally did stop laughing, I came to realize that Edward's face was merely centimeters from mine. He had this glorious smile that literally brought all of his features to life, something I hadn't realized about him before. And, God, he smelled so good - like Jake but in a different way. All man with a hint of chlorine and peppermint and Axe body spray, a side effect of this morning's swim practice, I gather.

Something stirred inside of me.

I didn't know how to describe it. A jolt ran through me as our skin connected - like an electric buzz or static charge. I felt like I'd stuck a staple into an electrical socket.

_What the hell was that?_

I didn't know.

But I liked it. A. Lot.

I felt overwhelmed with this desire to reach out and kiss him, a desire that was completely unfounded and out of the blue.

When he caught me gawking at him, practically drooling on the floor, he cleared his throat and realized the position we were in, slowly bringing the schedule to the side of my face with an awkward laugh. "Sorry for taunting you. You have Avallone."

I briskly nodded my head and snatched the paper out of his hands.

"See ya' in class," he whispered, turning to walk into the room.

He left me standing there, shell shocked and horny as hell in the English hallway.

_Holy hot-best-friend Batman._

What the fuck just happened?

Shit!

_What do I do now?_

I took a few deep breaths and looked wildly around me.

_Did he feel that too?  
_  
He had to have felt that._  
_

It was like that part in every John Hughes movie where Molly Ringwald starts seeing Judd Nelson in soft hues and there's some dramatic slow-mo entrance/exit while Peter Frampton plays in the background. I just had one of those moments - except I wasn't in a janitors closet.

The second bell rang and I realized that I had to push it out of my mind and walk into the classroom. As I entered, I looked at the seating chart on the projector and immediately felt my stomach drop. I was sitting next to Edward - the whole fucking year.  
_  
Okay, Bella,_ I thought to myself. _It was just an accident. Get over it. He's with Tanya, you're with Jake. It was nothing._

I casually walked over and sat down next to him, punching him in the shoulder almost as hard as I could. "You hurt my shoulder, punk."

"I'm sorry. I was just playing around."

"Well, don't crash me into the lockers next time," I chastised with a giggle.

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Alright, class," Ms. Avallone announced, marking role down in her notebook. She was a bit of a heavy set teacher with long brown hair and eyes that matched. "I hope you all received your summer assignments and that you have read up until chapter four of our first book. If not, you're behind. Catch up."

She turned off the projector, slid it out of the way and started writing on the chalk board.

"Welcome to Medieval literature," she started. "Can anyone tell me what this means?"

She turned around and pointed to the blackboard which read _"Courtly Love."_

I raised my hand.

"Yes, Miss -" She glanced at the seating chart. "Miss Swan."

"Courtly love was a theme throughout medieval literature where a guy would write poetry or prose pertaining to a beautiful woman, typically someone of nobility like a queen or a lady," I explained. "But they weren't in a relationship or anything, they were just _friends. _I guess."

"Excellent," Avallone said, giving me a gentle smile. "Has everyone read_ La Vita Nuova_ up until the assigned chapter?"

Most of the class nodded.

"And what did we learn about Dante from these first few chapters?"

"That Beatrice was with someone else when Dante first noticed her, that she was always with someone else, and yet, he loved her throughout it all," Angela, the quiet brunette in the back, answered.

"Exactly," Avallone continued. "In the first chapter, you see Dante and Beatrice's first encounter and how blown away he was by her beauty. Then she goes away and it's another nine years before she returns and he sees her again. This time, he's literally swept off his feet. But she's already married. And yet, he writes all of this, what would have been called, provocative poetry and prose for her; so provocative in fact that he admits to not be able to write all of it down. He secretly dotes upon her. Is this courtly love, in the traditional sense? Or do we think Dante is borderline obsessive-stalker creepy?"

"It's a bit obsessive," Edward responded.

"Why?" Avallone said.

"He's head over heels for her, like they have this whole relationship, but so far - she doesn't seem to even recognize him," he started.

"Hmm," Avallone hummed. "Interesting you say that. Keep this in mind and open your books to Chapter 5. I want you to read Chapter 5 entitled "The Screen Lady," and we'll talk about this afterward."

I turned to Edward and smiled. He agreed to read the first paragraph.  
_  
"One day it chanced that this most graceful lady was seated in a place where words were heard concerning the queen of glory, and I was in a position from which I could see my blessedness: and between her and me in a straight line sat a gentle lady of most pleasant appearance, who looked at me frequently, amazed by my gaze, which seemed to end with her," _he read. I seemed entranced. The way the words were falling off his lips made it feel as though Edward himself had written them; they soaked right through me. I absorbed all of it, all of him.

I had to stop myself. I shouldn't feel this way about him, I shouldn't think like that.

I shook my head and laughed, picking things up at the second paragraph. _"Then many were aware of her look, and in a while were certain of it, so that, in leaving the place, I heard it spoken after me: 'See how that lady has distressed his person' and being named, I realised that he was speaking of her who had been placed in the straight line that started at the most graceful Beatrice, and ended at my eyes. Then I was greatly comforted, assured that my secret had not been revealed to others by my gaze that day."_

After I was done, I bit my bottom lip and looked up at Edward's mesmerizing eyes, begging for him to continue. He gave me a crooked smile and nodded his head._ "And immediately I thought of making of this lady a screen before the truth: and I pretended to it so often in so short a time that my secret was believed known by most of the people who speculated about me. I screened myself with this lady for some months and years: and to better allow others to believe it, I created certain little things for her in verse, which it is not my intention to write down, unless they mainly set out to treat of that most graceful Beatrice: and therefore I will forget them all except one that I wrote which can be seen to be in praise of her." _

I was transfixed on Edward, hardly hearing a word he'd spoke. He read, but I imagined those lips pressed against mine, that sweet smell of chlorine circling my head like it did in the hall. I don't know what possessed him to snatch that paper out of my hands, but our bodies connecting like that had done something permanent and irreversible to me.

Right when my thoughts started to drift into x-rated territory, Avallone started talking again and this time, she was explaining a little more of the history behind Dante. "So, in the first few chapters, we learn that he had met Beatrice Portinari at the age of nine and immediately fell in love with her. He continued his obsession with her but didn't see her again until nine years later as they passed each other on the street, all of which was expressed in the story. However, what you may or may not know is that they were both betrothed to others at the time and therefore, could never disclose their true feelings.'

'Spoiler alert -" Avallone continued. "Beatrice dies at the age of twenty three and leaves Dante absolutely devastated. It was true unrequited love in its purest form, this much is true. But, was it courtly love?"

The class was silence.

"Can you, at this point in the story, describe _this _story as courtly love?"

"No," I finally spoke up.

"Why?" she asked.

"Unrequited love implies that the feelings were not returned. With courtly love, the feelings are mutual, desired in fact, if never acted upon."

"Exactly. What _is_ Beatrice's side of the story? Does she love Dante in return? We can infer that, perhaps, she had no interest in him whatsoever based on the fact that Dante never _mentions_ any affection for him on her part. But you have to remember that an affair like this would most certainly have been kept a secret, especially any indiscretions on the woman's part.'

'But it's hardly likely that a man would continue on with this much passion and desire had there been nothing to entice him so. Keep this in mind as you read the final chapters. One of your assignments this year is to write a part of his story from her side."

The bell announced the end of class and we all stood to gather our things. "Everything up to Chapter 18 is due tomorrow! Don't forget!" Avallone shouted over the noise of scooting chairs and zipping book bags.

As soon as we were out of the class, Edward bumped into me playfully and shot a grin my way. "I'll call you tonight to read those chapters, huh?"

"Uh, sure. Jake shouldn't be over until nine or ten when he gets off work. Call me on my cell around six. We'll knock them out," I suggested.

Edward nodded, flashed his camera in my face and waved goodbye before heading down the art hallway. In addition to being Fork's fastest swimmer, he was also in the photography club. He took the most beautiful pictures; his father's house was literally lined from floor to ceiling with them. Random flashes of light merely inches from your face was something you learned to live with when you accepted Edward into your life.

I found myself staring after him, wishing I had gotten those lips pressed to mine either. I knew I shouldn't have been thinking about that. Jake was my boyfriend. Tanya was his girlfriend. It was wrong - wrong - wrong to look at him that way. Still, I couldn't help this natural attraction I felt towards him, as if gravity itself was pushing our orbits into each other.

I wasn't sure how long I had been standing there before I felt familiar arms wrap around my shoulders. "Whatcha staring at, babe?" Jake whispered.

"Oh, nothing," I replied with a giggle, shaking myself back to life. "Just making sure Edward got to his class alright," I improvised.

"He's a big boy, he can make it by himself," Jake teased, pulling me towards our next class. We both had health next with the same teacher so it was pretty much guaranteed that we'd get no work done. Jake found it terribly hard to keep his hands to himself and the teacher was known for not being able to control his students.

It was everything I'd imagined and more.

_**6 pm.**_

Six pm on the dot, Edward was on my phone repeating Dante's words back to me as I read from my book. I was laying on my bed with my desk lamp on. His voice was soothing, somehow seeming to draw me into a trance. He read and, with each word, I fell deeper into my fixation with him. At the end of the first chapter, I asked if he wanted me to take over, to which he declined. He said he liked reading to me for some reason. I didn't argue.

Eventually, it got to a point where I wasn't even following along with my book anymore. I was just listening to him. It took me some where else, to another place and time, where he and I were Dante and Beatrice.  
_  
"In her eyes my lady bears Love,  
by which she makes noble what she gazes on:  
where she passes, all men turn their look on her,  
and she makes the heart tremble in him she greets,  
So that, all pale, he lowers his eyes,  
and sighs, then, over all his failings:  
anger and pride fleeing before her."_

Edward's voice was like melted chocolate, silky and sweet. I kept the phone pressed to my ear as my fingers traveled over my breasts and down my stomach. I thought about him pushing me against the lockers today. I thought about the look on his face, that smile and those eyes. My fingers drew over my breast several more times as I imagined Edward reading today in class. I tried my damnedest to imagine Jake doing these things to me, but with _his _voice on the other end of the phone, I couldn't help but see those emerald eyes staring back at me. My hand drifted between my legs and started rubbing my clit, slowly and delicately.  
_  
"Help me, ladies, to do her honour  
All sweetness, all humble thought  
are born in the heart of him who hears her speak,  
and he who first saw her is blessed."_

Edward continued and I was hooked. I curled my fingers inside of me and massaged my G-Spot, almost unaware of the mild pants and moans escaping my lips. I don't know what came over me. I was supposed to be in love with Jake, I _did _love Jake. So why was I over here masturbating to Edward reading poetry? Why was I seeing him when I closed my eyes? Why was I so turned on when he pressed me up against the lockers? Why was I getting wetter just thinking about Edward than I ever had having sex with Jake?

_"How she looks when she smiles a little,  
can not be spoken of or held in mind,  
she is so rare a miracle and gentle."_

Edward's voice radiated through the phone and I was transcended. To where, I hadn't the slightest clue. His lips formed the last syllables of the sonnet just as I envisioned them wrapped around my clit. I saw that beautiful head of bronze hair between my legs and I came - I came harder and more intensely than I ever had with Jake. My entire body shook with fury. As I lay there in the aftermath of my glorious orgasm, a sudden thought raced across my mind -_ Oh God, what the hell did I just do?_

I just sort of had phone sex with one of my best friends, a friend who was already taken by one of my other friends. The next thought that crossed my mind was - _Fuck, did he just hear all of that?_

"Bella?" he asked, hiding a small chuckle at the back of his throat.

"Um - yeah?" I choked.

"We're at Chapter 20. I think we should stop or we'll be too far ahead tomorrow," Edward suggested.

"Okay," I whimpered uncomfortably.

There was an awkward, pregnant silence between us that seemed to last forever. It was on the tip of both of our tongues, but I wouldn't be the first to say it.

"Did you just come?" Edward blurted.

_Busted._

"Um -" I sputtered.

"It's okay if you did -" he started.

Just then, this amazing sweep of guilt and embarrassment fell over me. I hung up the phone and turned the power off. Jake would just let himself in later.

_Oh Fuck! _

Jake.

No sooner did I think that then Jake came barrelling through my bedroom window.

"Hey, babe," he whispered, sauntering over to give me a tender kiss on the forehead. He was still in his mechanic's jumpsuit, but at least he wasn't covered head to toe in oil like he usually was. He had showered before coming here, even if he didn't have other clothes to wear. He had unzipped the top half of his suit and wrapped the sleeves around his waist, creating make-shift pants. He wore a black wife-beater, perfectly accenting his amazing biceps and stomach. It was exactly how I liked him, and he knew it. Something about that uniform drove me fucking crazy.

"Hi," I murmured anxiously.

"You alright? You look like you just saw a ghost," Jake teased, sliding into bed next to me.

I nodded and swallowed hard, trying to calm myself down from the experience on the phone with Edward. "You just startled me, that's all," I lied.

Jake smiled and ran his fingers down the side of my cheek. "I got you something."

"Aw, Jake. You shouldn't have," I argued.

"It was nothing," he lied. I knew how much he made and how much of that he gave to Billy to help afford their lifestyle. He was the only one out of us whose parents hadn't actually split. Miss Sarah died in a horrible car accident when Jake was just two. Rebecca and Rachel, his older sisters, were both going through college right now, something that was damn near running Billy broke. He needed Jake's help.

So, when Jake reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small necklace that had a heart shaped pendant on the end of it, I almost couldn't accept it. "Jake, you shouldn't spend your money on me -" I started to complain.

"I'll spend my money on what I want," Jake chastised.

On the back of the silver heart, a bunch of letters were mixed and scrambled together. "Is this Quiluete?"

"Of course," Jake teased. "It says 'I will always love you. You are my' - well - it's like my other half. There's really no direct translation. Like a soul mate but more of completeness kind of thing," he explained.

I had to admit, it was such a tender thing for Jake to do. I was lucky to have him.

"You think it's corny, don't you?" His face immediately dropped.

"No, Jake," I whispered. "It's beautiful. I love it."

Then, he flashed me that brilliant smile and wrapped the necklace around my neck. I brought my lips to his in the sweetest way, falling back on the bed and dragging him on top of me. "I love you, you know that right? You're my world, Bella," he whispered.

"I love you too, Jake. You're my best friend," I replied. As our kissing grew more intense, I found his hands all over my skin, pressing and pulling at my clothes to get closer. His lips caressed the skin around my neck, his palms swept up to my breasts and his pelvis pushed into mine. I tried to feel turned on, tried to get into it, but I was having a the hardest fricking time, all things considered.

I wasn't sure if I'd just cheated on him.

I wasn't entirely sure what the fuck had just happened.

How would I feel if he'd done that with someone else? With Tanya, of all people?

Pissed? Jealous? Envious?

All of the above?

Jake's head coasted down my body and nestled at the spot in between my legs. He pulled my shorts off and fluttered tiny kisses down either side of my thighs. I literally shook with anxiety. I looked down and, suddenly, flashes of bronze hair flew through my head.

"No. Stop," I announced. Jake perked up, startled and confused. He wrapped his hands around my thighs and pressed his forehead to my knee, giving me those adorable puppy dog eyes.

"What's wrong, babe? I knew something was up with you. You always get this absent look when you've done something bad. What happened?" Jake smiled at me, filling me with this warm intensity. Like my own personal sunshine, he gave me that look and I melted like butter.

How could I have done that to him?

How could I have done that with Edward?

God, even his name gave me goosebumps.

I shook my head and climbed off the bed to walk to the open window. "You've got to remember to close this whenever you come in," I chided, sliding it closed quietly. I stared out the window to the dark house across the street. Edward was sitting outside on the porch swing, smoking a cigarette and peering right back at me. He took a long puff, waved my direction and then flicked his cigarette out into the street before standing to walk back into his house.

I closed my blinds and turned back around to Jake.

"You're giving up head because of an open window?" Jake asked with a laugh.

I shrugged and walked back to the bed, climbing in behind him. "The neighbors are our best friends. We should be more considerate."

Jake chuckled and pulled the wife beater over his head. "We can just go to sleep if you want," he suggested. "I'm actually pretty tired." He ruffled a pillow under his head and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest.

Suddenly, I felt the need to prove myself, to believe that I hadn't done anything wrong. I had to prove that I still loved and adored Jake, above all others. It wasn't like I'd physically done anything with Edward - it was a mistake, a stupid loss of logic. I'd simply forgotten he was on the phone, right? We'd _accidentally_ crashed into the lockers. That connection wasn't something intended or actually worthwhile - was it?

Christ, how hard had he smashed me into those things? Did I bump my head or something?

Jake was so amazing to me, for me, with me. I'd be stupid to throw this away.

I swung a leg over him and straddled his waist, pulling my Rolling Stone's teeshirt over my head to reveal absolutely nothing underneath. Jake's hands immediately found my breasts while his cock twitched to life underneath me.

"Are you sure?" he whispered.

"Yeah, my dad's on night shift. He won't be home until five in the morning. I want you to fuck me," I murmured back, pressing my forehead to his.

"Okay, you don't have to tell me twice."

**_A/N: Thanks for reading and be sure to leave a review to let me know your favorite part. Be sure to check out my profile for a link to the "LVN Blog," where you can find a little more information about what inspired this story, my banners, Edward and Bella's Infinite Playlist and my thoughts on Courtly Love. :-) _**


	2. August 30 & October 31, 2004

_**August 30, 2004 -**_

Edward and I had homeroom together the next day. We didn't acknowledge each other at all, which was terribly hard to do. Everyone had already sorted out what areas of the room were going to be theirs, and Edward and I had laid claim to the back corner yesterday - before _this_, before I'd fucked everything up.

We sat right next to each other, facing the chalkboard with our hands crossed on the desks. I tried to say hi, to apologize for last night, hell, to say anything. But I was frozen.

I absolutely didn't know what to say.

It was a good thing I didn't see him again until lunch. By that time, I had spent all morning brooding about it and still came up with nothing. Tanya, Rose and I got there at the same time and we instantly hit the sandwich line. Tanya babbled on about her SAT scores and how she needed to take the test over again because her results wouldn't get her into Stanford, which was where Edward got accepted.

_Stanford, huh?_

That's where I was headed next year as well.

"Well, when do you have to do that?" Rose spoke up.

"That's the problem. The pre-application deadline is September 1. And obviously, I can't get the retake in before the day after tomorrow. So, it looks like I'm not going to be with Edward next year," Tanya whined as she grabbed an apple and threw it on her tray.

"Oh babe, that sucks," Rose consoled.

"What sucks?" Alice yelled as she snuck up on us from behind.

"Tanya can't get into Stanford, which is where Edward's going next year," I explained.

"Oh, well, you can always come hang out at Washington with Jazz and I next year," Alice suggested, shrugging as if she didn't have any other ideas.

"That's an eight hour drive," Tanya retorted in a tone that suggested Alice was stupid for even bringing it up.

"It's better than the fifteen hours to San Francisco," Alice snapped in return. "Besides, I hear there's a lot of good looking guys up there. I'll be taken, but I can always be wingman for you." She flashed Tanya a genuine smile.

"Oh, goody," Tanya muttered sarcastically.

"Don't worry, Tanya. I actually got accepted to Stanford too. I'll keep an eye on him next year. Promise," I added. I was trying to be helpful.

"Thanks," she half heartedly muttered in return. She apparently didn't see it that way.

Tanya grabbed her tray and left the three of us standing in the line.

"What's up her ass today?" Rose snorted.

"Maybe she's on the rag or something." Alice shrugged and took a big bite out of her apple.

"Or things aren't as sunny on their side of the street," I retorted.

"They've been fighting a lot lately," Rose added while we started walking outside. "Emmett and I can hear it from down the hall. Whether it's on the phone or she comes over, she's always screaming at him. She doesn't want him to leave her next year, but it's not his fault that he got accepted to better schools."

Before I could react to that, Rose and Alice got distracted by the new hottie at school and, by the time we actually got to the oak tree, they'd moved on to something else and all but forgotten about the incident with Tanya. We were initially greeted by Jake, who grabbed my tray and carried it over to our spot, throwing an arm around my shoulders in the process.

He pressed his lips to the side of my head and whispered something about being amazing in bed last night. I giggled until we got to everyone else. Rosalie plopped down next to Emmett, and Tanya had resumed her usual spot in between Edward's legs. He had yet to look at me all day.

What the hell was I going to do next period? I'd have to sit next to him for an hour and a half, I'd have to read to him, and him to me, and I'd have to endure all of that knowing what happened last night.

_What the fuck was I going to say?_

"Here, babe. Eat this instead of your lower lip," Jake suggested, handing me my tuna sandwich.

"Thanks."

"Whatcha brewing about over there?" he whispered.

I shook my head and took a bite of my sandwich. "Nuffin'" I gargled, my mouth full of food. I stuck my tongue out at him childishly, and he laughed and gave me a kiss on the temple. Of course, Edward snapped a picture of that.

"Hot. Real fucking hot. You wanna sneak off and find somewhere to fuck, like, right now? Because I am so turned on by that," Jake teased.

"Your propensity for sarcasm never ceases to amuse me," I joked.

And then Emmett said something that distracted Jake and he got all sucked into the conversation, effectively allowing me to eat my tuna in peace as I tried to think about what I would do. I had to make things right between Edward and I again. I still didn't know how, but damn it, I'd find a way.

Lunch went on around me. Jake, Emmett and Jasper started arguing about who ran the faster mile, Rosalie and Tanya started squabbling about some new tramp in this movie they went to see last weekend, Alice was, again, doing her homework, and Edward remained silent - something rare and unusual. Typically, when the boys argued, it was Edward who instigated them further, often resulting in a wrestling match or some other display of male dominance. This time, not a word from Edward.

Jake noticed this as well.

"Hey, what's up with you?" he asked, smacking Edward on the upper arm. "You alright, man?"

"Yeah, I'm great. What about you? How's the motorcycle thing coming?" Edward replied with an almost genuine smile. It fooled Jake, but I could see the falsity behind it.

"Oh awesome, man. I've added a new exhaust system -" And this is right around the time that I started tuning him out. Sure, I liked motorcycles and nothing got my heart thumping more than being on the back of one when Jake was driving, but as to how they're put together? I couldn't care less.

Edward seemed engaged in the conversation with Jake and hardly shot a passing glance my way.

_Funny, _I thought. _I couldn't take my eyes off him._

Christ! What was coming over me?

I had to get my head out of my ass. I loved Jake - and that's all there was to it. The end, goodbye, see ya later. (Thank you, Shrek.)

When lunch was done, we walked down the hall like we did yesterday. And again, like yesterday, Jake kissed me goodbye outside the door to his biology class.

Then, it was just me and Edward.

He said nothing to me the entire way to class, which was good, in a way. I'd yet to figure out what I was going to tell him. We walked side by side to our seats, casually pulling out our books and getting ready for the lecture. Avallone babbled on about Dante and his devotion to Beatrice, though it was from afar. Though they were both noble, their arranged marriages didn't allow them to ever be together the way they both wanted. Blah, blah, blah, same thing she said yesterday.

After forty five minutes of discussion on chapters five through eighteen, Avallone insisted on us reading the next three chapters out loud to each other.

_Great! Real fucking great!_

Edward would have to reread everything from last night, everything that made me do bad things to myself - dirty, nasty, awesome things.

He smirked and leaned in closer to me. "Are you sure you can handle this?" he teased, bringing his face merely inches from mine.

"Shut up," I hissed.

"Let me know when you're about to come, and I'll take over for you, if you want," Edward joked again. He licked his lips and eyed me from head to toe.

"Shut. Your. Fucking. Mouth," I snarled.

"What was that all about anyway?" he murmured, a shit eating grin plastered from cheek to cheek.

"I don't know, alright? But rest assured, it won't happen again," I insisted.

"Never say never," he muttered, turning back to the desk so he could flip the book open to the right chapter.

I rolled my eyes and started reading chapter nineteen again, since I inadvertently tuned it out last night. Besides, if I was reading, there'd be no getting hot and heavy in the middle of English class. I continued to read until chapter twenty one, occasionally looking over to find Edward staring at me. His book was still on the first page. He just sat there, looking at me with this weird expression on his face like he'd seen something miraculous happen right before his eyes.

Maybe he was having his own John Hughes moment. Or maybe he was realizing just how big of a dork I really was. Honestly, who gets turned on by a poem written a million years ago?

Me - That's right - the literary-spaz-freak.

I got to the part with the sonnet - _our _sonnet - and I stopped.

"Go on," Edward urged.

"Can we just skip this poem in particular?" I sputtered, my cheeks starting to burn with the first hints of embarrassment.

"No, I want you to read it to me," Edward taunted. "Unless, you'd rather I read to you,"

"No," I snapped. "No - I'll read it."

_Dammit._

It was even worse the second time around. I read the words and pictured my fantasy from last night. I saw Edward's head between my legs, I saw his body on top of mine, I saw spectacular sex between the two of us. I got half way through the poem and then threw the book down in my lap with frustration. "I can't do this," I whispered, leaning in close to him. "I am so embarrassed, Edward. You have to forgive me. I'm sorry about last night. I know you're with Tanya, and I'm with Jake, and what I did was -"

"Indecent, vulgar, some would say revolting?" Edward chimed in.

"Yeah," I gasped. "I'm terribly upset about all of this."

"Really? Because I found it fascinating," Edward admitted.

My eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "Fascinating? How so?"

"That you were so turned on by my voice, by a poem, by my reading a poem. I should record audiobooks, huh? Put Nora Roberts to shame?" Edward started laughing. "If I was able to induce that from a poem written in 1265, imagine what I could do with actual smut."

"It was the poem, not you," I lied. "And it only happened because I'm a freak of nature, alright?"

He chuckled a little harder, flashing that gorgeous smile in my direction, and rubbed his hand down my back comfortingly. "Don't be that embarrassed. I'm quite flattered, actually. I just thought you and Jake were _tighter_ than that."

"We are," I quickly answered. _Or at least I thought so._

"Okay," he continued. "I'll read by myself from now on, if you'd like."

"This goes no further than me and you, alright? You can't tell Tanya," I threatened.

"Tanya? Why would I tell Tanya?"

"I don't know, she's your girlfriend, your best friend. Don't you two tell each other everything?" I reasoned.

"Do you tell Jake everything?"

My natural instinct was to say yes. But I paused.

"Did you tell him about last night?" Edward asked, his tone suggesting that he already knew I hadn't."I won't tell anyone. Our little secret."

Him saying that took me back to that summer that he used to sneak into my room. We were just nine years old and already keeping secrets from the rest of them. It seemed like a natural thing for the two of us somehow.

"Maybe you could return the favor before we call it quits completely. If we're going to have an affair, it shouldn't be so one sided," Edward teased.

With one little joke, the entire weight of last night had been lifted off my shoulders and I giggled, smacking him playfully on the shoulder. "Shut up, Edward. Just - read the damned story, alright?"

He didn't call me that night, and for that, I was incredibly thankful. Jake and I had phenomenal sex, and I didn't even think of Edward once. It was like it never happened. Life went on - almost.

After we were done, I walked to the window and went to shut the blinds. Upon doing so, I noticed a familiar set of eyes across the street on the porch swing. I wasn't wearing any clothes, but I didn't seem to care. I gave him a small wave and clicked the shades closed.

What a pair we'd make, huh? A masturbating freak of nature and a peeping tom.

I shook my head, laughed to myself and climbed back into bed with Jake, who had since fallen asleep and started snoring.

_**October 31, 2004 -**_

It was Halloween. Time to party! We planned to crash the shindig that Jessica Stanley was having - the same party that she neglected to invite any of us to.

_Bitch._

She lived in the same neighborhood as us, but on the far side, about four blocks away from my cul-de-sac.

_Of course _we were going, whether she knew it or not.

Why would she ever think she could keep us out?

Jake and I decided to go as Cleopatra and Marc Antony and, I had to admit, Jake's Roman solider costume was fucking_ HAAAWWTT. _We almost didn't make it out of my bedroom on time. It was about this time in my life when I started to wonder if I had a thing for costumes or dress up or something. I tossed it up to an extreme desire to undress Jake - no matter what he was wearing. But as soon as I'd gotten his dick in my mouth, he shut me down and said the costume was rented from the Theater department at school. It absolutely could not be returned stained.

_For fucking shame!_

I finished pinning my hair back and securely fastened my Egyptian style wig in place before we hit the road. There was no sense in driving, so the eight of us met outside and walked the short distance to her house. It wasn't long until we figured out the size of the party by the number of cars parked outside.

"The whole fricking school is here," Edward exclaimed.

Ever since our talk in English class, we'd gone completely back to normal - sort of. We avoided situations where we'd be alone together at all costs. We didn't talk on the phone anymore and kept the flirtations to the hour and a half that we were forced to be together in English. When we were around everyone else, nothing had happened between us. When we were alone, neither of us could forget the intensity of that night. He teased me about it whenever possible and I had taken to calling him jealous that it was _I, _the female, who had used and abused _him, _the male. It was simple banter - a playful way for us to make that night okay.

Sure, the sex with Jake was great and I loved him with all of my heart, but there was something about this kid; something about my attraction to Edward was new and forbidden, somehow making him more tempting in my eyes.

Rose and Emmett had dressed up as Frankenstien and his Bride, while Alice and Jasper showed up as a Cowboy and an Indian. Tanya and Edward came as Romeo and Juliet, somehow making the whole situation seem that more ironic.

We didn't even bother to knock at the door. Like true reckless teenagers, we just stormed the place and it was already packed. When Edward said the whole school was here, he wasn't lying. At least everyone in the senior and junior class were in attendence; I even spotted a sophomore or two. We squeezed in and found our way to a corner at the back of the room where we could all dance and carry on without being in anyone's way. Edward and Jake took off to get everyone beers as Alice and Rose pulled me onto the dance floor. We started shaking our asses to "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani, screaming the chorus at the top of our lungs.

By the time the boys got back, I was thirsty as all hell and swallowed the whole beer in one gulp. Jake eyed me with amazement and laughed, taking my empty cup as soon as I was done.

"That's my girl," he cheered, smacking me discreetly on the ass. I leaned in and gave him a kiss just as "Disco Inferno" by 50 Cent started blaring over the speakers. I pulled my sexy man out onto the floor and started pushing up on him, grinding my hips as seductively as I could. Jake pushed back and wrapped his arms around me, pressing his lips to my neck and earlobes.

I don't know if it was the beer I just downed or the general playful atmosphere, but I found myself feeling like I'd never been more in love with him.

About two hours and ten beers, four shots and three jello shooters later, I was in the basement playing Tanya and Jake in the reverse couples beer pong tournament. It was down to the final shots. Edward and I only had two more cups to hit, Jake and Tanya had four. Tanya had taken to throwing herself all over Jake in order to distract me, which, of course, didn't work. I knew he wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. Just to spite her efforts, I hit the cup closest to them and shot a shit eating grin in her direction. Tanya and Jake groaned, throwing their fists into the air with frustration.

Then, it was Edward's turn. He stepped up to the table, eyed up his shot and let it fly. The ball circled the rim of the cup, tittering and totting before ultimately falling out.

"No big deal," I consoled. "I'll hit it next round."

"Ugh, almost!" he groaned.

"Yeah, well, like my good friend Brandy said back in '92, almost doesn't count," Tanya teased.

I laughed my ass off. God, that girl was hilarious when she was tanked.

This time, Edward wrapped his arms around me from behind and started trailing them towards my breasts to distract Jake.

At the time, I felt like it was all in good fun. We were drunk and we both knew who we were going to end up with anyway, so I didn't think much of it.

Until it was Tanya's turn.

Edward slid his hand down the front of my white, Egyptian robes and clutched my entire pussy in his palm. He had done it on the outside of my clothes, so it wasn't like he'd really done anything _bad. _Still, the look on Jake's face suggested otherwise, so I squealed and went to pull his hand away, laughing and playing it off like a joke. Tanya missed the cup. She groaned and immediately turned to wrap her hands around Jake's neck. She pressed her lips to his and slid her hand down the front of his Roman costume, clutching his dick with her palm.

_Wow,_ I thought. _He's not even stopping her._

Fuck it. Edward had practically just gone to second base with me. Kissing's probably okay, right?

In my drunken haze, I blocked them out and shot my ball, landing it firmly in the final cup.

"Like my good friend Rick James said back in '82, Fuck your couch!" I joked playfully.

Edward threw his arms up in the air and yelled, "Fuck your couch!" before wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me into the air to spin us around. He was so drunk; we almost fell into the giant speaker next to the table.

Jake chuckled while Tanya growled and rolled her eyes.

It was Edward's turn to shoot. Unfortunately, he didn't make it and Team Janya was allowed rebuttals.

Now came the distraction.

_Would we or wouldn't we?_

Before I could really think it through, he made up my mind for me. Edward twisted my torso around and pressed his lips to mine in otherworldly bliss. Something was exchanged between us, something powerful, some kind of force to be reckoned with. It was the same kind of electric static charge that took over the first time our skin ever touched. I'd never experienced anything like it before - _never_, not even with Jake. My head was spinning and the world darkened leaving just him and I to revel in our own passion. My fingers twisting harder in his hair, I pulled his lips tighter and tighter to mine. I felt insatiable; I literally couldn't get enough of him. This feral beast inside of me kept shouting, "More! More! More!" His fingers were all over me, seemingly at once. Just when I thought I might come from merely kissing him, a throat cleared next to us.

Jake interceded and pulled me away from Edward. "You two looked a little too into that," he taunted.

"Edward's a great actor, huh?" I teased, looking back and forth between Tanya and Jake.

Jake laughed and threw his arms around me, lifting me into the air the way Edward had done moments ago.

Tanya smirked, grabbed the beers she had to drink for losing and disappeared out of the room. By the time Jake put me back on my two feet, I realized Edward must have followed her out because he wasn't anywhere near us anymore.

"Wow," I whispered. "What the hell was that?" My lips were still burning, I almost couldn't form the sentence completely.

"Yeah, right? What's going on with them?" Jake added.

"Fuck if I know. They tried to drag us into it," I tried to explain, but I was reeling from that kiss with Edward. God, the way his hands felt on me was amazing. I wasn't sure I'd ever get over it. "Rose says they've been fighting a lot lately."

_Focus, Bella! _

_You're with Jake!_

I shouldn't be thinking about Edward at all, especially not the way his hands felt on my skin. I'd left that part of me in the past, I'd thought I gotten over him two months ago.

But - _fuck - _that kiss was fucking Earth shattering.

"You ready to head back home?" Jake muttered, brows furrowed and confusion etched into those adorable puppy eyes. He was obviously reading something strange on my face that made him concerned. He knew that kiss was something more than an attempt to distract Tanya. That was Edward trying to sneak in on his territory, I could practically smell the jealousy eeking out of his pores.

"No," I started, finally snapping back to reality. "No, it's only one in the morning. Let's go see what everyone else is doing."

Jake dragged me upstairs where we found Jasper and Alice sitting in a circle of people talking about how the government was corrupt and 9/11 was something George W. Bush did nothing to stop.

"He knew it was coming," she slurred to a group of nodding heads. I loved her to death, but the more she learned about politics, the more she turned into a skeptical, left-wing radical. It was adorable, if that was possible.

Circling into the kitchen, we found Emmett and Rose playing a game of flip cup on the breakfast island with half of the varsity football team.

"JAAAKKE! BEELLLLS!" Emmett belted. "One of you fuckers come play with us. We're a man short and taking double cups is slowing me down."

"Pussy!" Jake yelled in response. "You mind if I go play? Or do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, no. Go play," I insisted. I gave him a small kiss and decided to head upstairs to find the bathroom. I had yet to break the seal, but, damn it, it was time. My back teeth were practically floating.

When I finally made my way through the massive crowd of gyrating hips and flailing arms, I headed upstairs to discover the equally as massive line for the toilet - a line I had no desire to stand in. Frustrated, I grunted and leaned against the wall, waiting as patiently as I could. I considered just running back over to my house to pee. It would take me fifteen minutes total, but the problem was that once I was there, I'd only want to crawl up in my bed and go to sleep.

_Man! Fuck this party._

"Pst!" came a sound from behind me.

I turned around to find Edward peeking his head out of the master bedroom. He nodded, beckoning me towards him, something I debated for a minute or two. What if it was a trap? What if Tanya was on the other side, waiting to pounce on me for "kissing her man?" And if I got out of line, hell, it'd only get longer and then I'd just have to wait again.

"There's a bathroom in here," Edward whispered. "Shhh - don't tell anyone." He was trashed, slurring his words and talking louder than he meant to.

_Fuck it._

I skipped down the hall and snuck in. Edward shut the door and pressed me against it, sliding his knee in between my legs.

"What are you doing?" I tried to say sternly. Instead, it came out more like a gargled giggle.

"You have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen," he mumbled, sliding the fabric of my dress to the side so that he could eye my cleavage indiscriminately. He was terribly drunk, his breath reeking of alcohol and cigarettes.

"Oh yeah?" I replied with a little chuckle. "That's because you fuck bee-stings every night."

_Shit!_

"Did I just say that out loud?" I blurted.

_Damn it._

"That was supposed to be a thought," I continued.

Edward initially looked shocked, but then he started chuckling and pressed his pelvis harder into mine.

"Tanya has great breasts." I tried to backtrack, but that didn't work either. "Not that I was looking at her tits, just that I've noticed them - in passing - ya know? We played Volleyball together that one season." I was rambling at this point, mostly because I was nervous but also because I'd just told Edward that his girlfriend of a million and one years had bee-sting titties.

God, I was trashed.

When I finally looked at him again, he was leaning in really close to me with that gorgeous smile.

"Shut up, Bella," he hissed playfully.

"Gladly."

"What made you come?" he asked candidly.

"Vibrators, cunnilingius, Gerald Butler -" I'd started rattling things off, thinking he'd said,_ "what makes you come?"_

He shook his head and laughed. "No, no. That one night, the first day of school, La Vita Nuova. What _made_ you come? Be honest," he demanded.

"Come on, Edward, I thought we'd moved past that," I attempted to say. Who knows if what I said actually made any sense. Between my thumping heart beat and all the alcohol I'd consumed, I could barely hear myself think anymore let alone talk.

Whether it came out right or not, he seemed to understand me. "I wanna see what your face looks like when you come."

He slid his knee further under my pelvis, rubbing his Romeo tights against my Cleopatra skirt. I didn't know my panties could get soaked so quickly - but Jesus Christ, it was like he had that shit on fucking lock down. I gasped as my breathing hitched and my heart literally skipped a beat. "That doesn't mean you're allowed to," I taunted.

I was playing hard to get. Then again, maybe "playing" wasn't the right word. I _was_ hard to get - really hard to to get. I loved Jake and Edward was supposed to love Tanya.

Doomed as this relationship was,_ God, _I wanted him so bad. I wanted _this _so bad that my Judas knees shook under my weight and threatened to give out on me any second, indicating just exactly how much he was getting to me. There was no way he didn't notice that.

"It'll be our little secret," he continued. "No one has to know."

The charge between us was intensifying, spreading from my groin to my fingertips at lightening speed. I had to do something. I had to stop him.

So I blurted the first thing that came to mind. "God, that outfit really does wonders for you," I started. "I always wondered why fashions died out, and then I saw you in this getup and it all made sense." I laughed and pointed to his traditional Shakespearean helmet. "I especially like your hat. Is that a real feather?"

"Don't change the subject, Bella. You want me just as bad, don't you?"

"Where's Tanya?" I asked, looking around.

"She got mad at me," he slurred with a fake pout. "Thought we kissed too well, like we'd done it before." He swayed back and forth in front of me, giving away exactly how much he'd had to drink tonight.

"Ah. I see."

"I want to do it again," Edward continued, grinding the top of his knee harder into my pelvis. His face drew closer.

_Oh, God, _I thought. _He's going to kiss me._

_Fuck! I want him too._

"Edward," I whimpered, pushing his shoulder's back. "That's not a good idea."

_Even if it felt like the best fucking idea in the world._

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, followed by someone trying to push through it. Edward and I toppled forward for a second until he pushed his foot against the bottom to keep them from coming in.

"Hey, I wanna get my jacket," Alice squealed followed by an abrupt laugh.

"Hey! You in there! No sex in the champagne room," Jasper called behind her.

"Kiss me," Edward said quickly.

"Not likely." I slipped under his arm and bolted for the bathroom, slamming it shut behind me once I was there.

There was no way in hell, absolutely no way whatsoever, that I could let Alice see me like that with Edward. She'd tell Tanya, for sure. They were better friends. I promptly sat down and pressed my back to the bathroom door, running my hands through my hair to get a sense on reality.

Had all of that really happened?

Would he remember it in the morning?

Would I?

_"EDDWWARRDD CULLLLLLEN!" _Jasper sang._ "The Cull-ster, The Cullenator, The Edikins, - wait a second - That last one was a little stupid, huh?"_

_"I know I heard Bella in here. Where is she?" _Alice yelled overtop Jasper's ramblings.

Ahh - fuck. I couldn't hide from pixie-ears.

_"She heard you coming and ran into the bathroom to hide," _Edward teased.

Alice came over and tried to get in, but of course, the door went nowhere. I was leaning against it.

_"Bells! It's Alice. Don't hide from me, okay? I love you, why would you do that?" _Alice whined from the other side, lightly tapping her fingers against it.

Once I'd gotten my wits about me, I stood and opened the door for her, welcoming her in as well.

"I hope you don't mind if I pee?" I greeted.

Alice laughed, snorted a little, and gestured me to have at it.

I sat on the toilet to handle my business as she walked to the enormous mirror over the sink and started examining her eye makeup.

"So," she started.

"Sew buttons?"

"So, what were you doing in Jessica Stanley's parent's bedroom _all alone _with Edward?" she asked. "Inquiring minds want to know."

"I was looking for my coat," I instantly lied, trying to keep a straight face.

"Of course," Alice agreed, seeming to understand. "Looking for your coat up against the door?"

I bit my bottom lip nervously. "We weren't doing anything, Alice."

Suddenly, Jasper broke through the bathroom door. "Found it!" he announced, holding Alice's coat high in the air. Then, he realized that I was still sitting on the toilet and threw his hand over his eyes, slowly backing out the way he came. "Whoa! Whoa! Sorry, Bells!"

"Look, I won't say anything to Tanya if you were. Just don't hurt Jake like that. He deserves better."

"Alice," I insisted, standing up to flush the toilet. "We weren't doing anything. Honest. He was helping me look for my coat." I walked to the sink and started washing my hands.

"Okay, if you say so." Alice shot me a wink and turned to leave. "We're going home, alright? I'll see you tomorrow."

I nodded and gave her a hug goodbye.

That was the first night I dreamt of Edward. Every time I drank liquor, I had the strangest and most intense dreams. I only wished that I could have attributed this particular one to substance abuse instead of its real origins.

We were at school, of all places, walking into our English classroom. Nobody was there. We sat at our seats and decided to wait for Avallone and the other students. But no one ever came. Confused, we started wandering the halls, looking in every space we could. When we finally came to realize we were alone, he pressed me up against the lockers, the way he had in August, and connected his soft lips with mine. His hands were everywhere - in my hair, between my legs, on my breasts. It was incredibly intense, like I was really there and this was really happening to me. Before I knew it, he had my pants around my waist, my face pressed to the cool metal and a fistful of my hair.

"You're mine, Bella. It should have been us," he whispered before surging into the throbbing opening between my legs. God, it felt good.

As much as I knew it was wrong, I was loving it - every second of it.

Somewhere in the coital bliss of my own imagination, I looked down the hall and saw Jake standing there, staring at us fucking in our high school - and suddenly, the rest of the school was there as well.

I tried to push Edward away from me, to tell him that Jake was standing right there, but Edward didn't seem to care.

He said, "Let him look," and continued what he was doing.

Something inside didn't like that. I wasn't a cheater. I didn't do that kind of shit.

And that's when I woke up.

Dreams are a fucking bitch, right? You always wake up at the most confusing spots.

And in the most precarious positions, I'd come to learn. I had definitely been masturbating while I slept.

The first thing I noticed was how cold it was in my room. Jake must have opened the window before we fell asleep. Immediately, I stood and trailed my sleepy ass over to shut it. I couldn't help but look over to Edward's house. I noticed nothing unusual until I glanced in his bedroom window.

There he was - fucking the shit out of Tanya.

Don't ask what possessed me to do it, but I felt compelled to stand there and watch him for whatever reason. Maybe it was the way he looked at her, like she was the most beautiful thing in the world. Or maybe it was the way he cradled her head and looked deeply into her eyes and kissed her nose. Make up sex - most definitely make up sex.

In any case, he looked gorgeous.

And now I felt jealous of Tanya, in addition to feeling guilty for having 'an encounter' with her boyfriend at the party tonight.

Just then, Edward looked up and met eyes with me.

_Oh shit!_

I ducked.

I don't know if he saw me but it didn't really matter.

I crawled back to my snoring boyfriend and attempted to sleep.

Needless to say, I wasn't terribly successful.

**A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who's reading this little idea I had one day. Please leave a review and let me know what you liked/didn't like. Also, be sure to check out my blog, link available on my profile. Thanks again for reading. **


	3. Dec 24, 2004, Jan 1 & March 20, 2005

_**December 24, 2004 -**_

If Edward saw me that night, he never mentioned it.

He never mentioned anything.

It was like that encounter between us at the Halloween party had never even happened.

I went to school the next morning, said hi to him in homeroom, and sat through Avallone's interpretation of "Canterbury Tales" by Geoffrey Chaucer without a single awkward moment. I certainly remembered - but did he? He was really trashed. I just assumed he'd forgotten.

Every year on Christmas Eve, we met at Rose's house for dinner and secret Santa. This year, I'd pulled Edward.

_HAH!_

I bought him binoculars.

It was dirty, I know.

But it was my way of making a joke out of "La Vita Nuova," which I could never read again without thinking about him.

As a front, I'd also bought him "Dante's Completed Works," yet another inside joke. That was the present I'd give to him in front of everyone.

"So, who's your secret Santa?" I asked Rose as she was pulling the ham out of the oven. She plopped it down on the stove and looked up at me.

"Alice," she whispered. "I bought her and Jasper tickets to 'Green Day.' What about you?"

"Edward," I muttered. "Got him a book."

Rose scrunched her nose. "A book? What book?"

"Dante's Completed Works," I explained.

"You_ would_ get him a stupid book," Rose muttered.

"We read a story in English together that he seemed to like a lot. I thought I'd just get him the whole thing," I elaborated with a shrug. "Christ, what else was I supposed to get him? I don't know what he likes." Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a huge fat liar, but I had to play it off somehow. I couldn't have Rosalie breathing down my neck about him. She had the tendency to be relentless when it came to finding out what she wanted to know but you were damned determined to keep a secret.

She shrugged and blew the hair out of her face. "Hey, listen, don't say anything about going to Stanford next year, alright? Tanya's having a really bad night, it might upset her," Rose suggested.

"Oh God, everything upsets her these days. What's the big fricking deal?"

Rose rolled her eyes and shook her head. This is was not unusual for Tanya. She'd always been the drama-queen of the group. Everyday it was something different, some new catastrophe that needed everyone's undivided attention. It wasn't that we didn't care, it's just that not _everything _was about her. She couldn't see how that was possible, and that was what annoyed us. She couldn't pull her head out of her ass for two minutes to see when and if someone else needed _Tanya _for a change. "Can you grab the mashed potatoes?" Rose asked, picking up the ham and carrying it into the dining room.

The table was already set with corn, biscuits, sweet potatoes, salad and green beans. Rose was an excellent cook. In fact, I don't think she'd ever served a meal I didn't like. I sat down next to Jake, who sipped on a beer and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"Okay, let's say a prayer and then let's eat," Rose started.

Alice went to speak, but Rose stopped her. "For all the atheists or agnostics in attendance, it's my house, and I'm saying a god damned prayer. Just shut up and pretend. "

Emmett, Jasper, Jake and Rose all bowed their heads as she started.

"Heavenly father," she began. "We ask that you bless this food that we are about to eat." She continued on and I'd started to pick at the little bites of potatoes that I wanted to eat first, but a quick nudge on the foot made me snap to attention.

Edward was staring right at me from the end of the table where he always sat.

"What?" I lip synced.

"Meet me," he started slowly. "Tonight. Porch. Two AM."

Shrugging, I nodded in agreement. I wasn't sure what he had up his sleeve, but I needed to give him his real present anyway, so it seemed like an okay idea.

Rose finished and everyone looked up.

"Woo!" Emmett shouted. "Thank the lord, let's eat!" He immediately stood and started slicing up the ham. "Who wants pig?"

"Ugh, not me," Alice groaned.

"Ugh, why not?" Emmett taunted, using an obnoxiously high voice meant to imitate Alice. He slapped a sizable chunk of meat on my plate and looked at Jake, who nodded that he wanted some as well.

"Pigs are disgusting creatures. They'd eat a dead carcass if it was available to them. And then you turn around and eat them," Alice continued, scrunching her nose in disgust. "Besides, America's food industry kills millions of animals a day just to feed everyone. It's needless slaughter, if you ask me."

"Alice," Edward spoke up. "If they kill the animals to feed everyone, how is that needless slaughter?"

"Yeah," Emmett started. "Don't people deserve to eat?"

Suddenly, I wasn't very excited about my ham slice. I kept thinking of _Babe _being "needlessly slaughtered," or that scene in the beginning when his mom is taken away. It was making me lose my appetite. Jake passed me the biscuits and rolled his eyes at the argument erupting around the table. It seemed our friends couldn't even spend five minutes around each other without getting into some kind of heated discussion. But at least Edward was back to his usual self. He was instigating Emmett and Alice, just like he'd always been known to do.

"So you'd rather everyone starve than eat what can be and is provided to them?" Emmett continued.

"No! I didn't say that," Alice spat. "I just think there are smarter foods that we could be eating." With that, she scooped a big pile of sweet potatoes on to her plate, followed by a healthy portion of salad. "People can get their nutrients from nuts and vegetables."

"Ah, what about B12? That comes from animal product only," Emmett argued.

"Alright!" Rose interrupted. "Let's talk about something we all care about - Please?"

"All I'm saying is that I think it's strange when people don't eat meat. How can you do that? Don't you miss it at all? Hell, I know I would," Emmett continued.

"Cock meat sandwiches don't count," Jake interrupted.

"Shut up, dick," Emmett sneered.

"Hey, did anyone see last night's Family Guy episode?" Jasper asked, scooping a big pile of green beans into his mouth. He looked around at all of us.

"Yeah, I did," Jake answered.

"It's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time," Jasper sang.

"Where ya at, Where ya at," Jake continued with a laugh.

They high fived each other as the rest of us shook our heads.

"You two are retarded," Tanya hissed.

"Oh, so sorry we offended you, your highness," Jake commented.

"What?" she snapped.

"You know what I'm talking about," Jake snorted.

"Um, actually I don't," she stood, her chair falling backwards as it slid across the hardwood.

"You come around and suddenly everyone has to be on their best behavior because you're having a bad day. Fuck that. I'm excited for Bella to go to Stanford next year, and Edward too. They deserve it. Maybe if you thought about someone else for a change, you'd feel your soul start to change colors," Jake said, and the whole room did one collective gasp.

_Uh oh._

This was about to get real ugly real fast.

"Change colors?" she sneered.

"Yeah, all I'm saying is that black isn't such a nice color on you," Jake retorted. "Ya' know?"

"Oh yeah? And what are you going to do if they start fucking and she leaves you high and dry for your best friend?" Tanya roared. "Huh? What about then?"

My jaw dropped. "Excuse me?" I snarled.

Edward threw down his silverware as loud as possible and stood, glaring at her. "Tanya. That's enough," he said as coolly and as calmly as possible.

"No, it's not, Edward. Not nearly enough." She threw her napkin on her plate and stormed out the front door. Who knew where she was going. Probably back home.

All eyes were on Edward, who shook his head and sat back down. "Sorry about that, everyone."

"Don't apologize for her," I snapped.

"You aren't going to go after her?" Alice groaned.

He gave her this look that said _"Bitch, you're crazy," _which I found to be such a strange expression for the situation. He's her boyfriend. Why _wouldn't_ he go after her?

Alice sighed and gently stood, starting to take off toward the front door.

Edward stopped her. "Alice, just let her go. She needs to think about some things, cool off a little bit."

Alice ignored him and continued on anyway. Chicks before dicks.

The room fell silent. Jasper and Emmett continued eating, Edward glared at Jake and I picked at the biscuit that I was still clutching in my right hand. Talk about awkward. You could cut the tension in the air with a spork.

"Alright," Rose finally said. "Who wants to start drinking?"

"I'm in," I immediately shouted, rising from my seat to follow her downstairs. Rose's basement had been turned into a hang out room ages ago, complete with a fully stocked bar, 52" flat screen plasma and plush leather seats. Mr. Hale used it for football parties, we used it for regular parties.

Rosalie was fuming because her Christmas family dinner had been ruined and I was mildly embarrassed that Tanya would accuse us of something neither had ever hinted to.

_Unless -_

Unless Edward had told her about our situation. Unless he had broken his promise to me and filled her in on our phone call, our time at Jessica's, or even what happened later that night.

_Fuck!_

What was I going to do?

Rose grabbed two shot glasses off the top rung of the the shelf behind the bar and poured "Skye Vodka" into them, handing me one afterwards.

I immediately gulped it down.

"Okay, I wanna ask you something. Be honest," she murmured after the pain of her shot had subsided. "What's going on with you and Edward?"

Rose searched my face for any sign of vulnerability. Tanya and Alice were the better friends out of the four of us, so that left me and Rose. We were remarkably closer to each other than to the other two, especially after the year I came here for the summer and none of the other girls were talking to her because of a fight she'd gotten into with Tanya. It was Rose and I for two weeks until they all got over it. It seemed like I _should _tell her what was up.

_But -_

But I knew she'd tell Emmett, who would in turn tell Jake. And that wasn't something I was ready for.

"Nothing," I exclaimed. "I swear."

"Alice says that you and him were doing something naughty naughty up against a door at Jessica's party." Rose narrowed her eyes on me and put her arms out to either side of the bar, leaning in really close - as if she would literally smell the lie pouring off me.

"Alice was really drunk that night," I explained.

"Jasper says he heard it too," Rose immediately spat.

"Jasper was really drunk that night as well."

"You'd tell me, wouldn't you? If something was going on?"

I met eyes with her and sighed. "Of course, I would. You'd be the first person to know," I lied.

She shot me a wink and poured another two shots, handing one to me and hoisting the other in the air for cheers. We clinked our shots together and downed them. Drinking straight vodka always burned in the best way.

"Alright, so if there's nothing going on with the two of you, what the fuck is her problem?"

"She's losing her mind," I figured, placing the glass on the bar next to Rose's.

"Hey," Emmett started as he came barreling down the stairs. "So Jasper went to go find Alice and Edward said he was just tired and wanted to go home. Epic party fail!"

Jake joined us only a few seconds after him. "I think I should probably just go home too. Rachel and Becs are in town. Dad gave me a raft of shit for coming over here last year. I don't think I can stay out all night on Christmas Eve again," Jake explained, pointing back up the stairs with his thumb.

"Oh, here," Emmett started, pulling a large, wrapped object out of the corner of the room. "Merry Christmas, man. I'm your Secret Santa this year."

It was a picture frame or something similar.

"Oh shit," Jake exclaimed. "Should I open it?"

"Fuck yeah. Open it. I wanna see your face." Emmett sat down in one of the lazy boys and rubbed his hands together menacingly.

Jake tore open the paper and, suddenly, his entire face lit up. "Holy shit, Em! Where the hell did you get this?"

"I know a guy who knows a guy." Emmett laughed and leaned back in the chair.

"Thanks!" Jake turned the frame around to reveal an autographed Matt Hassleback Seahawks jersey.

I laughed. "Silly boys and their football."

Rose agreed and started walking us out.

"Well, sorry that dinner wasn't as fun as it was last year," she lamented.

"Yeah well, you win some and you lose some," I smirked.

"Can't win them all," Jake added.

"Sorry, babe, you lost this one," Emmett retorted.

We hugged goodbye and took off towards our houses. Jake walked me to my door first, of course.

"Will you call me tonight before you go to bed?" Jake asked softly, running his hand over my cheek.

"Maybe," I teased. "Will you call me if I don't call you?"

"You'll have to wait and see." Jake seemed serious at first, and waited until I got a deer in headlights look about me to flash that teasing smile.

"Don't fuck with me like that," I retorted. He laughed and pressed his lips to mine sweetly.

God, I loved the way he kissed me. It was gentle, like he was afraid that he would break me somehow. It made me feel light in comparison to him, cementing the idea that he'd protect me against anything deep in the pit of my stomach. The sweet smell of his cologne swirled around my head, intoxicating my very being with absolute adoration for him. I almost dragged him upstairs with me.

Tempting as that was, I knew he had to get back to his family, so we whispered goodnight and kissed a few more times before I sent him packing back to his sisters. If he didn't get home soon, they knew where he'd be and then they'd come hunting for him.

I unlocked my door and took a step inside my dark, somber house. My father was still at work, probably would be for the rest of the night. We hadn't even set up a Christmas tree this year.

So much for a fun-filled Christmas Eve.

After all the commotion and drama this evening, I'd all but forgotten about meeting Edward at two. The thought hit me just as the clock rolled around to two fifteen and I was settling into my bed for the night.

"Ah, shit!" I grumbled, tossing the covers to the side. I grabbed Edward's gift on my nightstand and headed downstairs. As I walked across the street, I saw him sitting on his porch swing, smoking a cigarette.

"You're late," Edward stated.

"You know, you really ought to quit that," I chided upon arrival, deciding to completely ignore his comment about my tardiness. "It's gonna kill you."

"We all gotta die someday, at least I can say I chose slow and painful suffering."

"Perpetual self hater," I snorted.

"Know it all," he quipped in response.

I sat down on the swing next to him and sighed. "Is Tanya okay?"

"Don't know, haven't talked to her," he replied, taking another long drag of his cigarette before flicking it into the street.

"What's going on with you two?"

He laughed and rubbed his hand over his brow. "Forgive me, Bells, if I don't want to talk about Tanya."

"Okay," I said awkwardly. "Here's your present. I got you two."

His face scrunched in confusion. "Two? Why two?"

"I thought we'd be exchanging gifts in front of everyone. I couldn't give you what I really wanted to give you in front of them," I explained.

"Did you get Jake two presents?"

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "My father and I split a new head unit for his Volkswagen."

"Ah," he mused and started to tear off the paper, but I stopped him.

"No, open it later," I murmured.

He seemed confused at first, but then nodded and whispered, "Okay," before handing me a small, rectangular box.

"I pulled you, too," he whispered. "But if I'm not allowed to open mine, you have to wait to open yours."

"Okay." I nodded in agreement. "So why'd you call me out here?"

"I didn't want to give you your present in front of everyone either."

"Really?" I teased. "Is it scandalous?"

"Of course," he answered with a wink.

I laughed and nudged him in the rib cage. "Alright, Midnight Caller, if you want to talk about anything, you know where to find me." I started to rise but, Edward grabbed my hand to stop me. Our skin connected with that same, harmonious buzz that always ran right through me when we touched. It ricocheted up my arm and over my chest, turning me on in such a way that made me tremble and fall weak at the knees. Surprised, I jerked and pulled away from him.

"You feel it too," Edward muttered, adjusting his body to face mine.

"Yeah, I feel it, what is it?"

"I have no idea," he mumbled. "But I want to feel it -" He ran his finger down the side of my cheek, trailing the charge across my skin with his thumb. "- everywhere."

He leaned in to kiss me. I could see his face getting closer, and, God, how I longed to feel those lips on mine again. My gaze immediately went to Jake's house across the street. None of the lights were on, Jake was definitely in bed. I'd get away with it if I wanted to. But did I really want to? Hell, both Tanya and Jake could be watching right now, and I'd have no fucking idea.

So, reluctantly, I pulled away from him and stood - a feat that took damn near everything out of me. I'd _wanted _to kiss him. I'd _wanted _to feel that electric charge all over my body, but I just couldn't. I was with Jake. He was with Tanya. If we wanted to be together, we had to break up with our partners first, something I wasn't sure I really wanted to do. Jake had always been very good to me. He didn't deserve this.

"I should be getting back," I retorted stupidly. "Uh - thank you for the gift. I hope you like yours."

I didn't wait for a reply. I turned around and marched right back to my house.

Once inside, I collapsed against the front door and took a deep breath.

_What the fuck is wrong with me? _I thought.

I was losing my damned mind.

On the way back upstairs, I peeled the wrappings from the box Edward had given me. "Create-a-mate Casting Kit," it said. I was confused until I looked down and noticed exactly what it was.

I immediately started laughing hysterically.

Edward had made me a dildo replica of his dick.

"You conceited prick," I mumbled to myself, pulling the dildo out of its box. I examined it for a moment, noticing the fact that he'd ordered the vibrating edition, and snickered as I jiggled it in my hands. "Hm, just a little bigger and girthier than Jake," I commented to myself.

_Fuck._

_Did I really just say that?_

"I dub thee, Dante," I added with a chuckle.

_Damn, and now it's got a name._

_What the hell am I doing?_

Almost ashamed, I hid Dante at the back of my underwear drawer and resolved to never let it see the light of day again. I certainly didn't want any of my friends knowing about this, least of all Tanya or Jake.

And I had no intentions of using it - _ever._

Oh, no. This would be our little secret.

_**December 31, 2004 - January 1, 2005**_

It was New Year's Eve, and I'd yet to get a minute alone with Edward to comment on Dante's state of being. I also wanted to know what he thought of my present as well. (Snicker, snicker, snort, snort.)

But we were all busy over the winter holiday and my mom had flown in to spend some time with me, so this was literally the first time I'd gotten away from her since Christmas Eve. I hadn't even seen Jake since that night.

We were all over at Edward's for his annual New Year's Eve Extravaganza. It wasn't anywhere as packed as Jessica's Halloween party, but there was a sizable amount of people there, the very who's who of Forks High.

Somewhere around eleven thirty, I found myself sitting in the living room talking to Angela Weber. She'd always been in the Advanced Placement classes with me and had been an acquaintance since freshman year. I knew her, talked to her a few times, but that's where it ended.

Until we found out that we were both going to Stanford next year, early acceptance.

She grabbed ahold of my arms on either side and her eyes grew into the size of saucers behind those cute little glasses. "Oh. My. God! Freaking Stanford, right?"

"Stanford, man!" I added.

"I mean, California, the sun, the beach, San Francisco - it's really going to be great," Angela said whimsically.

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Edward got accepted there too."

Suddenly, Angela's face lit into even more excitement. "Holy Sh - You have to be my roommate."

"Umm -" I started, a bit overwhelmed by her exuberance.

"I'm sorry," she immediately said with a small giggle. "I just have this thing about living with people I don't know - I mean, what if I end up with a klepto or something like that? You can totally say no, and that'd be okay. I won't be offended."

There was this adorable quality about her, a mousy yet exuberant zest for life. And so I agreed. I kind of felt the same way. I was used to living by myself, or at least being alone for most of the time. Someone I didn't know at all would be incredibly hard for me to adjust to. At least I knew Angela a little and I seemed to get along alright with her.

"Fireworks!" Emmett yelled as he barrelled down the main staircase and out the back door. He was carrying at least ten tubes in his arms and Jake was following closely behind him with two huge boxes of mortars.

"Oh, God," I remarked. "We're gonna get the cops called on us."

"Ah - it'll be fun. Come on." She laughed and followed the crowd out onto the patio, waving for me to come along.

As I got up to revel in the reckless nature of youth, I noticed Jake, Jasper and Emmett out on the patio, but Edward seemed to be missing. This was weird because Tanya and the rest of the girls were out there as well. I turned and looked up the stairs, expecting to see him standing there with that crooked grin on his face. When I saw no one, I went all the way up and circled the corner to his bed room. The door was shut so I knocked.

"Edward?" I called.

The door creaked open slowly. He was standing there, wearing nothing but his jeans.

I couldn't help the skip in my heartbeat or the gasp that formed in the back of my throat.

Then again, I wasn't entirely sure what I should be so shy about.

I had a replica of his penis in the back of my underwear drawer.

I'd named it Dante.

"Oh shit," I turned away from him. "Sorry. I didn't know you were - uh -"

"What do you want, Bella?"

"I came to see why you were hiding."

"Tanya spilled beer down the back of my shirt," he explained. "I was just changing."

"Oh - okay. See ya downstairs." I went to walk away, but he reached out and grabbed my arm.

Again, like every other time he'd touched me, he sent a jolt of energy through my central nervous system that headed straight for my clit. The contact between us was startling to say the least - like sticking my thumb in an electrical socket, but in a good way.

"Why'd you come looking for me, Bella? Did you miss me?"

I shook his hand away from mine. Every second that it stayed there was another second I grew weak.

Maybe that's what it was.

Maybe he was sucking the very life out of me - like a vampire or a mosquito.

Both of which can kill you.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," I muttered.

He licked his lips and drew them into that gorgeous smile that always drove me fucking wild. "Did you like your present?"

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms in front of me, biting my bottom lip playfully. "Yeah, it was - um - surprising."

"Have you used it?" he immediately added with a curt laugh.

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," I teased, taking a step closer to him.

"Tell me, then kill me. I couldn't care less - as long as you tell me."

"Did you like your present?"

"The Dante Book was boring. The binoculars perked my interest. What, perchance, could those be for?" He was using that voice again, the reading voice, the one that sounded like melted chocolate and honey – if, indeed, melted chocolate and honey could have a sound.

"You're a smart boy, you'll figure it out."

I gave him a wink and headed back downstairs, hoping to make it there before the boys had set the whole house on fire. I squeezed through the crowd outside, finally locating my boyfriend to slip under his ginormous arm.

"Hey! There you are! I was worried about you," he exclaimed, planting a kiss on the side of my head. "Emmett's just about to set himself on fire. Let's point and laugh, huh?"

Midnight on the dot, the fireworks started going off. Emmett and Jasper had lit the fuse and ran back up onto the deck as quick as they could.

WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH!

Three mortars exploded into the sky, blowing up into the biggest firework display I'd ever seen.

"Happy New Year, baby." Jake leaned down and kissed me, lightly picking me up around my waist.

I threw my arms around his neck and brought him closer, inhaling everything about him. It was comforting and sensual, and as much as I was having conflicting feelings about Edward - I _knew _I loved Jake with every ounce of my being. I couldn't imagine life without him and I was damn near brought to tears everytime I tried to.

After Jake put me back on my feet, I turned and threw my arms around Rosalie, giving her a big fat kiss on the cheek. "I love you! Happy New Year!"

"I LOVE YOU, KID!" she shouted. "Happy New Year!"

Before I knew it, I was being lifted up into the air from behind. Emmett spun me around in circles and planted me back down on my feet.

"Happy New Year, Bells!"

I threw my arms around him and gave him a kiss as well. "Happy New Year, you big Ogre!"

He laughed and turned to snatch up Alice the way he had to me.

I gave Jasper a big hug and laughed at the kicking, screaming Alice atop Mount Emmett. When he put her down, she ran over to me and threw her arms around my neck.

"Save me from him, Bella! He's a monster."

"Happy New Year, Alice! I love the shit out of you," I said, wrapping my arms around her.

"I love you too, babe!" she yelled in return.

Then I saw Tanya. I went to throw my arms around her and she politely accepted my hug in return. "Happy New Year, Tanya. I'm happy you're a part of my family."

"Yeah, same here," she responded with a smile.

For some reason, I didn't think she was being sincere. Maybe that was because I wasn't.

Whatever the case, I turned to Edward, who had finally made his way outside, and wrapped my arms around his neck, giving him a small kiss on the cheek. "Happy New Year, Edward."

"Happy New Year, Bella," he cooed.

I almost collapsed right there in his arms.

But Jake lifted me up from behind and threw me over his shoulders, caveman style. "Sorry, Cullen. I gotta take my woman and go make some New Years resolutions, you feel me?"

Edward laughed and gestured inside for us to pass him.

Jake took off, jogging through the house and up the stairs. He put me down in the hallway and pressed me against the wall, bringing his forehead to mine. Our lips met briefly, softly. "You wanna get out of here?" he whispered, rubbing his hard on into my pelvis.

"Such a needy man. The party's just getting started," I teased.

I started to walk back downstairs, but Jake stopped me and pulled me back to my spot against the wall.

Suddenly, his face was a ton more serious.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"What Tanya said at Christmas Eve -"

"Jake," I started.

"No, I need to ask. Is there any truth to that?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "What do you think?"

"That's not an answer," he protested.

"No, Jake. There's nothing between Edward and I - I promise - I swear it," I started. "Scout's honor." I held up three fingers playfully.

"I didn't know you were a girl scout," he teased, licking his lips.

"Yes, you did. You and your dad used to buy cookies every year." I gave him a chuckle and headed back downstairs, dragging him behind me.

"You still have that uniform?"

The next thing I knew, the eight of us were standing outside in a circle with our arms wrapped around each other's shoulders, singing "Only The Good Die Young" at the top of our lungs. Somehow, that song had become an anthem to our entire operation.

We were the sinners, we were the ones who gave people reputations.

I would have given anything to make the joy and unity of that moment last forever - the feeling that we were all in this crazy thing called life together and we'd never leave each other - never.

How naive.

_**March 20th, 2005**_

The day my world fell apart. Jake had just told me that he'd signed up for the Marines, that he'd be leaving a week after our senior week trip to go to Basic Training, and that I wouldn't even see him again before I went away to college.

We got into the biggest fight in the history of our relationship.

Then I'd kicked him out - told him never to come back - never to call me again. I told him that if he was just going to leave me than there was no reason for us to even waste our time anymore.

"You're leaving me too, Bella!" he shouted in response. "And I didn't realize that _our _time was a waste."

I was angry. I was hurt. I hardly meant any of it.

I spent most of the day in my room, crying like a drama-sap.

I just didn't want to lose him, and, even though I realized that the war in Iraq was more downtime than Basic Training, I still didn't want Jake in that much harm.

I don't know what came over me or what even made me think of it, but I suddenly felt this urge to make him feel as bad as I did.

I walked over to my dresser and pulled Dante out of his hiding place, staring at it with this enormous sense of complicity as I debated if this was really a step I wanted to take.

Was it cheating to masturbate with a dildo molded after a penis that wasn't your boyfriends?

Aren't all dildos molded after a penis that isn't familiar?

_Fuck it._

I didn't care anymore. I was mad at Jake. I felt, in that moment, that I deserved my vengeance.

I popped two AA batteries into the bottom and brought Dante to life for the first time in his poor, sex deprived life. Taking two deep breaths, I laid back on my bed and slid my shorts down to my knees. My eyes closed as I brought the vibrator to the opening between my legs.

There was no going back now, I was in this.

Something brought me back to my fantasy with Edward. He'd climbed in through my window and, without saying a word, he'd sprung on me - kissing, licking, sucking every part of my skin imaginable. When that bronze head slid between my legs, I pushed the dildo in all the way.

_Holy merciful sin!_

It was amazing. It fit like a long lost puzzle piece. It hit my G-Spot in a fantastic way, like it was specifically designed for me.

I went back to the musings of my own mind and envisioned Edward on top of me, the way he was with Tanya. He kissed my nose, cradled my head, kissed me gently. His lips wrapping around my clit was the most mesmerizing experience of my life; it literally shifted something inside of me. And his cock pounded into me recklessly, like he knew he'd break me but didn't care. If I was any kind of woman, I could handle whatever he gave me.

A jolt of pure ecstasy shot through me as I imagined our encounter. We'd fuck here in the bed, over on the dresser, up against the window - hell, anywhere he wanted me. I was his little slave for a while. My orgasm came quicker than I had anticipated and literally rocked my flipping world. I felt it everywhere - from the base of my neck all the way down to the tips of my toes. Every nerve in my body was simultaneously standing at attention and going haywire.

Was it the forbidden nature of this fantasy that threw me over the edge?

Was it my quest for vengeance?

Or was it Edward? Was he the one that literally turned me into jello?

"Whoa," I managed to whimper after I'd come down from my climax. I stared at Dante with amazement. "Holy fucking crap."

Suddenly, my phone started ringing. I let it go to voicemail - I didn't feel like talking to anyone right now.

It rang again.

This time, I grunted and threw my arm onto my nightstand, nearly knocking everything down in the process.

It was Edward.

_Fuck!_

"Yes," I answered as calmly as I could.

_"What'd you think?"_

At first, I didn't know what he was talking about. _What'd I think? _Think about what?

Then it hit me.

_What did you get him for Christmas, Bella?_

I stood and walked to my window, gazing over to his bedroom window with astonishment. Sure enough, there he sat - staring right back at me.

"Did you figure out what your present was for?" I mused.

_"Did you?"_

I gave him a breathless laugh and hung up, returning to my bed with a new found sense of confusion. Edward had watched me whack off with his dildo, something that should have repulsed me. But instead, I felt admired - a little more beautiful, somehow.

Enough was enough.

I'd given in, alright? I'd fucked my best friend's penis.

And it was fabulous.

Abso-fucking-lutely fantastic. For a few minutes out of the day, I'd forgotten all about Jake. I'd forgotten how he'd hurt me, forgotten that he'd be gone in less than three months and it felt amazing. I'd fucked Edward's dildo and he'd watched. Jake would be so fucking pissed. He'd hurt like I did. It was childish in retrospect, but hindsight is always twenty twenty. At the time, I didn't care. I felt exhausted by my round with Dante, satisfied that I'd earned my revenge and a little sexy that Edward had watched the whole thing. Something about that made me want to run across the street and meet Dante's maker.

I laughed the thought out of my mind and fell asleep like that.

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the love and support. Please leave a review - let me know what your favorite part was, though I bet I'll guess it correctly for most of you. ((Snickers)) Be sure to check out my blog, link on my profile, for a little more about what started this story and what served as my inspiration. **

**That is all. **

**Much love and thanks for reading! **


	4. April 30, May 10 & May 16, 2005

_**April 30, 2005**_

Rosalie insisted that we go prom dress shopping together. Jake and I had all but decided that we were just going to boycott the whole nonsense, but when Alice and Tanya caught wind of that, they went ahead and bought our tickets for us, practically forcing us into it. How could we say no after that?

A day out with the girls may seem like a great time, but shopping with Rose for formal wear was one of the most exhausting events I'd ever been through. When we'd tried on every dress in David's Bridal, she called their selection elementary and demanded we head to one of the mom and pop shops down the street.

I looked at three dresses before I found my favorite, and as soon as I saw it, I immediately headed to the dressing rooms at the end of the building to see if it fit.

"I really like that navy blue color on you," Rose commented as I passed her, shooting me a wink. "I think that's the one. But wait until you try it on, see what you think."

"Thanks," I replied. "I think there's a red one over there you should look at."

"Reeaallllyy?" she hummed, heading that direction.

As I turned to walk away, I heard her exclaim, "Christ on a cracker! Bella, you're amazing!"

"I know," I yelled as I headed into my room.

"And I already have the right shoes to match," she muttered in the background.

I'd managed to get my shirt off before I heard someone clear their throat.

I jumped and turned around, expecting to see someone already in there. But there was no one.

"Up here," the familiar voice whispered.

I looked up and saw Tanya leaning over the top of the stall next to me.

"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked with a giggle. "You scared the shit outta me."

"I owe you an apology," she said with a smile.

"For what?"

"For Christmas Eve." She climbed down from the stall and walked into my room, casually leaning against the door frame before she continued. "I didn't mean to offend you - I just know Edward - very, very well," she explained.

"Oh." I knew she was being sincere, I could hear the honesty in her tone.

_Cue the overwhelming guilt and self loathing._

There was this huge instinct to tell her what was going on, to tell her everything, completely spill my guts. But, in my short seventeen years, I had learned a little thing or two about the female sex. Playing nice will get you anything you want - _most of the time_. If she even suspected the little secrets Edward and I kept, she'd try to butter me up and hopefully, I'd blab.

I was a little smarter than that.

So, I simply smiled and give her a hug. "Apology accepted. We're cool."

"He likes you, ya know. He feels protective of you for some reason."

I took a deep breath and attempted a smile. "Well, he shouldn't. Jake takes very good care of me."

"That's what I tell him, but he's such a stubborn ass sometimes," Tanya joked with a laugh. "Anyways, I'm a bitch. I love you, Bella, and I'm sorry for trashing your Christmas Eve. I know your dad isn't home very much. We're all you've got, huh?"

I nodded. "Yeah, he's on night shift these days." She nodded and looked around absentmindedly with her hand on her hip. I narrowed my eyes at her and tried to speak my heart, to tell her that she popped into my mind every time I even thought about Edward. "Tanya, I couldn't do that to you. Or to Jake. I hope you know that."

"I do," she muttered. "I do know that."

"Good."

She pointed to my formal wear and smiled. "That is definitely _your _dress, Bella. I love that color on you."

I nodded and put my hands on my hips. "That seems to be the general consensus. Rose said the exact same thing."

"You have that one sweater dress almost the same color. All the boys stare at you whenever you wear it. Ever wonder why?" She gave me a small chuckle and turned to leave the room. "Wanna see mine?"

I nodded eagerly.

She brought over a peach colored dress with a fluffy, bell skirt and tight, beaded halter top. "Tanya, that's beautiful," I exclaimed, and it was the truth. It would make her tan look fabulous.

"Thank you," she said. "Okay, now try yours on. I wanna see it on you."

"Okay, well get yours back on too."

She squealed in excitement and ran back into the room to change. Once I had my navy blue ensemble fastened around my torso, she came rushing back over and threw her arm around my shoulders, positioning us in the mirror. I countered and put mine around her waist.

I couldn't help but notice how pale I looked in comparison to her - but I'd never been one of those people who "tanned." I burned, and then I got pale again - a freckle or two heavier. It was in this moment when I realized how _opposite _we were. No wonder we'd never been super close. She played sports - twelve season athlete. I read books - Valedictorian (that's a fact). She was always tan and wearing make-up and sporting the latest clothes, probably the most expensive as well. And I - well the Converses I currently had on my feet were a good-bye gift from my mom when I moved up here four years ago. We really had nothing in common. (Except for Edward's cock, which she rightfully owned and I borrowed the copyright to every now and then.)

Regardless of that fact, she had stuck by me for four years. She'd been at every single party that I had, gone to the same school, hung out with the same people, was part of the same pack. Don't dogs always look out for their pack members, even if they aren't the best friends in the world? Hell, dogs even fight amongst their own packs sometimes. And aren't humans merely a predatory pack animal as well?

I was overthinking it.

It was a good thing that Rose and Alice chose that moment to come bursting into the room. Neither one of us had said anything other than how awesome we looked in our dresses, and that could only take you so far. Alice had chosen a dark green gown and Rose went with the one I'd picked out. We looked amazing.

Was it wrong that I was actually getting a little excited about this stupid, stupid dance?

_**May 10, 2005**_

Prom was awesome. The food sucked, the music sucked, and I'm pretty sure I blinked in every single one of our photos, but Jake and I brought flasks with us so we had half a buzz going by that time anyway. We all danced in a huge group, laughing and singing at the top of our lungs.

The thing I remember most about the night was the amount of pictures Edward took. I think it was somewhere near five hundred. It was like everytime I turned around, he flashed that stupid light in my face. I was surprised I was able to see at the end of the night.

When the limo dropped us off at Chez Cullen, people were already waiting outside for the party.

"Holy shit!" Emmett exclaimed. "We didn't tell Dad it was gonna be this big."

Edward climbed out first, holding his hand out for Tanya to follow him. "Yeah, well, he's at the hospital all night. He won't know, will he?"

"Yeah, not until he comes home tomorrow morning," I added, climbing out after her. "And we haven't cleaned yet."

"Well, we'll just have to make sure we clean up tonight before we go to bed," Edward replied.

"You staying up that late?" Jake asked as he got out.

"Fuck it. Let's get our roll on," Emmett mused, pretending to dust off his tux. He wrapped his arm around Rose's waist and walked up his lawn, approaching the crowd of about forty people. "Alright, everyone. Five at the door, three if you have great tits."

Rose playfully hit him in the chest and snorted.

"Mongrel," she teased. "I'm gonna go get changed; be right back, baby." She gave him a sweet kiss and took off to her house.

"Hurry, I'll miss you," he shouted after her.

It made me sick sometimes how cute they were with each other. He absolutely adored her, and the feeling was incredibly mutual. They looked at each other with this longing, as if each and every second was a struggle to keep their hands to themselves.

I headed back to my house to change into jeans and a t-shirt as well. The gown was beautiful, but these heels were starting to threaten my life. I'd already fallen three times tonight and, as Jake and I walked across the street, I almost tripped on a rock and went flying forward. Thankfully, Jake was there to grab my arm and keep me from falling flat on my face.

By the time I'd made it inside, changed and returned, the party had tripled in size, the line wrapping all the way around the cul-de-sac. I couldn't believe Edward and Emmett were seriously going to charge people to get in, but we had to get the money for senior week somehow. We had decided to stay at Alice's parents' lake house, but beer and food don't buy itself, you feel me?

I walked to the front of the line, gave Emmett a pat on the shoulder as I passed him and grabbed my cup on the way in. The music was already blasting and some girls had gathered in the living room to start dancing. I waved and smiled my way to the keg at the back of the kitchen. Once Rose and Jake caught up, we decided to hit up the beer pong table - and that's where I stayed for most of the night. Jake and I made a killer team and only left the table voluntarily, as in no one could ever beat us off.

Eventually all those games snuck up on me and I was drunker than I really had intended on getting. The whole room spinning around me, I knew I had to get some air. I told Jake I'd be right back and headed out the backdoor to the patio. There were a few people out there, smoking cigarettes and chatting amongst themselves. I sat down on one of the benches and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to insta-sober. Ya know, where you sit there - hoping and praying that, if there is a God, he/she/it might take mercy on you and make the world stop weeble-wobbling right before your eyes.

_Hah! _I thought. _Weebles wobble but they don't fall down - just like drunk people._

"Hey," came a familiar voice.

I looked up, squinting through the haze to get a read on the person's face.

"Hey, Edward," I murmured when realization hit.

"Having a good time?" He came over and sat down next to me.

I snorted a laugh and leaned back. "Yeah, a little bit too much - good of a time." I was so drunk, I could hardly talk straight.

He chuckled and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "I've been meaning to talk to you."

"I just bet you have," I teased, suggesting that I was probably the least of his worries. He had my number. He knew where I slept at night. He could have found a way to talk to me if he wanted.

"Tanya's hard to get away from," he explained.

"Where is she?" I asked. I hadn't seen her all night.

"She got pissed at me." He took a drink of his beer and choked a tiny laugh.

"Again?" I couldn't help the giggle that fell off my lips.

"We're breaking up at the end of summer."

My jaw practically fell to the ground. "Wow," I gasped. "Why?"

"I'll be in California. She'll be here. I wasn't built for long distance relationships."

"Out of sight, out of mind, huh?"

He laughed and nodded. "Something like that."

"Yeah, well, Jake went off and joined the Marines," I groaned. Now it was Edward's turn to be surprised. Apparently, Jake hadn't told anyone besides me. "He leaves the week after we get back from the lake. So, I guess we'll both be fucked and lonely in San Francisco."

At first, Edward said nothing. Perhaps he was dealing with this surprise in his own way. Then, he laughed and shook his head. "Nah," Edward assured me. "You guys have a great relationship, you'll make it through. Besides, he needs something to look forward to when he comes home. You guys deserve that."

I snorted another laugh. "Yeah - He's gonna be gone for six months in South Carolina. And when he gets back, I'll already be at Stanford and he'll be waiting until he gets deployed somewhere else. Then, who knows?"

"I'm sorry you're going to have to go through that. At least you have some way to - uh - pass the time," he joked, wagging his eyebrows at me. He must have been referring to Dante.

I nudged him in the ribs. "Shut it."

"It looked like you had a fabulous time," he continued.

"You liked what you saw, then?"

He leaned in really close and whispered, "Your come face is absolutely adorable," into my ear.

Chills went down my spine. I had to get away from him, get away or kiss him. Either was equally as tempting.

"There you are!" Jake exclaimed as he came barrelling out of the back sliding door.

"Here I am," I muttered and stood to get closer to my_ boyfriend -__** Your boyfriend, Bella!**_ - the person I should be talking about these things with. "Hey, Jake."

"Hey," he grunted, brushing the hair out of my face. He looked between Edward and I, dropping his eyebrows in confusion. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," I immediately blurted. "I was just getting some air. Had a little too much too fast." I gave him a nervous smile and laughed.

"Okay," he mumbled and, throwing his ginormous arm around my shoulders, he pulled me back inside. "The girls are getting ready to do some shots, you in?"

And regardless of how drunk I already was, I needed something to calm my nerves after that talk with Edward. God, he got under my skin. I didn't understand the effect he had on me, or why our bodies tingled when we touched, but Jake interrupting that little session was the best thing that could have happened. I would have given in. I would have fucked everything up.

The party went on around me, and the next thing I knew, everyone had left except for me, Edward, Rose and Emmett. Jake had to get up early tomorrow and go to work, so he went home shortly after I did the shots with Rose and Alice. Edward and I were in the basement, cleaning up the bar and pool table area. There were cups everywhere, cups with blunt guts and half drank beer and disgusting things I couldn't even identify.

"Hah! Look, it's a condom!" Edward exclaimed, pointing his cup my direction.

I picked up some trash from the pool table and threw it in my heavy duty black trash bag, shrugging with indifference. "At least somebody got lucky tonight."

Edward laughed and nodded in agreement. "Right?"

I pushed all the balls into their pockets on the table and leaned over to get one at the very far end. Deciding to take a break, I turned around and sat on the edge of the table, letting my feet hang off the end. "Why are you guys waiting until after summer? Why not do it now?"

He grunted a little sound that resembled something like "Meh." Then he laughed. "Appearances, love. Senior Week wouldn't be any fun without someone to fuck." Edward dumped out an ash tray and placed it back on the bar, glancing up at me. "Why are you guys waiting?"

I sighed and leaned back on my elbows. "I guess for the same reason."

Edward took a few steps closer to me and glanced up the stairs, listening for Emmett and Rose. It was pretty quiet so it was safe to assume that they'd retired to his room already and left the rest for us to do. Once satisfied, Edward placed his arms on either side of my thighs and pried my legs apart with his knees, drawing his face incredibly close to mine.

"I need to ask you something -" he started.

_Uh oh. _I didn't know whether to be turned on or nervous. I was probably a little of both.

"- What happened to you that night?"

"What night?" I was playing coy. I knew exactly which night he was talking about.

"On the phone. Were you really just sex deprived or was it something about _me_?" His eyes were pleading, bearing into my soul for the truth.

The sweet smell of his cologne swirled around my head, mixing Calvin Klein with the faintest scent of beer and cigarettes. It was pure Edward, pure intoxication.

"Why does it matter?"

"Don't be argumentative," he slurred. "Just answer the question."

I took a deep breath, inhaled that glorious scent completely, and closed my eyes. "I can't tell you that."

His eyes lit into surprise and excitement. "It _was _me?"

I couldn't help but eye his pelvis, which at the moment was pressing insanely close to mine. The heat between us was intensifying. "You shouldn't think it a privilege," I cooed. "I happen to also find your brother attractive as well. It could have just as easily been him on the other end of that phone."

"Surely you jest." His lips pressed close to my ear. "I wasn't sure until you used your Christmas present."

_And I'd only used it because I was pissed at Jake._

His hands slid to my hips, pulling my pelvis closer to him. They danced down my thighs and latched onto my knees, giving him leverage to press a little harder against my denim jeans.

This wasn't right.

Nothing felt right about it.

I mean, I wanted to - so fucking bad - especially on his pool table. But Jake didn't deserve this. Maybe once he went away - maybe once he was on the other side of the country. But now? Not a chance.

"What about Tanya?" I whimpered as his lips coasted down the side of my cheek. They created a fireworks display out of the nerve endings in my face, that tingling sensation immediately spreading over the entirety of my body.

"What _about_ Tanya?" he whispered.

"And Jake?"

That seemed to hit a nerve. Even if he didn't love Tanya anymore, he did still love Jake. They'd been best friends since first grade - I was off limits for him.

He ran his hands over his hair and took a step back.

I was left whimpering on the side of the pool table, struggling to catch my breath. The world was spinning harder than it ever had - so hard, in fact, that I couldn't even get air into my lungs.

"You know, I'll get the rest of this in the morning. You should go home," Edward murmured.

I didn't say another word, just took off up the stairs and out the front door. At first I thought I was hyperventilating. I couldn't help it. He had that effect on me - as much physical as it was emotional. As I reached my house, a ginormous smile spread across my face. I was fucked, this much was true. But if Edward was the one doing the fucking, was it really that terrible?

_**May 16, 2010**_

Graduation: gave Valedictorian speech, walked across the big stage, went to lunch with Dad, met up with the group, drank, partied, fucked Jake, passed out.

I woke up the next morning with the hugest fricking hang over in the entire world, and I didn't even have time to complain about it. Jake was practically screaming at me that it was time to get up and leave for the lakehouse. It took me a few seconds to understand that he was just talking normally and it was the amount of Jack Daniels I had last night that was making it seem like he was yelling, but once I got that, I kicked my ass into gear.

We packed yesterday so that getting up and leaving today would be an easy process. Sure enough, twenty minutes later, we were waiting for Rosalie (of course) in my Toyota Tundra. She'd forgotten her bag of shoes and had to run back in to grab it. Rose, Emmett and Edward were riding with Jake and I. Alice, Jasper and Tanya were in her Nissan Altima behind us. Rose came running out of the house and climbed in the back seat.

"Okay, we can go," she said as she shoved the bag between her legs to the floor.

Edward had taken the seat right behind me.

_Fucker._

Everytime I looked into the rear view mirror, I saw those emerald eyes and it took me back to prom night on his pool table. I'd wanted him so badly, I still did. We hadn't even gotten a chance to talk about it yet - we were hardly ever alone anymore. Emmett, Rose, Jake and Tanya were constantly around, it seemed like.

Staying in a house with Edward for a whole week was bound to be interesting, even if everyone else was there as well. As I understood it, this house was ginormous and even if I tried to avoid it at all costs, I knew there'd be a moment or two where he and I would find ourselves alone. I knew I had fucked up big time. Allowing him to get that close had only opened a Pandora's box full of evil things I wanted him to do to me.

Would this blow up in my face?

_Oh, most definitely._

Would we be able to contain ourselves?

_I doubted it._

"So, Edward -" Jake started, looking over his shoulder into the backseat.

"Yeah? What's up?" Edward replied, leaning forward.

"Why's Tanya being such a bitch lately?"

"Jake!" I shouted, hitting him on the shoulder.

"Ow!" he yelped and rubbed his arm. "I'm just curious - that's all. I have to know what topic to avoid this week or else we face the wrath of Medusa."

"That's not nice," I chided, trying my hardest to suppress a laugh. It was mean, yes, but only because it was true.

"Well, not all of us can be lucky enough to date someone as awesome as Bella," Edward explained sarcastically. "I like that about Tanya - keeps me on my toes."

"Please," Rose interrupted, faking a gag to add insult to injury. "Don't act like you guys aren't screaming at each other every single night. Why would you actually like that?"

I glanced in the rear view and saw Edwards dejected stare, as if he'd wished for one second, that Rose had been born a mute or suddenly fell off the face of the planet.

"I hear it's like a fetish kind of thing," I spoke up, silencing everyone in the car. "People get off on the anger, the build up in the fight, ya know? Edward's just a freak, guys. Leave him alone."

For a second, no one said anything.

Then Jake grunted a laugh and Rose blurted, "Ew."

"Alright, enough about Edward," Emmett interrupted. "What are you guys doing when we get home? You really gonna ship off to South Carolina and let your girl go to California all by herself?"

"I'll only be gone for a few weeks and then the recruiter said I could have a choice of a few bases I can go to. I'll pick the one closest to her," Jake elaborated. "Or I'll get sent to Iraq."

_Funny, _I thought to myself. _We hadn't talked about any of this._

To be honest, I was actually avoiding it. Talking about his leaving would be admitting that it was going to happen in less than two weeks - and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

"We'll write letters or something. Talk to each other as much as possible," Jake continued, looking over to me as he reached out for my hand. I eyed Edward's incredulous glare in the rearview before glancing at Jake and smiling. "We'll make it through somehow."

He said that and I heard the words - understood their meaning - but he might as well have been speaking a foreign language. For weeks I'd been fighting with myself about what I really wanted. Some part of me needed him, but the other part was a little excited about this new life at college. What if I met my soul mate there and passed him by because I was waiting for my _boyfriend_ to get home from boot camp.

Maybe I'd grow tired of waiting, waiting, waiting, always waiting.

And I definitely didn't like that Jake was making decisions for me without even so much as a conversation about it.

Two hours of gossip and Johnny Cash later, we pulled up outside The Brandon's lake house. It was absolutely amazing. It had five bedrooms, an in ground pool and a private lakeside beach. No one really knew what Alice's dad did for a living, no one had really asked. Jasper once said he worked for the CIA or something like that. Who knew? Looking at the size of this place, who cared?

As soon as we got there, I pulled Jake into our room and asked him about what happened in the truck. I told him I didn't like how he did that to me and that we needed to really talk about his leaving. He shrugged me off, said there wasn't any real reason for things to change and suggested we go play with the rest of the kiddies. In light of vacation and the last two weeks with Jake, I let it go.

In retrospect, this is the single defining moment of my life. If I had forced the issue, if I had mandated a break up at the end of summer, if I'd just thrown a big fit instead of forgetting about it, I would have saved everyone a lot of heartache and pain.

The next day, I hung out at the lake with Edward, Jake and the rest of the girls until about four. Then, we headed back inside for the awesome dinner that Alice and Tanya had planned. They were making cheeseburgers, hot dogs and corn on the cob. It may not sound like the most gourmet feast, but the smell made my stomach growl and I planned on devouring my cow meat viciously - regardless of Alice's insistence on bringing soy burgers as well. Once we were all showered and fed, the girls headed outside to the hot tub with a bottle of wine while the guys played a round of beer pong on the dinner table.

Once we were all soaking in the hot water, Rose turned to me and smiled. "It's gotta be tough on you, knowing that Jake's leaving in like two weeks."

"Yeah," I answered, taking a sip of my Merlot. "It sucks."

"What are you going to do after he leaves?" Alice asked.

"Well, I'm actually going to Stanford early to get some credits out of the way," I explained. "It'll just be general courses, like English and stuff."

"So, you're leaving us too?" Tanya pouted.

_Fake bitch._

"Unfortunately," I groaned. "But it's okay. I'll be back for holidays. It'll be just like the old days."

"No, it won't," Tanya snorted with a laugh. "Everything's going to change after this. Jake's going off to war, you and Edward are going to Ivy League, Emmett and Rose are going to Maryland."

"What?" I exclaimed. I didn't know that.

Rose smacked her on the shoulder. "Thanks, Tanya."

"You're going to Maryland?" I asked.

"Emmett got a scholarship to College Park for basketball. He didn't know if he wanted to go at first, but he just made up his mind a few days ago. I'm tagging along for fun. Who knows? I might go to community college or something." Rose shrugged, took another drink of wine and gave a girlish laugh. "I might even try to get into Maryland next year."

"Rose - you do realize that Maryland is on the other side of the country, right?" I protested.

She nodded. "I love a fresh start. Besides, Emmett's my whole life. I don't work without him. He went away to camp for two months that one summer and I damn near fell apart."

"Yeah, but you were thirteen," I continued. "C'mon. I remember crying for three days when the Spice Girls broke up." Alice and Tanya laughed, Rose shrugged indifferently. "You've never wondered if there was something else out there? Someone better for you?" I asked in disbelief. I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing. She was throwing her whole life away for Emmett's future. I mean, what would Rose do on the east coast? And even if she didn't regret it five years from now or ten years from now, some day she would. Some day she'd wished she'd never made such a stupid mistake, and then, she'd turn spiteful.

"No, not really," Rose said candidly. "I know Emmett's going to be my husband one day. I know he's the father of my future children."

"Wow," Alice whispered. "Them some strong words, Rosalie Hale."

"That's so romantic," Tanya said wishfully. "I tried that with Edward - HAH! He shot me down. He told me he didn't want me to regret not making it on my own. If I wanted to follow him to Stanford, then I had to get in by myself."

Now, there's someone with some damn sense.

"Regret it? Why would you regret it, as long as you're with him?" Rose spoke up.

"Not everyone has the perfect high school sweetheart relationship, Rose," Tanya teased with an awkward laugh. "Besides - I don't follow him. I'm my own person."

"Yeah right!" Alice spat. "I mean, we love you sweetheart, but you're his shadow. You even went to Monster Trucks with the boys when we had that party for the premiere of Sex & The City."

"I hate Sarah Jessica Parker," Tanya groaned.

"Who cares? You could have just hung out with the girls for once - instead of _Edward," _Rose blurted, saying his name with a girly mocking high pitched tone.

Tanya shrugged and took another gulp of her wine.

It was in this moment that I realized the exact dynamic of Tanya's relationship with Edward. She was hopelessly in love with him and followed him around everywhere like a lost puppy, and Edward - well, he'd gotten tired of taking care of the puppy. He was seeking bigger and better things in this world, things that she simply couldn't provide for him. She'd be stuck in Forks until someone came and swept her off her feet. Even if she was all grown up, she still saw herself as a princess trapped in a tower, awaiting her prince to come rescue her. Needless to say, Edward was no prince charming - and he certainly didn't see himself that way, even if Tanya did.

The hot tub fell silent for a few minutes before Alice started laughing and pointed at me jokingly. "I think out of everyone, Bella's gonna marry Jake first."

I snorted a laugh in disagreement. "Doubtful. Jake's gonna' be gone for a long time."

"Hell yeah! You should marry him," Rose shouted. "Get those government benefits. Live off the man!"

I laughed and shook my head. "No, no. He's a hopeless romantic. He sees this future where we ride off into the sunset together, having always been together -"

"And what do you see?" Alice interjected.

"I see - other prospects," I snorted with a laugh. "Is that bad?"

"That you wanna be a whore for a little while?" Tanya said.

"Not a whore - just -" I started.

"Free," Rose answered for me. She shot me a wink and took a drink. "I hear ya. Fucking the same penis for your whole life gets rather redundant, but you know what my older cousin, Natalie, told me? They're all the same after a while. Once you find the one that makes you come, that knows what it's doing - hold on to that fucker with all you've got. They're few and far between."

We all laughed hysterically. Rose was a really funny drunk, and the drunker she got, the more outrageous and hilarious she became.

"Yeah, I've never had an orgasm," Tanya confessed.

Suddenly, all of our jaws were on the floor - er - in the water.

"What?" I shouted.

"Is Edward just not any good or -" Alice asked.

"No, I think he's good. I mean, I've never had anything to compare it to - but if I had to guess, yeah, he's a good fuck." Tanya's cheeks were turning a bright shade of pink, and I wasn't sure if that was from the embarrassment or the heat of the tub. "I think it's me. I think I'm just one of those women who can't -"

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no," Rose started. "_All _women can orgasm. You just gotta' find that guy who knows how to get _you. _Ya' know?"

"No, not really."

"Does Edward know where your G-Spot is?" Rose continued, and Alice and I started cracking up.

"Laaddiess!" Jake sang as he walked out onto the deck. "Edward and I just whooped their pansy asses - so who's next? Rose? Bella? Any of you girls wanna get spanked?" He wagged his eyebrows playfully.

I looked at Tanya. She looked at me. Then it was on. All fakeness aside, there were boyfriends to beat, and by golly, we were gonna' take them down.

Four cups into the game, Tanya and Jake got everyone engaged in a round of "Twenty Questions."

"Hmm, first crush," Tanya slurred.

"Jonathan Taylor Thomas," I instantly answered, tossing the ball across the table and landing it right in a cup. "Booyah!" I stuck my tongue out at Jake across the table.

"Devon Sawa," Tanya answered.

"Nick LaChey," Alice answered from the sidelines.

"Jennifer Love Hewitt," Edward admitted.

"Molly Connolly, Kindergarten," Jake muttered.

"I remember that!" Jasper added with a laugh. "You two kissed behind the locker corridor."

"Yeah, but that didn't count. Anything under seven doesn't count," Jake reasoned.

"I agree with that," Edward added.

"Okay, speaking of which, first kiss. Edward, of course." She then turned to me.

"Uh, well, it was this kid named Robby Miller back in Phoenix. Ten years old," I confessed. It was a big fat lie of course, and I couldn't help but eyeball Edward from across the room. Another one of our little secrets.

"Ian Summers, eighth grade field trip to the World War II museum," Alice confessed.

"If not Molly, then Bella," Jake admitted.

"Aww, Jake," Tanya cooed in response.

Then all eyes fell on Edward. Would he be honest? Would he lie?

"A gentlemen never tells," he said gracefully, shooting me tiny wink.

"It wasn't me," Tanya said, "but he won't ever tell me who." She shrugged and threw the ball, landing it in another cup. "Oh! Rollbacks," she shouted, gesturing for Edward to roll the balls back to her. We crushed them, of course. It came down to one cup on one cup and I flashed Jake to get him to miss. Needless to say, Edward didn't make the cup either. When I played beer pong, I got into a zone and tuned everything else out. I just wish I had better balance when I ran because I would have been a killer athlete. Suffice to say, I was more likely to trip over my own two feet than score the game winning goal, unless it was beer pong.

When I did win the game, Tanya threw her arms around my neck and pulled me into a hug.

"Okay, Craziest place you got caught having sex," Jake announced. "Bella and I once did it in her truck in the driveway of what we thought was an abandoned building. Just as we were finishing, the fire department set the house on fire. Turns out, they had planted the fire starters before we got there, left the premises to light it, and then we pulled up. They waited until we were done to get started. Wasn't that nice?"

"No," I interrupted with a laugh. "No, they weren't nice. They watched us the whole time and then they called my dad!"

"Chief Swan was pretty pissed that night," Jake confessed.

"Rose and I got caught balls deep at the Planetarium," Emmett started. Rose smacked him across the chest and chuckled. "By rent-a-cops."

"We're banned from the Science Center for the rest of our lives," Rose said proudly.

Jake raised his hand in the air, leaning toward Emmett for a high five. "Hell yeah, man" he shouted. "That's awesome."

"Jasper and I did it at this concert in Seattle. It was on the grass during Coldplay's 'Fix you,'" Alice said wistfully.

"Lame!" Emmett shouted.

"Fuck you, man! Coldplay's the shit," Jasper shouted.

The party went on around us and I couldn't help but notice how Tanya and Edward stayed quiet during that last question. Either they'd done something incredibly mischievous, or they hadn't done anything at all. Either answer intrigued me greatly.

I returned my attention to Jake, remembering he was leaving soon, and decided to team up with him next round. It was only right that we stick together until the end. We played beer pong until I couldn't feel my face anymore, and then I passed out on top of him in the living room. He must have woken up sometime during the night and carried me into our bedroom because that's where I found myself the next morning.

It was early.

Whenever I got that drunk on beer, I passed out cold for about four hours and then I'm up for the day. I pried myself out from under Jake's arm and hit the bathroom before heading upstairs to the main level. The house was trashed. We'd left beer cups and wine glasses everywhere, not to mention the fact that no one had decided to clean the dishes from last night, so dinner was still piled up in the sink.

I poured myself a glass of water and turned around to take a drink, noticing the mild puff of smoke billowing outside the sliding glass window. Edward was out on the deck. I tiptoed to the door, slid it to the side and snuck out.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Hey, yourself," he murmured and pinched the joint between his fingers a little tighter.

"Couldn't sleep?" I asked, wincing at the sun just coming over the horizon.

"I like the sunrise. It's peaceful. No one's ever awake for it," he explained.

I took the seat next to him and crossed my legs in front of me. "Is that what I think it is?" I asked, pointing to his weed.

"That depends on what you think it is."

"My, you're cryptic this morning."

He laughed and handed it to me. "It's pot. Take a hit. Watch the sunrise with me."

I brought it to my lips and took a long drag, coughing and wheezing until my eyes watered as I blew it out. I handed it back to him and leaned into the plush seat. It was silent for a few moments before Edward started laughing and ran his hands through his hair. "Do you remember the very first time we kissed? Not this last time, but the very _first _time?"

"Uh -" Edward handed me the joint, I took a drag and exhaled, handing it back to him before I answered. "You mean, when we were nine?"

"Yeah, when everyone was away at camp except for me and you."

I smiled and let out a small giggle. "Of course I remember it."

"I was scared shitless," he added with a laugh.

"I know you were."

"Why weren't you?" he asked.

"I -well, I don't really know, honestly. I just wasn't." I started laughing as I remembered the whole thing. "I remember it being so - wet - and gross."

"Yeah, the first time's always weird." He chuckled and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his torso. "I ran away right afterwards."

I laughed harder. "Yeah, you did."

"I was afraid I'd done it wrong or something. I didn't really like it, to tell ya' the truth."

"Gee, thanks," I teased.

"We were nine. No one kisses good at nine."

"Well -" I corrected.

"What?" he asked, his face scrunching into confusion.

"No one kisses _well _at nine."

He smirked and shook his head. "Know it all."

"Perpetual self hater," I mocked in response.

"Did you tell Jake I was your first kiss?"

"Obviously not. He'd shit a brick. You can't ever, ever say anything to him about it," I demanded.

"I won't," he said. "It's our little secret."

"We have a lot of little secrets, Edward."

"Does that bother you?"

"Not really. Friends are supposed to share secrets, right?"

"Friends?"

I looked to him and smiled. "Yeah, friends."

"Is that what you think we are?"

"Well, what would you say we are?"

"I'm not really sure," he muttered. "Definitely not friends."

And that was the end of it. I rested my head on his shoulder and watched the sun come up over the lake. It was beautiful - brilliant reds, purples and yellows painted the sky, which reflected over the water. He was right. It was much more peaceful than sunset, and that was because no one else was awake. This was our sunrise - and no one could take it away.

Eventually, Jake came outside looking for me. He was sleepy eyed and still had the comforter from our bed wrapped around his shoulders.

"Hey, what are you guys doing out here so early?" he groaned, stretching high into the air as he walked towards us.

"Watching the sunrise. Wanna join us?" I whispered so no one else would wake up.

"Sure."

I scooted closer to Edward so Jake could sit down on the other side of me. I curled into his chest and wrapped the blanket around my shoulders, pulling it so it could wrap around Edward too. He leaned into my back and rested his head on my shoulder blades. I cannot describe how content I felt in that moment. I had both of my best friends wrapped around me, encasing my heart completely.

It was ridiculous. I loved the feeling of being cuddled up next to Jake, almost as much as I loved the feeling of being held from behind by Edward. And those two had such love and respect for each other that none of the closeness seemed weird to them either. It only hit me then that what Tanya said last night was absolutely true. Everything was going to change. Soon, Jake would be gone. Emmett and Rose would be gone. Alice and Jasper would be gone. And I'd be in San Francisco with Edward and Angela. Our tight knit little family was going to fall apart, the way our original ones had.

And the way things were going with Edward and I could only mean heartache and arguments, something we all hated about our parents.

The thought made me sad.

I tried to block it out and push it to the back of my mind.

_Ten days left,_ I told myself. _That's all I had with Jake and that's all I needed to be worrying about._

As soon as everyone else was awake, Edward and Emmett made breakfast while the ladies showered and got ready for the beach. It was only supposed to be sixty degrees today, rainy with a chance of thunderstorms, but no one cared. If there was a chance for any sun, we were going to grab it by its fiery sun-ray haunches.

Emmett brought his jet ski with him and had fastened a string to the back of it, enabling it to pull a tube. Jake volunteered to go first.

The lake was cold, laying out on the beach with a bikini on was cold, but Jake tumbling backwards off a piece of rubber going 40 miles per hour - Priceless! - once I'd realized he was okay, of course. Edward got it all on camera. It was hilarious!

The lake didn't last long. We were back inside before one.

After eating lunch, the eight of us piled around the television and watched _"Dodgeball,"_ one of our favorite movies as a group. Ben Stiller had become sort of an icon in our minds, not to mention the comedic timing of Vince Vaughn - whom I absolutely adored, and would run away with in a heartbeat. The man almost made me pee myself sometimes.

It went on like this for the next four days. We woke up, we went to the lake, we came back, we partied. No one fought, no one got upset with each other, even Tanya was in the best of spirits. It wasn't until the last night we were at the cabin that anything really detrimental happened.

_**A/N: Be sure to let me know what you think. What was your favorite part? Least favorite? Also, don't forget about my blog. You can find the link on my profile. :-) Thanks for reading. **_


	5. May 20, June 15 & July 13, 2005

_**A/N: ****Thank you so much for reading this little idea I had one day. Let me know what you think and I hope you enjoy it. :-)**_

_**May 20, 2005-**_

Rose, Emmett and Jake had gone out to get ingredients for dinner. Tanya, Alice and Jasper went to find more beer. That left Edward and I in charge of cleaning the house before they got back. Operation "Don't-Get-Alice-Grounded" had begun. Her parents probably suspected that we drank and fucked and smoked pot, but they didn't need any confirmation, and Alice wasn't going to start taking any chances.

I was in my room, stripping the sheets so that I could throw them in the wash, when I suddenly heard Edward yell from down the hall.

"Edward?" I shouted and walked toward him.

"Hell! Yeah!" I heard him call from Emmett and Rose's room.

When I got there, I found him sifting through some photos that were in a drawer he'd opened. "What's up? What are those?" I asked, walking closer.

He instantly hid them under his arm and smiled. "Nothing, nothing you'd want to see."

I narrowed my eyes on him and walked closer, holding my hand out demandingly. "Show me."

"Um - no," he protested.

I closed the distance between us and teasingly ran my fingers over his cock. He got distracted, of course, so I grabbed the pictures and took off down the hall.

"You evil bitch!" he snapped and ran after me. I stopped at the end of the hall to look at them, and _HOLY SHIT!_

Hell yeah is right!

They were incredibly naughty pictures of Rose taken by Emmett - definitely.

One had his dick in her mouth.

But as soon as I realized that, I had an angry Edward slamming me up against the wall, pinning my hands above my head so that he could snatch them back from me. The contact distracted us both. That gentle hum of sensation, that electric static buzz, whatever _that _was - it stunned us dead in our tracks. We stared at each other for a moment, unsure of what to do or say.

I felt like I wanted to kiss him, like I should - but that just _couldn't _happen again.

I couldn't allow it to.

_Seven days left with Jake. _I chanted in my head. _Only seven days left._

"Why is it that I always seem to find myself pinning you up against a wall?" he murmured.

"Why is it that you enjoy pinning me up against the wall?" I retorted playfully.

"I have these dreams," he started with a laugh. "You'd look so good with my fist in your hair."

I couldn't help but start cracking up. "I'd - what?"

He started chuckling as well, seeing the stupidity of his words. "See, this only works if you don't make me look like an asshole."

"You make yourself look like an asshole," I snorted.

"How so?" He rubbed his pelvis harder into mine, whispering against my ear so it sent chills of his breath down my spine.

"You know I'm taken, you know you can't have me, yet you torment yourself relentlessly."

"I guess I'm just a perpetual self hater," he joked.

"Guess I'm just a know it all."

"Just wait until I get you in California," he teased.

"Oh yeah? And what happens there?" I perked an eyebrow at his candid sentence. Surely, he wasn't planning naughty things in California - was he?

"Didn't you hear me? _I get you _in California - all to myself."

If it was possible, I was sure I'd just sprung a leak some where down deep. He had me so turned on, I almost couldn't even function.

"You're over optimistic," I whimpered. And just to be a cock tease, I slowly hitched my leg onto his waist and pulled him even closer to me. His dick was almost hard; I could feel it through his gym shorts, pressed against my throbbing lady parts.

_God -_

What I wouldn't give to drop to my knees and get a taste of that delicious looking -

"You're in denial," he shot back. "Fifty bucks says I get you to fuck me before junior year."

"Oh -" I laughed. "That is not a bet you wanna make if you have _any _aspirations of fucking me before then."

"Two hundred says you beg me for it before I let you have it," he wagered, rubbing his bulge against my clit even harder.

My knees were shaking so hard, I damn near collapsed on him. "Four hundred, and you're on. Because I think you're gonna be the one down on your knees, pleading with me to let you have a taste."

"Hmm," he muttered. "You could have me on my knees tasting you right now if you wanted."

"See what I mean? You're terribly weak willed."

Just when I thought I wouldn't be able to resist him any longer, the door to the house slammed shut.

"HOOMMIIEESS!" Emmett belted. "I'M HOOMEE!"

Edward immediately stepped away from me, leaving me with this gaping, absent feeling - this hole where that tingly feeling all over my body used to be.

"Go put these back where you found them, quick," I went to say, handing him the pictures.

But it was too late. Jake came running down the stairs and there we were - precarious as can be.

"Hm," Jake murmured. "This looks friendly."

My heart was beating so fast, I thought I was having a heart attack. I must have looked like a deer in headlights, my eyes were open so wide.

"Here, look," Edward whispered, handing Jake the pictures.

Jake took them and glanced them over for a second, his eye's lighting up like a little kid's on Christmas. He laughed, shook his head and looked back up at Edward. "Sick, dude. You got hard looking at your brother's girl? You and Tanya need to have a long, serious talk. For real."

Then there were more footsteps on the stairs.

"Shit, she's coming," I exclaimed, grabbing the photos from Jake to run them back to their rightful spot in the drawer. I immediately turned around to grab the sheets.

"Hey guys," Rose said, looking into the room. "Whatcha doing?"

"Laundry," I breathlessly mumbled. Edward had snuck away somehow, the prick, and Jake couldn't help but stare. I had to admit, it was strange looking at Rosalie now. Even as she stood there, I couldn't help but picture her plump, beautiful lips wrapped around Emmett's - "What are you doing?" I blurted in a desperate attempt to distract myself.

"Nothing. About to start dinner," she explained, adjusting her gaze from me to Jake, who was absolutely eye fucking her. She gave him a confused face and looked back to me. "What the fuck is wrong with him?"

I smacked him on the back of the head. "Yeah, Jake. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Ow!" He immediately rubbed the spot I'd hit and shot me an astounded glare. "Nothing, damn!"

"You two are strange," Rose retorted, walking back out of the room and up the stairs.

"Stop it!" I hissed at Jake.

"No, you stop it," he snarled in response, giving me a small laugh.

"Get it together, Jake," I teased, laughter choking my words. "Stop picturing his cock in her mouth."

He chuckled harder and poked me in the ribs. "That's all you could think about, wasn't it?"

"You're the pervert out of the two of us. Not me," I joked.

"You should dress up and let me take pictures of you," Jake suggested. "Like that."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "And just what would you do with those pictures, huh?"

"Keep them for my own _personal_ devices." Jake wagged his eyebrows at me and smiled.

"Yeah, right," I snorted. "You'll just show them to all your Marine buddies, won't you?"

"Mayyybee," he whispered teasingly. "Maybe not. Maybe I don't want anyone else seeing you like that."

I punched him in the arm and pointed toward the stairs. "Go help with dinner, huh? Let me do the laundry in peace."

He laughed, and, like a good little soldier boy, did what he was told.

Jasper, Alice and Tanya had been gone forever, but when they did get back, Tanya unleashed a fury like hell hath never known. Something must have set her off while she was out, who really knew what it was, but she came back and just started _screaming _at Edward. Then she took off downstairs and barricaded herself in her room.

I don't know if it was because the rest of us really had nothing to talk about or if we were intentionally eavesdropping, perhaps Edward and Tanya were really arguing that loud, but whatever the case, everyone seemed entranced by their fight.

"Alright, I'm throwing twenty in on them breaking up," Emmett wagered in a hushed voice.

"Shh!" Rose whispered.

"Nah, she'll chew him out and he'll storm off. But he'll come back later and kiss her and tell her he loves her and they'll be at it again by tomorrow afternoon," Jasper predicted.

"Shh!" Rose hissed again, this time a little louder.

_"Jasper and Alice are getting married," _Tanya whined._ "He proposed to her on the mountain top while I was in the store paying for everything. Why don't you ever do that kind of stuff for me?_"

I couldn't help the overall joy I felt at hearing that. Jasper and Alice had a good shot of making it as a married couple, and even if they didn't want everyone to know yet, (by the look on their faces, that was the case) it was incredibly great news.

Rosalie had to literally throw her hand over her mouth to keep from squealing. "Congrats!" she muttered quickly.

"Shh!" Emmett and Jasper both snarled at her.

_"I'm eighteen. What the fuck do you want from me?" _Edward screamed in response.

_"If we were married, we could get family housing on campus." _Even her muffled voice sounded desperate. _"I've been researching it."_

I sighed and leaned into Jake, who was sitting next to me on the couch as we pretended to watch _South Park._

_"Tanya!" _he shouted. _"You're not following me, okay? You've been following me since we were kids. Get your own life. Do your own things. Learn a new language, move to France, marry a billionaire, I don't fucking give a shit. Whatever you do, do it for yourself."_

_"Are you saying you don't love me? That you want me to run off with another guy?" _Tanya was crying so hard, she might as well have been speaking a different language – that's what it sounded like.

_"No, that's not what I'm saying." _He was growing tired of this, tired of her. _"See, that's the problem right there. You don't fucking listen to me. You just hear what you wanna hear."_

_"Then why won't you marry me?"_

_"Because I'm a fucking kid! Don't you get that? I'm not getting married to you because you're a kid too. We both need to grow up."_

_"Then, stay with me. Stay with me until we grow up."_

_"I can never win with you! No, I'm not staying here. And don't even think about coming to California, Tanya. You're a big girl, you'll figure something else out."_

_"You're just going there so you can fuck Bella! Isn't that right?" _Her voice was suddenly more angry, more intense, more like a snarl than a distressed whimper.

And I just dropped my head in disgust. Fucking shame on her. Just because she wanted to ruin her night didn't mean she had to ruin mine.

"What the hell is she talking about?" Jake asked.

I rolled my eyes and looked at him. "What do you think? Nonsense. She's paranoid," I lied.

"You keep saying that, but -" Then, Jake looked around to the other two couples in the room with us. They really didn't need another couple fighting and screwing up the whole night. So he shrugged and took a sip of his beer. "We'll talk about it later."

_"Stop it!" _Edward suddenly yelled.

_"It's true, isn't it? All this time you've liked her, and she's been lollying around with Jake, so you haven't had the balls to tell her. She doesn't even have a clue, does she?" _Tanya hissed. _"You've just been with me just to be with someone. Tell me, do you think about her when we fuck? Do you?"_

_"That's enough! I'm not having this argument with you again," _Edward screamed. He must have meant it because we heard a door slam and then he trudged up the stairs, immediately walking out the front door. He didn't even acknowledge any of us. Not that anyone blamed him. I actually felt a little sorry for the chap.

"Wow," Rose exclaimed, finally breaking the silent tension in the room. "And here I was thinking we were gonna make it all week without a fight."

"Oh come on, Rose," Jasper said, rolling his eyes, "Tanya doesn't count. She'd start a fight just because she was bored."

"I suppose you're right," Rose agreed.

That night was the worst of all the ones we'd spent there. Tanya stayed locked in her room and Edward didn't come back until about ten. The rest of us ate dinner, tried to have the best time we could and cleaned everything from top to bottom in order to make way for an early departure tomorrow. Around midnight, Jake headed downstairs for bed, followed shortly thereafter by Emmett and Rose. Jasper and Alice decided to get in the hot tub and, even though I was tempted, I didn't join them so that they could have their alone time. They'd just gotten engaged after all.

Yearning for some alone time of my own, I curled up on the couch with _The Great Gatsby _by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Sure, I'd graduated already, but now it was time to start thinking about college. I couldn't let my mind get rusty.

About fifteen minutes later, Edward came upstairs and plopped down next to me.

_So much for alone time._

"How you holding up?" I asked, placing the bookmark into the spine of my novella.

"Eh," he murmured. "She took two Ambiens and called it a night - thank God."

I nodded and gave him a small smile.

"Everyone heard everything, didn't they?"

I laughed awkwardly. "Most of it, yes."

He looked upset about that for a moment.

"But, don't worry," I continued. "I think you held your ground tremendously well, all things considered."

"Thanks." He snorted a laugh and sighed, twisting a piece of his hair nervously around his index finger. "Sorry about what she said, by the way. She's obsessed with finding out there's something going on between us."

"But there's nothing going on between us," I said slowly. "Right?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "No, I suppose not."

We were lying to each other for the sake of our own sanity. These games we were playing only blurred everything we'd come to accept as reality. If anything were to happen between us, our make shift family would never speak to us again. Not only were we lying to Tanya and Jake, but we'd have to lie to everyone else as well - for the sake of Tanya and Jake.

"You want me to read to you?" he teased, pointing at my book.

"No, thank you," I whispered with a giggle. "You want me to read to you?"

"Sure," he replied quietly. "What are you reading?"

"The Great Gatsby," I answered, flipping open to my page.

His face twisted into confusion.

"What?" I asked in reference to his look.

"Isn't that a book they assign to you in school?"

"Sure," I agreed. "I suppose."

"So, why are you reading it for fun?"

"Because it's quick and it's terribly romantic."

"Romantic? Good God, you're pathetic," he argued.

"What? Screw you, okay? Gatsby exhausts every expenditure, goes above and beyond to make himself appear good enough for Daisy."

"Gatsby goes above and beyond for himself. He loves Daisy, but she's already moved on with someone else. He knows that," Edward countered.

"That's what so romantic - he knows that, and he still pines for her anyway. She pines for him too."

"You women - always waiting for some stupid man to come whisk you off your silly feet," he teased.

"Not all women are waiting for that," I responded with hardly any hesitation.

He smiled and tapped his finger on the end of my book. "Go on," he hummed.

I gave him a sheepish smile and cleared my throat, deciding to pick up where I had left off.

_"As I went over to say good-bye, I saw that the expression of bewilderment had come back into Gatsby's face, as though a faint doubt had occurred to him as to the quality of his present happiness. Almost five years! There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams—not through her own fault, but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion. It had gone beyond her, beyond everything. He had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time, decking it out with every bright feather that drifted his way. No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart.'_

'_As I watched him he adjusted himself a little, visibly. His hand took hold of hers, and, as she said something low in his ear, he turned toward her with a rush of emotion. I think that voice held him most, with its fluctuating, feverish warmth, because it couldn't be over-dreamed—that voice was a deathless song.'_

'_They had forgotten me, but Daisy glanced up and held out her hand; Gatsby didn't know me now at all. I looked once more at them and they looked back at me, remotely, possessed by intense life. Then I went out of the room and down the marble steps into the rain, leaving them there together."_

I'd reached the end of the chapter, and decided that was where I decided to stop for the night. Gatsby & Daisy now sounded all too familiar for my tastes. Edward leaned back on the couch, wrapped his hands under his head and crossed his legs in front of him. Sighing, I tossed the book in his lap and stood, shooting him a wink as his eyes snapped open.

"I should probably get to bed. I bet Jake's waiting up for me." I waved goodnight and went to pass him, but he grabbed my hand to stop me. I jumped from the buzz, the static charge, whatever it was that passed between our skin when we touched - it startled me in the most awesome way.

"Wait," he muttered.

"I can't do this with you now," I whispered. "I have seven days left."

"What she said today, about my liking you -" he started, dropping his eyes. "- I haven't told her anything."

"You need to shut it - right now. Alice and Jasper are right outside, probably listening to this whole conversation. Your girlfriend is breaking apart downstairs and I don't care how you do it, but you need to deal with that - because it's pissing everyone else off," I hissed in a hushed voice, pulling my hand away from his. "I'm gonna go fuck my _boyfriend _and call it a night. I suggest you do the same."

He was silent for a second, seeming to draw back in surprise. "Fair enough," he murmured, letting go of my hand, and I immediately stood to head downstairs.

_One week left, _I thought. _One week._

Jake and I had porn star sex that night - ya know, the kind that takes forever and makes you scream and moan at the top of your lungs so your shitty best friend in the next room can hear it? Yeah, that's the kind we had for two straight hours.

The next morning, I woke up early hoping to find Edward sitting outside smoking a joint in honor of the sunrise. He did not disappoint.

I snuck out onto the deck and nervously met eyes with him. Was he pissed at me? Would he make a scene? Would he even talk to me?

"Hey," he whispered.

"Hey yourself," I replied, slinking over to the spot on the swing next to him. I casually sat and crossed my legs in front of me. "How was your night?" I teased, trying really hard not to crack a smile.

"Considerably more miserable than yours," he joked, poking me in the ribs. "You're an evil little bitch, you know that? You woke Tanya up, and then she wanted to sit there until four am talking about why we didn't have sex like that anymore and if that was the reason I was breaking up with her."

I started laughing hysterically. "You're gonna give her a complex, you know that? You're torturing her."

"Torturing her?"

"Telling her 'We're going to break up' is _way _worse than just doing it. _Going to _means in the future, a nonexistent time and place relative to the now. Girls don't get that shit."

"Wow," he exclaimed. "Girls are so confusing."

"See, you think you're giving her time to get used to the idea, to slowly detach herself from you. But all you've really done is shattered her heart, and you keep ripping that scab open everytime you fuck her, or kiss her, or say you love her," I elaborated.

Edward was quiet for a moment and looked back to the sunrise, some deep realization finally hitting him. "By golly, Watson. I do believe you're right."

"Why thank you, Holmes." I giggled and leaned my head on his shoulder, yanking the joint from between his lips.

"Is that why you're going to Stanford early? So you won't have to be plagued with the _huge_ loss that is Jacob Black?" He was taunting me.

So, I punched him in the stomach playfully. "No, I just wanna be ahead of the game, ya know? I wanna get some credits done and get some good grades on the record before I '_find myself'_ in college." I took a drag of the joint and handed it back to him, coughing like a pansy as the smoke came back up. Unless you're a regular smoker, hitting weed sucks. Getting high is awesome, don't get me wrong, but the act of smoking is torturous.

Edward laughed and nodded in agreement. "Fair enough."

"You should come too," I suggested. "Come early. Do some summer school."

"No, thanks," he murmured. "Coming early is never a good idea."

I hit him again. "Sicko. I didn't mean it like that. And you know it'll be fun."

"Do you have any idea what Tanya would do if I left early?"

"Do you really care that much? She's not gonna kill you."

"She'd rip off my balls and mount them to her wall," he teased with a completely serious face.

"I doubt it. She'd be upset - yes. But she's going to anyway. Why not rip off the bandaid already?"

He shot a crooked smile my way and pulled me tighter into his chest. "You just want me all to yourself already, don't you?"

"Don't get it twisted, senor. You should think about getting some good grades on record, too. I see you wandering astray in college, _'finding yourself'_ in a dangerous way."

Edward laughed and handed the joint back to me. "You say that, but I bet I clean up your puke before you clean up mine."

"Uh oh, another bet?" I stuck out my free hand and chuckled. "You're on." We shook on it. "Wait, wait, what are the terms? What are we betting this time?"

"If I win, if I do in fact clean up your puke first, you have to give me a sexy lap dance," he suggested. "Obviously not the same night, but, ya' know, once you clean yourself up."

"No." I laughed and shook my head. "Absolutely not."

"And," he continued, having completely ignored my rejection. "You have to enjoy it."

"And if I win, you have to do the same thing."

"Hm, very tempting, Swan," he started to say.

"And, you have to wear a dress."

Edward laughed and took my hand in his, shaking it firmly. My skin tingled from his touch. "You're on. Deal."

_**June 15, 2005:**_

Jake leaving was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to endure. I cried. He cried. It was a sopping mess. Without Alice, Tanya and Rose there to pull me out of bed everyday, I'm not sure I would have been packed and ready to go by the time I had to head to Stanford. Everytime I thought about Jake or saw something in my room that reminded me of him, I slumped wherever I was and started bawling. Losing Jake was like losing half of my heart.

I clutched the pendant he'd given me and read the inscription on the back a million times since he'd been gone, which was a total ten days now. It was rough without him here to cheer me up, and even more rough once I was the odd man out. Now, there were seven of us and whenever we went out to do things, I was the only one without a significant other.

My whole life packed into the back of my Tundra, I hugged Tanya, Alice and Rose out in front of my house and whispered goodbye. Everyone cried. It was hard to accept that our family was literally being ripped apart again. As much as I knew better, they swore that nothing would change between us - that we'd always be as close as we were in that moment. I struggled to agree with them.

Jasper gave me a gentle hug and Emmett wrapped his arms around me so tight, he lifted me into the air and spun around in a circle.

I'd waited all morning for Edward. And he didn't show. He knew this was the day I was leaving, he knew he wouldn't see me again for two months, where in the hell was he?

It was over, I couldn't wait any longer. I hopped into the passenger side of my truck and Charlie started the engine.

"You ready to go, Bells?" he muttered.

Sniffing back a sob, I solemnly nodded and he put the Tundra in drive. I waved goodbye through the window and we took off. It was over. High school, my family, my friendships, they were all officially over.

We'd almost made it out of the neighborhood before a silver Volvo came barrelling towards us, braking only a few feet from the front of my truck.

"Bella!" Edward yelled as he jumped out of the driver's seat.

"Christ, Cullen! What the hell's the matter with you, son?" my dad yelled out the window.

"Dad, chill out. I'll take care of this," I murmured before unbuckling my seat belt and climbing out as well. I charged towards him and shoved him pretty hard on the chest, pushing him back a few steps. "Edward! What the shit is wrong with you? You could have gotten us in an accident."

"I couldn't let you go without saying goodbye," he sputtered.

"Well, goodbye," I snarled. But then I remembered that this was Edward, and I was going to miss him terribly. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him into me. "You know, I was waiting for you - over there - with the others," I explained with a hint of disappointment in my voice.

"I know - I just - uhh -" Edward rubbed his hands down my back. "I tried to get here as fast as I could. But, you probably have to go. So, I'll see you in a few months."

I couldn't help but notice how horrible he smelled, like old sex and cigarette smoke and last night's beer. "You reek," I murmured. "Take a shower before you see Tanya."

"Thanks for the heads up."

"Were you out fucking around last night?"

He wrapped his arms a little tighter around me, taking a deep sigh before deciding to break away. "You know me too well, mi amore. Be careful getting there." He gave me a tender kiss on the cheek and turned to hop back into his Volvo. I waved and got back into the truck, glancing up to meet Charlie's astounded glare.

"What was that all about?" he asked, hiding a teasing tone at the back of his voice. He put the car into drive and swerved around Edward.

"Nothing," I dishonestly answered. It was absolutely everything to me, it was the exact definition of our relationship - painful and dripping in teenage angst.

"Bella, I just watched something that looked like it should be in a premiere of one of those _Lifetime_ movies. You screwing around on Jake?"

"Dad! No," I exclaimed. "No, I'm not screwing around on Jake."

"Alright," he muttered, turning to stare out the window again.

That was my dad. Protective, loyal, and a man of his own thoughts. It was one of the things I loved about him - not a big talker. It made things easy. Instead of pestering me for hours about my relationship with Edward like my mother would, my father simply took me at my word and figured I'd tell him later if I thought it was important enough.

"Everything alright with you and Jake?"

I choked a sob at the back of my throat. "As far as I know. He's on the other side of the country, so -"

"Did you guys break up or something before he left?"

"No," I whispered.

"So you're still together?"

"I don't know. We never really talked about it." My heart was clenching inside my chest just thinking about it. At this point, I was terribly upset and I missed him so much, it literally tore me apart on the inside. I needed a fresh start. "We were going to. But we never did. The last week he was here went by so fast - I guess we forgot."

"So what's gonna happen if you go to college and you meet someone else?"

I shook my head and turned on the radio. "I don't really wanna talk about Jake, if that's okay."

"Okay," he conceded and looked away from me.

The whole trip down there took two days, with an overnight stay in Medford, Oregon. We finally got there, checked into my dorm room and unloaded. My dad stayed for one more night just to make sure I was tucked in and really ready for him to leave, and then I dropped him off at the airport.

Saying goodbye to him was terribly hard. He was like my last little piece of home, and he was about to get on a flight and leave me all alone in an big, scary city. As I gave him a hug, I felt him tremble in my arms.

"I'm so proud of you, Bells," he muttered, choking a little.

"Aww, Dad," I whispered. "Just promise me you'll eat - alright? And frozen dinners don't count. I'm talking vegetables and meat from the farmer's market."

He laughed, gave me a kiss on the head and turned to head through security. I waved goodbye, threw my shades over my eyes and drove back to my dorm to unpack.

The next day I went through Freshmen orientation and took a tour of San Francisco on one of those tourist buses. The city was beautiful. I loved the view from the very top of the hills and, the weather, God, it was great.

_**July 13, 2005**_

I came to realize it was always beautiful there. It was 70 and sunny everyday and the people were so nice and polite. Everything about it was incredibly welcoming. Then the loneliness set in. I'd get up, go to class, come back, do homework, heat up a bowl of insta-mac and watch the 'Golden Girls' until I fell asleep. This had become my routine. Occasionally, I'd hit the gym or go to the mess hall. But it was rare that I didn't have a ton of homework to do and that kept me in more often than not.

Most of the time, I thought about Jake - I wondered what he was doing, where he was, if he was getting the shit beat out of him in Boot Camp. I also wondered when he would call me and where'd I be when he ultimately did. I'd call his cellphone just to hear the voicemail. I'd play it over and over. He voice was so comforting, seeming to settle the sickening feeling deep in my gut.

I also thought about Edward - thought about why he hadn't called me either. In fact, the only people who had called me were Rose and Alice. I talked to them at least three or four times a week - sometimes together on conference. I missed them maybe most of all.

There were only ten other people from my dorm here on the summer program and all of them were one hundred percent studying one hundred percent of the time - with the exception of the fiery redhead down the hall from me, whose name I'd come to learn was Victoria.

We didn't even speak to each other for the first six weeks. After I'd taken my first round of tests and scored considerably well, I might add, I decided I was heading out on the town. Alice had fashioned me an extremely well made fake ID before I left, and even if I just went out and came home alone, at least I could say I celebrated.

The fake ID worked. I got in without a second glance.

Three beers into the night, Victoria, seeming to come from out of nowhere, plopped down into the barstool next to me. I knew she was from my dorm, and that meant that she knew I was a Freshmen - and that I shouldn't be here. Would she say anything? Would she rat me out?

"Bella, right?" she greeted.

"That's right," I answered.

"Victoria." She stuck out her hand.

I shook it, of course. No reason not to be friendly.

"You live in my dorm, right down the hall," Victoria commented.

"Yeah."

"So, what brings you out tonight?"

"Celebrating. I just aced all my final exams," I explained, taking a nervous sip of my beer.

"Celebrating, huh? Alone?"

"I'm not from around here. I don't really know anybody."

"Hmph," she hummed. "Whatcha drinking?"

"Sam Adams Summer Ale. What about you?"

She raised an eyebrow, gave me a gentle smile and gestured to some people over in the corner. "James, Laurent, Garrett. Come here!"

Three gorgeous guys stood and started walking towards us. "Bella, this is my fiancee, James. That scary looking thing is Laurent. And the guy in the shades is Garrett. Guys, this is Bella. She's in my dorm."

James was beautiful, standing at least six feet with sandy blonde hair and sky-blue eyes. Laurent - the scary looking thing - only looked scary because of the three feet long dreadlocks growing out of his head like giant worms and his fierce, startling purple eyes. They were actually a really beautiful shade of violet when you got a good look at them, but at first glance, they took you off guard. And Garrett had dark, short hair and the cutest damn smile in the world with these adorable dimples. He reminded me of a young, brunette Brad Pitt, which was not exactly a bad thing, if you ask me.

"Alright, we need shots. Lemon drops, schnapps and a swirly turtle for the newbie," Victoria shouted at the bartender.

"A swirly turtle?" I asked.

"Mountain Dew, Red Bull, and Jager. I hope you planned on puking tonight," Garrett explained with a laugh, taking the stool to my right.

Half way into the night, I'd finally worked up the balls to ask him what the shades were all about.

"I got into a horrible accident when I was little and my eyes are all fucked up. People stare," he muttered in a completely serious tone.

"Really?" I involuntarily responded. "Gosh, I'm so sorry."

"No, I'm just really, really high," he answered truthfully with a laugh.

I chuckled and placed my finger on his nose, tilting the aviators down to get a glimpse of his pupils. They were incredibly bloodshot, but I could see his irises and they were a brilliant shade of emerald - the kind that reminded me of freshly cut grass or moss in the forests back home - and _Edward._ "Why, yes. Yes, you are terribly high," I commented. "But you have beautiful eyes so you should stop smoking that shit so you can go out in public and show them off."

"Don't let him fool you, Bella. This mother fucka' stays high, alright? And he's gonna start working on his Masters Degree next year," Laurent teased. "See, me, if I puff on that shit, I'm stuck on stupid like I Am Sam. This fucker gets high, then writes a fucking masterpiece."

"You're a writer?" I involuntarily blurted.

"Occasionally," Garrett said humbly.

"Please. He writes stories that would make your toes curl," Laurent added. "But, I bid you adieu, breeders. I'm off to Sway." Laurent gave Victoria a hug, said it was nice to have met me and left.

"What's Sway?" I whispered to Garrett once he'd gone.

"Gay bar down the street."

"Oh -" I hummed. "Is Laurent -"

Garrett started laughing. "What? You couldn't tell?"

"He's loud and proud, and doesn't give a shit," Victoria answered. "Alright, more shots!" she commanded to the bartender.

A little later in the night, James and Garrett stepped outside to have a cigarette so Victoria scooted into the seat next to me. "How are you liking Palo Alto so far?"

"It's wonderful. It rains all the time in Forks, so the sun is great."

"Yeah, I moved here from Bumblefuck, Illinois five years ago. And now look at me!" Victoria mused. "California does wonderful things to people."

"Don't take this the wrong way, I'm having a great time, but -" I sighed and took another sip of my beer. "Why'd you come over to say hi? I was expecting to just sit here alone all night."

"Eh." Victoria shrugged. "I've seen you around, thought you looked like a nice girl."

"Well, thank you."

"Besides - I'm your RA. I'm supposed to show you the ropes," she explained - and I almost choked on my beer.

"So you know -"

"That you're not supposed to be here? Of course, but you just aced your finals - that's quite a feat, considering I got straight C's on all of mine first semester," she said with a laugh.

"Thanks for not blowing my cover."

"It's all good, Fresh." She took a drink of her vodka/cranberry and smiled. "So, what's your major?"

"I haven't exactly picked one yet."

"Well, don't wait too long. These Stanford pricks want you in a school by midterm sophomore year."

"Yeah, that's what they told me. I have no idea. At first, I was thinking English - but I know the Business school here is really good, so maybe that's what I'll do instead."

"Hmm - I can definitely see you hunched over your computer writing the next Harry Potter series. You should stick with English," she started. "I can't see you being the cold hearted bitch that you'd need to be in order to make it in the business world."

"Well, what's your major?" I interjected.

She gave me a gentle smile and winked. "Business slash marketing."

"Are you telling me you're a cold hearted bitch?"

"As cold hearted as they come. Consider yourself warned."

"See, now I can't see that. You were nice enough to come over to a complete stranger, whom you knew was here alone - and underage - and assimilate her into your group."

"Hey, I didn't say you were assimilated," she taunted.

"I'm hard to get rid of. You'll want me to stick around. Consider yourself warned."

"Are you saying I'm going to fall in love with you?" she joked.

"I'm saying you already have," I snorted with a laugh. "You're stuck with me, you just don't know it yet."

She chuckled and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Aw shit. What'd I get myself into?"

James and Garrett came back and suggested we head to this swank little club down the street, but I was already exhausted and didn't want to push my limits with the fake ID. We walked outside and they started to head left, I started right.

"Hey, thanks for tonight, guys. I had a great time." I took a step backwards and stumbled on my heel a little. I had to admit, I was a little tipsy - perhaps too tipsy to walk home. I considered calling a cab, but I could imagine the driver getting pissed at the short ride or the cab company literally laughing at me on the other end when I told them where I was headed. It was really like ten blocks. I used to walk five miles to school every day -_ in the snow - uphill both ways._

I snorted a laugh to myself at my drunken thoughts.

"You alright, Fresh?" Victoria asked, giving me a hug in farewell.

I gave her the thumbs up and turned to leave.

"Hey, I'll catch up with you guys. I'm gonna walk her home," Garrett murmured, suddenly at my side with just a few short strides. "Alright, Fresh. You got my attention, now tell me where you're from?"

I laughed and started trying to dig my room keys out of my purse. "Washington," I slurred in response.

_Man, _I thought. _I'm a little drunker than I thought._

"DC?" he asked with surprise. "How the hell did you end up here?"

"No, Washington State. Forks - to be exact," I answered with a giggle and a quiet hiccup.

"Forks?" he said in disbelief.

I nodded.

"Well, well, well. What a coincidence. I'm from Spoons."

"Really?" I retorted, totally believing him.

"Absolutely not. I'm more of a drifter, really," he answered seriously, flashing me a brilliant white smile. "So, you're here alone, then?"

"Yeah," I answered slowly. "You're not gonna rape me or anything, are you?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "No, I don't think so. You're not gonna rape me, are you?"

"I'm still debating it," I said too quickly. It was the first thing that came to mind. Of course, I wasn't planning on taking him home, I was still pining for - well - I had started not saying his name because it hurt too bad. It'd been six weeks now, and not so much as a letter. I'd given Billy my new address so that he could give it to Jake if he talked to him, but so far - it was like Jake had simply forgotten about me. But Billy assured me that this was what happened in the Marines, that Jake would have time to call soon. I just had to be patient.

I found that incredibly hard to do with dimples standing a few feet away.

"Hm, well, let me know what you decide. Then, I'll know whether I should be scared or not."

"Please - I'd be the best you ever had," I taunted, turning the corner at the end of the block to head back to the college.

He laughed and pulled his shades on top of his head, finally allowing me a look at his entire face for the first time tonight. "You intrigue me, Fresh."

"Oh yeah?" I chuckled. "Why's that?"

"Well, you got into Stanford, which tells me one of two things. You're either incredibly intelligent, or your family's incredibly rich. Then, you tell me you're from a small town in Washington state, so I have to assume it's the first option. But, and here's the part that I love the most, you go out to a bar in the middle of Palo Alto all alone, dressed in a sexy little black number and heels. Haven't you heard anything about the crime rate on this side of town?"

I laughed, tried to hide a hiccup and shook my head. "You know I'm from a small town in the middle of the woods, so you must also assume that I know how to hunt, that I have gone hunting before, and probably have parents who are both members of the NRA - perhaps I am too. So you must also assume that I have some form of firearm on me - at all times," I elaborated with a drunken giggle. When he took me seriously, I nudged him playfully in the ribs and winked. "Or you can just stop assuming altogether."

"Okay, you've got a point." A few steps later, he cleared his throat and changed the subject. "So what was up with that beautiful eyes comment? Were you trying to seduce me?"

"No," I answered candidly. "Unless you're into that sort of thing. You do have pretty eyes, though. They remind me of someone."

"Ya know, I just have one of those faces. I remind everyone of someone else. Who do I remind you of?"

"A boy from back home."

"Boy with pretty green eyes, huh?" Garrett chuckled. "This boy have a name?"

"He does."

After I didn't answer his question fully, Garrett threw his hands up in the air mockingly. "You gonna keep me hanging in suspense or should I just start guessing?"

"Dante," I snorted.

"Dante?" Garrett asked with disbelief. "Is he Italian?"

I mulled it around in my head. "Sure."

"An Italian with green eyes?"

I giggled and shrugged, deciding not to go into it any further. Before I knew it, we had already reached the front door of my dorm building. "I don't really have a gun on me, by the way," I finally admitted. "I was just joking."

"I figured as much," he responded.

"And you were right," I continued. "I should have been a little smarter about going out alone."

"It was my excuse to walk you home."

"Well, thank you." I went to stick out my hand to shake his. "Have a good time at the club."

He grinned, flashed those cute dimples at me, and rubbed his hands over his thick, brown hair. "You're really not gonna invite me up?"

"I decided not to rape you tonight. Maybe tomorrow," I teased

He took a step closer to me and ran his knuckles down the side of my cheek, eyeing me like he would lean in and kiss me any second. The biggest thing I noticed was that it didn't feel like it did when Edward did that to me. This just felt like skin to skin contact, igniting nothing inside of me, absolutely nothing like fire, nothing like electrical current.

"You should know -" I started, glancing to the ground. "I do have a boyfriend."

"Would this be the infamous green eyed Italian Dante?"

"No," I whispered.

"So there's_ another _boy from back home. Wow, what a little cock tease you must be."

I couldn't help but chuckle in response, but then I realized what he said, and I shoved him. "Hey!" I smirked.

"And just where is this boyfriend?"

"In South Carolina," I admitted. "He's a Marine."

"Hm," Garrett said, glancing around absently. "Since we're in the sharing mood, you should know that I don't typically date Freshmen. Too much drama," he confessed.

"Well, we're a terrible match, then," I reasoned.

Garrett winked and gave me a small nod, taking a step back. "Come find me when you lose the Marine."

"Come find me when I'm not a Freshmen anymore."

"Deal," Garrett gave me a small kiss on the cheek and turned to walk away.

I rolled my eyes, let out a loud laugh and let myself into my dorm. What was my life coming to?

I was happy I'd finally met Victoria, and I meant what I said earlier. She couldn't get rid of me now, we got along too well. I liked James and Laurent too. Garrett was - well - he certainly got my pulse racing, but like I said. We were a terrible match. He didn't like Freshmen, I had a boyfriend.

But I'd keep that option open if need be. Who knew what was going to happen in the future? It looked like I had the start of a new family, and while I missed my old one and they would always hold a special place in my heart, I was getting terribly excited about this new Bella, this new life - La Vita Nuova.

_**A/N:**** Hey guys! That's right - I went there - Garrett! YUM! For an idea of who I had in mind as Garrett, check out my blog. The link is on my profile. I've made a pretty cool banner - or at least, I think it's pretty cool. It might be shit. Anyway, you know the drill. Let me know what you think. **_


	6. July 30 & August 27, 2005

_**July 30, 2005:**_

_Hey Babe,_

_I'm sorry I couldn't write sooner. Apparently, free time is something earned around here, and I didn't have the privilege until recently, when I passed my first round of exams._

_I miss you so fucking much. South Carolina sucks. It's hot as hell most of the time and the mosquitoes are the size of some of the houses back home. I may come back with Malaria, so you should look into getting vaccinated._

_The tests are harder than I thought they'd be. I wish you were here to tutor me. You're so smart; you'd get through all of this bullshit in a heartbeat. _

_So how are you? How's California? You should know that I had a dream about you last night. I'll tell you all about it when I call, which should be any day now. Promise to answer?_

_How's Edward? Do me a solid, keep an eye on him. That boy drinks too much. He makes me worry._

_Have you heard from Rose and Emmett? I wonder how they're making out in Maryland. That's not too far away from where I am. I might meet up with them when I get some leave._

_Well, I don't want to drone on and bore the hell of you, so I'll just say goodbye for now. I'd tell you how much I love you, but I don't think you need any reminder._

_I'll be thinking of you,_

_Jake._

_PS: My address is on the front of the envelope. Write me all the time — tell me everything. I miss you._

I almost couldn't believe it.

Finally!

A letter from Jake.

I managed to make it all the way up to the eighth floor before breaking down and crying next to my bed. I missed him so much, it literally hurt. There was this aching inside my chest that throbbed anytime I thought about him.

Losing him was like losing half of myself. He had been there for me through everything in my life. He was my first boyfriend, my first relationship. I once read somewhere that the first boyfriend is always so hard to get over because it's the one person who gets all of you, unconditionally and completely. You don't know to keep yourself locked away, you don't know this person is about to break your world in two, you just have this idea of _first love_ and _true love, _and you want this person to be it. But, in most cases, they do break your heart, and they take all that you are, all that you gave them, and walk away with it. That's why you can never reach that feeling of connectivity with any other person after. You're never able to give yourself wholly again, because you've learned better.

I don't know whether I believe that or not, (probably not), but it would suffice to say that if Jake broke up with me out of the blue, I'd be devastated. I can only imagine it would be the same for him. Maybe the old saying was right. Absence really did make the heart grow fonder.

I missed him in more ways than one.

Since he'd been gone, I hadn't even so much as masturbated.

I'm not sure what that was all about, and even to this day, I pretend like I was saving myself for him. Perhaps I thought it would make our reunion that much sweeter, or perhaps I fancied myself a sympathetic martyr, determined to put myself through the same trials and tribulations as the love of my life.

In any case, it had turned me into a monster. I had troubles sleeping at night. Just last week, this absolutely gorgeous boy walked into my English Comp class and I almost turned into one of those lionesses you see on Discovery Channel. I imagined pouncing across the room, pinning him down to a desk and demanding he get hard and fuck me.

I was only brought back to reality by the teacher's aid, who announced my last name in order to take role.

Caught red handed, staring at the resident English hottie. Shame on me.

Come to think of it, the English hottie had those emerald eyes that seemed to capture anyone they looked upon. _Very familiar _green eyes.

Perhaps I missed Edward most of all. Next to Jake, he was the closest thing I had to a best friend. Sure, Rose was cool, and Victoria and I were getting pretty close - but Edward knew the most about me, maybe even more than Jake. That summer that everyone went away when we were nine, we got really comfortable. We were together all day, up until dinner, then he'd sneak into my room at night and sleep on the floor. It was weird when the rest of the group came back, like we'd had this secret adventure while they were gone. They were outsiders to us. They didn't understand the new jokes we'd learned or the games we'd started to play.

If he were here right now, he'd drag my ass out of this incredibly tiny dorm room and show me a good time. We'd laugh, we'd flirt, we'd light each other's skin on fire.

_What the hell is that? _I thought.

It was strange how my skin reacted when he touched me. It tormented me. Hell, the first night I'd met Garrett, I'd immediately noticed how his touch didn't feel a thing like Edward's. In fact, I hadn't even thought about Jake at all. When I remembered this, I looked it up on Google. Apparently, I'm not a freak and this actually happens when endorphins go crazy in your head and shoot down your central nervous system, making your skin literally crawl like you were on heroin - or something. Go figure.

When I got myself together and stopped thinking about Edward, I trailed my sappy ass over to my desk and forced myself to write a cheerful, thoughtful letter to my sexy marine.

_**August 27, 2005**_

Over the next several weeks, Jake and I sent letters back and forth to each other. I got a new letter from him at least every ten days or so, and I tried to write him once a week. I knew he looked forward to hearing from me, and each one I wrote made his day ten times better.

As I predicted, Victoria and I grew very close, very fast. We shared the same twisted outlook on life, the same sick sense of humor. On this particular day, we were sitting on a bench outside a creamery down the street from school.

She licked her ice cream cone and pulled her sunglasses over her head. "So I said to James, 'why don't we move in together next year? This RA bullshit is for the bees —" she mused, swallowing her chocolate chocolate chip in one big gulp. "And you know what he said to me?"

"It's for the birds," I corrected.

"What?" Her face scrunched in confusion. "No. He said -"

"I think the expression is —for the birds. Bees actually work really hard," I explained.

"Whatever," she snapped. "James told me he had to think about it. Can you believe that shit?"

I tried to look shocked. In my few short months of being here, James had never really been particularly nice to me or even really acknowledged me, to be honest. Victoria said it was because he was shy, but I'd seen him get all too friendly with some girls at the bar, so that couldn't have been it. I just thought he was a dick, and that was a perfectly good enough explanation for me. "Wow," I murmured. "Really?"

"Bella!" she whined. "You could at least pretend to think this is horrific."

I dropped my jaw and threw my hands into the air. "Like, Oh My Gawd, Victoria. You need to kick him to the curb, girlfriend."

She laughed and nodded her head in approval. "That'll do, pig. Thanks for entertaining me."

I chuckled in response.

"Oh shit, check out that guy over there —" She giggled and pointed to some man jogging by wearing purple, latex gym shorts. She snorted a laugh and shook her head. "What? Do you think that's like some hulk-esque display of manhood? 'Hey ladies, check out my extremely small package,'" she mocked, using a deep, comical tone.

I cracked up. "Maybe he's just really — hot," I suggested.

"It's never hot enough to come out of your house looking like that," she teased, taking another bite of her ice cream. "And look at that tacky dress over there," she said. "What is it? Look like a hobo day?"

I followed her line of sight, only to realize that the girl wearing said tacky dress was none other than Tanya Reynolds standing across the street. And wrapped around her was my secret sharing pal, Edward.

"Oh Shit!" I shouted, literally jumping out of my seat. I took off across four lanes of traffic and raced after them.

"Edward! Tanya!" I yelled over top the crowd between us.

Edward's head snapped in my direction. He met eyes with me and, suddenly, his entire face lit up. And he just took off, ducking and jumping over people to make his way to me. "Bella!" he yelled. He threw his arms around me and lifted my torso into the air with an enormous hug, one that was immediately interrupted by Tanya.

"Hey, Bella!" she yelled.

I broke from Edward and threw my arms around her, giving her just as big of a display of emotion. Couldn't drop the show, even then.

She lightly hugged back and stepped away, immediately squeezing her hand into Edward's. I couldn't help but think about that fight at senior week. He may have won that battle, but she'd clearly won the war.

"You were supposed to call me when you got here, punk," I teased, punching him in the arm playfully.

"We just got here two days ago," Edward explained. "I would have called but —"

"But we've been busy unpacking," Tanya interjected.

"Where are you guys staying?"

"Well, Edward's at the dorms," she explained, wrapping her arm tighter around Edwards. "And I'm at a hotel until I find something more permanent."

I nodded.

"Hey Bella," Victoria shouted from behind us. "Next time you decide to run across four lanes of traffic, remember your purse, huh?"

She thrust my bag into my arms and looked up at my friends from home.

"Hi," she greeted. "I'm Victoria." She stuck out her hand to Tanya first, who lightly took it and gave it a small shake.

"Tanya," she murmured softly.

"I don't bite, sweetheart," Victoria teased. "— at least not hard." She shot her a wink and laughed, looking over to Edward, who chuckled at her joke and stuck his hand out in response. "Edward," he said. "We're Bella's friends from home."

"Edward, huh? Heard a lot about you," Victoria retorted, looking back over to Tanya. "Not much about you, though."

Tanya grinned nervously, eyes flitting up to Edward. "We're gonna be late for our movie. So we should probably go," she sputtered.

"Yeah, okay," Edward said. He threw his arms around me and whispered goodbye before taking off with Tanya down the street.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Victoria turned to me and laughed. "_That_ was Edward?"

"Yeah, that was Edward," I snapped.

She only chuckled harder. "My, my. Do you have some competition, huh? She's dug into him like a tick."

I rolled my eyes and headed back in the direction of the dorms. "I'm not trying to compete with her. She already has him — no contest."

Victoria shook her head. "She's all into him, that much is true. But he's very much over that shit. Did you even see the way he looked at you? I can guarantee she did. He's definitely all about you, and she knows it."

I shook my head and sighed. "He's all about himself."

"Most men are. But I'd bet you're a close second."

"You should break it off with him," I suddenly said, attempting to distract her from my troubles.

"Who?"

"James," I said.

"Oh. Really? You think so?" she whined.

"Tell him to shit or get off the pot. It's time."

She laughed harder. "I think I'm gonna tell him you said that."

"Good," I retorted. "You should."

When we got back to the dorms, she said she'd see me later and headed off to her room. So I headed back to mine.

_Surprise!_

Angela had arrived. I instantly jumped in the air and ran over to her, throwing my arms around her waist joyfully. She was just as excited to see me as well. As she unpacked, she told me about the rest of her summer and how her and Jessica had met these hot guys in Seattle, but they were from Texas so it was just like a three day fling.

I was a little impressed. I had never pictured Angela as one of those girls who "just met up" with guys and had "three day flings". We were definitely going to have fun this year.

"So, I ran into Edward," I said. "He was here with Tanya."

Angela seemed confused at first. "Wait. Did she get into Stanford, too?"

"Um — no," I elaborated with a shake my head. "She just came down with him."

"Ugh," she groaned. "I hate that. How long have they been together now, like ten years or something?"

"Fourteen."

"They've been together since they were four?" Angela gasped in disbelief.

I raised an indignant eyebrow, as if to say, _"Really?" _

"Wow. That's a little sad."

"Look, Ang - I should tell you something about Edward and me -" I started.

But before I could continue, there was a quick knock at the door. Shrugging, I stood and walked over to open it, not totally surprised by the person on the other side.

"I knew you couldn't stay away for long," I mused, taking a step to the side so Edward could enter.

"Down the hall, last door on the left," he quickly said, taking a few steps inside and looking around. "Hello, Angela."

She laughed awkwardly and pushed her hair behind her ears. "Hi, Edward," she answered with a small wave.

"You're on our floor?" I interrupted.

"On the boy's side, of course. Right down the hall."

"Awesome," I added, looking down the corridor.

"Did you meet your roommate yet?" Angela asked, folding a few tee shirts and shoving them in her drawers.

"Yeah, his name is Ben. He seems pretty cool. Total nerd, if you ask me," Edward teased, propping his arm against my computer table. "So, what are you doing tonight?"

"Homework," I said with a groan.

"No, you're not," he protested. "You're going out with me."

"No, I'm not," I continued. "You remember final exams, right? Essays? Term Papers? What smart people generally do to get through college? I know some people think all there is to it is an alcohol addiction and this rather disturbing desire to get laid, but now that I'm actually here, at Ivy League, I'm pretty sure there's more to it than that."

Edward laughed and nodded his head understandingly. "So you're saying that I can't make it through Ivy League just by getting the teachers drunk and fucking the shit out of them?" he mocked.

"I'm sure you probably could," I played along. "But I'm saying it's probably not in your best interest."

"Your witty, yet keen sense of sarcasm was something I've terribly missed," Edward started. "So you need to come out with me tonight so I can make up for lost time."

"Ah - I wish I could, but - I gotta get this paper done by Monday. It's the last thing I have to do before the new semester starts."

"Then you have all day tomorrow to do it. It's Saturday night and you haven't seen me in months," he whined.

"I don't know, man," I countered. "Tanya's in town. She already hates me. I don't need to be adding gas to that fire."

"She only hates you because she thinks we're fucking," he explained, shooting me that crooked smile.

"Yeah, and going out alone together won't exactly look right. You should go spend some time with her. Call her, break up with her, fuck her, I don't care. Just go away now."

"Alone? Who said anything about going alone?" Edward took a few steps towards Angela and laughed. "Angela wants to go out with us, too, isn't that right?" He threw an arm around her neck and pulled her in close to his chest.

"You don't have too, Ang. He's just an ass -" I argued.

But she just smiled and shrugged awkwardly. "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"See? You're the only pooper in this party, babe," he joked, wagging his eyebrows at me.

"Angela, you should know that one night of drinking with this cat will only end up in one of two places: the hospital or the cold side of the bed. Either way, you'll be puking your guts up by noon."

"Ouch!" Edward playfully replied but then turned to Angela and nodded. "But seriously, that's probably true. Which is why -" Edward looked at me and smiled. "- Bella should come with us. Someone needs to be the mature, confident adult and teach us youngsters how it's done. I'll ask Ben if he wants to go, too." Edward shot me a wink and headed toward the door. "Half an hour, okay?"

"I can't go. I'm sorry," I pleaded. "Tomorrow night, I promise."

"But tomorrow night, I'm going to be going to bed early," he said. "Lots of teachers to screw bright and early on Monday morning. Besides, you've missed me, too. You damn near got ran over when you saw me on the street today."

I groaned and rolled my eyes.

_Alright. _

He had me. I'd missed him - alot. I missed everything about him; his infectious laugh, and the way his "I'm-embarrassed" smile pulled a little more to the left than the right. I'd missed that bronze mop of hair on his head, which he probably hadn't even brushed since the last time I saw him, and the way he smelled, like Chlorine mixed with cologne and mint and manliness.

Just to bring myself back to Earth, I reached out and touched his hand - sending that buzz of energy up my arm and down my spine.

"You in?" Edward smirked.

"How many times do I have to tell you?" I snorted. "I can't."

Forty five minutes later, I found myself walking into _Benny's,_ despite the valiant yet futile effort to protest and do my homework instead. This was also the bar where I'd initially met Victoria and Garrett. Since that time, I'd gotten to know all of the bartenders on a first name basis, and they'd gotten to know that my ID was a fake. But I never got sloppy and I never started trouble, so they figured my money was as good as anyone who was born just three short years earlier.

Sasha, the cute blonde that worked Friday and Saturday nights, eyed me suspiciously on the way in and perked an eyebrow. I knew they didn't care about my ID, but who knew what they'd think of my bringing three other youngin's with me? I hadn't exactly thought it out that far.

When I went up to order four miller lights, she smiled and shook her head. "I'm not believing for one second that the chick with the glasses is over twenty one."

"Don't play, Sasha," I smirked. "I can vouch for her."

"Uh huh," she teased. "And if I get locked up for contributing to the delinquency of the overprivileged American youth, I'm calling you every five minutes until you come bail my ass out. I hope moms and pops are rich."

"What makes you think that I won't be in the cell right next to you if this place gets raided?"

She laughed and nodded in agreement. "Okay, listen. No trouble and no sluttiness - on the part of copper-top over there," she chided, pointing towards my crowd.

"Copper-top?"

"Yeah, that six foot drink of water you walked in with. Man-slut. I have a sixth sense for those kinds of things."

"No, he's not. He's my best friend from home. That's Edward."

"Ohhhh -" she hummed in a tone that meant she knew exactly who I was talking about. I must have mentioned him to her a million times by now. "Aw," she continued. "It's a baby man-slut. Maybe you should introduce us."

"You'd eat him alive," I joked. "Besides, he's got a girlfriend."

"You small town folk and your _friends._ Whatever happened to just having fuck buddies?"

"They get STD's," I mocked.

"Hah, hah." She rolled her eyes and looked back to me. "I'm serious, though. That's my rule. Don't bring your troubles here. He starts any shit, and we're done."

I squinted my eyes and nodded.

"You, on the other hand," she joked, "can be as slutty as you want."

"Alright, enough day dreaming. Four beers please."

"I'm serious, baby doll. I'm gonna get your tight little ass shaking on the top of this bar one day," she teased, whimsically slapping the top of the bar with a laugh. After I rolled my eyes at her, she shot me a wink and grabbed a few glasses that were hanging over top. As she was pouring them from the tap, she looked back up at me and smiled devilishly. "Speaking of trouble, when you gonna get to know my boy, Garrett?"

"You too, huh?" I groaned.

"Victoria put me up to it," she admitted. "He's a cutie. You should hit that."

"Hit that?" I exclaimed with a laugh. "Sasha, where have you been? Don't you know I'm saving myself -"

"For the Marine. I _know," _she whined. "But Garrett's just so gorgeous. And funny - the man cracks me up. You know, his hair's really blond, like mine. He dyes it brown."

I quirked an eyebrow and hummed. "Why do you think he does that?"

"I don't know. I think it makes him look more - debonair. What do you think?" She came back over and placed four beers in front of me.

"Dunno. Never seen him blond."

"I hear he has a big cock," she muttered with a huge grin.

"You hear? Or you know?"

"Bite your tongue, slut. I've never slept with Garrett - just James. But that was _way _before Victoria."

"Why didn't you sleep with Garrett?"

"Because I'm not a whore, bitch. I have a policy on best friends."

Intrigued, I pressed further. "Oh yeah, and what's that?"

"Fucking a dude's best friend is worse than screwing his brother. They have only their love for each other holding them together. A girl could fuck all of that up. I'm not saying I wasn't tempted. But James and Garrett are too close. I'd feel horrible if I came between that," she explained. And, to a certain degree, I knew exactly what she meant.

Edward hadn't said a word about Jake since he'd been here, and I'm sure that Jake had written to him as well. They were incredibly close. I remember when Carlisle would take his sons on fishing trips when we were little, and they were allowed to bring one friend each. Jake and Jasper went everytime.

I'd feel like the worst scum in the world if I broke that up. Jake and Edward had a love for each other that was different than the others, a deep respect and understanding. No doubt that I was important enough to come between them, and probably would if I continued this fascination with Edward.

Suddenly realizing I was still standing in front of Sasha, I nodded awkwardly and pointed back to my table. "I should get back to my friends."

"Oh." She gave me a silly smile. "I'm so used to you coming in by yourself. Is this on your tab, then?"

"Sure. I'll be back in a bit," I waved goodbye, scooped up my beers, and headed back over to the table.

By the time I'd gotten back to our booth, Edward and Angela had found out that Ben was from Port Angeles, which was only about forty five minutes from Forks. Hopefully, Edward and Ben hit it off, and then we'd have reason to go there more often when we got home.

About an hour later, I realized exactly how well those two were going to get along. They both had a deep seeded and intense love for Dave Matthews Band- whom I felt was a tad overrated. (And still do.) They went on and on about the poetry of his lyrics and their favorite songs and what they would do to get VIP tickets to his concert and blah, blah, blah. The man was talented no doubt, but fancied himself an Eric Clapton or Stevie Ray Vaughn - when really, he was a pop fade whose light was destined to slowly dim like so many others before them. Edward firmly disagreed with me, and seemed a little offended when I said so.

Time would tell on that one.

After Ben admitted to doing just about anything for those tickets, I ordered another round of beers and shots for everyone. It'd be an expensive night at the bar, but I was ready for it. Secretly, I hoped Edward would fall into that generous drunk mode and pay for everything on Daddy Cullen's credit card.

Just when I thought Angela and Ben weren't really hitting it off, (mostly because she had been so quiet) I looked over and realized they had both hit that point where sticking your tongue down someone's throat seemed like the best idea in the world. Edward and I had become awkward annoyances.

"Wanna dance?" I groaned in Edward's direction.

"Sure," he quickly added.

By this time, most of the tables had been moved to the back of the bar to open things up for festivities. There were a few people playing beer pong over in a corner, flip cup in a different one, and dancing going on all around. I pulled Edward to the center of the crowd and started shaking my ass to the beat of the music. They were playing "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," by Big and Rich. Not exactly one of my favorites, but I loved the sexual innuendo, so I danced along anyway.

My head felt a little fuzzy and I knew I had a good buzz going on, so I just moved around and danced and let my hands explore the explosive contact of Edward's skin. It started to get hot, in every way imaginable. The sweat was literally pouring off of me, and when the DJ mixed it up by playing Usher, Edward and I got close - _real _close. He might as well have been dry humping me right out on the dance floor. But it felt wonderful. The surge of energy between us crashed over my hands and ricocheted down my arms. It never failed to stun me and stimulate me in ways difficult to describe. My clit was throbbing for him, begging for his touch.

Just as I was about to close my eyes and relish in everything about this moment, I saw a mass of red hair followed by a crew cut blond hunk of handsome over Edward's left shoulder.

"Oh shit!" I shouted.

"What?" Edward yelled over the music.

"Victoria, James and Garrett are here."

"Is that good?" he responded.

I nodded, grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the crowd that had sort of already adopted me.

"Hey, guys!" I greeted when we got there, throwing my arms around Victoria's neck.

She jumped and turned to face me. "Oh shit, Fresh! I was just about to deck you, running up on a woman like that," she said breathlessly, throwing her arms around me as well.

I hugged James and Garrett, then introduced Edward to everyone.

"I believe we've met," Victoria retorted when Edward reached for her hand. "I can see it was memorable for you. Hey, where'd you stuff your carry on?" she teased, looking around over the crowd.

"Pardon me?" Edward squinted and leaned in a little closer.

"Your carry on? Your girl? The one who followed you down here?"

"Victoria!" I chided, smacking her on the arm a little.

"What? She's a bitch," she snarled, taking a drink of her beer.

"Oh, I uh," Edward started, "left her at the hotel. She's going home soon, anyway."

"Ah, just came to tuck you in, huh? Make sure she marked her territory?" James mused.

"Something like that," Edward retorted.

"So, then what are you doing out with Bella? If your girl's at home, waiting for you?" Garrett interrupted.

"You guys ask a lot of questions," Edward quickly whipped, digging his hands in his pockets.

"Just getting to know you, friend," Garrett explained, taking a sip of his beer and rolling his eyes like Edward was a crazy person. "No need to get defensive."

"Oh yeah? Marking your territory, then?" Edward taunted.

"Bella would be so lucky," Garrett retorted with a laugh.

"Alright, guys." I chided playfully. "That's enough."

After an awkward silence, Garrett suddenly announced, "You know what? I'm gonna go get some air," and shot me a glare as he headed toward the door.

"What was that all about?" I smirked, shaking my head in disbelief.

_Why in the hell did he just take off like that? _

"You know what that was all about," Victoria snorted with a roll of her eyes. "So, when do we get to meet this Marine?"

"Don't know. Probably next semester sometime," I explained, shrugging. I knew where she was heading with this - the whole bringing up Tanya and Jake thing. She despised cheaters - of all kinds - and thought I was a million times better than that. We'd talked about it several times, and she knew exactly what my dilemma was and where I stood on this issue.

"If things last that long," Victoria teased, her lips twisting into a devilish smile.

"Why wouldn't they?"

"If you manage to make it through this semester as an honest woman, you don't think he'll cheat on you while he's on the other side of the country?" Victoria pouted.

"Doubtful. Jake's pretty loyal," I explained.

"You should spend more time with Garrett. I think he'd be good for you," Victoria suggested with a wink.

"Thanks, mom," I mocked, taking a look around. Suddenly, I realized that Edward was gone. "Hey, where'd Edward go?"

"I think he went back to your table or something," James said.

"Great," I groaned. "I'll see ya later."

I turned and took off toward the table where we'd left Angela and Ben. When I'd gotten there, I found a note written on a napkin that said "Went back to the dorms. See ya later. Ang & Ben." But no Edward. So I headed outside.

After I squeezed through the crowd and reached the street, I looked around. No Edward to the right, no Edward across the street. And, finally, there they were, Garrett and Edward sitting on the bench, smoking a joint, right out in public. Here, I'd been all panicked, thinking they were gonna fight or something. Come to find out, even _they_ could bond over something.

"Hey," I greeted, looking suspiciously between the two of them.

"Hey yourself," Edward responded, gesturing to the spot next to him.

"Naw, I'm good," I started. "Hey, did you see this note?"

"Yeah, they went back to the dorm," Edward said, passing the joint back to Garrett. "Wonder what they're doing." He snorted in a childish tone.

"Don't you think we should go after them? Prevent them from doing -"

He interrupted. "Doing what?"

"I dunno - something stupid?"

"Why in the world would you wanna do a thing like that? See," Edward turned toward Garrett and sighed, pointing back at me. "- _This _is what I'm talking about, man. Women are hypocritical sociopaths."

"What?" I shook my head in confusion.

"You hate to be cock blocked, right?" Edward mused, shaking his head at me. "So don't cock block. If they fuck, they fuck. They're big kids now, just like you. Sit down - take a load off - join the He-man woman-hating club we've got going on over here."

I smiled and took a step closer. "I don't have balls, but I guess I can be an honorary member."

"Wonderful, pop a squat." He patted the spot in between him and Garrett, opting to slide to the far right. I sat down, smiled at Garrett and looked back at Edward.

"Why are you guys hating on women?"

"Well, you know my situation," Edward sighed. "Garrett's got himself some ex girlfriend problems that are a little spectacular."

"Really? How spectacular?"

Garrett smiled and took a drink of his beer, hitting the joint and passing it back to Edward. "Uh - well - You know, Kristine and I, we broke up a few months ago."

"Yeah, I remember you telling me."

"She's - ah - well - she's moved on," Garrett sighed, taking another drink of his beer.

I gasped. "Oh no!" I hissed. "She's dead?"

"No," Garrett snapped. "Moved on with someone else."

Edward started laughing hysterically at me. "No, she's not dead," he snorted. "Why would you think that?"

I shrugged and giggled. "He said moved on, I don't know! Shut up."

"That's not the best part," Edward added. "Go on, Garrett."

"She's in there right now. With another girl," Garrett explained.

"_That's_ the best part," Edward teased with a deep, hearty laugh. "That's just brutal? Huh?"

"That bitch!" I snarled. "Want me to go kick her ass?"

Garrett honestly laughed, a first for the night. "No, she's just -" He sighed. "She'll come back around."

Edward handed the joint back to Garrett and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Dude, I wish you the best of luck." He reached in front of me and they shook hands before he stood and gestured back to the dorms with a nod of his head.

"Yeah, man. You too," Garrett said, pulling Edward into an awkward man - hug.

I stood and moved around them. "Okay, you two gonna make out? Should I just go back inside?"

They chuckled and Garrett stood to give me a hug as well.

"Still with the Marine?" he whispered.

"Yep," I murmured with a small giggle. "Still a freshman too."

He nodded and waved goodbye as Edward and I started our way back to our hall. I could literally feel the alcohol soaking through my pores. I was _pret-ty _drunk, much drunker than I really wanted to get tonight. Just as I was realizing this, Edward came up behind me and swung his arm over my shoulders.

"What a nice guy, huh?" Edward whispered in my ear, looking over his shoulder at Garrett - who was probably still sitting on the bench, smoking his pot.

I smiled and shrugged. "Yeah, I like Garrett. He's a good man."

He bit his lip, an expression gracing his face like there was more he wanted to say. "Did you fuck him?"

"Hmm - I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

"So, you did?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but no - no I haven't fucked him."

"Yet -" Edward teased.

"No -" I laughed. "- It's not like that."

"Oh, I get it." I didn't know what Garrett had told him, but he genuinely seemed surprised. "But you want to -"

"Edward!" I nudged him in the ribs.

"What? C'mon. You can tell me these kinds of things."

"No, I can't."

"Why not?"

I rolled my eyes and looked up at him. "You know why not."

"Friends tell each other this kind of stuff," he reasoned with a small laugh. "Especially secret friends like us."

"Oh, you and I are _not_ friends. I don't know who misled you -" I started, busting into hysterics. "But that is definitely not what we are. Wasn't you who told me that?"

"I never -" Edward hissed, pulling his arm away playfully. "Why are you so cruel to me?"

"No, you're cruel. You need to do something about Tanya, and fast. The girl's bound to end up a nut case because of you."

"And just what do you suggest?"

"Break it off," I said. "Tell her to go away."

"You don't think I tried that?"

"Well, does she know you're fucking around on her?"

"Probably." He smirked and shook his head, as if my bringing it up was absolutely ridiculous. "Who's to say she's not our fucking around on me?"

"What, so you guys cheat on each other and it's okay?"

"She knows I don't want this relationship anymore. She'd think that was definitely what I was out doing. The problem is that she doesn't care, she thinks we're destined to be together or some shit." He stopped and lit up a cigarette, shaking his head with disgrace. "You do realize that she's going to kill me, right?"

"You're a prick. Do yourself a favor and take a cue from Nike. Just do it. Rip off the band-aid already."

"This coming from the girl whose boyfriend is on the other side of the country, fighting for our freedom, and she's over here, cock teasing graduate students for Christ's sake."

"Hey, Jake and I don't have your problems. We don't fight like you, we don't despise hanging out with one another. And for the record, I never cock teased anyone."

"Oh okay, right. And there you were tonight - grinding up on me like a stripper pole with fucking Brad Pitt marking his territory all around you."

"He _does_ look like Brad Pitt, doesn't he?"

"Yeah, more like _"Troy"_ Brad Pitt - not like _"Fight Club" _Brad Pitt. But, he might as well have peed in a circle around you," Edward jested. "You bring it upon yourself. You're the epitome of a cock tease. I don't even know why I waste my time."

"Oh, wah! You just be lucky that you're not my boyfriend. I'd have you gelded."

"Ouch," Edward jested, taking a puff of his cigarette. "You're heartless, too. I love it."

"You're a sucker for self punishment."

"Touche. I faithfully concede, tail tucked and head low." He laughed and shook his head. "How do you suppose Angela and Benjamin made out?"

I chuckled at his play on words and shrugged. "Good for them. At least someones getting laid. I just never pegged Angela for _that _type of girl. Ya know, to fuck a guy on the first night."

"Eh," Edward nodded. "You're the epitome of a cock tease, she's the epitome of the quiet girl fantasy."

I giggled harder. "No! She is not. Stop!"

"Yeah, true story. On the outside, she's all geek. Get her in the sack, she turns into a dominatrix."

Mortified, I smacked his arm and shook my head to get the image out of my mind. "How do you know that?"

"I know the type," Edward explained. "I love the type."

"Uh oh. Down boy."

"Eh - I'll pass on Angela, 'k-thanks."

"Really? Why? If she's so quiet girl hot?"

"Emmett and her hooked up back in tenth grade."

"Oh shit, I think I remember that," I slurred.

"Yeah, you don't ever go trampling through your brother's igloo. It's like a rule."

"Igloo?" I cracked up even harder. "Says who?"

"It's like a rule - Google it. I bet you. You just don't fuck your brother's girl; especially your twin brother."

"Right," I started. "The only igloo you two shared is your mother's." I paused. "Wait, that didn't come out right."

He chuckled and wrapped his arm around my shoulders again, pulling me into his chest. "I missed you, Bells."

"I missed you too, Cullen." I wrapped my arms around his waist and sighed in content. I missed him more than I really knew.

Before long, we were back at the dorms and standing outside under a streetlight while Edward finished smoking. He butted the cigarette out and exhaled the last little bit before flashing that crooked smile and starting to laugh again. Just because he was laughing, I started giggling harder. It was nothing in particular that caused our delirium, merely being in each others presence. I sighed and looked up to meet his adoring gaze.

It looked all too familiar. It was the look he always got when I read to him, or when he was just about to kiss me. And, God, I wanted him to so badly.

But I'd just gotten a letter from Jake today, a very heartfelt and endearing, somewhat pornographic, letter. Edward took another step closer and I put my hand on his chest to stop him.

"You can't fuck your brother's girls, but you can fuck your best friend's?" I whispered.

"Jake's not my best friend," he purred.

"Bullshit," I snorted with a chuckle.

"He was always closer with Emmett. But, I suppose the same rule applies. He'd have every right to kick my ass," Edward started, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning a little closer to me. "But I'm thinking it might just be worth it."

"It's not time," I muttered, taking a step back. "Someday - maybe. But now - no." I gestured toward the door of the building. "Come on. I'm getting pretty tired." I didn't wait for a response, I just took off in that direction, swiping my ID at the door to get in.

He grunted and trailed after me. All was silent in the elevator. It was the most torturous thirty seconds of my life. There he was, inches from me, an incredible fantasy that I'd been having recently, and I couldn't do shit with him.

I'd absolutely love to have his skin touching mine - all of his skin - all over my skin.

I shook the thought from my mind when he met eyes with me. He must have known I was eye-fucking him.

_Great._

Talk about mixed signals. I'd just shut him down in a big way outside, then I immediately get into an elevator and imagine his head between my legs, or what he'd look like on top of me -

_Dammit._

I was doing it again.

Taking a deep breath, I shook the dirty, dirty thoughts from my mind and sighed. It was gonna be a long year.

Finally! The doors opened on our floor.

"So, whose room do you think they're breaking in? Yours or mine?" Edward asked with a smile.

I shrugged and stepped into the hallway.

My room was the closest, so we checked there first. I leaned my head really close to the door. When I heard nothing and shrugged, Edward knocked.

Nothing.

I turned the key and slowly flicked on the lights. Alas, we were alone - which meant they were in Edward's room.

"God damn it!" he groaned and looked down the hall.

"Hah, hah!" I teased, kicking off my heels into the closet. "Go check - ya' know - make sure everything's coming out okay."

Edward rolled his eyes and chuckled. "I don't wanna go check. You go check."

"What? No way! It's not my room." In my inebriated state, I had no qualms about personal space or public nudity. So, with Edward standing in my door frame, I stripped my dress over my head and crawled into bed, clothed only in thong underwear and a bra, which I intended on taking off as soon as he'd left.

When I realized he didn't protest, (and why would he?) I looked back up at him. He was staring at me - perhaps eye fucking would be more appropriate.

"So, are you gonna go check or are you planning on staying here?" I whispered.

He licked his lips and scratched the back of his head. "Are you saying I could stay?"

"Yeah, Angela just made her bed. Hop in." I ruffled the pillow under my head and tucked the blankets under my arms.

"I don't think she'd like it if I slept in her bed before she had," he murmured, shutting the door and stepping out of his shoes.

"Well, do it up like we did when we were nine. Grab her pillow and blanket and pop a squat on the floor."

"The tile's a lot harder than the carpet back at Charlie's house," he argued.

I groaned and rolled my eyes at him. "Are you seriously suggesting crawling into bed with me? Look at me! I'm too drunk to put on pajamas."

"You don't really believe that's a problem for me, do you?"

I didn't answer. I just scooted closer to the wall and threw my extra pillow at him.

"You're the best, Bells." He clicked the lights off and I heard padded footsteps heading closer and closer. Upon scooting in with me, he pressed the half hearted stiffy in his boxers against my ass. "Oh shit," he whispered. "Sorry."

Sighing, I licked my lips and rolled to face him. He was merely centimeters from me, our skin touching just about everywhere. In my fantasies, I had imagined what this moment would feel like, every inch of his skin next to mine, the radiating pulses of energy between us. But, like everything having to do with him, reality surpassed it all. My heart pounded in my chest and my breath caught at the back of my throat as long stretches of current washed over me. It was lightning on my skin, pure bursts of euphoric lightning, and it was the most dazzling sensation I'd ever experienced.

It was pitch black and his dick was the only thing between us. It was all I could do not to reach over and test how well the penis mold had worked.

A thousand things to say rattled through my mind.

_"Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?'  
"How long would it take you to get hard if I asked you to fuck me right now?"  
"Do you think our sex would be phenomenal or just plain mind blowing?"_

But in the end, I sighed and whispered, "Goodnight, Edward."

"Hey, wait. What do you think you're doing?" he protested. "You think I bamboozled my way into your bed only to let you fall asleep seconds after I achieve my glorious victory?"

"I'm tired," I whined, rolling onto my back.

"Roll the other way. Let me hold you."

"You're not supposed to hold me, Edward."

"Does it matter? It'll be our little secret."

"You keep doing these things to me, justifying it by saying it's our little secret. But that doesn't make it right," I groaned.

"Does it feel right?"

"No. All I can think is what I would do if this was Jake in bed with Tanya."

Edward laughed and danced his fingers over my stomach. "And what would you do?"

"I'd murder him."

"Yeah, but is that because you _really _love him, or is it because she'd be playing with your toy?"

I thought about it for a second. "A little of both, I suppose."

"More of the latter?"

"Perhaps."

"Then, you don't really love him."

"That's blasphemy and I refuse to listen to it," I teased, rolling away from him.

"Ahh, there we go." He wrapped an arm around me from behind and pulled my pelvis closer to his, pressing his fully erect cock into my ass. "Much better."

I grunted in response, determined to fall asleep and forget all about this. I wasn't lying. All I could think of was poor Tanya, sitting in her hotel room, waiting for Edward to come to her, and here he was, half naked in bed with me.

And Jake. If Jake knew where I was right now, he'd blow a fuse. He'd beat Edward into a pulp. It would be more than some guy screwing his girl. This was _Edward._ He and Jake had been best friends for eons. This would be like getting stabbed in the front and the back at the same time. - Et Tu Brute style and shit.

"What do you think happens when we touch?" Edward whispered, dragging his fingers down my arms and back up again. He might as well have had electricity literally shooting out of his finger tips. It coursed over my entire body, shocking my clit into action. Moisture puddled between my thighs. Suddenly, I was more turned on than I'd ever been. (Thanks for joining the Marines, dick. Now, I'm going through withdrawal.)

"What are you talking about?" I murmured, my voice cracked and strained.

He reached out and grabbed my hand, sending a centralized jolt of current up my arm. "That - the sparks. What do you think that is?" he continued.

I shrugged. "I don't know. You have a joke buzzer up your sleeve?"

He laughed and pressed his lips to my shoulder. "You'd be wrong."

"Well, then what the fuck is it?"

"It's been driving me nuts, Bella."

"Go to sleep," I commanded.

"So I googled it."

I squinted my eyes and prepared for the worse.

"It's a chemical response inside your brain," he started to explain, dancing his fingers over my stomach. "Endorphins shoot down your central nervous system, sending tingles to your extremities and -" His hand latched onto the spot between my legs, instantly making my pussy pulsate. I took a deep breath. His lips were right by my ear, sending chills down my back with each word. "-shooting blood to your reproductive system." Even though I already knew this, he was using that tone that I absolutely loved so I let him tell me again. My pulse pounded where he cupped me, and the feeling was euphoric.

Suddenly, I couldn't stop myself anymore. I started to rock into him. God, I wanted this. I wanted it _so fucking bad. _I'd wanted it for a long, long time.

He was rock hard, I could feel it pressing into my ass. I wanted to tease him. I wanted to grind and rub him into submission.

But I'd meant what I said earlier, it wasn't time. I wasn't a cheater.

I didn't do that kind of shit. Even if his hand on my pussy was the most intense thing I'd ever felt, I wouldn't sink that low. It was like he had encased my clit in fire, and every nerve ending in my body was screaming for more.

But this was Edward - EDWARD for goodness sake. The little kid I spent an awesome summer with when I was nine, the kid with all the freckles and the pretty green eyes. And here he was - with his hand over my panties.

"Stop," I breathlessly whispered.

His lips were millimeters from mine, I could feel the heat coming off them. "Don't say that," he murmured.

"Please, stop. This isn't right. It isn't time."

"You keep saying that, but I don't think any other time is gonna be better."

"You should -" I thought about telling him that he needed to go to Tanya, that he needed to leave. But I'd missed having someone in bed with me, (selfish, I know), and so I sort of wanted him to stay, considering he was already here. "- You should just go to sleep."

He laughed and kissed the side of my head, kindly removing his hand from my genitals. "Goodnight, Bella."

"Goodnight, Edward."

_**The Next Morning.**_

_Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp._

It sounded like a bird outside.

But then there was this loud, buzzing sound going along with it. So I knew it couldn't have been that. Were the two sounds together or separate?

_Fuck!_

Squinting my eyes open, I winced from the sun pouring in the window and sat up, glancing around the room. The annoying chirping sound was Edward's phone on my computer desk. It had been going haywire all morning.

Edward's arm was still draped across my stomach, and we were both still wearing nothing but our underwear. And - not surprisingly - Edward was still rock hard. It jabbed into the side of my leg as he groaned and rolled onto his stomach, perking his head up violently.

"What time is it?" he grunted.

"I dunno. Go get your fucking phone. It's driving me nuts." I laid back down and rolled away from him. He was quick on the draw this morning, wrapping his arms around me from behind and rubbing his dick down the slit of my ass.

"Well, good morning to you, gorgeous," he teased, pressing his lips to my bare shoulders.

"Who is it?" I grunted.

"I think it's Tanya," he groaned, jumping out of bed. He trotted over, grabbed the phone, and then hopped right back in bed next to me. "Yeah, it's her."

"Well, call her back. Tell her you're half naked in bed with me and sorry you didn't answer the phone. Tell her now's not a good time because my mouth's wrapped around your cock and you have to go."

"I can't say that," he teased. "That would be a lie."

I laughed in response.

"Care to make it the truth?"

"Not a chance," I moaned. "Lie to her. You've been doing it for months."

He laughed and shook his head. "Yeah, I'm positive that'll go over really well."

I shrugged and closed my eyes to fall back asleep.

"Fuck," he moaned. "She's gonna wanna do shit today, and I've gotta go buy all my books. Then, she'll start a fight and make my life hell."

"It's very simple, Edward. Just tell her that it's really over and she needs to go home."

"You make it sound so easy."

"That's because it is. Honestly, why would she want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with her?"

"She's convinced I don't mean it when I say those kinds of things. So I avoid her at all costs. We haven't had sex in over two months."

"Wow," I sighed. "You need to do something about that."

"Yeah, that's why I cheat." He clicked his phone shut and got out of bed, sliding on his pants and shirt. "I'm gonna go check on the lovebirds."

"Mkay," I groaned, instantly rolling into his spot. It was warm, and smelled like him, effectively allowing me to fall right back to sleep. It could have been him or it could have been the hangover I knew I was facing - either way - I'd never slept so good in my life.

_**A/N: **__**Be sure to check out my blog for any and all teasers, comments, or news - you can find the link on my profile.**_

_**And please leave me a review to tell me your favorite parts and/or least favorite parts.**_


	7. Sep 13, Oct 1, & Oct 15, 2005

_**September 13, 2005:**_

Classes were going well. I'd taken Victoria's advice and decided to go with the English major. It was incredibly appropriate, considering my intense love for all things classical literature.

Tanya had gone home - _finally._

Edward broke down and flat out told her he was done with her, that she needed to go home, that he was putting his foot down. From what I'm told, she was absolutely heart broken. On one hand, I felt bad for her. I pitied her. But she brought it on herself to a certain degree. If she'd only listened to him, if she'd taken the hint earlier, if she'd stopped allowing herself to be treated like a glory hole, she would have saved herself a ton of grief.

Ben and Angela had gotten really close, really fast. They were practically inseparable, and they spent a ton of time in his room. Which meant that Edward spent the majority of his time in mine. On nights that I wanted to get away from all of them, I found myself having old school slumber parties in Victoria's room. We'd drink wine and do each other's nails and gossip while watching Brad Pitt movies.

However, this particular night was my eighteenth birthday - so we were all out at _Benny's _to celebrate. Victoria, Garrett, James and the rest of the group were inside finishing a round of flip cup. Edward decided to step outside for a cigarette so I followed him, even though I was starting to get too shit faced to walk.

"Laurent thinks every man is gay - if only a little bit. So you should feel special," I teased, responding to the "Good Game" Laurent had just landed on Edward's ass. We sat on the bench facing the street, the same bench we always sat in. "Besides, you liked it."

Edward laughed and shrugged sarcastically. "Maybe - a little - don't tell him, huh?"

I took a deep breath and looked out to the street, watching the cars go by absent-mindedly. My thoughts drifted to birthdays of the past, how my mom would always wake me up with a piece of cake or my dad would bring in my presents to start me off with a good day. How most of the time, I woke up tired as shit because Jake would have crawled through my window at midnight the night before and granted me any wish that I wanted. And today - well - today, I had gone to class, come back to the dorms, did homework, watched two episodes of _Fresh Prince _with Edward and headed out to the bar. That Blink-182 song immediately popped into my head.

_I guess this is growing up.  
_  
"What's the matter? You've been out of it all night," Edward whispered, bumping me on the shoulder a little.

I shrugged. "It's the first birthday I've ever spent away from home." It was truly amazing how honest I was with him when I was trashed.

"Do you miss your dad?"

"Eh - Jake, mostly. He used to - well - nevermind," I grunted.

"No, tell me."

I eyed him up and down, and considered being honest for a second. No, I ultimately thought. I definitely didn't want to go there with him tonight. "He used to give me a good luck kiss on my birthday. In hopes for a good new year," I lied.

Edward nodded and gave a quick chuckle. "If you wanted me to kiss you, all you had to do was ask."

"It's not the same." I smiled and hit him playfully on the shoulder. "But thanks anyway."

"No, you're right. It's not," he said blatantly. "It's definitely not the same."

Edward butted his cigarette out and stood, stretching his hand for me to take. One side of my mouth curling into a suspicious smile, I grabbed it and allowed him to drag me to my feet. Wrapping his arms around my shoulders, he pulled me into him, where my arms immediately went around their comfortable spot at his waist. The sudden closeness made something tighten in my stomach, a surge of current bouncing off every nerve in my body

"Edward," I murmured, my voice shaky and drenched in a tone that suggested he should stop. My mouth was saying one thing, but my body was silently screaming something completely different. Oh God, it wanted him so fucking bad.

Maybe he knew that because he didn't listen anyway. Our eyes met and he leaned in closer, preparing to kiss me. This was something long overdue between the two of us. Every inch of my skin ached for him, for that electric static to fall upon my lips once again. That first time was an accident, meant more to push our significant others closer to the edge of jealousy than it was a private or endearing moment.

"No one should have to go unkissed on their 18th birthday," he breathed.

Our skin was so close, I could literally feel the heat and fire radiating off him, beckoning me to close that extra centimeter.

"Bella!" Angela suddenly belted from the entrance to the bar. "You're up on Beer Pong." Her eyes darted between the two of us, analyzed the position we were in, and, putting her hand up to her mouth, she started giggling. "Oh shit. Sorry guys."

I laughed awkwardly and pulled away from Edward, who was shooting her a death glare. "It's okay," I snorted. "I'm on my way." I glanced back at him and nodded my head toward the rest of our friends. "It's probably for the best, huh?"

"Yeah," he blabbered, nodding his head slightly. "For the best."

_Thank the dear Lord for Angela. _

That felt so very, very right, like there was this force standing behind me and pushing me toward him - like gravity itself wanted that kiss to happen. I mean, how else could something so fucking wrong feel like that? Why else would I be so drawn to him?

I shrugged, walked back inside and thought, _fuck it. _

If there was such a thing as fate, it would all work itself out eventually.

Somewhere between ten beers and six shots later, I was even more trashed - too trashed to really remember everything that happened that night. I know Edward and I stumbled our way back to the dorms around two am and he decided to bunk with me, as usual. We were laughing and giggling and hanging all over each other.

"You know I've always felt like you and I have this deep, dark, secret connection," I slurred as I pushed the up button for the elevator and poured myself inside.

"Oh, yeah?" Edward murmured in response. "I suppose there's some truth to that. If that's the case, then, why are you still with Jake?" he retorted.

"I can't break up with him now," I started, interrupted by one or two hiccups. "He's in South Carolina - half way across the fucking world and sshhit. That wouldn't be right."

"Right -" Edward started. "Would probably fuck his day up pretty badly, huh?"

"Yeah, I couldn't do that to him."

The elevator started moving up, off setting my balance a little bit.

"Would you even consider what you're doing as cheating on him?"

"And, just what am I doing?" I gasped in fake disapproval. "Hanging out with one of my oldest," Just to be a dick, I reached up and pinched his cheeks playfully. "-dearest and nearest friends on my birthday? I hardly think Jake would have a problem with that."

"What about the part where I sleep in your bed tonight?"

"Details," I teased dismissively. "Besides, we've done nothing noteworthy." _Liar._ "I am _not_ someone who cheats on her boyfri-"

"Because that would ruin him?" Edward added, a strange, conflicted expression gracing his face. "Make him feel like the lowest piece of shit in the world?"

"I care too much about him." My eyes shifted up to meet his extremely disappointed gaze. "Oh, yeah. Lay it on real thick. This coming from the guy who couldn't stand being around his girlfriend long enough to break up with her properly before sticking his dick in someone else."

"What if -" he started, biting his bottom lip as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I countered and linked my hands together around his waist, sagging into his chest.

When he didn't finish his question, I murmured, "What if?"

"Bella, do you love me?" Edward inquired, looking down to me with complete seriousness.

"Yeah," I replied sweetly, bearing a shit eating grin. I hiccuped again. "Of course, I love you. I love everybody from high school. Emmett and Alice and Jasper - even Tanya - _a little bit_."

"My God, you're trashed." He hiked me up on his chest a little higher and sighed.

"I'm not trashed," I weakly protested, but he was right. He was more than right.

"What if I could tell you something that would make you want to break up with Jake on the spot?" Edward muttered, attempting hiding a curse at the back of his throat. "Would you do it, then?"

If I had been sober, I would have been suspicious. If it hadn't been my birthday, or even if he had waited until the morning to ask, the rest of my story would have turned out incredibly different. Things being what they were, I merely laughed and brought my hands to the nook behind his neck. "What if I told you I really did love you?"

The elevator doors chose that moment to open.

I have to admit that walking in heels when I was sober was nearly an impossible feat, so when I was drunk, it was almost laughable. I made it two steps inside the hallway before I tripped over something and fell face first on the tile. Edward laughed, I think, and helped me into my room. I immediately fell into my bed.

Edward started rambling on about how he thought we should have been the ones to hook up originally and that Tanya and Jake deserved each other - they were both spineless liars. My memory gets a little fuzzy at this point. All I really remember was the room spinning around me like a damn tilt-a-whirl and my stomach churning and I knew - right then and there - that Edward was about to win a bet I'd made, what seemed like, ages ago.

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling, praying, no begging, for the spins to stop. I gripped the heart shaped pendant that hung around my neck and tried to focus on everything about it. I analyzed the smooth metal surface and the deep engraving on the back.

_Please.. Please stop the madness. Please don't let this happen.  
_  
In my drunken state, I was sure I could will such a thing into existence.

"Bella, are you okay?" Edward asked, concern floating under his tone.

I tried to answer. I could feel the words coming up my throat. Oh no - no no no - that wasn't words. I looked over to Edward and literally rolled myself off the bed, landing on my hands and knees and crawling over to the trash can.

The bile overflowed before I even made it there.

"Fantastic," he groaned, running over to pull my hair out of my face. His warm hands trailed down my back soothingly as the jager bombs and lemon drops and blue-raspberry shooters came right back up in horrifying fashion. Which meant - yup, there it was - that disgusting thing Edward made me drink first. "Let it all out," he purred, attempting to calm me down.

"This -" I started in between coughs and dry heaves. "- doesn't count."

"Oh, yes it does," he snorted with a chuckle. "You owe me a lap dance. I win."

Wiping my mouth with a mystery-floor-towel, I stood and gave him the finger before hopping into my bed. A few seconds later, he crawled in behind me.

_**October 1, 2005:  
**_  
Things hadn't changed between us. In fact, we had gotten a lot closer. It was like we were nine again, riding our bike's around the neighborhood and catching fireflies at midnight. Because Angela was always with Ben, I was always with Edward - except for when he was at swim practice. He'd been recruited by the coach as soon as he'd learned of Edward's amazing quarter mile time. He wouldn't race his first two years, but he'd get faster and faster, and by Junior year, Edward could be setting some records.

This particular day marked the turning point for everything having to do with our relationship. I arrived at my dorm after spending all day racing around campus. I was hot, I was grimy, and I had the worst fucking attitude in the entire world because I'd gotten a 65% on one of my essays in British literature. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I got to my room and there was a note hanging on my door.

_"Bells," _it read on the outside.

Perplexed, I ripped it off and quickly opened it._  
_

_"'__Once and no more,' so said my love  
...When in mine arms enchained._  
_She unto mine her lips did move,_  
_...And so my heart had gained._  
_This done, she said, 'Away I must_  
_...For fear of being missed._  
_Your heart's made over but in trust.'_  
_...And so again she kissed."_

I instantly recognized the poem, but for the life of me, I couldn't think of who it was by. (I said I was an English major, not that I was a good one.)

I looked around, my brows furrowing in confusion. No one.

_Who the hell would have left this on my door?_

But once I glanced down at the poem again, I started to recognize the handwriting. Edward and I sat next to each other all last year in English. I'd peer-edited his work a million times. Smirking, I read the poem again and I opened the door to my dorm deciding to tuck this little memento away in Dante's box at the back of my underwear drawer. It was sweet, yes - maybe a little sappy - probably. But very much a secret, either way.

I mean -a _poem?_

Come on.

I rolled my eyes, shook my head and let out a little chortle. Needless to say, it had taken my attitude and pushed it completely off a cliff.

It wasn't long before the bastard himself appeared. Not even bothering to knock anymore, he swung the door open and sauntered over to my bed, plopping down in his usual spot against the wall. "Hey," he groaned, seemingly in a horrible mood.

"Hey yourself," I mused. But the look on his face told me he was really upset about something. "What's wrong?"

"I forgot that I have this huge essay due tomorrow for Psychology. It's gotta be like ten thousand words," he griped. "Guess how much I have done? None of it."

"You didn't let me guess," I jested.

Pulling his laptop from it's bag, he shot me a blank stare and said, "I'm fucked."

"Calm down, captain huffy pants. Start working on it and I'll help you as soon as I'm done with this scene."

"Scene?"

"Yeah, for my creative writing class. I'm writing a scene that involves emotional build up. Oooo- Ahhh-"

"Whatever," he murmured, turning his attention to his psych book.

"Hey, thanks for the poem, by the way."

"What poem?" He didn't even bother to look up or stop flipping pages in his book.

"The one you left on my door today."

He glared at me with a completely serious expression. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

My eyes narrowed as my head perked up. "What do you mean? You didn't put a poem up on my door?"

"No, why would I do that?" His eyes squinted and his lips cracked into a tight little smile.

I threw a nearby crumpled piece of paper over my shoulder at him. "Stop fucking with me, dick, or you'll be mastering psychology on your own."

A curt nod and a tense moment later, he muttered "You're welcome."

"Was it Keats?"

"Wordsworth," he answered on an exhale. "William Wordsworth."

"Why would you put it on my door?"

"Read it in class. Reminded me of you," he explained, completely avoiding my gaze altogether. He'd even started tapping away on his computer keys. "I would have read it to you instead, but we all know where that ends up. And I don't think I could sit idly by and _watch_ that happen again."

I laughed and stuck my tongue out at him over my shoulder.

"Hey, what do you think controls us more? Nature or nurture?" he asked, running his hands over his head anxiously.

"Uh -" I decided to take a break from my homework and started sifting through the mail that Angela had piled next to my monitor. "I think it's fifty fifty." I shoved some bills down at the bottom of the pile which revealed a white envelope from South Carolina with Jake's scribble on the front. "Oh my god," I shouted. "It's here! It's finally here!"

Edward jumped from the sudden outburst and shouted, "What the hell?"

"A letter from Jake!" I exclaimed, instantly tearing it open.

"Ohmigawd. A letter from Jake." He used a high pitched, mocking voice just to add insult to injury. "Well? What's new on the East Coast?"

I cleared my throat, clutched Jake's pendant around my neck and started reading.

_"Bella," _I began, my voice quivering with the hugest amount of excitement. _"By the time you get this letter, I should be allowed to call you. So make sure your phone is on."_

"See, there ya go," Edward snorted. "No more worries."

I ignored him and continued. _"They tell me I'm probably going to be shipped out to Iraq immediately after Basic Training. I'll be home for Christmas and New Years, but then I'll be headed for the desert. I wish it didn't have to be like this. I wish I had more time to spend with you.'_

_'I keep thinking about your -"_

Jake got rather _detailed_. It was incredibly obvious that he missed fucking me as much as I missed fucking him.

"Go on," Edward cooed.

"I'd rather not. Jake's a little _graphic." _My cheeks began to burn with what I knew was a unintentional blush.

"Really? Exactly how graphic?" he taunted, scooting a little closer to the edge of the bed. He put his laptop down beside him and perked an eyebrow.

_Uh oh. _

"You don't wanna read it," I said, shaking my head.

"How do you know?" he continued, rising to his feet.

"I don't want you to read it." I stood and backed away from him.

"I don't care." He sauntered over to me and reached for the letter.

I faked one direction and took off in the other. He caught me mid stride and pulled me into him, using his long ass arms to snatch the paper out of my hands within seconds. Laughing and giggling, he held the letter above his head with one hand and pinned me against him with the other. I struggled to reach for it, but found it terribly hard to stop squealing long enough to see where it was.

"_I keep thinking about your pussy," _he started._ "- and how good it feels to slide into you_. _You really have the best pussy in the world - _Is he serious with this shit?" I wiggled to try to get away from him but eventually, his hand found it's way under my shirt and brushed against the skin on my stomach.

I stopped moving completely.

The buzz must have shocked him as well because he stopped reading out loud and looked down at me. Slowly, my eyes dropped from the letter to meet his brilliant gaze.

"Hey," he whispered, lifting one side of his mouth into a crooked smile.

"Hey yourself," I murmured.

It looked like he was going to lean in and kiss me. And this time, I was thinking I just might let him.

Suddenly, the hinges on the door creaked and it swung open. Edward and I jumped away from each other.

"Wow, he's a regular Nora Roberts, huh?" Edward snorted, shoving the letter into my hands before he sat back down on the bed. "You should feel lucky to have such an admirer."

I rolled my eyes at him and looked back to the door.

"Hey guys," Victoria greeted as came into my room and plopped down on Angela's bed. "So, James and I are officially moving in together."

"Wow! Good for you, that's great," Edward said without any emotion whatsoever. He picked up his computer and started working on his homework again.

"I thought he 'had to think about it'?" I smirked.

"Well, I guess he did and he thought it was a good idea."

"That's cool, I guess."

"I think our friend, Peter, is gonna try to go in on a house with us," Victoria explained. "We'll buy low, sell high - the way Garrett does."

"That's a smart way to make money," I said.

"That's what we're counting on," she added.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. Now, I'll have some place new to hang out." I shot her a wink and sat down to return to my homework. Eventually, Victoria got bored with us and went to entertain herself elsewhere.

When we'd finished studying for the night, it was right around the time to cook up some easy mac and climb into bed. Edward's sleeping over had become a regular thing. It didn't even faze me anymore when he stripped down to his boxers and crawled in next to me.

Now, let me explain something.

These beds were small, smaller than a normal twin size. We were crammed incredibly close to each other every single night, and he absolutely refused to sleep in Angela's bed. I knew it was just an excuse to sleep with me, but for some reason, I didn't care. The natural reaction of our skin touching combined with the fact that I hadn't had sex in over four months led to extremely - _hot - _situations between the two of us, in every way that can be taken.

Tonight, Edward had chosen _Fight Club _for us to fall asleep to_, _one of our favorites, and he was laying on his side behind me against the wall. About halfway through it, he wrapped an arm around my stomach, pulled me closer to him and leaned in next to my ear. "If you could fight anyone from history, who would it be?"

"I'm a lover, not a fighter," I confessed with a laugh.

"Okay, if you could_ fuck_ anyone from history, who would it be?"

I giggled. "Do celebrities count, or are we just talking historical figures?"

"Either," he whispered. "Or both - if you're feeling frisky."

I thought about it for a second before admitting, "James Dean. What about you?"

"Joan of Arc," he answered, giving me a crooked smile.

I cracked up. "Why Joan of Arc?"

"Are you kidding? She 'talks to God'? I'm totally in. You know I love crazy. I wonder if she'd pray while I spanked her," he joked.

I nudged him in the ribs and laughed harder if that was possible. God, he was ridiculous. I absolutely loved that about him. At this moment, I loved everything about him - the fact that he was here keeping me company and joking over silly stuff, and the fact that he knew he couldn't have me, yet he persisted in loving me nonetheless. He'd become sort of a permanent accessory, someone that was generally assumed with my presence. We had become extensions of each other.

More than that, I loved having him in my bed. His touch sent tingles all over my body, always keeping me on edge. It crashed over me in tiny waves, indictative of how hot and heavy we were getting. If we were just lying there, it was slow and steady, like a stream. But, as his half-hard dick rubbed into my ass and his hand danced down the lower skin on my stomach, the waves came in faster, shorter bursts, clueing me into the fact that things were about to get super interesting.

"Do you know how hard it is to sleep next to you every night and _not_ touch you?" he murmured against the skin on my shoulder.

I nudged my bum into his dick and giggled. "I can distinctly tell how hard it is."

He laughed and trailed his hand north towards my breasts. I wrapped my hand around his wrist to stop him.

"Don't."

All comedy stopped. He'd been sleeping in my bed for almost two months now, but this was the first time he'd tried anything physical.

"You want me to. Admit it," he whispered.

"Doesn't make it right." I looked over my shoulder and met his eyes. They were fierce, feral, begging for any sort of positive response.

"Doesn't have to be right," Edward retorted. "Just what you want."

"And what will you do once you've had me? Leave me high and dry?"I wasn't sure I could resist him any longer. My mind was racing.

"Well, I was hoping to have you more than once," Edward muttered, pressing tiny kisses down my arms. "In fact, I was hoping to have you for a long, long time."

_Fuuuuuuccccck!_

Well, if that wasn't the sexiest thing in the fucking world -.

Should I?

Shouldn't I?

_Isn't there supposed to be an angel and a devil or something?  
_  
His fingers dragged down the inside of my thigh and I knew I was his. Our lips crashed against each other, sending spikes of current through my entire body. I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him on top of me. When my clit rubbed against his cock, I damn near lost it and moaned into his mouth. His hand pushed under my bra and circled my nipples.

It felt amazing, every tingle, every lavish wave of raw, primal desire. The sheer energy exchanged between us was enough to power San Francisco for a year. I felt like we were wrapped in an electrical cacoon, sparks ricocheting off our skin to the nearby wall and surrounding furniture. My mind was reeling, looking - searching - for a way to make this feel wrong. I knew I was cheating, I knew it was bad, but it just felt so goddamned right, ya' know? I just couldn't find one reason to stop.

It was this moment that I realized that I really_ loved_ Edward. I was hands down, head over heels, dumbstruck in love with my boyfriend's best friend.

But I also loved - _the Marine. (_I dare not speak his name.)

Edward pushed against me harder and something switched inside of me. I felt this need to consume him, to have him be mine, to _possess _him - like he was a prize of some sort - something I'd been working to achieve for so long. "_Mine,"_ growled my subconscious.

I was getting soaked, my panties clinging to my damp skin. I'd never gotten so aroused, definitely not by just going to second base. I wasn't sure what that was the result of: four months without sex or wanting to do this with Edward for so long, I was about to explode.

Maybe that's what was going on down south. An explosion for him and him alone.

He kissed down my neck and rubbed himself against me, threatening to stick his hands down my gym shorts. I pushed my pelvis into him, beckoning him, no, begging him to fucking do it already. I couldn't wait to find out what his fingers would feel like inside of me.

Just then, my phone started ringing.

I ignored it.

My fingers wrapping in his hair was all I could seem to focus on.

After it went to voicemail, the phone rang again - _and again._

"Stop," I murmured.

"Ignore it," Edward whispered, pulling back and looking me square in the eyes. His hand was so damn close to being down my pants.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me be the first to feel ashamed. I must admit that I wanted it.

_Really fucking bad._

But, when my phone rang for the fourth time, I pried myself from under Edward and walked over to pick it up.

_FUCK!_

BIG FUCKING SUCK!

It was Jake.

Snapping my phone open, I sighed and looked at Edward. "Well, it's about time, Mr. Black," I snorted.

Edward's entire face dropped. He ran his hands over his hair and shook his head, leaning back on the bed with a big groan.

"God, it's good to hear your voice," Jake said wistfully. I wish I could have felt the same. I was utterly conflicted. On one hand, his voice seemed so foreign - like he was from another life, another time, perhaps when I was another person. But had I changed that much in four months? It couldn't be possible. So, it also felt a little comforting to talk to him. It reminded me of home, of long walks on La Push Reservation and ice cream at the corner of North and Maugans. It reminded me of warmth and light and sex - the only sex I'd ever had.

"It's late. What are you doing up? Isn't it like three am over there?" I asked.

"I'm calling you before I'm supposed to," he explained softly. "No one's awake, and they've stopped keeping guard."

"Aw, babe. Don't get in trouble," I muttered. Edward sighed and got out of bed, grabbing his pants and shirt off the floor. Jake started babbling about the guards and their shifts, but all I could do was watch the moonlight bounce off Edward's body as he slid his jeans back on his legs. Then, he lifted his teeshirt over his head and pulled it over his body - long, lean, beautiful. He walked over to me, gave me a kiss on the side of the head and pressed his lips against my free ear. "Goodbye, Bella," he whispered before he headed for the door. He crept through it and closed it really quietly behind him.

I couldn't help the drop in my heart. Here I was, talking to Jake (more like, listening to Jake ramble), something I'd looked forward to for months now, and I couldn't help but feel _disappointed. _If Jake hadn't called, I'd be fucking Edward right now. And that just seemed like such an entertaining idea.

Again, I felt conflicted about that. I should be happy that Jake interrupted. I was still innocent. I hadn't fucked anything up yet, or so I thought at the time. But I also knew that Edward probably wasn't coming back - _ever. _And that hurt. I immediately felt his absence. I felt half of myself leaving and it scared the shit out of me.

I tried to focus on Jake as much as I could, and when the time came to say goodbye, I forced, "I love you," through my teeth and hung up.

That night was horrible. The pendant around my neck never felt heavier.

I couldn't sleep.

I had gotten used to Edward being there with me. I had gotten used to the sparks lasting all night. With no sparks at all, I found myself restless. I thought about getting up and walking down to his dorm. I even made it to my door. But he was the one who left me. And he was the one who needed to come back. So I just crawled back into bed and pulled my covers over my head.

_Damn him._

He'd win this bet - a bet I'd all but forgotten about. I couldn't fuck him until junior year, and already I'd almost succumb. Edward had already gotten to me, and now I'd acquired this urge to have him, this need to possess him. I most definitely would before junior year, and it was all his fault.

_**October 15, 2005**_

He hadn't talked to me in two weeks and I was beginning to lose my damn mind. My phone calls when straight to voicemail, he didn't answer when I knocked at his door, he didn't even say hi when he passed me in the hallway two days ago. I thought I looked rough, he looked like shit. He had these big bags under his eyes and his hair - well - I guess his hair always looked like a mess, but this was ten time worse. I had a fleeting thought that someone had taken a weed whacker to it, the ends straying out in careless directions the way it did when he first woke up in the morning.

This was the longest we'd ever really gone without seeing each other, and definitely the longest we'd spent apart recently. I just couldn't fathom what I could have done to make him so upset.

Edward knew about Jake. Edward knew I'd answer if Jake called. He knew I'd been waiting to talk to Jake for months. What the fuck was his problem?

Moreover, I hadn't slept in four days. Before that, it was five. I tossed and turned most nights. I thought about Edward and what I could possibly do to make him mine again. But then, was he ever really mine? How can I say that in confidence? Technically, my heart belonged to Jake, and it was a crime in most states to love more than one person. So why was I so torn?

The thing that really bothered me was that I knew where he was and what he was doing. He was down at Benny's, getting shit faced and hitting on anything that had a decent set of tits and a nice ass. It drove me crazy. At least I knew that, when he was with me, he wasn't out there contracting STDs or getting some dumb tramp pregnant.

Gosh, why was I so protective of him already?

Even as the thoughts raced through my mind, I knew I sounded like emo-love-sick wimp and there was nothing I could do to change it. I was losing my fucking mind.

Ben assured me that Edward was fine, and when I asked if he talked about me or mentioned what happened between us, both Angela and Ben looked away and sighed.

"No, Bella. He doesn't spend much time there anymore. I'm not sure where he goes, I think to Garrett's mostly. They've gotten pretty close," Ben explained, avoiding my gaze.

"Garrett's? Are you serious?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. They like to smoke pot and play video games or something," Angela added. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"I don't really know what they do there," Ben continued. "Sorry, Bells. I told him to call you, ya know? Cuz you ask about him a lot. But he just stares off into a corner and gets this glazed over look in his eyes whenever I mention you. Then he huffs, grabs his jacket and leaves. I'm not really that close to him, ya know?"

I nodded and pulled out a piece of paper from my back pocket. I had read something today in class that reminded me of us, and so I wrote it down for him. "Hey, I'm gonna go put something on your door. Just leave it there for him, okay?"

"Okay," Ben answered, returning his attention to Angela.

As I walked down the hallway to his room, I read the poem over again.

"_Ah! why, because the dazzling sun  
Restored our earth to joy  
Have you departed, every one,  
And left a desert sky?  
All through the night, your glorious eyes  
Were gazing down in mine,  
And with a full heart's thankful sighs  
I blessed that watch divine._

_O Stars and Dreams and Gentle Night;  
O Night and Stars return!  
And hide me from the hostile light  
That does not warm, but burn  
That drains the blood of suffering men;  
Drinks tears, instead of dew:  
Let me sleep through his blinding reign,  
And only wake with you__."__  
_  
I still didn't know if this was a good idea. Maybe he'd get even more mad at me. Maybe he wouldn't understand the symbolism. Maybe, maybe, maybe. It didn't matter anymore. I was willing to be the bigger man and bite the bullet. I fucking missed him.

Like the desert missed the rain - and shit.

I missed sleeping next to him. I missed his laugh and the way he always got my jokes and how it felt to have his skin on mine. I'd never felt anything like his absence before. Sure, Jake leaving me was pretty hard to endure, but this was brutal. Edward was figuratively strangling the life out of me.

At first, I was confused about his rejection. I didn't really understand what I'd done. After I'd had sometime to think about it, I was ready to apologize. I was ready to drop to the ground at his feet and kiss his flip flops until he brought the electric sparks back to my skin. But now - Now - his prolonged silence was only making me pissed.

Angrily, I taped the letter to his door, gave it the finger, and turned around to walk back to my dorm.

Would he call? Would he come over? Would he accept my apology, of a sorts?

Who knew.

It was almost to the point where I wondered who the fuck cared anymore.

But I certainly hoped he did - for his sake. This 'not-talking-to-me' bullshit was getting pretty old. We'd been friends for so long, it seemed impossible to not have him in my life - especially over something incredibly ridiculous as me talking to my boyfriend.

I mean, only girls pulled this stupid shit, right? Isn't this girl-code? It totally reminded me of how two girlfriends duked it out. The incredibly important, all consuming, world altering fight leads to a period of forced silence where each party broods and bitches to everyone else around them until someone finally becomes the bigger man and calls the other one, tail tucked and head low.

_Careful now, Edward Cullen. I can see your Vagina from here. _

There's a fucking note for ya'. I should have left that on his door instead.

My bitterness doubled when I got back to my room. Angela and Ben had locked the door and hung a hanger on the knob outside - the tell tale sign of 'stay out, we're fucking.'

"Fuck," I grumbled, heading down to Victoria's room. "Just fucking perfect."

I knocked a few times before she yelled, "Come in."

"Hey," I groaned as I entered.

She looked up at me with a smile, but her face instantly dropped when it met mine. "Holy shit. You look like hell. What the fuck's goin' on?"

"Edward still hasn't talked to me," I grumbled as I sat on the end of her bed. She was at her computer table with one foot propped on the edge so she could paint her toenails.

She sighed and dipped her brush back in the polish. "You gotta get over him, sweets."

"I know," I whined. "I just don't understand why I'm acting like this. It's not like we fucked or anything."

"Sometimes that's worse," she explained.

"What?"

"There's that unresolved sexual tension between you two. If you had just fucked and gotten it over with, you would know what _he _was all about. He'd wanna date you or he'd stop talking to you and get all weird. Either way, you'd know where you stand."

"Well, what's it mean when we didn't fuck and he stopped talking to me and got all weird?" I asked.

"Hell if I know." She shrugged and gave me a small wink. "But if you just have all this build up and no release, well, that's just like shaking a champagne bottle. Some day, when you least expect it, that cork is just gonna go flying off. Then, where will you be?"

"I mean, seriously, Victoria. We were just making out, then Jake called, and I got up to answer it -"

She laughed and shook her head at me. "Well, there's your problem."

"What do you mean?"

"You've got a big decision to make, babes. And I'm sorry that you have to make it because I know you love the Marine. But I also know that you have very serious conflicting feelings about Edward."

"Is that possible? Can you have feelings for two different people at the same time?"

"Of course," she continued. "It's how you act on them that's important."

I rolled my eyes and huffed.

"Are you gonna tell Edward how you feel?" Victoria snorted.

"I - I don't know," I answered.

"Well, whatever you do, I'm probably the last person you should take love advice from. James and I are having a hard time deciding on a house."

"Have you guys looked at some already?"

"A few. We have different ideas about what we want, and of course, that makes me wonder if we don't have different ideas about life as well."

I scrunched my nose in confusion and looked at her. "It's a house, Victoria. You probably won't be raising any kids or anything in this one. Worry about that when you buy your real house."

"I guess you're right. It's just, he keeps picking these crappy pieces of shit. I'm still picking fixer-uppers but not - crack dens."

I laughed and ran my hands threw my hair. God, I loved her. She had become such a major part of my life and I'm still not sure what would have become of me had she not stepped into that big sister role. She really knew how to cheer me up and give me the best advice. She actually reminded me of Rose, and that made me miss home.

College was such a culture shock. It seemed like so long ago that I was in Forks with my friends. I'd talked to them several times since then, of course, but that failed in comparison to actually being there with all of them. I wondered how it would be when I did ultimately go home. I wondered if things would have gotten better between Edward and I by then. If not, surely everyone would see it and wonder what the fuck happened.

_God damn._

It was bound to be different no matter what. Edward and I had changed - we'd gotten closer. We would expose ourselves no matter what we did.

I laughed at how well that was gonna go over and returned my attention to Victoria.

"He looks like shit too, ya know?" Victoria announced. "I'm not supposed to tell you, but he's over at Garrett's a lot recently. He probably hasn't slept since you guys had your fight."

"Yeah, I know," I murmured. "I saw him in the hallway. He didn't even say hi to me. I just wish he'd stop being such a little bitch."

"Anytime someone mentions you, he retreats into his own head and then leaves the room," Victoria explained. "He's drunk most of the time, if not high. Garrett isn't sure of the last time he went to class. He comes home with a different girl almost every night -"

"Alright, I get it," I snapped. "He's worse than I am. What am I supposed to do about it? He won't even talk to me." I couldn't help the twinge of jealousy that immediately surged up my spine. It was ridiculous of course, I held no entitlement to him. I just thought he would have - I dunno - stopped all of that nonsense when he got away from Tanya. But then again, it never had anything to do with her, did it?

Victoria's eyes bulged out of her head. "My, my, my. You do have something for that boy, huh? How long has it been going on?"

"What?"

"When did you realize you loved him?"

"What? I don't." I chuckled awkwardly. "I don't love him."

"Lie to yourself, sweetheart. Not me."

"I don't," I practically squealed.

"Uh huh," Victoria snorted, eyeing me incredulously. "I may have indulged a tad on that last part."

"How many different girls have you seen him with?" I asked quietly, looking down to my lap.

"Just me personally? Four."

"In a month?" I exclaimed.

"But Garrett insists it's probably closer to ten or so. They have that spare room over there. Edward's practically moved in already."

I nodded and changed the subject to what she was planning on doing that night and if I could stay.

I knew I was acting stupid about this whole thing. Any person in their right mind would have broken up with their boyfriend already, just called it quits. But there was this terrible stabbing in my gut whenever I thought about doing that.

I loved Jake.

He was over in South Carolina, trading his life for his country, and here I was, the patriotic girlfriend, patiently waiting for his return.

Alright, who was I kidding? It was 2005 after all, not 1943.

In the end, Edward was a manslut, and that would never change.

I did have feelings for him, and they were very conflicting, but I _knew _I loved Jake. And I _knew _Jake loved me - only me.

Edward was probably only interested because he knew he couldn't have me. And once he had, I'd be just another notch on his bedpost. That would hurt worse than anything else he could do. So, in the interest of both Jake's love and Edward's friendship, I'd stick it out until we got home for Christmas.

"Oh God," Victoria mocked, throwing a pillow at me. "Just break it off with the Marine already. You're making me ill over here."

**_A/N: _****_ Thanks for reading and be sure to leave me a review to let me know which was your favorite part. Also! Be sure to check out the new, exclusive LVN blog here at: http:/ www (dot) lavitanuovaff (dot) blogspot (dot) com (Link also available in my profile.) I'll be posting some teasers over there, as well as character analysis (as I get to them) and other delightful bits. Right now, I've got a post that explains a little bit of the inspiration behind the plot and I just uploaded "Edward and Bella's Not So Infinite Playlist," with all of their favorite tunes. _**


	8. The Night That Shall Not Be Spoken Of

_**Chapter 8**_

_**October 31, 2005 - The Night That Shall Not Be Spoken Of -**_

I still hadn't seen or talked to Edward since that night a month ago. I asked Ben if he got my note, and Ben shrugged, saying that it wasn't on the door when he went back to his room, so he assumed so.

_Prick!_

_I'm sorry, okay? What? Do you want me to scream it from the rooftops?_

_I understand why you're mad, and I promise I won't let it get that far again._

The truth was that I missed my friend much more than I actually wanted to fuck him, so if that's what it took to get him back, then so be it. I wouldn't eye rape him anymore. I wouldn't let him sleep in my bed. I would throw Dante away. I just wanted him to come back to me. My anger had turned to desperation.

And that was bad.

So I decided that I needed to go out and blow off some steam. I donned a sexy Catwoman outfit for Garrett's Superhero Halloween party. Victoria was going as April O'Neil from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, even though I insisted that she wasn't a superhero. She told me that associates of superhero's counted and I needed to shut my know it all mouth.

She hadn't lied the first night I met her. She was a cold-hearted bitch. And I loved her that way.

Angela and Ben were going as Mr. Fantastic and Sue Storm. She'd even gotten a blond wig and blue contacts. They were absolutely adorable together - (Almost too adorable. They made me wanna puke.) - and now that Edward had grown a ginormous vagina, I'd gotten to know the two of them a lot better. They took shifts, sometimes staying at our room, sometimes at Bens. When they came to mine, I went knocking at Victoria's door.

The guys, Garrett and Laurent, currently rented an old frat house down the street from school, a Victorian mansion that was all but falling apart. Just the two of them lived there and they were given cheap rent provided that they fix the place up. So far, they'd re-sided and restored the exterior, relandscaped the entire yard and put in a pool. Most of the interior was livable, but the eastern corridor and the basement were completely off limits. I still hadn't seen the rooms in those sections and I'd been here countless times.

I got two feet inside before being pulled into a game of beer pong with Victoria, James and Laurent.

Of course, I hit every single cup I aimed for. I'd trained all through high school for this shit.

"See, now this is what they don't fucking tell all you big city-rats about small town folk, such as Fresh and myself," Laurent started, giving me a slight nod of the head. "Getting drunk and playing games is all there is to do in Podunk, USA. If you can do both at the same time, that's your whole Saturday night." He laughed and took a long drag of his blunt, passing it to James afterwards. "We were perfecting this shit while you were still sucking your momma's tit," Laurent joked, punching James in the arm.

"Why is everything about sucking with you?" Victoria snorted.

"Bella's got talent, that's no lie," James interrupted before Laurent could form the totally disgusting reply I saw brewing in that beautiful mind of his. "But she lacks focus. She's distracted easily."

"Not true," I griped. "I've got the focus of a Shaolin Monk."

"Hey, Beer Pong Yoda, don't be jealous because she's not on your team," Victoria teased.

"Yeah, don't be jealous," I added.

We had gotten down to one cup on two cups, in my favor, and it was my turn.

I got my wits about me, took aim, and shot the ball right into the cup. "See? A monk."

"Alright, monk. But can your accomplice keep the zen going?" James taunted.

Victoria had her turn, and, just like a girl after my own heart, she sunk her ball in the cup too, thus ending the game.

"Uh! Stick that in your blunt and suck it!" Victoria grunted before giving the boys the finger and heading over to the dance floor. She pulled me right along behind her. We had every right to stay on the table, but I was already a little too drunk from doing shots in between turns.

It started with just me and her, dancing a little too provocatively for sober Bella. But drunk Bella was having a hell of a good time. Kanye West's "Gold Digger" blared over the pa system the boys had set up for tonight.

The next thing I knew, unfamiliar arms wrapped around me from behind. By the time I'd looked up to realize it was Garrett and looked back, Victoria was a few feet away, grinding up on James.

"I love your costume," he said, pressing his lips against my ear. His breath shot down my neck, and every inch of my skin prickled with goosebumps. Accompanied shortly thereafter by the jolt to my loins Garrett often brought.

I checked out his get up, which was a pair of denim jeans and a wife beater, and then I got a good look at his hair that had been gelled back into a style resembling a mid-80's flock of seagulls fan or something. Like aways, he had the aviators over his eyes to hide the fact that he was probably high as a goddamned kite. "Who are you supposed to be?" I murmured with a giggle.

"James Logan," he answered, his lips curling into the cutest damn smile while he tucked the end of a cigar between them. Those dimples made me wanna do bad, bad things to his face. (like ride it - for hours.)

"Who?" I blurted, a desperate attempt to distract myself.

"Wolverine. I don't expect you to know who that is. It was a little before your time."

"Oh, well, if you had said that, I would have known who it was. I've seen the movie," I replied.

"Nothing like the comics," he mused, twisting me around to face him. He pressed his knee between my legs and drew his fingers down the side of my face. "Why did you pick Catwoman?"

"Seemed appropriate," I justified. "She was a loner and didn't take shit from anyone, especially Batman."

"Ah, that's not true."

"Of course it is -" I started.

"She was his only weakness. And he hers."

"No, they just liked to fuck is all," I teased and laughed, throwing my head back and my arms up while I danced along. We got a lot closer as people started to pile in and, before I knew it, Garrett's lips were pressing down my neck. It felt good. I felt free.

For some reason, I started feeling like Garrett and I could really work - at least for tonight. Who cared if he was a few years older then me? He was adorable and he was definitely just as into me as I was him. There was something there between us. The first night we met, we thought we were no good for each other - and that might still be true. But damn if I didn't want to lick every inch of him regardless.

Of course, there was that whole - _Marine -_ thing. Not to mention the fact that I was still a freshman, which he claimed he never dated.

(He didn't mention boning, right? I was pretty sure, if he was spending as much time with Edward as Victoria said, freshmen were totally fair game for one night stands.)

I rolled my head to the side, making more room for his lips to explore, and slowly opened my eyes. That's when I saw _him -_ across the room, against the staircase. That bronze hair had been gelled back and he was decked out in an expensive looking tuxedo. I was instantly curious. But then I realized what was going on. He was hitting on some stupid tramp dressed up in a playboy bunny costume. She was hot, I could see why he was into her, but that didn't excuse the fact that he'd been avoiding me for a whole month.

"I'll be right back," I murmured to Garrett before taking off in Edward's direction. About halfway there, he met eyes with me, looked down and then leaned into kiss the bunny tramp. I didn't deter from my course. I walked right up to him and pushed him away from her. "What the hell's going on?" I shouted.

"Hey, he told me he didn't have a girlfriend," Bunny-slut interjected.

"I'm not his girlfriend," I bellowed at the same time that Edward yelled, "She's not my girlfriend."

Bunny-slut laughed and looked back and forth between the two of us. "Okay, I'll just give you two a minute," she said before taking off upstairs.

"Great! Real fucking great. Let me know if you plan to cockblock me for the whole night, that way I can go home now," he hissed before taking off toward the front door.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was a little more important than some stupid slut," I roared after him.

He looked back at me and laughed mockingly before squeezing through the bodies piling in. I followed him outside.

"So you're saying I'm not?"

"Why would you be?" he snarled.

"Ouch, fucker. Why don't you explain that?"

"You're not my girlfriend, Bella. You're not my sister or my cousin or even my friend, really. So, leave me the fuck alone already," he slurred, tripping over his own two feet a little bit.

"You're drunk. You don't even know what you're saying!"

"I'm not drunk," he griped, turning around to face me. "You're drunk!" He continued to walk backwards, quite admirably considering he was toasted. "And I am sooooo not having this conversation with you right now."

"Why? What did I ever do to you?" I exclaimed in response.

By this point, we were all the way across the street, heading on a route that looked like it was taking us back to the dorms. "When are you gonna tell Jake what's going on between us?"

My face dropped slightly. "What _is _going on between us? Because I don't have a fucking clue. I'm so - I'm so fucking confused about everything, Edward. So, you tell me. What the hell's going on between us?"

Edward licked his lips and shook his head. "Go away from me, Bella. Just go back to the party and forget the last year ever happened. It would be better for both of us."

"Don't do this to me."

"What? What am I doing to you?"

"Shutting down, trapping me in the dark. Tell me what the fuck is really going on with you. Why are you skipping class? Why - Why are you acting like a total emo douche? That's not the person I -"

He cackled a dry, fake laugh and shook his head sarcastically. "Do us both a favor. Don't pretend like you give a shit about me. Go about your happy little oblivious life - _elsewhere._"

That hurt. That really hurt. In fact, I wanted to reach out and slug him for being such an ass. I ran my fingers through my curly hair instead. "I will, alright? I will if you just tell me what I did to upset you so much."

"I broke up with Tanya, sent her packing back to Forks. Why can't you - when are you -" He stopped, obviously deciding that finishing that sentence was a bad idea. "Oh no, not a road we're going down."

My heart dropped because I knew exactly where that road ended. Regardless, I played dumb. "You broke up with Tanya . . . and?"

"Forget it. Nevermind."

"Whoa, wait! Are you saying you broke up with Tanya - _for me? _Because I never asked you to do that, nor did I give you any indication of where you and I would lead."

"Never asked me to do it?" His lips tightened and his eyes narrowed on me. "I remember you bitching at me for weeks to do it."

"I told you I wouldn't break up with Jake. Breaking up with Tanya was for your own good, but I never stopped talking to you because you didn't. I never treated you that fucked-up-ly."

"No, you know what's fucked up. A spoiled brat who can't make up her damn mind about how she feels."

"Spoiled? SPOILED? You're the one who's spoiled, you little shit. You're - you're just -" My mind raced. I was furious, absolutely ticked beyond belief. I struggled to form my sentences, but drunk as I was, that was a task I found mind-boggling. "- a stupid pretty boy who can't have what he wants so he pisses on everyone and everything around him to try to make himself feel better." _Yeah, take that. _"And I don't have feelings for you."

I had deep seeded sexual desires, consistent wet dreams, and a yearning to be ridden hard and put away wet - but _feelings? _I wasn't completely sure that I was ready to admit that to him, even if I had already admitted it to myself.

"See, that's the thing right there that pisses me off. You're a liar. You're lying to yourself and you're lying to me," Edward snapped. "Not everything is as perfect as you like to pretend it is."

I remained defiant. "I don't know what you're talking about -" He had this annoying yet incredibly accurate ability to read me like a fucking book, but that didn't mean I had to admit it was a true story. I still wanted to believe that I wasn't that mean, that I wouldn't do that to Jake, that I was somehow stronger, better than my parents.

I absolutely could _not _cheat on him.

"Bella, I understand that it's a difficult task dangling two different people along like string monkeys. It must be terribly hard on you. But I can't keep doing this. So, do us both a favor and just get the fuck away from me. He won, alright? I'm done wasting my time on you, on both of you. It's starting to make me sick."

I was shell shocked. I couldn't believe he'd just come right out and said that.

_Wasting _his time?

I didn't realize our time together was a waste.

I didn't realize _I _was a waste.

That twinge I felt in my chest? Ah yes, that was the proverbial knife twisting, wasn't it?

I couldn't let him get away with it. He thought he was so high and mighty, well he had another thing coming. He wanted to throw the truth in my face, so I felt compelled to throw it right back in his.

The shit had just gotten officially real.

"You listen here, you whiny bitch. I understand that it must be an extremely difficult task to stick your dick in literally anything and everything that moves. That must be terribly hard on you." It seemed that each sentence got louder and more intense as I said it. "And rest assured, Edward, it's not because I don't want to break up with him because that's all I've thought about since you got here." All my consonants distinct and pronounced. I was almost biting the words as they flowed over my clenched teeth. "I won't do it because I, _too, _don't share, you Fucking. Man-Slut! So I'll just do us both a favor and say 'fuck you very much' right now before you say something else that you don't mean."

With this, I marched ahead of him and headed for the road that took me to my room. Angela and Ben could find their own way back, for all I cared.

"Oh, and that sick feeling?" I shouted over my shoulder. "That's called syphilis." I gave him the finger.

The thing that pissed me off the most was how honest he had been with me. He smacked me upside the head with a healthy dose of reality, and it really fucking hurt.

I mean, who the fuck did he think he was?

Even if it was true, there was no reason to talk to me like that.

The fucker!

What happened to the sweet, somewhat ridiculous kid I knew from home? What happened to the boy I'd known since kindergarten? The kid who climbed into my window when he was nine because he didn't want to listen to his parents fighting? Surely, _he_ wouldn't have said such things to me.

I only started crying when I'd gotten into the elevator and realized how ridiculous I was being. I found it strange that I was so upset. Edward had done nothing but tell me what I already knew, but was afraid to say out loud. I _was _in love with two different boys. I was dangling them both along like string monkeys - _Dance monkey, dance._

I couldn't believe that what Tanya said back at senior week was true, but it was. Edward had broken up with her to take a stab at things with me, and he had been counting on my breaking up with Jake.

What a stupid ass I'd been. What a stupid ass he'd been.

He had every right to be upset with me. Just as I had every right to be upset with him.

_Whatever._

By the time I'd unwrapped myself from the tight, black cat woman suit and changed into a teeshirt and boxers, it was only about one thirty. I crawled into bed, absolutely exhausted from everything. I wasn't expecting Angela and Ben for another three or four hours so imagine my surprise when there was a knock at my door only about thirty minutes later.

"Go away!" I shouted to whomever dared disturb my angry whisky-induced slumber.

"Bella," Edward called. "Bella - open the fucking door."

"Eat shit and die," I groaned.

"You're wrong, you know. Since I've been here, I've only slept with two girls: Garrett's cat, Delilah, and you. And I haven't stuck my dick in either, so open the door."

"You're a liar," I belted, knowing damn well that was bullshit.

"So are you," he retorted. I could hear the smile in his tone. "But none of that changes how I feel about you - how we feel about each other. Open the door. Please."

_Prick._

"Come on. Trail your lazy ass out of bed and unlock the door," he urged. "I'll go down on you for an hour if you do." There a small snicker following that.

"You would even if I didn't open it," I snorted, climbing out of bed and walking to the door to open it a little bit so I could see his face. His eyes were big and wild, like he'd literally drove himself crazy thinking of good comebacks on the way here. "Yes?" I growled.

"Okay, look. You know why I'm pissed, I know why you're pissed, so just let me in so we can fuck this out already," he stated calmly.

"Hmm, No," I grumbled before going to the shut the door in his face.

He put his hand on the edge and stopped me. "You knew I was a slut in high school, why are you so surprised that I'm still a slut in college?"

I pursed my lips and eyed him from head to toe. "I don't even know where to begin with that sentence. A.) You weren't a slut in high school. At least not until the end. So this is a relatively new development. And B.) I thought you would have grown up by now. Guess I was wrong."

"Why would you want me to do that? Then, I'd be no fun." I went to shut the door in his face again, but he pushed back. "Bella, you've given me no reason to stop sleeping around."

"Um, how about herpes? AIDS? Genital Warts? That shit's permanent."

"Nor have you asked _me _about anyone I've hooked up with," he continued, completely ignoring my remark. "I assume you're taking the word of your shiny brand new BFF down the hall, and if you'll listen to her before you'll listen to me, you're out of your damned mind. It's _me, _Bella. _ME. _Not some dumbass trying to get into your panties before you sober up. Besides, the first month and a half I was here, I spent every waking moment I had with _YOU." _He stopped and ran his hand over his hair furiously. "Christ! I can't even believe I'm standing here defending myself. I don't have anything to be sorry for."

I thought about piping up with some bitchy remark about how everything was his fault and if he had just gotten me a CD for Christmas instead of a replica of his dick, we'd be having a much different conversation right now. Instead, I took a deep breath and shrugged. I wanted nothing more than to be laying in my bed, watching reruns of Fresh Prince. "Then go away, Edward. You got your wish, huh? I'm leaving you to your own devices. Fly, fly young grasshopper."

"Look, all I'm saying is that you have your faults, I have mine."

I closed my eyes and shook my head sadly. "I can't break up with Jake over the phone. I just won't do it to him." That was honestly the easiest explanation, that amongst a shit-storm cloud of other complicated reasons I couldn't begin to discuss with him right now.

"Trust me, he doesn't deserve any better," he murmured.

"It's not fair!" I shouted, almost shocked by the fact that he would say that.

"And it's not fair that you keep both of us dangling along in your little puppet show. I'm not a fucking Tickle-Me-Elmo!"

"HEY!" someone yelled from down the hall. "Some of us are trying to sleep here. Shut the fuck up."

"You shut the fuck up 513, or I'm gonna' smack the taste right outta' your mouth," Edward yelled back.

513 slammed his door shut.

"I am not going to be another Tanya for you to keep around just so you can know that there's a last chance piece of tail waiting for you at home if things don't work out with the hottie at the club," I whispered, finally catching him off guard enough to get the door closed. He stormed through only a few seconds later anyway.

"And I am NOT going to be your fluffer, just chilling out in the shotgun seat, tweaking your tits until it's time for you to blow the driver. Make a call, Bells. Be a fucking man." He took a few steps closer.

"I told you at the beginning that this wouldn't work out, Edward. You say you were a slut in high school, well, you knew I was with Jake in high school. Why are you so surprised that I'm still with Jake in college? What happened to sitting outside your house at two am and talking? What happened to just being _close _friends? Where did that Edward go? Christ, I thought Tanya was just paranoid when she said you came here to fuck me, but you really did, didn't you? You got accepted to Seattle, but you came here because I did. You're a cocky bastard!"

And the anger that instantly boiled inside of him hit me with one big suffocating wave. His eyes were deadly, slicing me into a million different pieces. "Are you really that selfish? I came here because Stanford is a much better school than fucking _Washington University_. It had nothing to do with _you._"

"Then, why are you in my room right now trying to get me to break up with my boyfriend?" I yelled. "Why'd you even come back here tonight?"

"Because he doesn't deserve you!" he instantly snapped, twisting his hands into his hair. This was the second time he'd said this, and it's matter-of-fact strangeness stuck with me for a while after this fight, and I should have known something was amiss right then and there. But, like any other reckless teenager, I only saw my own problems and my own issues. I couldn't possibly have read between the lines well enough to find the truth back then. I couldn't possibly have known what he was really trying to tell me. "You fucking piss me off with this shit!," he continued. "You can't make up your damn mind what you want. You practically rape me in your bed and then immediately pick up the phone to talk to Jake."

"I didn't rape you! I distinctly remember telling you to stop."

"Yet, you continued to stick your tongue down my throat. That makes a lot of sense."

"Don't blame that on me. We _both _wanted that. That's why you're so pissed off right now. You wanted it more than I did." I started laughing. "Oh my god. That's it, isn't it? You found that one person who wants_ you _only a fraction of the amount that you want them?"

He shook his head and cursed. "End it, Bella. But not for me. It has nothing to do with me. Do it for yourself." Edward was pleading with me at this point.

I shook my head and walked over to him, closing the distance between us. "Tell me what would happen if I did."

"What?" his eyes squinted into confusion.

"You're a self proclaimed man-slut, Edward. Why, in my right mind, would I want _you_ instead? Why would _you_ want _me_? You have no intentions of tying yourself down to anybody anytime soon, do you?" I paused for his reaction, but it was frozen as stone - emotionless. He didn't give me any answer. "That's what I thought. You love being who you are, so just be that. And let me do what I want with my life, even if that includes _not_ breaking it off with Jake. You were right. I think this weird thing between us has gotten way out of control, and we should probably just go our separate ways for the time being. I think that's safer for everyone involved."

"That's bullshit," he murmured softly, almost deflated. "You don't know what I would do if you broke it off with Jake. You haven't asked. You haven't asked about anything. Assume, assume, assume."

"Then, tell me. What would you do? Would you date me? Take me out to romantic dinners and chick flicks? Skip the Friday Night $10 Bottomless Cup at _Benny's_ to spend a cozy night in with me on the couch doing homework?" I laughed at how ridiculous that seemed. "Tell me, what would someone like _you _do with someone like _me?"_

His emerald eyes were startling, glaring right through me.

Before I could say anything else, his lips crashed on mine in a terrific array of surging current. It coursed through every nerve in my body like a ricochet of electrical sparks. At first, I wanted to push him away. My hands clawed at his shoulders, my head instinctively recoiled. But something about the way his skin made mine tingle glued me to him. I couldn't help but throw my fingers into his hair and kiss back.

His fingertips tucked under my thighs and lifted me up, pressing my back to the wall next to my door. It was forceful, powerful, like he couldn't get all that he wanted from me quick enough. Caught between cold plaster and the heat of Edward's body, a shiver rushed down my spine from the two completely different sensations. As his mouth trailed down to my neck and I gasped for air, one thought raced through my mind -

_This cannot be happening right now. This cannot be happening right now. I must be dreaming._

I was so damn sure I would wake up any second and find myself in bed, alone.

His pelvis pressed against me and his erection slid deliciously across my clit, making the muscles on my inner thighs shake furiously. With that, all doubt was removed - This was really fucking happening - RIGHT NOW.

The passion in our fight transformed into this immense ball of energy between us, this tangle of emotions ready to implode. I _craved _him, had been since the night he walked out on me. I had become addicted to his touch, his smell, his smile, everything about him. And I'd been withdrawing like a motherfucker these last few weeks. Oh, how sweet relapse could be.

Fingers. Warm fingers pressing down my neck and over my collarbone. They wrapped around my breast and found my nipple, coaxing it into a pebbled nub through my Forks High School football jersey. (Actually, Jake's Forks High School football jersey, but details, details.) The rigid hardness of his arousal swept over my clit, over and over and, God, how I wanted it inside of me. If he so much as made a move to take my clothes off, I'd have had no chance in hell of stopping him. At this moment, I was his - in anyway he'd have me.

Those wonderful lips travelled down to my neck again and sucked and licked and nibbled and, damn, that sent shock-wave after shock-wave of pure bliss straight through me. I was so turned on, my panties were practically soaked.

"Please," I heard myself murmur.

"Please, what?" he whispered back.

_Fuck me. _I tacked on mentally. His pace slowed a fraction and he brought that gaze to mine. I literally had to bite my lip to keep from answering his question. If I said it, he'd do it. We were beyond stopping. We were beyond - Christ - we were beyond this fucking universe.

"Please -" I whimpered again, tightening my grip on the back of his neck. "- just don't stop."

"Wasn't planning on it." He grinned that sexy, ferocious smile that brought every girl to her knees and for a second, I thought I would come on the spot. But then something changed in his expression. It wasn't the same grin or even the same look that he usually gave me, or any other girl for that matter.

It was -

The passing of his cock over my clit once more stopped my train of thought. Once more - and - and - god, oh god - I was about to come. My eyes slammed shut, every muscle in my body tensed with pure bliss. The sparks flew over our connected skin in fast, sharp bursts; pulsating in time with my deafening heart beat - like lightening strikes in a tornado storm and we were the vortex.

Then, the climax hit me.

Everything disappeared but didn't. We had floated into the sky and sunk into the ground simultaneously. We were spinning rapidly and frozen still all at once.

And I was loving every second of it. A desperate moan fell from my lips, giving way to another that I didn't even know was buried at the back of my throat.

I couldn't even remember what we were fighting about to begin with -

_Fuck it. _

All I could feel was the heat of his body next to mine, and how wrong this was -

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

But God, it felt so damn right. So very right. Had felt right the whole time.

I'd never known anything like this before. We were magic.

Edward kept pressing against me, a small grunt echoing from his mouth. A few seconds later, his face tightened and his jaw dropped. His knees went weak and his hands shook as he slowed, ultimately stopping to bring his astonished gaze to mine. I could literally feel his orgasm rattle through him.

We just stood there for a minute, staring into the depths of each other's amazed expressions.

_Yep._

_That really just happened._

He'd just made me come and we hadn't even fucked.

It was fantastic.

"You done being mad at me?" I finally asked, laying my head back on the wall. I took a deep breath and laughed while he pressed tiny kisses to my neck and nodded.

"Did you come?" he murmured.

I giggled a little harder and licked my lips. "Like you wouldn't believe."

He smiled before leaning in to kiss me one last time. "I'm pretty sure I just ruined Emmett's suit."

"What are you gonna tell him?"

"I don't really know."

"Who were you supposed to be anyway?"

"Bruce Wayne," he murmured as he put me back on my feet.

_**December 15, 2005:  
**_

We never mentioned that night again.

Didn't even talk about it.

It was officially number one on our list of things thou shalt not speak of. Right above Tanya, Edward's sex life, my sex life (or lack thereof at the present), and Brangelina. (I was still sore about his breakup with Jennifer Aniston. The prick!)

The very events of October 31st 2005 were simultaneously the catalyst and the solution for our entire disagreement. We'd fought because of this sexual tension between us and apparently, we decided to deal with that by releasing some of it.

We hadn't exactly fucked. And there'd been no skin to skin contact, other than our lips. So it wasn't really _that _bad, was it? It wasn't something I needed to tell Jake.

Halloween was simply the result of a mutual attraction between us and the years spent building said attraction.

Even though I knew I'd never come harder in my life, I tried my best not to _feel _anything about it. There was no reason to bring any emotion into such a tricky situation. It meant nothing to Edward, so I couldn't let it mean anything to me . . . right?

I was doing a damn fine job of pretending that things weren't weird between us, all things considered. That night had simply become an inside joke, something no one else really understood. Neither of us put very much thought into it. We turned it into something we could laugh about because we couldn't deal with how serious the event actually was. It had been our way of coping with whatever this relationship had turned into.

If things got a little heated or if we were in an intense disagreement, he'd crack half a smile, brush his hand through his hair and say, "Watch it, Swan. You don't wanna make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Or, if I noticed him checking out another girl, I'd say something like, "Watch yourself, Cullen. Wouldn't wanna ruin your suit."

The fact still remained that I'd yet to break up with Jake, and he'd yet to stop sleeping around.

And we told _no one _about it, not even Victoria or Garrett, and definitely not anyone from home.

By the time the semester ended, we still hadn't decided what we were going to do when we returned to Forks. It was going to be hard for him to sneak into my bedroom every night, especially if Jake was going to be sleeping soundly next to me. Which was to say that Jake was even coming home. He hadn't confirmed or denied whether he'd be there for Christmas. Tanya was bound to be a mess, and try desperately to get back together with Edward.

So it seemed that this night was the last night we could _really _be alone with each other for a little while. Angela and Ben were off at the movies, and said they'd be crashing on the boys side when they returned.

Edward and I were lying in my bed watching _Mean Girls. _We had developed this stupid tradition of casting movies we were watching with friends we knew in real life. For example, in this movie, I saw myself as Cady, which was Lindsey Lohan's character. Rosalie would be Regina, the main bitchy one, Alice was Gretchen, the heir to the Toaster Streusel fortune, and Tanya was Karen, the dumb one.

Hysterical though he found it, Edward firmly disagreed.

"Okay, take it from someone who dated the bitch for a million years. Tanya's the queen bee. She controls the other two, especially Alice. Rosalie is the dumb one."

I couldn't help but laugh. It was mean, yes, but true - most likely. "Okay, you're probably right," I finally conceded.

"And I'm the incredibly attractive boy on the swim team that you both are fighting over," he teased, digging his finger into my rib cage to tickle me.

I shoved his hand away and giggled. "No, you're Janis," I snorted.

He shrugged. "Ya' know? I think I could probably live with that."

We stared at the television, watching Lindsey Lohan deal with the sheer horror that was High School, and then things started to get a little more serious. We were going to see _them_ the day after tomorrow. We might as well be living in that damn movie, every day like the day before, all the drama of four girls living so close to one another. A Groundhog Day / Mean Girls crossover.

"God," I sighed. "You ready to deal with all of that again?" I laid down and stretched my legs across his lap, staring up to the ceiling. He immediately tossed my right leg over his head and laid down on top of me, balancing his weight on his elbows by my rib cage.

"Well," he started, clearing his throat a little nervously. "We don't really have a choice. But, if you break up with Jake -"

"- if you don't get back together with Tanya -" I added in the same snotty little tone.

"- we could just spend the whole time together in your bedroom, and forget about the rest of the world. We'd fuck all night, sleep all day -" he continued, as if I hadn't said anything at all. "Wait. What? Who says I'm getting back together with Tanya?"

I crossed my arms over my chest and gave him what we had deemed, 'The Victoria.' It was that distinctive look that everyone gives when they know someone's trying to feed them a load of bullshit. One eyebrow up, lips pursed, jaw squared, intense eye narrow - you know the look.

"I bet you sleep with her at least four times," I wagered. "If you don't end up getting back together with her altogether."

Edward shook his head and cracked a small smile. "Why do you speak such blasphemy?"

"I'm clairvoyant now, didn't you know?" I teased. "That's why you won't take me up on the bet. You know I'm right."

"Whatever, Ms. Cleo. You won't break up with Jake anyway. So it's just as well," he joked with a small chuckle. "Liars, we remain."

"It's our _one more night in Hollywood_," I started, quoting the Counting Crows song we both loved. "What do you wanna do?"

He looked back up at me and raised his eyebrows mischievously.

_**30 minutes later.**_

I had to admit, his last yahoo in Palo Alto for a few months was pretty damn awesome - and unexpected. We went to the wetlands and watched the planes come in over the airport, Wayne's World style. We even climbed up on the hood of his Volvo.

There was this really pretty spot that looked out over the bay, right next to the runways where the planes landed.

"This is gonna be awesome," I shouted, clapping my hands together enthusiastically.

He smiled, but didn't reply. It was silent for a few minutes before he finally murmured, "So, you think things are going be the same when we get home? Ya' know, the same as before we left?"

"Yeah, probably." His face tensed slightly. "Why?"

"Cause -" he started, clearing his throat. "I like this." He pointed lazily between him and I. "This you and I."

I smiled and nodded. "I think it'll be okay. We were unfriends before we came here, we'll be unfriends when we go home. What's the big deal?"

Unfriends - our made up word for what Edward and I had become. We were psuedo mates, platontically dating, not really friends, but not really fuckbuddies. Unfriends was that gray area in between. Technically, I was already taken and he was free to screw whomever he liked. We just enjoyed each other's company more often than not.

"Jake's gonna be home before us," he murmured.

I gasped. "How do you know that?" I couldn't help the skip in my heart. I hadn't known either way, and finally hearing it was amazing.

"He called and told me," he explained. "It was supposed to be a surprise for you."

"Fucker!" I yelled and punched him in the arm. "Why'd you tell me?"

"Ow!" he groaned, rubbing the spot I hit. "What are you gonna do the first time you're in a room with me and him? You're gonna feel awkward as hell. Did you think of that?"

"Of course," I grunted. "But you and I aren't even friends. We're not really anything, are we? Except some made up word that we use as an excuse to hang out and kiss and do other things when we're drunk. So I don't know what there is to say about it other than Jake is my boyfriend, and you are my very best unfriend in the world." I smiled and shrugged.

"I'm being serious, Bella."

"So am I, Edward. I mean, we can have that argument all over again if you want, but I have a feeling we'll just end up right where we started. _You and I -_- are nothing more than really close friends. That's how we came to California, that's how we're leaving California."

His jaw tightened. "Are you sure?"

Oh god. What if I'd been wrong about the whole thing? What if Halloween did mean more to Edward than what I'd thought? The way he was looking at me right now sort of suggested - "Are you?" I murmured softly.

"Of course," he replied in a chipper tone. "I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. That's all. In any case, something tells me Jake wouldn't like it if he knew we'd fu- if he knew what had happened."

"Hey! You said you wouldn't -"

"I won't," he interrupted. "But _you_ should."

"Pinkie swear you won't tell."

"What? Are you serious with that?"

I held up my pinkie finger. "Swear it."

He sighed and shook his head. "I'm not doing that with you."

"Don't be a baby, just do it."

Rolling his eyes, he stuck his pinkie finger out, latched it around mine and smiled. "I promise not to tell him, if you promise that you will."

Groaning, I went to pull my hand away.

"Promise it, Bells."

"Fuck you, Cullen."

"Do it."

I huffed a noise of annoyance and nodded. "Okay, I will -" We unlocked hands and looked back to the sky. "Eventually."

"Eventually?" he smirked.

"I -" I shook my head. "This will be the last Christmas he spends in America for a while. It should be good for him," I explained, pausing to evaluate his face. He just kept starting up at the stars - emotionless. "I can't do it until after the holidays."

"That's a fucking excuse, Bella. And you know it."

"Perhaps," I concluded.

Then, all fell silent for a few more moments as I took in his profile. The curve of his nose, the dip of his chin, those striking eyes - he was too beautiful for me. I was falling for him, that much was true. And perhaps I fought breaking up with Jake so hard because I was hoping that spending Christmas with him would make me forget about any feelings I had for Edward. I knew they were bad, knew I shouldn't have them, and undoubtedly knew he didn't feel the same about me.

"Edward," I whispered, touching his chest to get his attention. He looked over at me and smiled. I couldn't help but smile back. "Thank you for getting me through my first semester."

He nodded. "Thank you for getting me through my first semester, too." He paused. "Hey, when we get back to Forks, we don't talk about any of this, okay? All of it, everything we've been through, I think maybe it should stay here."

"Agreed."

"And, don't bring up Emmett's suit. I told him you tripped on something and spilled red wine all over it."

"Sounds like something I would do." I started cracking up. "What'd you really do with it?"

"Burned it," Edward confessed. Then, as if he didn't want to talk about it anymore, he pressed the volume button on the remote for his car radio that he had conveniently tucked into his wallet. _Foo Fighters _"DOA" was playing.

"I love this song," he murmured.

"Me too," I agreed.

"I know," he quickly replied. "They're coming around in February. You interested?"

I gasped and nodded quickly. "Hell yeah. How much are tickets?"

A handsome smile stretched across his face. "I'll let you know."

"You're such a dork, you know that?" I suddenly blurted. "You have a remote for your car radio."

"Hell yeah," he agreed. "My system's pretty pimp, even you have to admit that."

I winced playfully. "You drive a Volvo! No one can possibly be pimp rolling around in a station wagon."

"It's the shagging wagon," he joked with a chuckle.

"Oh my god." I shook my head in disgrace. "I can't believe you - of all people - are my best friend."

Suddenly, a tiny two seater jet flew over Edward's car at a pretty close distance.

Even though we were trying to be positive, a dark looming thought hung heavily between us. It was time to return to reality. This little dream world that we'd built for ourselves was beginning to crumble. Although I'd spoken to Rose and Alice like a million times while away, I was still nervous about seeing them again. Edward and I had changed. Things were definitely different between us than when we left the previous year. As much as we told ourselves we could forget about it, I knew, even at the time, that it was bullshit. What happened between us, what we'd experienced together, it was unforgettable. It had altered both of us, altered our relationship. I was certain everyone would pick up on that as well.

Things were pretty quiet on the ride back to the dorms. Edward must have smoked at least three cigarettes in that short fifteen minutes.

"So, we're taking my Volvo back tomorrow, yes?" he finally whispered when we pulled into his designated parking spot.

"Um, no," I answered, giving a small shake of my head. "I want to be able to drive when I get home."

"Pft," Edward hissed. "You can borrow my car anytime you want, Bella."

"And what would you do if you needed to go somewhere?"

"My dad has a company car because he's on call practically 24/7, which means his black Mercedes is sitting in the garage most of the time."

I raised my eyebrow. "And what if I want to borrow your car to take Jake somewhere."

"Then, I'd seriously question a future with Jake if he can't even man up enough to drive his own girlfriend around town."

"Ugh, chauvinist," I squealed.

"No, that's not misogyny. That's called being a chauffeur."

"Hm." My eyes narrowed. "And why does the woman need a chauffeur? Why can't the lady drive?"

"Because the lady doesn't drive," he murmured quietly. "The lady is driven."

I stuck my tongue in my cheek. "Right, well, I suppose if you're alright with my borrowing your Volvo at any time, we can drive back together."

"Ang and Ben still following us?"

"Uh, no," I answered, avoiding his gaze.

"Okay. What happened there?"

"They've decided to wait a few more days. They want some - uh -" I coughed awkwardly. "Alone time."

He laughed and ran his hand through his hair. "Right."

There was a long silence between us, where I realized that we were going to have no distraction whatsoever on the ride home tomorrow, and not to mention at the hotel the next night. We'd stop at the same no-tell motel my father and I had stayed in on the way down. It was, literally, in the middle of nowhere. The only thing we'd have is a bunch of alcohol and each other. And look where that got us.

I felt the weight of the situation bearing down on my chest. Tomorrow would be the last time we'd be able to be ourselves without the fear of scrutiny from - _them. _They were the haunting faces of our past, the very building blocks of who we were. And I was dreading their return. It meant that these people we had created while away from home were about to go into hibernation for the winter. We had to shelf everything that had to do with this place. Damn, it hurt like a bitch.

**_A/N: Thanks so much for reading. The songs for this chapter were a "A Long December" by Counting Crows and "Sex Type Thing" by Stone Temple Pilots. _****_Be sure to check out my blog at http:/ www (dot) lavitanuovaff (dot) blogspot (dot) com for a teaser from Chapter Nine._**

**_So, which part was your favorite? Least favorite? Will Bella ever pull her head out of her ass? Discuss. :-) _**


	9. December 16 & 17, 2005

_**December 16, 2005:**_

We were on the road by five am the next morning. Edward took the first driving shift and I fell asleep in the passenger seat almost immediately. Sometime around seven, I woke up to the faint smell of tobacco and the sound of ripping wind.

He smiled and flicked a cigarette out of the window. "Mornin' Sunshine," he cooed. "You hungry?"

"Hi," I murmured, rubbing a hand over my eyes. "Yeah."

He nodded and pulled off the highway in search of a McDonalds. It didn't take long to find one. He parked and I ran inside, hitting the bathroom before coming out to order my food. After a silent breakfast, Edward insisted that he continue driving. I didn't argue. After an hour went by and neither of us said anything, he turned on the radio and lit another cigarette.

It wasn't that we were particularly mad at each other, or even in an argument. With every minute that went by, with every deep breath and mile marker sign we passed, we were getting closer and closer to our reality. It was suffocating. The days of sharing a bed and staying up until one am laughing at each other were gone for the time being. I would be spending the majority of my time with Jake, and I assumed he'd probably be out at one of La Push's only three bars. (Every bar-owner in Forks knew Edward as the Doctor's kid and knew he wasn't 21. Just like everyone knew me as Chief Swan's daughter, and I couldn't get away with it either.) An overwhelming sense of doom stifled the life out of any conversation we tried to make.

We were listening to Edward's iPod on shuffle.

Suddenly, I heard the familiar heavy guitar riff of The Outfield's "Your Love" and I looked over at him with anticipation. I knew exactly what was coming.

"Uh oh," he muttered before pumping up the volume a little bit more. "_Josie's on a vacation far away, Come around and talk it over -_" Edward sang, pumping his fist enthusatically in the air. _"So many things that I wanna say. You know I like my girls a little bit older - _C'mon Bella, I know you know it._"_

"No, uh huh." I shook my head and laughed. "You're not getting me to sing this song."

He smiled and banged his fingers on top of the steering wheel. _"I ain`t got many friends left to talk to, No one`s around when I`m in trouble. You know I`d do anything for you. Stay the night, but keep it under cover -"_ Edward belted. "I know you know it, Bells. Don't be shy."

_"I just wanna use your love tonight." _I finally conceded, rolling my eyes._ "I don't wanna lose your love tonight"_

"There ya go!" he teased with a chuckle.

"God, I remember dancing around Rose's room singing along to this song when I was little," I reminisced, shaking my head in embarrassment. "We would put on her mom's fancy dresses and act like we were princesses. We would pretend you and Emmett - well, never mind."

"No tell me," Edward insisted. "You can't just start a story like that and then say never mind."

The song played on in the background.

_"Try to stop my hands from shaking. Something in my mind`s not making sense. It`s been awhile since we`ve been all alone. I can`t hide the way I`m feeling"_

"We would pretend you were our rescuers, our knights, and one day, you were going to break us free from the prison of her bedroom on the second floor," I admitted. I could feel the faint burn of a blush gracing my cheeks.

"Wow, little girls are creepy."

"Yeah well, we would do that until Rose's mom started babysitting Jake. Then, he made himself the king and said I didn't need a rescuer. That the King would protect me and save me."

"That little shit," Edward added playfully.

"I know, right?" I laughed and looked out the window at the passing car next to me.

"In the land of trapped Princesses, the Kings are the evil step fathers," Edward teased, using a tone that sarcastically suggested it was very common knowledge.

"Yeah, eight year old Jake ruined everything," I joked.

"And a full decade later, nothing much's changed."

_"As you leave me, please, would you close the door. And don`t forget what I told you. Just cause you`re right, that don`t mean I`m wrong. Another shoulder to cry upon."_

I smacked his arm playfully. "Remember that time your dad had that birthday party for you and Emmett at Chuck-E-Cheese -"

"Yeah," Edward continued. "And Jake threw up all over my presents?"

"And then Alice fainted and got it all over her." I started cracking up.

"We were quite a crew, huh?"

"Still are."

He pulled one side of his mouth into a crooked smile and licked his lips. "Now, instead of puking on my presents, he's -"

"Hey," I interjected. He didn't need to finish that sentence for me to know where he was going with it. "You're going to see him in less than twenty four hours. You better get it together."

_"I just wanna use your love tonight, yeah. I don`t wanna lose your love tonight."_

Things were more or less silent from that point on. There was a brief period where I sang along to "The One" by Foo Fighters, but I couldn't bring myself to say much more than song lyrics.

Around eight or so, we stopped at the run down, moderately disgusting no-tell motel in the middle of bum-fuck Oregon to get some rest for the night. Promising that our secret unfriendship would stay in California, he decided to get his own room and I thought it was for the best. We figured we might as well cut the cord now. He was able to make it until about ten thirty before he came knocking.

Fresh out of the shower, I twisted my hair up into the towel and opened the door.

"You see, I just found an entire bottle of Grey Goose and you know how Carlisle feels about underage drinking. We've got to finish all of this tonight. It absolutely can not go home with me."

I eyed the bottle incredulously. "Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Cullen?"

"Only if you want me to." He wagged his eyebrows jokingly and I raised a side of my mouth into a half hearted smile before nodding him into my room.

Three shots, one joint and about forty five minutes of _The Goonies _later, we sat across from each other at the tiny table next to the window, a shot glass in front of each one of us and the bottle of Grey Goose in the middle.

"I've never made out with Rose," he snorted, flicking his cigarette ashes into the ashtray. "Drink up."

"Fuck you!" I grumbled, tipping the shot glass up on my lips. I swallowed the liquor, winced and then shouted, "That was a dare, fucker!"

"Still happened," he immediately insisted. "I was there. I saw it."

"Hm - well - I've never had sex with more than one person at a time," I retorted, quirking an eyebrow at him. "Hah! Take that, bitch."

"Touche." He took his shot, hit his cigarette and blew the smoke out through his nose. "I never broke into Forks High School and spray painted chauvinist pig on Mr. Schiff's chalkboard just because he gave me a C in shop."

I gave him the evil eye and took my shot. "The fucker deserved it, number 1. And number 2, it wasn't just because he gave me a C. How'd you find out about that anyway? I didn't tell anyone it was me."

"I saw you leaving your house at eleven thirty that night, all dressed in black with a little backpack on your shoulders. The next morning, the whole damn school was flippin' its shit about the spray paint. Well executed, Watson, if I do say so myself."

"Why thank you, Holmes," I bellowed.

"Hey, so now that we're -" He coughed, clearing his throat. "- drunk and everything. I have something I need to confess to you -"

"Ruh Roh, Shaggy. What's up?"

"There is not a bone in my body that wants to get up and go back to that empty room," he muttered, dropping his gaze to the space on the table between us.

I sighed and pulled my feet up on the chair so that my chin could rest on my knees. A brick formed in the pit of my stomach and, running my hand over my face, I groaned with disappointment. "I knew this was going to happen."

"Knew what was gonna happen?"

"You weren't gonna be able to stop."

"We don't have to stop yet. Technically, _this _is our one more night in Hollywood." He raised an eyebrow and butted out the cigarette. "So, which wall do you fancy, huh? I've been eyeing the one by the bathroom next to the mirror. Wanna see what your face looks like when you come?"

_Yes. _ "Edward, stop it." My heart fluttering, I somehow managed to stay on my side of the table - tempted though I was to fling across the wood and firmly plant myself in his lap.

He smirked and shook his head, running his hand over the back of his hair. "This is incredibly difficult for me, for reasons you can't begin to understand."

"Try me," I continued.

"I've always loved you, Bella. Ever since we were just little kids."

"I know," I mumbled, avoiding his pleading eyes.

"You've always loved me too, you know that?"

I pursed my lips and nodded once. "I know."

"But Jake -" Edward laughed, honestly gave a good hearty chuckle. He was so drunk, I was sure he would regret saying this tomorrow, that's if I even remembered it. "I almost couldn't believe it when he said he'd kissed you. Then, I remembered why you and I kissed each other to begin with. It wasn't because you liked me the most. You wanted to be good enough for Jake. You've always loved him too. You've always loved him more." Edward sighed, wincing at the intensity of this conversation. "God, so many things he should tell you."

I frowned and took a little sip of vodka. "So many things I should tell him."

He nodded and stood, casually sauntering over to the edge of the mattress. Plopping down, his emerald gaze met mine. "You were right about what you said that night - ya' know - on Halloween."

Oh god! I thought about all of the atrocities I uttered that evening in particular. "Right? About what?"

He sighed and closed his eyes. "About me. About everything. You were - you were just right about everything. Just right." He nodded and fell backwards, wrapping his hands under his head. He really shouldn't be saying these things. Even if they were true, they were meant to be brushed under the rug. They would always be there, but below the surface. "Maybe Jake does deserve you. Maybe you're perfect for each other. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be." A few seconds went by and then he gave himself a small chuckle, as if to say, _Yeah right._

"What in the bloody fuck are you talking about?"

"I have no idea." He laughed a little harder and folded his arm over his eyes at the elbow.

I shook my head, turned off the light and crawled in beside him, facing away. It wasn't long before I felt an arm sling over my waist, sending tiny shocks over my skin as it tucked me in closer to his chest.

_**December 17, 2005:**_

When we pulled into that stupid housing complex and drove down that familiar road, my stomach churned. We were really home. We were really back.

"It's only a month," Edward murmured as we pulled up in front of his house, right across the street from mine. "Just a month and we'll be heading back to California."

I nodded and nervously pulled my bottom lip between my teeth. Our eyes met and I felt something inside me break. I absolutely did not want to get out of this car. "One month," I muttered somberly, suddenly wanting to lean in and press my lips to his. I'd tell him that I'd see him soon, tell him anything and everything I could to ease our suffering. "Thanks for the ride," I mumbled instead.

"Yeah, no problem." He smiled and twirled a stray piece of hair around his index finger. "I'll give ya' a good ride anytime. All you have to do is ask."

"Shut up," I retorted with a small giggle, punching his shoulder.

"No, but seriously. Let me know if you need to borrow the car. It's yours anytime."

"I'll come over tomorrow to get my stuff out of your trunk and get the spare keys from Emmett."

He nodded and gazed over at my house. "It looks like Billy and Jake are already there, waiting for you."

"Yeah," I whispered. "Yeah, I guess I should get going."

"Yeah, probably."

_"I love you," _my heart screamed. "I'll see you later," my mouth sputtered, giving him a small smile before climbing out of the car. As I shut the door behind me, I shut the door to that entire side of myself. Whoever that girl was at Stanford, she was still sitting in that car with Edward. She wasn't allowed back in Forks. She couldn't possibly follow me here.

I buried the last little bit of myself that had feelings for him and walked around to my front lawn. He was right. I could see Billy, Charlie and Jake sitting in the living room through the front window. I climbed the stairs to the porch and took in the scene more fully.

Jake looked - well - _amazing._

He'd put on at least twenty pounds of pure muscle. His hair was cut all short, almost to a buzz, and he was laughing, that gorgeous smile lighting up his entire face. I had thought about this moment for months now, how he would look, what I would say. I thought I'd feel uncomfortable. But it was incredibly the opposite. I felt overwhelmed.

I wanted to bury my head in Jake's thick chest and confess my sins. I wanted to feel his enormous arms around me, his scent intoxicating me. I had really, really missed him.

Almost as if he sensed my presence, his eyes lifted and met mine through the window. His smile intensified. He stood and bolted for the door, ripping it open in front of me. As desired, his arms flew around my waist and lifted me into the air, sweeping my body around so that I faced the street over his giant shoulder.

Edward was staring at me from the driver side of his car. Like he still didn't have the strength to say goodbye to California. Like he was desperately holding on to that girl I left in there with him. Like he didn't want to lose her, he didn't want to be back, and he certainly didn't want to have to admit to himself that, now that we were back home, I was, indeed,_ still Jake's girlfriend. _

My heart broke for him, but I was torn. A huge part of me was happy to be home, to be in Jake's arms again, to feel his warmth around me.

"God, I missed you," Jake whispered.

"I missed you too," I replied absently, my voice somehow strange and foreign to me.

Jake pulled back and pressed his lips to mine, urgently at first, giving way to the soft gentleness that I remembered the most.

The last skin I'd felt there was Edwards, and oh, how the two differed. Jake was practiced, knowing the exact way I liked it and anticipating every move to come. But Edward - well - Edward had been spontaneous, rushed, fiery, not to mention the way my skin reacted to his. With Jake, there was nothing of the sort. There was a certain lack of passion, something I noticed immediately and missed greatly.

Jake was familiar, Edward was spectacular.

Once satisfied, Jake put me back on my feet and ushered me inside where I immediately swung my arms around Charlie and pushed the guy sitting in the Volvo far from my mind. It was good to be home. I had better start acting like it.

That night, Jake pretended to go to his house only to climb the tree outside my window and sneak in once Charlie had fallen asleep. It was a practiced routine, something Jake's muscles probably did out of memory by now. Just as I knew precisely which boards to step on to sneak out silently.

He was just the same as I remembered, except a little bigger and somewhat older. His face had matured the slightest bit, and I probably wouldn't have even noticed if I hadn't spent hours staring at it before he left. He seemed a little more put together, a little more _worldly_ if that was possible. I wondered what he thought of me, or if I seemed any different to him at all. Somehow, I feared that he would smell the betrayal on me, the sweet stink of 'I-dry-humped-your-best-friend' and then all hell would break loose.

"Hey," he greeted, closing the distance between us as I sat up in bed.

"Hey," I responded, giving him a warm smile. I closed my book and put it on my bedside table.

"Can I - Can I join you?" He pointed to the empty spot next to me.

I nodded gently. "Of course. Why even ask?"

"Well, we've been apart for a few months. I didn't want to assume."

I raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Don't be stupid. Come here."

"So -" he hummed, crawling into the spot at my left. He licked his lips and smiled. "What's college really like?"

"Ahh - " I sighed and thought about his question carefully. There was a lot I could say, probably should say, but was definitely going to hold off on for now. I had intentions of telling him eventually, but it didn't feel like the right moment. At the present, it just felt good being in his arms. It was the first thing I'd felt right about in months. "It's one big party-" I started, rolling over to my side and nestling into Jake's enormous chest. "- even at Stanford. I mean, we thought we were alcoholics in high school? They drink on a completely different level."

"You go out a lot?" he asked, lightly brushing his fingers over my shoulder.

"On the weekends, sometimes. I have to study a lot."

He danced those same fingers over my poney-tailed hair. "Who do you go out with when you do?"

I smiled and looked up at him, meeting his gentle gaze. He wasn't trying to be possessive or overtly inquisitive, he was honestly curious. "Victoria, mostly. Her boyfriend, James, and his best friend, Garrett. Angela, Ben -"

"Who's Ben?"

"Edward's room mate. You'll meet him at New Years. Ang and Ben are both coming to Edward's party."

"I'll have to meet everyone else when I come down."

"You're coming down?" I perked my head in confusion; we certainly hadn't talked about this.

"Yeah, before I get shipped out. They're talking about March 13. So I was hoping to come see you sometime before that, since you won't be here for my birthday."

"I suppose that could be arranged." I wrapped my arm around his chest a little tighter, listening to the strong beat of his heart. "You'll have to tell me when you're coming."

"I'll do that," he said tenderly, pressing his lips to my forehead and pulling his arm away from me. "Do you go out with Edward a lot?"

_If you only knew. _

I sighed. "Some of the time. When he doesn't have - _other plans._"

"That's good," he mused. "I like knowing you're with him."

My eyebrows furrowed, my gaze narrowing on him. "Excuse me?"

"He'd protect you, ya' know, if something bad happened. It's good knowing someone from home is there with you," he explained. "It's lonely in South Carolina. Sure, you meet people, and they're cool. But it's another completely opposite life. It's strange coming home from that. I'm starting to think I have multiple personality disorder."

_Tell me about it. _I nodded and leaned up to kiss his chin. As I pulled back, I studied the features of his face. His tan skin set off by his jet black hair, his deep chocolate eyes and the dark lashes framing them, his strong jaw and angled cheekbones - he really was beautiful. Just marvelous to look at. "I really missed you alot," I purred. My hand trailed down his stomach, over his black hoodie, to his belt and teased at pulling it undone.

"Are you still on birth control?" he murmured.

"Of course," I breathed, pulling the leather through its hoop at his waist. My hands were shaky as they ghosted over the familiar territory.

_Holy hell._

I couldn't believe I was finally - _finally - _finally going to get laid. I almost couldn't control the surge of excitement that rattled through every nerve in my body.

He pushed me on my back and rolled on top of me, pressing his lips to mine. I literally shook with anticipation, my legs trembling under his careful touch. Pushing my knees apart with his firm fingers, he lowered down on me. His dick pushed at the denim of his pants, which in turn, brushed against that soft spot between my legs, causing my hips to buck in response.

His body was so warm against mine, recognizable - taking me home, reminding me who I was and where I came from. It was a phenomenal feeling, something I missed more than I allowed myself to realize.

Supporting his weight on one elbow, he pressed his palm into my stomach, sliding it under my shirt and up my body, where it landed on my breast and, with one delicate finger, he circled the skin around my nipple and coaxed it to pebbled attention. But it was when his tongue teased my lips that I felt arousal puddling between my legs.

Jake kissed down my neck and over my collar bone, before dipping both index fingers under the waist of my underwear, slowly tugging them down enough for me to get one leg out. Then he disappeared underneath my down comforter, and the anticipation took over. I knew where he was headed, had longed for this for too long, and now that the moment was here, adrenaline was shooting through my body quicker than I could process it.

Tiny, gentle kisses pressed at my right knee and fingers dragged down the inside of my thighs, forcing them further apart. Then his tongue, his magnificent velvet tongue, danced down my slit, pausing at the one spot he knew I loved, latching on and sucking, and I almost lost my damn mind.

It was the first time in months that I didn't feel bad about wanting to be intimate with someone. It was the person I was supposed to be with. I undulated under his touch. His mouth felt amazing against me. Everything about Jake rocked my world, and the fact that I felt so much love for him made this moment even more erotic and intimate.

His lips left my skin and travelled north over my stomach until that hair that I had intertwined my fingers in popped out of the blankets. I looked down at this moment and was startled by my own thoughts. For some reason, I was expecting a head of bronze. The black surprised me. Trying to hide it, I forced a grin and pulled his lips to mine by the back of his neck.

He didn't waste any time.

Jake pushed inside of me, filling me entirely. My legs hitched on his hips and hooked around his waist. It was slow, achingly slow, and once he was all the way in, his arms shook next to me and his jaw dropped, a small gasp forming at the back of his throat.

"God, you feel amazing."

"You too," I whimpered.

"I missed this. I missed you." He kissed my cheek and rolled his hips, pulling out before thrusting back in at the same torturous pace.

"You have no idea." A surge of pure bliss that shot through my body, numbing the bottoms of my feet and the palms of my hands at the same time. The feeling of him inside of me was something I'd longed to have for what seemed like an eternity. Suddenly, I'd remembered why I was dating him to begin with. I was seeing stars. My mouth fell open and a soft moan barreled from my lips.

_In ... out ... In ... out._

The rhythm was hypnotic, feeling familiar and foreign simultaneously. Right at that moment, Jake's hand came up over my mouth to keep me quiet.

"Shh -" he commanded with a small chuckle. "We don't want wake anyone up."

"I can't help it," I mumbled. _In ... out. _"You're amazi-" Before I could answer, he hit that special spot inside and I moaned again, my fingers scratching down his shoulder blades a tad viciously. I couldn't help it. I had to have him. I had to possess him, consume him, relish in this special moment, since it had been so long since we'd had one.

Our gazes met and those gentle, brown orbs stared deeply into mine while we rocked together in pure bliss. I was stupefied by how much I was enjoying myself. I hadn't expected it to be this amazing. I hadn't expected it to feel so right.

There was no guilt in my love with Jake - _like there was with him_.

He popped into my mind like a bad habit. I couldn't help it. One second, I was completely in the moment; the next, I was thinking about that pained look on Edward's face when we pulled up in front of his house. I thought about how much his companionship had meant to me over the last few months, and how he'd grown to be my best friend, for all intents and purposes. What was supposed to be a new life for me at Stanford had become a secret life with Edward at Stanford - a secret life and a secret love.

I thought about Halloween. How mind-blowing had that orgasm been?

That other me, that person I thought I left in the car, was suddenly creeping into bed next to us - and she looked repulsed by my hypocrisy. Did I not spend the last six months of my life pushing Edward away for Jake? So, why - when I finally had Jake - was I thinking about Edward?

_"The sex was way better," _she hissed. _"And you didn't even fuck him."_

_Fuck!_

I was officially crazy, ladies and gentlemen.

Here I was, fucking my boyfriend, talking to myself and fantasizing about his best friend - my best friend - the manslut with the Volvo across the street - the boy who had given me a replica of his dick for Christmas last year. Christ, what would he get me this year?

_"A good, healthy fuck hopefully. This is just pathetic." _

Jake's beautiful body collided with mine and I tried my very best to stay focused.

The muscles in his arms constricted as his pace slowed and his eyes slammed shut. Suddenly - he was done.

Just like that.

I was almost stunned.

_"Are you fucking serious?" _the girl hissed.

His breathing labored, he smiled and leaned in to kiss me tenderly. "I sure missed that," he murmured, rolling off to my left.

"Yeah, me too," I mumbled sarcastically.

"What? What's wrong?" Jake asked breathlessly.

Call me crazy, I sure as hell will, but I was angry with him for what was going on inside my own head. I was pissed that I'd spent four whole months waiting for Jake and resisting Edward's advances, only to have the sex pale miserably in comparison to what might as well be a g-rated romp against my dorm room wall.

"Nothing. I'm fine," I lied, licking my lips and pushing myself out from under him so I could get up.

"Oh what? I'm sorry. I've been _out of commission _for seven months," Jake argued. "I haven't had the chance to whack off properly with Rachel and Rebecca home. You can't be upset about this. Are you kidding me?"

"Ya' know, _I _haven't had sex in seven months either," I snarled, throwing on my pajama bottoms before walking into my bathroom. "I'll be right back."

"Should I be gone?"

"Do what you want."

I hardly had the door shut before I started kicking my own ass.

_"You are such an idiot," _the girl snarled. _"You only want whatever the fuck you can't have. In California, you wanted Jake. Now you have him, and you want Edward."_

"I know," I quietly growled.

_"And getting pissed at him isn't gonna help."_

"Fuck off."

I slammed my eyes shut and counted to ten, pacing the small space back and forth.

She was gone by the time I opened them again.

"Pull yourself together, Bella," I whispered to myself in the mirror. "Go out there and apologize to him."

Giving myself a small pep talk, I did my business and washed my hands. Afterwards, I walked back into my room, anticipating an empty bed. But he hadn't left. He wanted to fight it out. I sighed and crawled onto the mattress next to him.

"Babe, are you okay?" he asked, pulling me into his huge chest.

I nodded and gave him a small smile. "Dude, I'm sorry. I just -" How do I say _"that sucked and you owe me big time?"_ "-that's not how I envisioned -" That didn't sound right either. "Let's just forget about it, huh?"

"Yeah," he agreed. "Give me another shot tomorrow. I'll - I'll make it up to you." His eyes shut and his arms tightened around me. "I love you, Bella."

"I love you too, Jake."

I wish I could say I fell asleep right away that night. I wish I could say I wasn't awake after Jake slipped into subconscious and started snoring.

I can't.

All I could do was sit up in my bed and stare out the window at Edward's house.

I wondered what he was doing. The light in his bedroom wasn't on, maybe he wasn't home. That made me even more upset about the situation. We'd done exactly what the other had predicted. I didn't tell Jake about the night with Edward even though I wanted to, (there'd be time for that battle) and he was out fucking around even though he wanted to be with me. (That second part was just a guess.)

Unable to resist any longer, I picked up my phone and texted him.

"_Hey, what cha' doin'?" _I put the phone down on my nightstand and stared up at the television. An old episode of Fresh Prince was on. (I love, love, love Will Smith. Edward insists it's a sick obsession.)

Suddenly, my phone buzzed back.

_"Your mom. You?"_

I snickered. _"Your dad."_

My phone buzzed again. _"What do you want?"_

_"To talk."_

A few seconds later. _"About?"_

_"Many things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings -"_

A little longer this time. _"Aren't you supposed to be with Jake?"_

_"He's sleeping."_

No answer. I crawled out of bed and walked over to the window, staring across the street to see if I could catch a glimpse of him. Maybe I was wrong about him not being home. The lights were out, that much was true., but there he was laying awake in his bed, looking up at me.

I waved.

He waved.

_"I miss you." _He finally responded.

_"Miss you too."_

With this, I crawled into my bed, turned off Fresh Prince and called it a night. No matter what was going on with Jake, I felt better about it after talking to Edward. He calmed me, somehow. He'd made it all better.

One more text and all was silent. _"Sweet dreams, Princess."_

_**A/N: Hey everyone. So, I know it was a short chapter, but the next one is pretty long and pretty crazy, and it's already written. I'm sending out to the betas now, and it should be posted very soon - as in next week soon. Thanks for reading, and please leave a review. **  
_


	10. December 24, 2005

_**December 24, 2005:**_

I shouldn't have texted him. It only made me miss him more.

I should have just left him alone.

Whatever. Couldn't do anything about that now.

Jake and I were finally able to have our talk about his leaving. He knew he was headed for War, and he also knew that he couldn't just leave me here alone.

The hardest part was that we wanted to remain friends. We didn't want to look back at each other with hatred. We didn't want to be _that _couple. And so we would stick it out that far - together. After that - who knew? We'd see how we felt then.

I had to admit, I definitely still had feelings for him. They were the fluffy kind, reminding me of when we first got together and the night I lost my virginity. Things slipped right into place again. We would laugh and giggle all night at our old stupid jokes. As a friend, Jake was invaluable. He'd known me practically my whole life. And as my first boyfriend, Jake was marvelous. He always made me feel protected - warm - loved.

Everything seemed back to normal - everything except one.

I couldn't seem to have sex with Jake without Edward or the girl from the Volvo creeping into bed with us somehow. On occasion, I'd imagine them both next to me making fun of Jake's sex faces. Or Edward would pop into my mind just as I came, sporting a shit eating grin that said, _"I could have done it better." _

Anytime I opened my mouth to talk about Stanford, it almost always had something to do with Edward. Up until now, Jake hadn't said anything about it, but I could tell from the look on his face whenever I brought up the subject that it pissed him off. A momentarily twinge of jealousy followed by that fake smile that tried to hide it.

"I thought Edward and Garrett were going to fight at first," I explained, slipping the earring on my right ear in front of the bathroom mirror. "But they actually hit it off. I suppose Edward went out there and smoothed things over with him. They're good now." I ran my hands through my hair and walked back into my room, looking myself up and down in the full length mirror by my bed. Rose had specified the dinner be semi formal so I decided to wear black heels with a cute, little black dress and I'd curled my hair into tight ringlets that fell around my shoulders.

_"You clean up nice, Bella Swan,"_ I thought to myself. _"Real fucking nice."_

Jake was sitting on my bed, suited and booted and ready to go, grimacing the whole way through my tale of who Garrett was and how he and Edward met. He ran his hands over his face, took a deep breath and stood. "Look, Bella. I didn't wanna say anything until now, but - Christ - do you think you could stop talking about him for a minute? You're making me feel spiteful over here." He started laughing awkwardly, trying to avoid confrontation if at all possible.

"Spiteful?" I asked. My gaze shifted north and met his through the mirror. "About what?"

"It's starting to sound like all you do down there is go to class and party with Edward."

_Sounds about right. _"No, I do other things," I protested casually. "I like hanging out with Victoria and Ang, too."

"But all you ever talk about is him."

"That's not _all_ I talk about."

"Seems like it. I'm just getting tired of hearing how my buddy is trying to move in on my territory."

I started laughing and rolled my eyes nonchalantly. "I thought you were cool with my hanging out with him."

"Yeah - but not _all _the time."

"I can assure you. He's not trying to move in on anything."

"You know-" He came up and wrapped his arms around me from behind. "You're a terrible liar." Jake kissed the nape of my neck and looked down at his watch. "Oh, shit. We gotta go. It's already eight o'clock."

"Fuck." I threw on my peacoat and bolted downstairs, grabbing my present for Alice on the way. We'd done our secret santa again this year, and, luckily, I pulled the Animal Rights Activist. I adopted a wolf in her name from Defenders of Wildlife. Turns out, fifteen dollars buys a wolf protection from extinction for a whole year. But the look on an animal lovers face when she opens the symbolic plush toy? Priceless. For Jake, I'd made an IOU. He'd once asked for naked pictures of me. Maybe this was the year I delivered.

Once we said our goodbyes to Charlie, who was headed out to work, we headed down the street to Rose's house, which was directly in the middle of the cau-de-sac. Jake grabbed my hand and looked over at me lovingly while I rang the door bell.

"Hey, guys," Rose answered, done up to the nines in a beautiful red gown with red lipstick that matched. By semi-formal, she must have meant completely formal. She looked like she was headed to the ball. She wrapped her arms around Jake's shoulders and pulled him into a hug, giving him a kiss on the cheek before gesturing him to walk in around her. Then, she turned to me. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and leaned in close to my ear. "Edward isn't coming," she whispered.

"What? Why?"

She pulled back and shrugged, raising her eyebrows like she was suggesting I should be the one to know.

"Rose, I haven't talked to him since we've been back."

"Do you think that might have anything to do with it?" She wasn't really asking so much as accusing.

_Alright. Point taken._

I pursed my lips and took a step inside, instantly greeted by Emmett who wrapped those giant arms around me and picked me up into a bear hug. "Bells!" he shouted. "I'm glad you could make it."

"Wouldn't miss it."

"How the hell are ya?"

"At the moment?" I sputtered. "Suffocating."

He laughed and put me down before walking over to Jake, lifting him up into the very same bear hug as he'd done to me.

"Whoa!" Jake exclaimed. "You wanna do that, you gotta' take me to dinner first."

Then I saw Alice and Jasper and made my way over to them. It was honestly great to see those two still happy with one another. Strange to think that they'd be married in just a short year or two. What an idiotic idea, getting married before you're even able to drink at your own wedding. But whatevs. Not my wasted youth.

Speaking of wasted youth, I scanned Rose's first floor and met eyes with Tanya Reynolds, who was standing at the far edge of the living room, champagne in one hand and an unlit cigarette in the other. She tipped her glass above her head, swallowed the rest of the bubbly and sneered at me, tucking the smoke between her lips.

She actually - _sneered_ - at me. The bitch. She sighed at her empty drink and sauntered through the dining room to the kitchen and out the back door.

Part of me wanted to call her out on her audacity. But I deserved her anger, didn't I? I'd stolen her man, accidentally as it may have been.

_No, fuck that. _I wanted to think. _I had nothing to do with it. _Except, I knew that wasn't the truth.

God, she looked, well, miserable. She'd lost a lotof weight, even though she was petite before, and had these really big, puffy bags under her eyes. More than that, she looked like she was amounting to nothing more than a fraction of the person who she used to be, and that must have drove her crazy. Her dress was wrinkled and stained, her hair sort of twisted on top of her head in every which way. She looked like she simply didn't care anymore. And that was sad. Just because I thought her and Edward were bad together didn't mean I wanted absolute misery for her.

It wasn't until dinner was served that she even had the nerve to look at me again. Everyone sat in their normal spots, with the exception of the chair to my right at the end of the table that Edward typically occupied. The fact that it was enormously empty was the only thing I could seem to focus on. His absence haunted me. I found myself aching to know where he was, what he was doing, why he felt it necessary to ditch me tonight. Hell, he might have been the reason I went all out on my make up and outfit. I'd sort of wanted to look cute for him, and yet - he wasn't even here to appreciate it.

x

After Rose said her prayer and started cutting the ham, Alice broke the silence first. "Why is it always ham? Why not tofu or, at least, turkey?" she groaned, taking a biscuit and passing the plate to Jasper.

"Turkey's for Thanksgiving," Emmett explained, scooping some mashed potatoes onto his plate. "You can't have Turkey for Christmas, too."

"Definitely not Tofu," Jake interjected. "It tastes like shit."

Alice crossed her arms and eyed him incredulously. "That's because you've never had it cooked right."

"No, that's because it's trying to be something it's not. It so desperately wants to be meat, but it just isn't, no matter how it's cooked," Jake added with a laugh.

"So it's kinda like your dick, huh?" Emmett teased.

"Haha, fuck you," Jake retorted, shooting his middle finger in the air at Emmett.

"There's some left over spaghetti in the fridge from last night, Alice. The meatballs are big enough to pick out, if you're interested," Rose suggested. She shrugged and got up, deciding to search the kitchen for something more vegetarian.

"Every year with this shit," Jake teased. "Just eat the damn meat."

"That's what she said," Emmett joked, and Jake started cracking up again.

"She takes it pretty seriously," Jasper added, ignoring Emmett and Jake all together. "It's respectable."

"Oh, yeah?" Emmett asked. "Then, why aren't you following her into the kitchen for some noodles and Prego?"

"Please," Jasper jested, taking a giant slab of ham. "I can't possibly be that respectable. Isn't in my protocol."

Jake and Emmett laughed while I grabbed my share of the poor-defenseless Pig and started to chow down.

"So, I heard you're riding the bench with your scholarship," Jake asked Emmett, changing the subject completely. "What's that like?"

"I'm a freshman. Of course I'm riding the bench. I won't get any playtime until next year - maybe. But it's good, ya' know. I'm getting a free education and everything."

"What's your major?"

"Right now, it's Business, but I might switch to Pre-Law," Emmett said while he chewed on a piece of ham.

"Hey, let me know if you decide to do that," Alice suddenly spoke up, trotting back into the room with her spaghetti bowl. "My dad could give you some good references in Maryland. He goes to DC a lot. Practically knows everyone."

"That'd be great," Emmett said, obviously flattered that Alice would do that for him.

"And, what about you two?" I suddenly spoke up. "Decide on a date yet?"

"Yeah, right now it's April 25, 2007," Alice announced, wrapping her hand over Jaspers on the table. "But that might change. It depends on how much money we can save between now and then."

Suddenly, Tanya stood and walked around the table to the sliding glass door leading to the patio. I supposed she was heading to have a cigarette outside, and once I saw the spark of her lighter, my suspicions were confirmed. I glanced at her plate - practically no food at all. Yet she continued to suck down that champagne like Judy Gardener on a bad day.

"You told your parents yet?" I replied.

They both shook their heads nervously.

"Uh huh. Bet that will go over well." I snorted a laugh.

"I'll be lucky if her father doesn't shoot me," Jasper added.

"Or think you knocked her up," Jake cut in.

"That too," Alice agreed.

"Wow. 2007 huh? That's great." I scooped some corn into my mouth. "Really great."

Alice nodded.

"Soo -" Rose started, her tone coy and nonchalant. "Who's in the party?"

Alice smiled anxiously, like she had been waiting for that question all night. "Well, you two lovely ladies and Tanya, of course, and my cousin, Jane," she said, twirling some spaghetti on her spoon.

"And what about the men?" Emmett added in a voice that mocked Rose's.

"Well, there's my cousin, Demetri, and my sister, Maria. I was thinking -" Jasper teased.

Emmett picked up his napkin and threw it at him. "Don't be a dick."

"Well, you of course, asswipe," Jasper finally answered. "And Edward, too. Jake, if you can be there, great. If not, I understand."

"I'll try my best, my friend. No guarantees."

"Well I'm gonna need one by April, you understand?" Alice chastised. "I need to make plans - arrangements. I need to find someone else if you can't make it."

Tanya came back in and passed by me again. God, she stank. She reeked of booze and old smoke and - Chanel No.5. I actually felt a little sorry for her. Poor girl was breaking down, practically on the verge of losing it. Giving her a once over, I wondered when was the last time she showered, because, damn, she needed it.

"What about the honeymoon?" Rose urged, shoveling a spoonful of mashed potatoes into her mouth and redirecting my attention back to the conversation.

"We're hoping for Cancun, but we'll settle for San Diego," Jasper explained.

"Cancun would be awesome," I spoke up, trying to get my mind off Tanya. "You guys'll have so much fun. I'm jealous of you already."

"Yeah," Alice said dreamily. "But enough about me. What about you? How's Stanford? Do anything fun?"

"Save all the X-Rated stuff for when Jake leaves," Rose teased with a wink.

"Stanford is - well, Stanford's great," I answered, wishing my capillaries weren't so damned close to my skin. I couldn't help but blush. Rose had no idea how close she'd come to hitting the nail on the head.

"How's Angela Webber?" Jasper mused, eyeing Emmett comically while the sentence poured off his lips.

"Oh, c'mon, man," Emmett groaned. "That was tenth grade."

Jasper raised his hands in surrender, stifling what was sure to be a loud chuckle. "I'm just saying."

"Yeah -" I continued, refusing to acknowledge their debauchery. "Ang is really awesome. I'm lucky to have her as a roommate." _Even though I never saw her._

I had intended to tell them all about our first night there and how she'd ended up with Edward's roommate, but I was strangely interrupted by the dry cackle of Tanya's evil laughter. She threw down her fork and wiped her mouth on her napkin. "You're kidding me, right?"

"What?" I snapped.

"What's your problem, Tanya? Just because -" Jasper began.

"She didn't tell you, did she?" Tanya looked at Jake and then averted her dagger gaze back to me. "No, of course she didn't."

"Tell me what?" Jake asked, his voice rife with concern. It was almost like he knew what was coming. My hand tightened around my fork, my heart fluttered in my chest. I was sure my cheeks were red as all hell, the traitor tint only confirming everything she was about to accuse me of doing. She was going to blow the lid right off my shit - and she was going to do it here and now. "Bella, what's she talking about?"

"Yeah, Tanya. What _are _you talking about?" Emmett interrupted, his tone harsh - almost to the point of snarling. There was something in his eyes - something I could only guess at. It suggested he _also _knew where this was headed.

Tanya looked right at Jake and smiled. "The first night they were at college, Angela met this kid Ben, who turned out to be Edward's roommate, and they went back to his room. Guess where Edward ended up? Snuggling your perfect little girlfriend over there. Rumor has it, he's been keeping her warm all semester long."

_FUCK!_

_Oh God, shut up. Please, just shut the fuck up. _

My heart pounded my chest, the fast pulse resonating through my eardrums. The world started spinning faster and faster.

"Tanya, stop it," was all I could think to mutter.

_How in the hell did she know? Who in krikey fuck told her?_

"Somebody's cut off," Jasper tried to say from next to her, reaching in for her champagne glass.

But she tugged away from him and persisted nonetheless. "Isn't that right, Bella? And he slept there just about every night, didn't he?" Her gaze fell to Jake and, smirking, she took another sip of her champagne. "That's why he broke up with me. That's why he's not here right now," she continued. "But don't worry though - she won't break up with you. She just likes the attention too damned much. She teases him, Jake. And he just can't stand the sight of you here with her." Tanya winked and that heinous evil cackle fell from her lips again. "She's dangling him along - Just like she's doing to you."

At this moment, I had a Mean-Girls-esque daydream of flying across the table and taking this bitch down - animal kingdom style. That's how we did it in the caveman days, that's how our ancestors settled shit like this. I'd wear her eyeballs as earrings and her skin as a bonafide Tanya suit. In this moment, I hated her; I despised her. And now, I wanted to kill her.

My cheeks flushed and burned, and my lips tightened. Tears welled in the corners of my eyes, but not because I was sad. I was so angry, I couldn't even see straight. The worst part about it all was the fact that she was right. The cunt was right about everything. I had a huge, nagging suspicion that this was exactly why Edward wasn't here tonight.

"Fuck. You." I snarled, my voice shaking with fury.

"You ruined my life. How's it feel?"

"No," I started, as calmly as I could be. "You fucking paranoid psycho. You ruined your own life."

"Then deny it."

_Touche, bitch. _

With this, I stood and pressed my hands into the table, casually leaning in closer to her. "You wanna know why he broke up with you? The real reason?" She rolled her eyes and pursed her lips in defiance. "Being around you is like walking on the thinnest glass in the world. One wrong step and the whole fucking world falls out from under your damned feet. You used to be pretty to look at, but now that you've shot that to shit, you're not much fun at all." I squared my jaw, preparing for what was coming next. It was gonna be low, but fuck it. I didn't care anymore. "By the way, you smell like a cheap whore. Consider a shower." I gave her the finger and threw the plush wolf in Alice's direction. "I adopted a wolf for you. Name it something interesting." Then, I promptly marched out of the dining room and right through the front door.

"Bella," Jake called after me. I kept walking.

Something propelled me forward. I just had to get out of there. Whether it was embarrassment or anger or plain frustration with the whole situation, I couldn't stand to be around her anymore. I couldn't stand to be around any of them.

"Bella," Jake called again.

It wasn't long before I felt his firm grip wrap around my arm to stop me and whip me around to face him. We were in the middle of the Cau-de-sac, Edward's house to my right, Jake's to my left and mine directly behind me.

"Can you just calm down for a second?" he murmured.

"What? I'm totally calm," I lied, my voice quivering with rage. "Calm as a Hindu cow."

"You've always been a horrible liar. Can you - C'mon; here." He pulled me over to my house and up the steps to the swing on my porch. I sat and folded my hands in my lap, desperately attempting to stop them from shaking. I couldn't.

All I could think about was the various ways to kill her. Poisoning would be too obvious, what with forensics being what it is today. Guns and knives are too messy, and arson would take her innocent sisters down with her. That wasn't right. They weren't entirely pleasant, but she was the Queen bitch and it was her I wanted dead. On second thought, would the world really miss two younger versions of Tanya Reynolds? In that case, fire would be the most fitting.

_God._

What would Edward do when this got back to him? How'd she even find out about our sleeping together in the first place? Did he tell her? Did Ang? What. The. Fuck?

Jake sighed, ran his hand over the back of his buzzed hair and pushed the swing back and forth. I looked over to him and frowned. My anger for Tanya paled in comparison to what he must be going through.

"Is any of that true?" he finally muttered, glancing up to timidly meet my gaze.

A single tear fell down my cheek and I took a deep breath. In true Washington winter fashion, I exhaled and saw my breath like smoke in front of me. I couldn't answer. What would I say? I couldn't lie to him, not about something like this, not about infidelity. And I couldn't very well tell him the truth. The image of Jake marching right across the street and pulling Edward out of his house by his shirt suddenly plagued my thoughts. I wasn't sure I was up for a UFC competition in the middle of Locust Court right then and there.

The cops would get called, my dad would show up, I'd have to explain how it all went down - and Daddy didn't need to know his little girl was out getting dry humped by the kid across street _in addition _to getting plowed by his best friends son. _"That's right, Dad. Your little girl's a big ole' slut." _In his eyes, I would be a virgin until I got married, and he didn't care to know otherwise.

"Christ, Bella. It's true, isn't it?" He shook his head, slammed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead anxiously. "How often? How many times?"

"I never slept with him Jake," I furiously explained. "I mean, we never fucked."

"Yeah, but the other stuff," Jake snarled, looking back at me. His eyes were frightening, angry, an expression I'd all but forgotten. It was rare that Jake got upset with me for any reason. But tonight, pissed was an understatement. Livid probably didn't even come close. Jake was almost a completely different person. "How often did he stay with you?" he growled.

More tears fell. I took a deep breath and looked down to my lap, avoiding his incredulous glare. "More often than not."

"In the same bed?"

I nodded once.

Jake stood, taking a few steps forward to the ledge of my porch. He put his hands on it shoulder width apart and leaned against the sturdy wood, his head drooping between his arms. "You never fucked him. Did you do other things?"

"Other things?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah, _other things_." When I didn't immediately answer, he pushed farther. "Did you suck his dick, Bella?"

I was almost offended by his question. As much as I may or may not have wanted to, I never went that far and was a little repulsed that Jake would think so low of me. But, then again, here we were, having this argument, so I suppose that question wasn't too far out of bounds, was it? "Jake, -" I started, my voice shaky and weak.

"Did you, Bella? Tell me," Jake roared, his tone nasty and wild. "At least tell me if you spit or swallowed. That way I know what kind of whore he turned you into."

"No, Jake! I didn't blow him! I didn't do anything with him," I shouted, abruptly standing. My hand was poised to slap him. I would have too if he hadn't deflated completely at my outburst. I lied. I don't know why or what possessed me to do it - but Edward and I had told each other that night never happened. I wanted it to be true. I needed to be true. And so I lied to Jake. It was the only time I ever did. "I'm not a fucking whore. And if you wanna take the word of that spiteful bitch over mine, you can just go the fuck home. In fact, I think I want you to regardless. I don't wanna be around you anymore tonight."

While I knew Jake and I were over at the end of winter, I also knew that I didn't want to lose him before then, and I definitely didn't want him to hate me. I didn't want us to end like this. I didn't want Tanya to get the satisfaction of seeing Jake and I break up. But, I couldn't stand to be around him after he'd talked to me like that.

All was silent for what seemed like an eternity. He didn't move. I didn't move. Then, we saw Alice and Jasper leave Rose's house and hop into Jaspers old ass Honda CRX. Sure, he could have afforded something a little nicer, but he loved that little beater POS. Who was anyone to take it away from him? The happy couple waved as they passed us. I waved back. Jake grimaced.

"Why didn't you tell me -" Jake finally sputtered. "-before?"

I wiped the tears off my cheek and sighed. "Didn't think it was that important."

"Let me ask you this. Would you want me -?" Then, something stopped him. He never finished; he just frowned and walked down the stairs of my porch. At the bottom step, he put his hands in his pockets and cleared his throat. "Does he love you?"

My head snapped up. "What?"

"Does he love you?" Jake was absolutely defeated; he couldn't even bare to look at me while he asked.

"How the hell should I know?"

"Do you love him?"

It was incredibly obvious how I felt. He knew it. I knew it. Edward knew it. I couldn't hide it anymore. So, instead of saving face, I slowly whimpered, "Not as much as I love you."

Jake nodded, his facing twisting into a pained wince, and he trailed across the space connecting our yards. There was a small flicker in the back of my mind telling me to call out to him. But I'd hurt him, and he'd hurt me. We needed space. His leaving tonight was probably for the best. The door of his house closing behind him was the loudest thing I'd ever heard. It echoed in the back of my head like a gunshot. I wanted to be so angry with him. I wanted to make all of this his fault somehow. But it wasn't. It was all mine. I deserved tonight.

I probably should have gone after him; made him berate me so that I felt worse about what I'd done. But I didn't. Perhaps I didn't think it worth the battle. Maybe we were supposed to split up right now. Maybe I wasn't as upset about that as I should have been. I thought about rap-tap-tapping on Edward's door. Just imagine the way he would look when he answered, all surprised and excited. He wouldn't be expecting me, but my presence would light up his world, the way his always did for me.

I didn't know how long I'd been sitting there, but eventually, the tears stopped coming and my hands stopped all that shaking nonsense. It was terrible to say, but Jake's absence felt like such a relief. And if that was the case, why did I lie to him? Why didn't I just flat out tell him what was going on between Edward and I? I should have done it right after he asked if I blew him. Jake would have said "Did you suck his cock?" And I would have been like "No, but he fucked me against a wall and I came harder than I ever have before." What's done is done, huh? We always think of the right thing to say long after we've said the wrong.

It seemed like no matter what I tried or how I went about it, I was constantly kicking myself in the ass.

I looked at the empty driveway, almost angry that Charlie had taken the Christmas Eve shift. Here I was, all alone in this big empty house. If my father had been home, I'd be able to go inside and forget about all of this by watching whatever football/hockey/ baseball/basketball thing he had on. I'd be able to zone out with the pleasant company that my quiet father brought. Holidays were supposed to be about being with the ones you loved, right? Well, two of them were pissed off at me and the other was a workaholic.

Where did that leave me? Sitting on my porch alone on Christmas Eve with no coat on, apparently.

I sat out there for what seemed like hours, pushing the swing back and forth and back and forth. It was freezing, of course, and there was about two feet of snow on the ground, but the cold felt refreshing. It was eye opening, reminding me that this was_, in fact,_ reality and California was still three weeks away. I was lost in my own thoughts, staring at the spot where Jake had been leaning against the porch.

"Hey," came a voice from the sidewalk. I looked up at Rose, holding a bottle of Jack Daniels and my coat. She'd pulled her hair back into a ponytail and thrown on her pajamas and boots before heading over. "You're gonna catch pneumonia," she chastised.

"Does it matter?"

She shrugged and took another step closer, pulling her coat a little tighter around her body and offering mine with her extended arm. "Alone on Christmas Eve?"

I nodded.

"Me too." She looked over to Emmett's house and sighed. "Emmett had some things to do before his mom came to visit tomorrow, so - he went home."

I nodded again, returning my attention to the empty spot in front of me.

"My parents are in Boca," she explained, climbing the stairs to my porch. "Wanna get drunk?"

Pursing my lips, I looked up at her and smiled. "Ya know, Rose - I'd say I loved too, but I don't think that would quite cut it."

She tilted her head to the inside of my house and opened the door to walk in. "C'mon. You and I got some talking to do."

Following her up the stairs to my room, I smirked at how far we'd come from the nine year old little kids that used to race up and down these very same set of steps. Rose had lost the braces and the pigtails, and I'd grown an ass and a set of tits, but here we were, getting drunk on Christmas Eve, all alone, together. She plopped down on my bed and pulled two shot glasses out of the pocket on her coat, setting them on my bedside table. I sat down next to her and smiled as she poured the whiskey, handing my shot over to me.

"To shitty friends and Christmas' alone," Rose teased, raising her glass in the air.

I laughed and tapped hers with mine. "To shitty friends and Christmas' alone."

Fighting the burn that Jack always brought, I swallowed the shot and sat the glass back down on the table.

"Ahh," she gasped. "That'll warm you up, huh?"

I agreed and realized I was still in my dinner dress. Standing, I crossed the room to my dresser, found a pair of sweatpants and a teeshirt, and slinked my way out of the gown.

"So, um," Rose started.

Undoing my bra, I threw it to the side and lifted my teeshirt over my head. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry about tonight - the whole Tanya thing," she said, pulling one of my pillows into her lap.

"Dude, it wouldn't be Christmas if she didn't get pissed off about something, or start some huge fight with someone." I pulled on the sweatpants and walked back over to the bed. "She's just a pain in the ass."

"Bells, I hate to ask but I'm nosy as shit and I gotta know. Is what she said true?"

"Edward and I?"

She nodded.

"No," I said dismissively, shaking my head.

"Look," Rose stammered, pouring us another set of shots. "Hearing that Edward had broken up with her was like music to my ears - sweet, sweet fucking music. She -" Rose finished hers and set the glass back down. "She's a raving fucking lunatic."

I laughed. "I wish I could tell you that she was right. But I ca -"

"Edward's changed. He's different. You're different," Rose interrupted. "Something happened at college, Bella. I don't know what it is, but believe you me, whatever it is - I'll sniff it out."

"What are you talking about? I'm not any different, I'm not different at all," I stammered. "What do you mean, _he's_ _different_?"

"Well, for starters, he's quiet, distant -" she elaborated. "- Promiscuous. He's out drinking every night and bringing back these . . . _girls." _She erupted into laughter."Hell, I don't know. Some of them might still be in high school. He came home with Jessica Stanley the other night."

"No way," I murmured awkwardly, even though my inner jealous animal was about to bust through the surface. I knew where that bitch lived, I'd seen where her parents slept at night, I'd fuck her whole world up -

Rose eyed me up and down, and I let go of the death grip on my shot glass, forcing the Jack Daniels to the back of my mouth and down my throat. That burning sting I just mentioned was noticeably absent in my frustration. Pretending to laugh, I forced something through my lips that sounded like Tanya's dry cackle earlier tonight.

"What the fuck was that?" she teased. "Was that a laugh?"

"I think so," I answered coyly, nodding my head.

"Okay." Her eyes narrowed suspiciously before she continued. "Jessica Stanley hasn't changed one bit. She's still all 'Like-Oh-my-god-so-totally.' I wanted to punch her in the face. You know, I heard she gave Mike Newton crabs. Gross, huh?"

"Figures. What was she doing with Edward?"

"Giving him the ole' rub and tug, I imagine. She's annoying, but she's still got a hole for him to shove it in."

I chuckled at her frankness.

"Emmett said Edward likes to shove it in her mouth to get her to shut the fuck up," Rose added, laughing hysterically. "'Course I imagine he'd have to do that if he didn't want to get crabs."

I winced. Sure, Jessica Stanley was one of those girls who loved to talk just to hear herself speak. (God, she never shut up. EVER.) But picturing Edward shoving his cock in her mouth was not something I particularly wanted floating around in my mind. It just made me wanna rip every last piece of hair out of her scrawny head. In clumps. I faked another laugh at Rose's comment.

"God, there it was again." She leaned in close to me and inhaled deeply through her nose. "Jealousy. Definitely jealousy."

At first, I thought she was kidding, and she might have been, but the look on my face made the whole thing serious.

"Oh, God, Bella," she hissed. "It's true, isn't it? You fucked Edward?"

"No," I immediately rebutted. "No, we didn't fuck."

"Then, you blew him?"

"Why does everyone go there next?"

She raised an expectant eyebrow at me.

"No. I didn't blow him," I whined.

"What, then?" Rose's face was an urgent mix of excitement and anxiety. She wanted the fucking details, and she wanted them now. Then, as if there was a giant lightbulb above her head, her expression twisted into profound recollection. "Christ! It's you!" She took a deep breath as the thought fully dawned on her. "He's hung up on you. That's why he's out fucking the whole goddamned town. That's why he's quiet and distant. He's heartbroken.'

I froze. I didn't want to either confirm nor deny her allegation. I was pleading the fifth - and standing my ground.

"Oh, shit. It is! Oh My God!" Rose lifted her hands to her face and gasped. "You little slutty slut slut. How was it? Was it fabulous? The Cullen's are generous lovers, not that I would know personally about Edward or Carlisle, but from what Esme tells me -"

"Ahh!" I interrupted, playfully covering my ears with my hands. "I didn't fuck him, Rose."

"Then, what did you do?" When I didn't immediately answer, she took another swig from her Jack Daniels and shot me a glare. "Oh God Bella - what did you do?" Her voice lowered.

"I can't - I can't really tell you," I insisted, gulping the entirety of my shot in one swallow. "Technically, it didn't really happen."

"So something _did_ happen?"

"No. No, it didn't. Nothing did."

Rose grabbed that pillow she was playing with and smacked me on the shoulder with it. "Bella. You have to tell me."

"Why? Edward and I aren't getting together or anything. And I'm not breaking up with Jake." I stood, realizing just how hard three shots of Jack Daniels will hit ya right behind the knees, and wobbled over to the bedroom door. "I'm gonna go get some beer. You want one?" I saw this as my only opportunity to escape the conversation. I wanted her to get distracted, to ADD herself right on to a different subject. After I'd stolen two of Charlie's Coors Light out of the fridge and gone back upstairs, I realized how desperate that wish really was.

She acted like the whole evasion technique hadn't even happened. She grabbed her beer, cracked the lid and asked, "Why wouldn't you break up with Jake for Edward?" before taking a giant swig.

Rolling my eyes, I took a sip from mine and sat down on the floor next to my dresser. "Because -" I started. "Angry as I may be with him right now, I honestly love Jake."

Rose smirked and shook her head. "I have a confession to make."

"Oh yeah?" I snorted.

"Emmett knows what you and Edward did. He told him."

Even though it felt like a slug to the gut, I sort of saw it coming. In all honesty, I'd known at dinner when Emmett started to stand up for me. Emmett and Edward rarely kept anything from each other. They were twins; should I have expected anything different? "I figured."

"But he won't tell me."

My head snapped up at that. It was pretty much assumed that once Emmett knew something, Rose knew it as well. She had a knack for getting anything out of anyone she wanted, and Emmett had one big weakness located right between his legs. Anything Rose wanted, Emmett gave. "Why not?"

"Says it's not my business," Rose explained, rolling her eyes at the, in her opinion, absolute lunacy of that statement.

"He's probably right, you know."

"That's one of the reasons I came over tonight. Bella, I just gotta know."

"Why?" I whined.

"Because -" Rose smirked and eyed me shyly. "I would absolutely love it if you and Edward started dating."

I threw the pillow back at her. "Selfish. What about Jake?"

"What _about _Jake?" She argued, throwing the pillow back at me. "He's shipping off to Bumblefuck desert on the other side of the world. Where does that leave you?"

"Single. We're breaking up at the end of winter."

"Why hold it off?"

I shrugged. "I don't wanna lose him. It hurts too much to think about."

"You lost him back in June, and that hurt. I was there. But you got through it - rather well from what Emmett tells me."

I pursed my lips at that statement. "What exactly _has _Emmett told you?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Ohhh Quid Pro Quo - now who's the nosey one?"

"I'll tell you if you tell me," I bargained.

"Tell me first. What did you do? What happened?"

In my partially intoxicated state, I somehow lost my inhibitions. She'd pulled them right out from under me and I was powerless to stop it. Perhaps I was tired of carrying the burden alone, perhaps I wanted Rose's input, maybe I really wanted to know what Edward had told Emmett. Whatever the case, my lips started moving and the story poured right out of them. "She was correct, on all accounts. We spent pretty much the entire semester together." I took a gigantic sip of my beer. "And she was right about him sleeping in my bed. It felt - Well - It wasn't quite as lonely. We were best friends, the same as we'd always been, ya' know? Then, one night, things were getting a little heated between us, like kissing and groping, and then Jake called."

Rose gasped and covered her mouth with her hand, those beautiful blue eyes popping open as wide as they would go.

"What was I supposed to do?" I continued. "I'd been waiting for that call for months. So I answered it. Edward and I sort of . . . got into a fight about it and he didn't talk to me for a little while. On Halloween, we saw each other at the same party and fought some more and he said something about Jake not deserving me and I asked him what he would do if I broke up with him. That's when it happened. He picked me up and practically fucked me against the wall."

She was quiet for a few seconds, the pause pregnant with her exuberance. She was literally bursting at the seams. "Wait a minute - _Practically_?"

"He didn't actually fuck me."

"So you dry humped?"

My cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Christ. Thinking about it happening was bad enough, and now that I was actually talking about it with someone, well, it made it feel that much more real. It _had _happened. I couldn't ignore it anymore. It was the first time I'd admitted it to anyone, including Ang and Victoria. And I was _mortified_. "I suppose."

At first, she seemed speechless, staring at me with her mouth gaping open. Then she blinked a few times and laughed. "Wow," she finally exclaimed.

"Wow?" My eyebrows bounced up expectantly. "That's all you can say?"

"I'm just -" She shook her head as if shaking herself back to reality. "I'm impressed."

"What do you mean _impressed_?"

"He didn't fuck you, Bella. He - _wow_ - he must really care about you."

I rolled my eyes and faked-gagged. "He's out fucking Jessica Stanley and other potentially underage tramps. He doesn't give a shit about me."

"Yeah, just like you don't give a shit about him."

"I don't."

"LIAR!" she shouted, imitating the witch from _Princess Bride. _"LII-AARR!"

I licked my lips and giggled. "Besides, what kind of society do we live in where a guy only fucks the girls he _doesn't _like?"

"Um, twenty first century America? Dumb, isn't it?"

"Oh, the folly of the modern male," I added with a chuckle, which induced a snort from Rose as well. "Right, well. I've confessed my sins. Now you."

"When Emmett told me Edward wasn't coming to the party, I asked him why, of course, and he said that it had something to do with you, but couldn't say what. Which was stupid of him, I mean - Of course, that's only going to make me want to probe him for more information. I've been saying you guys should get together for ages now, so when Emmett said it had something to do with you, I pulled out all the shots to bribe him to tell me. I even offered him anal. Fucker wouldn't budge."

"Ew," I added casually.

But Rose ignored that outburst, just kept going along with her story. "Eventually, he said that something happened between you two - something monumental - something he thought was too crazy to talk about, but made up for why Edward wouldn't come. Then, Emmett told me that a few nights after you got home, he walked in on Edward staring out his window. Emmett asked him what he was doing and he shrugged him off, acted like it was nothing."

"So?"

"Bella, he was watching you sleep."

I winced.

"And theeennn," Rose continued with exasperation. "Tanya came over one night and tried to be all "Oh, Edward come back to me. Please. I'll suck your dick," and Edward pushed her away, kicked her ass to the curb. That's why she wigged out on you tonight." I was about to chastise Rose for sticking up for her, when Rose cut me off. "NOT that she had any right. I'm just sayin'. Anyway, he promptly threw on his coat and headed out to the bar. Didn't see him before I went to bed at two." She sighed and ran her hand over her face.

There was a silence between us that seemed to drag, both unsure of what to say next. Edward apparently had been greatly effected by what happened between us, much more so than he led me to believe. Had he been heart broken this whole time and didn't have the balls to tell me? Or had he felt like my decision not to break up with Jake was like me choosing the Marine over him? Having Rose tell me this broke something inside of me, something that needed Edward to repair itself.

Eventually, she chugged back the rest of her beer and crushed the can between her fingers, throwing into my trashcan. Then she looked at me expectantly, like she wanted me to respond to what she'd just said. So I did. "I can't break it off with Jake and start dating Edward. Can you imagine how bad that would hurt him? I don't wanna do that. He means too much to me."

Rose pursed her lips and ran her hands through her hair nervously. "Well - fuck."

"Fuck indeed."

"Bella, don't tell Emmett I told you any of this. He limits the things he tells me about his brother because he knows I'll tell you."

"So, that wasn't all Edward told him?"

"Not in the least. Lord only knows what's going on in that house right now after Tanya's little outburst tonight."

"Hmm. Wanna see?"

I stood and made my way over to the window, pulling up the blinds. I knelt on the ground and pointed to the top room on the left. Rose came and leaned over my shoulder from behind. "That one's Edward," I started. Then I pointed to the top right. "That's Carlisle." Making my way down, I pointed at each window on the ground level. "Living room, fancy dining room."

"So - let me get this straight." Rose cleared her throat and then choked a giggle. "You and Edward have spent the last four years being able to see right into each other's bedroom?"

I took a deep breath and sighed. _If she only knew the half of it. _"Something like that," I murmured.

"Uh huh," she replied, giving me a look that said I'd better come clean with her soon enough.

"What?" I retorted. "Just because we _can_ see into each other's bedroom doesn't mean we do."

"Last year when we had secret Santa, Edward said he pulled you. Obviously, he didn't give you a present before Tanya stormed out and you never mentioned him giving you anything either. Then, right around New Years, Carlisle took Emmett and Edward's credit cards away because _one of them _made a purchase from and said they were over 18, when they weren't. I know it wasn't Emmett, though Carlisle suspected he made the dildo for me to deal with his move to Maryland. And I know Tanya didn't get anything like that, the girl can hardly put a tampon in without feeling disgusted with herself."

_Busted. _

"That wouldn't have had anything to do with you, would it?" That Rose. Ever the perceptive little brat.

"No - Of course not," I lied through my teeth.

"Uh huh. And you just magically have a purple dildo buried in the back of your underwear drawer in a Create-a-Mate box?"

Scowling, I hit her arm and hissed, "Why are you snooping in my things?"

"I was looking for a pair of socks," she answered innocently, gesturing down to her feet.

I was actually pretty embarrassed, almost too shocked to form a reply. I knelt there staring at her, my mouth practically scraping the carpet. Catching flies - that's what my dad would have said right now. "It's not Edward's," I sputtered.

"It's not Jake."

"Okay, lots of things wrong with that sentence. A - how do you know what Jake's . . . _mate _looks like? B - How do you know enough about Edward's to say that it's his? And C - Why didn't you just ask me for a pair of socks? Or waited until I came back?"

"A -" she retorted in a mocking tone. "Remember that time I caught you two fucking in Mike Newton's parent's bedroom?"

"If only I could forget," I snorted.

"I always remember a pretty dick," Rose added playfully. "B - I do spend pretty much every waking moment at Edwards. Why do you think I haven't walked in on him whacking it in the bathroom or something? And I revert back to my previous answer. I always remember a pretty dick. And C - I didn't know you'd be hiding a replica of Edward's cock in the back of your underwear drawer. You've never had a problem with me borrowing your clothes before. I figured, 'Eh, what's a pair of socks?'"

"It's not Edward's," I reiterated in a snarl.

"Right, of course not," she sarcastically responded, throwing her hands up in surrender. Then, she stood and walked back to my bed, crawling under the covers as she padded the spot next to her. I groaned and took one last look at Edward's empty room before pulling the blinds back down and begrudgingly walking over to the bed.

"Don't say anything about what I told you, huh?" I demanded. "Especially not about -_ Dante."_

Rose started cracking up. "Oh, God! It has a name?"

"Inside joke."

"Uh huh. Well, I won't say anything," she promised, adding a little cross of her fingers over her heart. "Are you gonna tell Jake?"

I climbed onto the mattress next to her and ruffled the pillows under my head. "Haven't decided yet."

She finished off the rest of my beer and flicked the lights. "Make me a promise."

"Anything for you." And suddenly, the beautiful Rose before me was the thirteen year old version of herself, braces and everything. This was what we used to do when we were little, lay in bed together in the dark and talk and giggle our way through the night. Until Charlie would come in and tell us to go to sleep.

"Don't ever let me spend another Christmas Eve alone," she muttered. "And I promise I'll never let you be alone either."

I smiled. "I promise."

"Oh, Oh, Wait." She started laughing and grabbed onto my hands in the dark. "Make me another promise."

"What? What?"

"When you do eventually hook up with Edward, promise to call me first."

I started cracking up and pushed her hands back. "Not gonna happen."

"_Of course _it's gonna happen. It's already happening. Just you wait and see. I give it less than two years. In fact, by this time next year, something serious will have happened between the two of you. Maybe not sex, but the feelings will be there for sure."

When we finally stopped laughing, I sighed and continued. "That night - we don't talk about it. It never happened. And from this point on, you don't talk about it either. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it. But even you have to admit, it's incredibly obvious, Bella. You two make so much sense."

"Yeah, maybe," I mumbled, clutching onto the heart pendant Jake had given me last year for Christmas. "Maybe in another life."

All was silent for about two minutes before Rose started giggling like a little kid again and asked, "What do you think Santa will bring you for Christmas tomorrow?"

"Ugh - hopefully, a new sex toy," I said impulsively.

Then, I immediately regretted saying anything at all because Rose, without missing a beat, gasped and shouted. "Oh My God! You've used it?"

I just started snickering and rolled over to my other side. "Good night, Rose."

"That's like - That's like almost having sex with him."

"And that right there is the epitome of my relationship with Edward. Almost. We're almost everything and almost nothing all at the same time." And as I fell miserably into unconsciousness, I couldn't shake the all consuming knowledge that what I'd just said was by and by the truest words ever to fall from my lips.

_**A/N: So, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for reading. A lot of people have been saying they miss Edward, and I feel your pain. Rest assured, there is a steamy scene coming in the next chapter, which should be posted sometime very soon. Again, thanks for reading and please leave a review. **_


	11. December 31, 2005

**_A/N: Hello, again, after such a long absence. I've received a bunch of requests for me to finish this story, and I admit, I most likely will not finish it. I know the general idea of where this was going to go, but at this point, I've got no plans to move forward with it. I'm writing my own fiction as well as going to school full time and working full time. The thought of working this in somewhere seems impossible. However, I won't say never. There may come a time when I'm able to do it, and I've even thought about pulling the whole story altogether and rewriting it as original fiction. In the meantime, this is what I have. It's unedited and unbetaed, so take it easy on me in the reviews. Enjoy. _**

**_December 31, 2005-_**

Jake and I hadn't talked to each other since Christmas Eve. It was strange not having him around. I had just gotten used to his presence again when he decided I was no longer deserving of it. Or maybe he was just pissed at me and needed sometime to cool off. Or maybe I needed to go to him? I don't know; I was no good with relationship stuff - apparently.

Whatever the case, I spent my time shopping with Rose and picking out wedding invitations with Alice. I even broke down and went to see a movie with Angela to keep myself busy. She'd been spending most of her time in Port Angelos with Ben, so securing time with her had taken a few days of planning.

On another plus note, I'd gotten a lot of reading done. Each one of the books I needed for next semester had managed to make it to my house early, despite the general confusion surrounding the normal holiday shipping season. At six thirty on New Years Eve, I was laying in bed, reading the last chapter of _Dorian Gray _when my phone buzzed. I reached over to the nightstand, finishing my line before looking down at the cell.

_"There was a purification in punishment. Not 'Forgive us our sins,' but 'Smite us for our iniquities' should be the prayer of a man to a most just God."_

(Oh, Oscar Wilde, how your words speak to my very soul.)

I had expected the interruption to be Jake. It wasn't.

_"New Text Message. _

_Rose."_

I flipped open my phone and sighed.

_"You coming tonight?"_

I shut it, deciding not to answer her right now, and looked out the window to Edward's house. There was two ways tonight was going to turn out. I could doll myself up and head over to the party, which sounded disastrous, no matter which way it ended. Or I could sit here and read all night.

While _Dorian Gray _was a charming companion, making Edward and Jake drool sounded a little more up my alley. At the very least, I'd go and get drunk for free. That would be better than spending my New Years all alone in my room reading a book. If Jake didn't show up and Edward still insisted on being a douche, at least I'd come home too drunk to care about it. I'd even come home alone just to seal my cock tease status.

(Maybe I'd lock that door permanently for a little while. Celibacy couldn't be that bad. _Hah! _Who the hell was I kidding?)

Hell, Edward's party probably wouldn't be too horrible. I'd finally have an excuse to see Edward again and that was reason enough to go by itself. The full weight of his absence was suffocating. He really had become my best friend in that short time we'd spent together at Stanford and that meant more to me than anything else I could have felt toward him. I missed his face like the desert missed the fucking rain.

So I rolled my ass out of bed and headed for the shower. By eight thirty, I was adding the finishing touches to my makeup and slipping into my cutest jeans. My brand new Victoria's Secret push up bra accompanied by my nearly see through, black, glittery halter top made my boobs look spectacular. Fluffing my hair, I gave myself one last look in the mirror and smiled. I may not have been a ten, but damn, I cleaned up well.

I threw on my jacket and headed down stairs, clicking out the lights on my way. Tonight was the biggest night of the year for DUIs, so of course, Charlie was at work - probably wouldn't be home until five or six tomorrow morning. I locked my door on the way out and headed across the street only to see the enormous line starting to form outside chez Cullen. Apparently, a year away at college had no effect on the turn out of what had become most anticipated party in Forks High School history. Word must have gotten around about how awesome last year was, and everyone was determined not to miss the fireworks this time.

The bass from their hugely expensive sound system thumped through the walls onto the street. And, probably against his will, Emmett was manning the front door. "Hey!" he shouted when I made my way to him. "Well, look at you. All hot and shit."

I gave him a hug and smiled. "Look at you, all big and observant and shit."

He laughed. "Don't act like you rolled out of bed and had all that shit on your face."

I chuckled, brushing a piece of hair out of my face, and glanced inside expectantly.

"Uh huh," he teased, gesturing me through. "You'll have both of 'em on their knees by midnight."

"That's the plan," I said, shooting him a wink over my shoulder as I walked into the foyer. I immediately spotted Alice and Rose in the kitchen pouring a round of shots.

"HEY!" Alice yelled, waving me over to them. "You came!"

I nodded and took off my peacoat. "Wouldn't miss it."

"Wow!" Rose smirked, eyeing me from head to toe. "Well, hello gorgeous."

"Hi - sexy?" I responded awkwardly.

"You look like you're in the heartbreaking mood." Rose pointed up and down at me. I looked down at my tight black shirt that fell just above the waist line of my denim. Every girl has that one pair of jeans that fits _just right. _The pair that emphasizes your good parts and magically hides all the bad parts - these were said pair. I'd curled my hair, done my makeup and even thrown on a pair of heels.

Alice shoved a shot in my hand and smiled. "I say fuck him. I heard what Jake said. He deserves to have one more night of wishing he could get his hands on you." She clinked her glass against mine. "Cheers."

Smirking, I toasted her and tilted the liquor to the back of my throat. Jose. And damn it was rough. I'd practically become the town drunk at college, but I still hadn't gotten over that twinge of hard alcohol. Maybe I never would. "Whoa! Okay," I choked, slamming the glass down on the breakfast bar, only to have Rose do the same thing. "I'm ready for pong."

"Hell yeah!" she yelled. "Let's go."

"Great!" Jasper shouted. "I'm actually glad you're here. Edward and I have been running the table all night. We need some good competition."

"Is that code for I wanna go fuck my fiancee so someone beat me off the table already?" I asked, heading toward the basement door.

"You know me too well, Isabella Swan," he croaked with a laugh.

"Uh huh." I started walking down the stairs and, as soon as my head cleared the landing, I caught sight of him - all six feet of ungodly temptation. It nearly stopped my heart.

Edward was over at the beer pong table, of course, playing a short 'one on one' game with Mike Newton. It was weird; I knew his face so damned well and yet, you'd think it was the first time I saw him. His presence made me stop dead in my tracks. He was wearing a green button down, making his eyes pop, and his pair of "make my ass sexy" jeans. I'd been there when he bought them, and _damn _if they didn't make me wanna grab and squeeze - if you know what I mean. **wink wink nudge nudge**

"Don't cream yourself, Bella," Rose whispered as she walked around me, bumping my shoulder with hers. "So, Cullen. The reigning Pong Champion has arrived. What were you saying before about being unstoppable tonight?" She laughed and looked at the current set up. Mike still had five cups to hit and Edward only two.

_Plop. Plop._

Make that game over.

Then, those emerald eyes finally drifted over to me. He lifted his beer to his lips and took a sip. Maybe he hadn't intended on looking at me for very long because his eyes took me in, then quickly looked back to Rose. However, once he'd seen me, something snapped and his gaze shifted quickly back to my line of view.

"You ready to get spanked, Cullen?" I winked and walked over to the other side of the table, setting up the cups.

Instead of responding, he cleared his throat and starting racking his cups as well.

"So, Edward tells me you're a huge hit at college," Jasper started, pouring the appropriate amount of beer into each cup.

"A hit? What do you mean?"

"That you're knocking down college kids left and right with your _serious _super awesomebeer pong skills," Rose added in teasingly.

"Yeah," I started. "Yeah, something like that."

Edward licked his lips and laughed, rolling one of the balls to me. "Face off."

I positioned myself over the cups and aimed, immediately looking into his eyes. How amazing they were, and judging by the sudden twinge in my chest, I'd missed them a lot. "One, two, three," we chanted. Then, I let go of the ball and _Plop! _It went right into the front cup. Edward's hit the side of a cup and bounced off the table.

"Bella. I'm so happy you're finally here," Rose exclaimed, throwing her arms around my neck.

Jasper rolled the balls back towards us and took the cup off the table, taking a small sip. I handed one to Rose and stepped up, squatting down to take my shooting pose. I aimed, fired and hit the back middle cup.

"Woo!" Alice shouted from the sidelines. "Way to go Bella." Edward took the cup away and chugged it back, shooting me a small, curt smile. Then, he rolled my ball back to me and I went to shoot again. I aimed, took my shot, and BAM! Three for three this round. Rose threw her hands around my neck and gave me a big kiss on the cheek. "Bella, you're on fire tonight."

Jasper shot me a smile and grabbed the cup off the table.

"Take that, bi-yatch!" I yelled to the boys, throwing my arms into the air. Jasper toasted me in cheers, but Edward just glared at both of us.

"Wait until she gets hammered. She won't be able to walk, let alone kick anyone's ass on the beer pong table," Edward grunted.

I was about to speak up with some snotty retort, but Rose did it for me first. "Oh, what's the matter, Edward? Your panties in a twist? You getting all angry 'cuz a girl's whupping your ass?"

"Careful now, Cullen. Wouldn't wanna make you angry," I rebutted, cockiness intended.

"That's right," he added. "Bella doesn't like me when I'm angry."

I almost choked on my beer.

After I'd hit that last cup and won the game, Alice dragged Jasper upstairs. I assumed they were getting down to the engagement sex. (She'd told me she wanted to bring in the new year with a _bang - _get it?) Edward muttered, "Good game," grabbed his beer and gave me a toast of cheers before taking off upstairs.

I played two more games before I couldn't feel my face anymore. And then, I went to look for him. Just the slightest bit tipsy, (okay, a lot more than tipsy), I made my way up the steps, and WHOA! This place was fucking _packed. _ There had to be over a hundred people here, compared to the forty or so when I'd first arrived.

The first place I checked was outside on the deck.

And there he was. Sitting on the swing that his father had owned for years, smoking a cigarette. I chuckled and walked up to sit down next to him. "Hey," I murmured as I plopped into the empty space on his left.

"Hey yourself." He took a drink of his beer and pressed the cigarette to his lips. Inhale. Exhale.

To be honest, now that I was here, I'd forgotten why I'd gone to look for him to begin with. But I had to say something, so I muttered the first thing that came to mind. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing. What's up with you?" he replied casually.

"You're acting weird."

"Well -" He pretended to be offended. "You are weird. So what about that?"

I smirked and shook my head playfully. A few more seconds of silence.

"Heard you had a big fight with Jake," he muttered.

"Who told you that?" I responded sarcastically, crossing my arms and pulling my coat a little tighter around my body.

"I think you two were screaming loud enough for everyone in Forks to hear it," Edward somberly added. "What did you two fight about?"

I sighed and rolled my eyes, shaking my head. "What do you think we fought about?"

"Tanya tell him, then?"

"Yeah."

"And you confirmed it?"

"Something like that."

"Is it something _like _that - or is it that?"

"He knows about the sleeping together thing, but not about -" I stopped. I dare not speak of it.

"Halloween."

I took a deep breath and leaned forward on the swing, pressing my palms into the cushion on either side of my thighs. "It's not like we fucked or anything," I whispered, so low that only he could hear me. Brian Horton and Sam Wheeler were standing entirely too close for this conversation. "He doesn't need to know."

"You promised," he added.

"Yeah, I know I promised."

He took another drink of beer and sighed. "How are you holding up? Being back in reality?"

I laughed. "I'm - ahh - I miss Stanford."

He chuckled - honestly smiled and laughed.

"How about you?" I asked.

"Me?" He made a pft sound. "You know me."

"Yes, I sure do. That's why I'm asking."

He waved his hand at me as if to say I had nothing to worry about.

A few more moments of uncomfortable silence.

"Did you guys break up?" he snorted, referring back to the bet we made on the last night in California.

I shrugged. "Did you impregnate Jessica Stanley?" We were bantering - this was good.

"I wore a condom. I don't fuck around. That bitch is crazy."

"Ahh - just how you like 'em."

He smiled and took another sip. "Why are you here?"

"What do you mean? I come to your party every year -"

"No - Why are you _here?" _He pointed to the swing. "Shouldn't you be drinking with Rose or finding some revenge cock to suck?"

I brought one side of my mouth into a smile. "Why are you here?"

"Because I'm miserable, and I'm toasted, and this is my fucking house so I can sit wherever the hell I want."

"You wanna go for a walk?" I stood, stretching my arm out to him. "Emmett tells me your dad bought a new pool house. Though, for the life of me, I still don't know why you even have a pool. It's hot enough to go swimming like two weeks out of the year."

He smirked.

"Show me," I urged.

He heaved a deep sigh and looked up at me contemplatively, like he was seriously considering saying no. But, before the words could reach his lips, he grabbed my right hand with his and allowed me to pull him up. We walked down the stairs of the porch and over to the spot where the in ground pool had been. Despite the two feet of snow on the ground, a path had been cleared around it, leading back to the pool house that was covered in the same beige panel siding as their home.

"I don't have the keys," he muttered. "Or I'd show you the inside."

"That's okay," I replied. "It's nice. How far back does it go?" I walked to the side, in between the wall of the building and a giant tree trunk about three feet away. Edward followed. "Wow," I sputtered as I went deeper into his back yard. "This is pretty big. It goes back really far."

"Yeah," he murmured from right behind me. I could feel the heat from his body radiating against mine, the soft warmth of his breath pulsing down the back of my coat.

"Edward -" I reached behind me to feel for him, but I didn't have to search very far; he was pressed right against me. My heart raced and blood instantly rushed to my face. Hands shaking, I dragged them over the denim on his thighs, running them higher and higher until I was about an inch away from his cock. He grabbed my wrists to stop me and, suddenly, I was spinning. The next thing I knew, I was pressed against the freezing wall of the pool house with Edward's startling green eyes centimeters away from mine.

"What are you doing?" he hissed.

"You know what I'm doing," I blubbered in response.

His face was so close, every breath he took danced across my cheeks. "Why'd you lead me out into the woods, so very far away from everyone else?"

"I missed you. I wanted -" God, the contact of our skin felt good. It was sparks shooting down my forearms, electric shocks using my spine as a current wire - absolute euphoria. "I wanted to talk to you."

"So talk," he whimpered, softly kissing the side of my forehead. A network of electricity shot over my face.

"I - I -" I licked my lips and cleared my throat. "Now, I don't remember what I wanted to say."

He laughed. God, how I loved that sound. I shivered as it rang through me.

"Well, what do you know? I don't know what to say either." His palms stayed wrapped around my wrists as he brought them above my head, pinning me again the panel. "But I do know what I want." Knocking my knees apart with his, he pressed his pelvis closer to mine. His half hard erection slid against my clit in fabulous fashion, and, as if my body parts remembered the contact, my loins sprang to attention, moisture puddling almost instantly. "Do you know what you want?"

I tried to talk. I tried to say anything. But I found myself in a stupor, shell-shocked into silence by the whole experience. My mouth simply wouldn't move. It was freezing cold outside, sub zero degree weather, but the heat burning between us was enough to have me sweating under my peacoat.

"Do you want me to go down on you until you scream?"

Frozen. Burning. Anxious. Extremely turned on.

"Do you want me to fuck you, Bella?" More grinding and thrusting. He hissed these naughty things and hot breath shot down the front of my shirt, perking my nipples straight to attention. "How? Tell me how you want it."

_Anyway you'll give it. _

_Fuck! _

I shouldn't be thinking of things like that. I should be thinking of Jake. I should be trying to get him off me, I should have shoved him away as soon as he'd pinned me here. Before I could tell him to back off, to stop this before someone saw us, he spoke again and I lost all sense of reality. I became entranced with him, and the whole world fell away.

"Missionary?" He pressed his body harder into mine. "From behind?" The pounding my heart drew heavier, echoing into my head like an 808 drum. God, those lips were so close. I wanted to taste them, to draw them into my mouth, tease them with my tongue. "Or do you like to be on top?"

I managed a quiet moan in response.

"You know what I think? I think we'd both want it against the wall the first time. Rough and hard. I want scratches down my back and you want clumps of your hair in my fingers." Oh, Fucking God. He was using _that _voice - the one that I'd masturbated to on the phone over a year ago, the one that always stopped me dead in my tracks and flooded my underwear, the one I could pick out of a crowd because of the way it sent chills down my spine.

I tried to lean in to kiss him, but he pulled away. "Uh uh. Not yet." His grip tightened on my wrists, almost to the point of hurting - but, damn, how good that sting felt. My knees shook uncontrollably; I was sure I would have collapsed if he hadn't been holding me up. "Then, sometimes I think you'd like to be bent over that fucking beer pong table, hands tied up above your head, jeans pushed to your ankles." He grinned deviously. "Except, I'd be the one doing the spanking."

"Edward -" I tried to whimper.

"I'm not done talking yet." He licked his lips and then pressed them closer to my ear. "And sometimes I think about throwing you across the hood of my Volvo and eating you out until your legs shake, then turning you around fucking you senseless, right out in my driveway, so Jake could see who you _really _want." He laughed again, that sound resonating through my whole body. One hand trickled down my body, fingers slowing to dance over my breast. "But _right now_ I'm thinking about what kind of underwear you have on." When I didn't answer, that hand crept down to my waist. "Cotton? Lace? Silk?" A few painstaking seconds went by. "Commando?" Reaching around to my butt, he shoved his fingers under my denim jeans. "Lace boy shorts."

"They match my bra," I suddenly croaked, as if I needed to defend them at all.

His gaze trailed down to my boobs momentarily before returning to my eyes. "I bet they do."

I gulped.

"Did you like any of those things I mentioned?"

I started to come up with some witty response but before I could answer, his hand slid around to the front of my jeans and unbuttoned them. Then, he reached down in between my legs.

_Holy Shit!_

Holding back a gasp, I leaned into his touch and almost came right on the spot. The electric current that normally flowed over our skin-to-skin contact radiated from his hand in short, power bursts. It scaled the entire length of my body within seconds. I moaned and pushed my pelvis into his fingers. They trickled over my clit and my mouth fell open, an enormous moan barreling out of my mouth. I fell to pieces. My knees buckled, my nerves shot to life like they'd been hit with a defibrillator, and all I wanted in this world was his cock buried deep inside of me.

"I think you do." With that, he brutally ripped his hand away from me and leaned in really close to my ear. "Does _he_ get you that wet?"

I wanted to say no, I wanted to push this further, but it had already gotten far enough. My knees had practically turned to jelly, and if it wasn't for his hand holding my wrists above my head, I would have a heaping pile of unresolved sexual tension on the ground.

"When you go home tonight and you decide to fuck your _boyfriend_ - think about this moment right here. Think about how my hand felt between your legs and how my wet my mouth got you." He paused then, just for a moment, probably for effect. "How wet it always gets you."

"Who says I'm fucking him tonight?" I retorted.

"You're certainly not fucking me."

I pressed my pelvis harder against his massive erection, now throbbing between my legs. "You can't tell me you don't want to."

"I'm not the revenge fuck you need."

"Hey!" came a familiar voice from my right and Edward practically jumped five feet away from me. It was Emmett. "Just what _the fuck_ is going on back here?"

"Nothing," we both muttered at the same time.

"Right. Nothing. Nothing's ever going on between you two," Emmett said in a sarcastic tone, glancing between us suspiciously. "Jake's here. He's looking for you." With that, he shot a glare at both of us and turned to walk away.

Edward made a show of licking his fingers tips and shot me a wink. "Later Bells," he said before turning to follow Emmett back toward the house. He left me there. Absolutely startled and riled up. If there was such a thing as female blue balls, I had them and I had them bad. My loins ached to have his fingers on me again; they actually pulsated for more.

Then, the regret set in. I'd gotten thisclose to cheating on Jake, and even though we weren't talking right now, that didn't mean I wanted him out fucking strange girls - or even best friend girls. I had no right to be back here with Edward. I had no right to drag him this far away from everyone else and practically beg him to fuck me against his pool house.

More than that, he'd - he'd actually _denied_ me. He'd gotten me painstaking soaked, then let me hanging - just like I'd done to him months ago. Just like I done the night Jake called. And that made me low. On top of being a lying, cheating, slut, I was also a hypocrite and didn't like it when my own lessons were turned back on me.

You learned something new about yourself everyday.

After the shaking stopped and I pulled myself together, I made my way back toward the house with resolution. I'd make up with Jake, we'd finish out winter break together, and I'd deal with Edward when I got back to California. Back to the plan, I thought to myself. All will be okay if I stick to the plan.

But once I'd gotten it up the stairs of the porch and over to the sliding glass door, I had to stop just to take in the sheer and utter madness of the party. Emmett, Edward and Jazz had gotten in on the flip cup game, Rose and Alice were talking with - _sneer - _Tanya, and Ang and Ben had finally made it. I almost threw open the door and sprinted toward them.

But the big figure in the hallway stopped me. Jake.

He looked like nothing had happened. He was laughing with some guy either I didn't know or didn't remember. Judging by the crew cut, I figured it was a Marine buddy and someone I've never met. Jake smiled at something said and then glanced in my direction. Our eyes met.

At first, his face went blank, like he'd seen an imaginary monster or something. Then, he grinned and I knew he wasn't mad anymore. I gathered that he told his buddy he'd be right back because he whispered something to the guy and immediately headed my way. A few seconds later, the glass door slid open.

"Hey," he greeted and stepped out, closing said door behind him.

"Hey," I responded, my voice still shaky from the experience with Edward. I was sure he'd smell it on me - the betrayal, the guilt, the other male. I was sure it was a matter of seconds before he laid into me for the shenanigans behind the pool shed.

Now that we were here, face to face, I still didn't know what to do. It felt natural to hug him, like I should kiss him or something. But I didn't deserve that from him. I didn't deserve anything. What happened with Edward wasn't just some drunk, dry hump against a dorm room wall. What we'd just done hadn't been anywhere close to innocent or impulsive, like the way I saw Halloween. Edward had actually touched me, skin to skin. And I'd been left wanting, something I hadn't experienced the last time. Right now, all I wanted in the world was those fingers, so standing here with Jake felt like the worst thing in the world I could possibly be doing to him. He didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve him.

Jake looked like he was waiting for me to do something or say something, hell anything to break the ice. For the life of me, I didn't know what would be appropriate. He made the decision for me and wrapped his giant, comfortable arms around my shoulders. "You look cold," he whispered.

"Astute observation, Sherlock," I joked.

"What?" Jake snorted, rubbing his hands up and down my back.

"Nevermind."

"Hey, I'm sorry about our fight - all that stupid shit I said. I'm a dick sometimes. You know that." He kissed the top of my forehead and I nestled tighter into his chest.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too," I murmured, wrapping my arms around him.

"Can we - can we just start over? Forget about the time spent apart? I just wanna enjoy what's left with you." He pressed his lips to the top of my head and gave me a soft kiss. "I love you, Bells."

I should have said I loved him back, but decency wouldn't let me. How could I do that when I was just getting finger banged by his best friend minutes ago? Instead, I blubbered, "Are you still mad about the Edward thing?"

"No," he continued. "I talked to him about it. We're cool. We're square."

And then I felt really bad. He'd talked to Edward about it. What I would have given to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. He deserved the truth. So - without further ado - _Here goes nothing._ "Soo - I need to tell you some-"

But he cut me off. "Let's just forget about it, Bells. I mean - nothing happened between you two right?"

_Oh, nothing besides an episode of phone sex, the infamous Dante, the finger fuck behind the pool shed and the raging dry hump against my dorm room wall. Besides those meaningless trivial things - nothing._

"Right," I said, and looked up to met his brown doe eyes, forcing a smile back at him. We pressed our lips together momentarily, and I had this strong urge to tell him the truth, to tell him about everything. He'd be mad, but he deserved to know. He deserved that much from me. The guilt was almost eating me alive. But before I could break away to do just that, Emmett came barreling out of the sliding glass door next to us.

"FIREWORKS!" he shouted.

He was closely followed by Jasper, who smiled at us and held the box of mortars above his head. "This might be the year he actually catches the house on fire, guys. You wouldn't wanna miss it," Jazz muttered as he walked past. Once most of the people had filed outside for the show, I looked around for Edward and noticed he was suspiciously absent - as was _Tanya._

_Well, shit. That about settles that doesn't it?_

A tiny twinge flared in my chest, and blood rushed to my cheeks.

_WTF was that?_

Was I actually - _jealous? _ Yes, yes I believe I was. I had no right to be, that much was true. But I couldn't help it nonetheless. Tanya didn't deserve him, not that I thought I was any better for him, but not her - not with the way she treated people.

I'd seen someone else in Edward during our time in California, someone free of the restraints and the binds of a suffocating relationship. And that person had completely disappeared once we got home. _That _Edward was probably still sitting his Volvo, waiting to go back to Stanford. Just like the girl I'd left there, the girl who always snuck up on me mid coitus, who never failed to remind me of exactly how much I loved my best friend more than my boyfriend. This very same girl had been the one behind that pool shed. Not me. Not Forks Bella.

Christ, I felt schizophrenic. Maybe I needed to see a shrink.

As the minutes went on and neither Edward nor Tanya showed, it became more and more apparent that Jake would probably be coming home with me tonight - if only to spite the fucker who'd teased me earlier. And maybe Edward was only fucking around with Tanya to spite me in return.

_Whatever._

I simply couldn't handle it anymore. Between the lingering effects of blue balls - blue ovaries? - and the notion that Edward was in there working off his frustration with Chanel No. 5, I had to get out.

"You wanna go back to your place?" Jake whispered, nodding his head inside. Gosh, it was like he read my mind sometimes.

"Yeah, sure," I answered, trying to squeeze my way around the people to get to the kitchen. "What about your friend?"

"Oh - that's Paul," Jake explained, taking a step ahead of me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd, pushing and shoving people aside so we could get through. "I met him at Parris Island. He drove in to visit a few days ago from Seattle. I think he's fucking my sister." Jake punctuated that remark with a hearty laugh.

I started chuckling as we entered the hallway. "Really? And you think that's funny?"

"At least someone's getting laid."

I raised an eyebrow at him, indicating that comment wasn't really needed. "Which sister?" I finally added.

"Rachel," he said. "He's a good guy. Little angry sometimes, but Rach can handle that."

Then, we passed the living room, and time seemed to slow down - way, way down. Edward and Tanya were standing incredibly close to one another in front of the fireplace. He was enacting the good, ole fashioned_ lean, _his face growing closer and closer to hers by the second. While Jake was pulling me by the wrist toward the front door, Tanya was pulling Edward in by the collar of his button down, and all I could do was stare. Those fingers - the ones that were just down my pants twenty minutes ago - they traced down the side of her face endearingly, like she was made of porcelain. He lifted his gaze to me and frowned. My expression turned to stone - rock solid - empty.

Then, it was over.

I was going out the front door, Jake was pulling me under his arm, and when I looked back through the window, Edward was pressing his lips to Tanya's.

_Yuck._

The sight made my stomach churn.

Everything we'd been through, everything we'd promised each other, it all fell away in that moment. We were the foolish youth of America, and we were making the same mistakes over again, having learned nothing at all. I was ringing in the new year with my old boyfriend, and he was - _with her _- just as I'd predicted would happen. It was as if my vita nuova was a thing of the past, or simply had never existed at all.

The worst part about it was how right Edward had been. Jake and I fucked that night, and he fucked me hard, fucked me right. But I never got as wet as I did when I'd been mashed between the cold plaster of that pool house and the hot, fiery embrace of Edward Cullen's fingers.

The bastard.


	12. January 9, 11, & 31, 2006

**_January 9, 2006 -_**

I'd spent just about every waking moment with Jake that I could. He slept over most nights, and we fucked like bunnies. Each and every time with him got better and better. But, on this night, my last night in Forks, I'd sent him home around ten because I had to get up at five am the next morning. I'd promised Edward that I would take the first driving shift this time around and that meant I needed my sleep. Having Jake right next to me would only be a distraction all night.

The time was now eleven thirty, and I couldn't seem to drift unconscious, no matter what I tried.

Perhaps I was nervous about spending two days in a car with Edward, perhaps I was a little excited. Whatever the case, sleep was a precious prize I evidently didn't deserve tonight. Everytime I shut my eyes, my mind started talking - just yap-yap-yapping away about school and Garrett and that last phone call from Victoria.

She told me that something had happened to the person who owned the Frat House, and he hadn't made a will. The bank came a'calling for its property which meant that Laurent and Garrett were forced out. Being homeless, they decided to go in on the new place with James and Victoria. They'd picked another seven thousand square foot fixer upper, complete with ten bedrooms, a billiard, a drawing room, ten bathrooms, etc, etc, etc. The four of them got a hell of a deal because of how bad of shape it was in. The roof leaked and the basement flooded everytime it rained, but that was right up Laurent's alley, and James had experience with flooring, so they were sure to make a ton of money off it. I couldn't wait to see it.

Then, Victoria told me about Garrett's unusual peek of interest in my return, that she hadn't really noticed his particular affection for me prior to my departure. She suspected he had it pretty bad for me, or at the very least, he wanted to fuck my brains out, even though I was a freshman. So, whenever I was tired of frying small fish, the real man was ready for me.

Garrett - also known as Satan in a Sunday hat. Beautiful, definitely, but extremely dangerous. It was in the realm of possibility that, if I were to give it a shot, I'd fall head over heels, smack my head on the pavement in love with him. And he'd only break my heart. He was beautiful, the kind of beautiful you only see in Abercrombie & Fitch ads and the cover of romance novels. Those guys aren't supposed to exist in every day life. But there he was, despite himself, teasing me every day of my life at school. In addition to Victoria, I longed to see him as well. I'd never let myself think of him as anything more than a friend; I had enough boys vying for my eternal love. But he was a good buddy, one whose company was always welcome and well received. But damn if he wasn't so fine to look at. **Sigh**

I missed Ang too. I barely got to see her at New Years, and she'd been in Port Angelos just about everytime I called her. She and Ben had grown inseparable.

By midnight, I was so frustrated that I picked up my phone and scrolled down my contacts list to his number.

It couldn't be helped. The last good night of sleep I remember having included him at my side. If I was gonna drive in five hours, I desperately needed his help.

I decided to text him, just in case he was already unconscious.

_"Pst!" _I sent.

_"What?" _I got few minutes later.

_"Are you awake?"_

_"I am now."_

I climbed out of bed and looked out my window. There he was - in his bed - _alone. _I didn't even ask, I just threw on my jacket and boots, and trudged downstairs. Charlie wasn't able to get tonight off either. I wouldn't see him again until Easter. That knowledge made my house feel all the more lonely. As I ducked out of my door and down the stairs of my porch, I glanced over my shoulder to Jake's house.

It was completely dark.

I almost contemplated forgoing this plan altogether and going to my _boyfriend's _house. That's where I should seek my solace. But, the more I thought about it, the more I knew that he simply wasn't what I needed tonight.

I suppose I should have thrown rocks at Edward's window until he let me in, but I knew it wasn't locked. I burst through the front door, through the dark foyer and up the stairs. Carlisle wasn't home either, of course.

First door on the left, I barged through it. And there he was, laying in his bed, completely unsurprised that I'd just come over unannounced. It was almost like he had expected it. I was standing in his door, wearing a wife beater, boxers, snow boots and a pea coat.

"Hey," I murmured.

"Hey yourself," he murmured.

I took a few steps in and closed the door behind me, indiscreetly locking it as well. There was no telling where this night was headed - probably _not _down that road, but I didn't want anyone walking in on us regardless.

"What are you doing?" he whispered.

I turned and walked a little closer to his bed. "I - I couldn't sleep." I slipped the coat from my arms and threw it over the chair at my right.

"Are those my boxers?"

I smiled to myself. "Probably."

"So you couldn't sleep and you've decided to share your insomnia with me? Thanks."

"Don't be a dick." I smiled and took one more step closer. "You weren't sleeping either." I stepped out of my boots and climbed in to the empty spot next to him. Slipping under the covers, I ruffled the pillow under my head and scooted closer to his torso.

"What if I had another girl in here? What would you have done then?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

I wrapped an arm over his chest and tucked my head into the spot at his neck. That electric current, the one that startled me and soothed me simultaneously, rushed over my body. I was instantly at ease, the voices in my head subdued for the moment. "I would have kicked her out," I murmured. "I need you more tonight."

"Oh really? And just what exactly is it that you need from me?"

"Shh," I muttered, throwing one of my fingers over the general vicinity of his mouth. (Though, I'm sure I missed it completely because what I had my finger on felt more like a nose. But I digress.) "We've got to get up in five hours. Long trip back to Cali."

"The sparks? You missed your fucking adrenaline trip?"

"I haven't slept properly in a month. Can we just - Can we just pretend this is alright? Just for one night?" Sighing, I rolled away from him and nestled into his pillow a little harder. His sweet smell swirled around me, AXE body wash and pure Edward, and an overwhelming sense of relaxation took over.

_I was home. _

I could feel the bed move behind me, and a second later, he scooted in closer and wrapped an arm around my waist, pressing his chest to my back. "I'll wake you up at four thirty."

"I thought we didn't have to get up until five."

"You're gonna wanna be in your bed by then."

"Why?"

Silence.

"Edward, why?"

"It's a surprise."

I pursed my lips and sighed indignantly.

"Jake's gonna wake you up."

"How do you know? I told him I'd call him from the road."

"I - I just know."

"Oh yeah? You and Jake spend a lot of time together, do you?"

"Yeah, where do you think he was for that week that you guys didn't talk?"

"Over here?"

"Uh huh. Which makes this so much more complicated. You shouldn't be here."

"You two all buddy-buddy again?"

He hummed some vague noise and pressed his lips to the small of my neck. "The kid's just so damn lovable."

"Right?" I laughed and intertwined my fingers with his, my eyelids growing heavier and heavier until eventually, they closed for good. I was asleep within seconds. As unconsciousness closed in on me, I thought I heard him whisper something about loving me more, but I could have imagined that just as easily.

What seemed like twenty minutes later, I was being gently shook to life. "Bells," Edward murmured, pressing his lips to my shoulder softly. "Bells, you have to go."

"No," I grumbled, scooting closer into him with reluctance.

The deep rumble of his laugh ricocheted through me. "You've gotta' wake up."

My eyes forced themselves open. "What is it that he has planned that's so damn special?"

"Hmm," Edward mused before laying back on his pillows. "You'll just have to wait and find out, won't you?"

I grumbled and rolled over to face him. Something about waking up made me onry, and unfiltered. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Did you hook up with Tanya again?"

He licked his lips and smiled. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

That felt almost like a slap to the face. I was so angry at her for what happened at Christmas, and I suppose I had expected an ally in him. But, then again, he'd wanted me to break up with Jake just as much as she did, so I should have known better than to expect his sympathy.

"She had the balls to say what you'd promised you would but didn't," he continued.

"How'd she find out about that anyway?" I raised an eyebrow at him suspiciously.

"I didn't tell her, if that's what you're implying."

"Then who did?"

"Best turn to your roommate for that one."

"You're lying."

"Am I?"

I smirked, rolled my eyes and climbed out of his bed. "I'll see you in about an hour or so?"

"Meet you out front."

I had to admit, I'd been in his bed for just over four hours, but it was the best sleep I'd had all winter long. Being around him was comforting, like he was able to get rid of the thirty ton weight I had bearing down on my chest every day of my life. I'd come to call that weight "Guilt."

I made my way downstairs, out the front door and across the street to my house and I was in my bed for about fifteen minutes before Jake came barreling up the stairs. When he burst through the door, I looked up at him.

"Oh," he muttered, coming to a complete halt. "I thought you'd still be asleep."

"I couldn't. Nervous about leaving, I suppose."

"Damn." He came over and crawled in next to me, propping himself up on his elbows. "You should have called me. I would have come back."

"No, no," I comforted. "Jake, I kind of wanted a night to myself. It's fine."

He smiled and cleared his throat, pulling small, rectangular box from behind his back. "I know we said we weren't staying together past this winter, and I have to respect that. We need -" He looked down nervously and coughed again. "We need to grow up, and we can't really do that together anymore, can we?"

I took a deep breath and sighed. _ Christ, _this was hard. Though I felt like I needed to move on, I loved this guy more than anything, and he'd been so good to me. I'd treated him like crap. Hell, I'd just spent the night wrapped in his best friend's arms, and here I was, letting him pour his heart out. He'd always been warm and loving, a home to my heart. It'd always been his. But it was growing antsy in his grasp. Going to college had been an eye opening experience, and I now knew that there was a big, huge world out there, begging for my presence - _without _him.

"But," he continued. "I want you remember me fondly, and often."

He opened the box.

It was a small ring with my birthstone in the middle. My breath caught in my throat.

Oh no. God no. Please don't -

"You'll always mean so much to me, Bells." He pulled the ring out of the box and put it in the palm of my hand, and closed my fingers around it. "I'm not asking you to marry me. I'm just asking you to . . . think of me. Whenever you can."

And then I felt even worse. High school relationships weren't supposed to end like this, all hugs and kisses. High school breakups entailed screaming and throwing things and broken hearts - none of which was happening now. And that made me cry, the tears bubbling out of the corners of my eyes before I could stop them. Jake was so much better than me, so much more deserving of the great things love had to offer. Perhaps I saw this as setting him free, free to find someone more deserving of him.

I used to think that was me. I used to think we were made for each other.

Maybe I still did. Maybe that I was why I was so upset.

"You too, Jake," I whimpered, throwing my arms around his neck to pull him close, as close as I could get him. His smell swirled around my head and I relished in it for the moment. It was the last time I'd have this smell so close to me for a long time, a month at least.

"Don't cry, babe. It's gonna be okay." His arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer to him. We stayed that way for a few moments, just holding each other for dear life. As much as things were fucked up between Edward and I, I knew Jake always loved me. I knew he'd grow up to be a great husband and a great father. If I was smart, (which is questionable sometimes,) I'd stick it out with Jake as long as I could. He was the greatest catch I'd ever come along, and if it wasn't me, I knew he'd make some lucky bitch happy as hell.

After the sobbing stopped, I pulled myself together and brought my lips to his.

"No more crying, alright?" he cooed. "I'll come down next month to see you. We'll fuck our brains out. Then, we'll see where it goes, huh? You might not even want me by then."

I snorted a grunt that hinted at the lunacy of his statement.

"Now," he continued, pushing me back further on the bed. He climbed on top of me and rans his hands up my arms, latching onto my wrists above my head. "I know the last time we had sex, you came so hard you almost ripped a chunk of my hair out. But, I don't want that to be our last time together."

And by golly, it wasn't.

I was fifteen minutes late meeting Edward. By the time Jake and I meandered our way downstairs, Edward was already in the car waiting for me, engine running and cigarette half smoked. Jake carried some of the heavier stuff out and plopped it into the empty spot of the trunk. I threw a few bags into the back seat and turned to my marine, my beloved, the boy who'd meant so much to me over my entire life.

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pressed my lips to his again. "You take care of yourself over there, Mr. Black. Don't go being a hero."

He smiled and shook his head. "No medals for me."

"Promise?"

He nodded and kissed me one last time. "No guilt, Bella. Go have fun at College."

As much as I tried to suck it back, a tear formed at the corner of my eye and fell down my cheek anyway. "I love you, Jake."

"I know," he whispered. "I love you, too."

One last kiss and I turned for the Volvo. "Promise you'll still write me." It wasn't a question; it was a demand.

"Promise." He gave me one last smile and ran his hand over the back of his buzzed hair. "Goodbye, Isabella Swan"

"Goodbye, Jacob Black." I turned and headed for the drivers seat, but Edward shook his head and nodded to the passenger. Climbing in, I glanced over at him and wiped another tear away. "What? I thought I was driving."

"It's okay. I'll go first." His voice was hoarse, choked. He gripped the steering wheel, pushed the gear into first and peeled out, tires spinning a little bit before they caught and took off down the street. "Ugh, you smell like sex," he immediately groaned. "Didn't you shower?"

"Now's not a good time, Edward," I murmured, looking out the window to avoid his glare.

He smirked at me, but I couldn't bring myself to elaborate, or to focus on anything really, so I just stroked the heart hanging from the chain around my neck and twisted my new ring around my finger. Masking a sob with a yawn, I brushed more tears away and leaned back in the seat. Some part of me didn't want to believe it was actually over - that I was actually a free woman. That wasn't what hurt so much. Oh, no. That pain came right from the heart, and the more distance I got between Jake and I, the more it started to feel like I'd eaten a brick.

Long distance relationships were incredibly hard to maintain, no matter how much of your heart was devoted to it. And so Jake and I had decided to not make any promises to each other. I was a free agent for the first time in - well - forever. I should have been excited about it. I'd fretted over it all of last semester. I'd longed for it at some points. It left me free to pursue - _other ventures - _if I so desired.

But now that it was a reality? My heart was broken into a million pieces.

"You wanna talk about it?" Edward finally said.

"Not really."

And that was the last we spoke for a few hours. Eventually we pulled into a McDonalds/gas station combo and he turned the engine off, but he didn't get out.

"Did he tell you the why of it, then?" he murmured.

"Why of what?"

Edward's face twisted into an awkward grimace. "Obviously not. Nevermind."

"What are you talking about?"

"What do you want to eat?" he quickly answered, ignoring my question altogether.

"Edward -" I gripped his arm to stop him. "The why of what?"

He just shook his head and got out.

I narrowed my eyes at him and decided to drop it. He wasn't the only one feeling unforthcoming. "Egg McMuffin Meal, extra hashbrown with a Coke. And ketchup packets, please," I yelled out the window. I didn't know if he heard me or not, but when he came back, he'd ordered the right food regardless. We ate in silence and then kept on driving.

We didn't stop again until we got to that shitty, no tell motel in Oregon at about five thirty - the same one we stayed in on the way home. It was connected to a tiny little dive-bar ironically called The Drinkin' Hole, and set on the side of a mountain, so the view was absolutely incredible. This night in particular, the sunset was brilliant rays of purples and reds. It would have taken my breath away if I wasn't in such a foul mood. I knew I needed to pull myself out of it, but no matter what I did, I was such a mopey sop, a miserable fucking tumble of guilt and rage and heartbreak. Maybe when I got to Palo Alto and I saw Victoria I'd feel a lot better.

We rented only one room this time, one with two Queen sized beds because there was no sense in fooling ourselves; we'd just end up sleeping next to each other anyway. After checking in and getting our key, we opened the door to redneck paradise. It was probably even the same room we'd had the last time we stayed here. Smelled like it anyway. Plopping my stuff down on a bed, I pulled a pair of boxers out of my luggage, accompanied by one of my wife beaters, and headed toward the bathroom. As I shut the door behind me, he announced that he was going to get ice and would be right back.

_Yeah, okay. No rush._

Sighing, I hopped in the shower and tried to ignore the thoughts racing through my mind — particularly regarding what had happened on New Years Eve behind the poolshed. What was he thinking? What was _I _thinking, for that matter?

I'd been drunk, of course. Everything questionable that had ever happened between us happened while I was toasted. Wasn't I just a terrible lush? Or was he an insufferable jerk? Had he taken advantage of those situations? 'Course, he'd been three sheets to the wind on all occasions as well, more so than I sometimes.

Pot meet Kettle.

Okay, so _New Years Resolution - _stop drinking so much.

And stop crawling into his bed at midnight. That was a mistake - one that wouldn't happen again. I needed to stop letting myself get into those situations with him, stop letting him have this control over me. We were friends - very, very good friends. Now that I was a single lady, you'd think I'd want to jump his bones immediately. The fact of the matter was that I _did _love Edward. Sex between us would be spectacular, but I didn't get out of one relationship to jump right into another. That was the only thing I would want out of Edward - a loving, _committed _partnership.

Edward, on the other hand, wouldn't last five minutes in a relationship with anyone. Before things had even gotten bad between him and Tanya, he was fucking around on her, and I'd like to think I meant more than that to him, but I could just as easily be another girl, another notch on the bedpost. I had a feeling that would hurt more than anything else he could possibly do to me. So, if we weren't going to have a relationship, there was no sense pushing things any further than they'd already gone. (That's what I was going to tell myself, anyway.)

I decided that being single, definitely single, for the time being was the way to go. School needed to most of my attention. I had to get my priorities straight.

That being said - there'd be no more sharing a bed with him, no more getting drunk and slutty, no more _Dante, _who would be meeting the trash as soon as I got back to college.

Full of resolution and determination, I got dressed and came back out to the bedroom where Edward was standing by the tv, pouring himself a drink. He stirred it a few times, then brought it to his lips for a quick sip, that adorable tongue jabbing out to catch anything left over. A surge of energy tightened between my legs and my heart sank to my feet. I was so fucked - incredibly fucked. My determination leaked right out of me.

_Focus, Bella! _ I shouted to myself.

I charged to the bed closest to the window and grabbed the remote, flicking on the TV. Distraction. That's what I needed. He sat down on the other mattress and handed me, what appeared to be, a screwdriver.

My hand reached out to take it, even though I'd just sworn to stop drinking.

Well, fuck it. It would take the edge off. "Thanks," I said after taking a sip.

"No problem."

A few silent minutes went by as I flipped through the channels, finally landing on "Twister."

Taking another swallow of my drink, I glanced over to him and scaled the length of his gorgeous body. I eyed his short bronze hair, strong jaw, his broad long torso and equally glorious legs. But then my eyes trailed back up to his dick and froze.

_I wonder what it looks like._

Like any other dick, I imagined. But it was Edwards, and therefore special, and something I wanted desperately but couldn't have, forbid myself to have.

Call it having a couple of sips of a very strong drink, call it driving fatigue, or real fatigue. (I was going on about four hours of sleep.) Whatever possessed me, I involuntarily licked my lips in curiosity.

_Um! Hello! You broke up with your boyfriend like twelve hours ago, not to mention the semi-promise you made about being single. Stop thinking about your best friend's cock! What the hell is wrong with you?_

He must have felt my eyes on him because he glanced over at me and sighed.

_Busted._

"What?" he barked.

"Nothing," I hummed and adjusted my gaze back to the television.

"Nothing - right." Edward choked a laugh and swung his legs out to the side, sitting up to face me. "Twenty questions. Ready. Go." Before I could answer, he started. "What are you staring at?"

"I was wondering what your dick looked like," I answered quickly. I was immediately shocked by my honesty. Well, that had no problem just slipping right out of my mouth. "Why are you acting so weird and awkward?"

"You spent the last month fucking my best friend. And if you want to see it, all you have to do is ask. Did you guys really break up?" Edward continued.

"Yes. But -"

"Then, what's that monstrosity hanging around your neck?" he interrupted.

I immediately clutched it in my fist. "My birthday present. You've seen this before."

"Why are you still wearing it?"

"I like it, alright? And I've been fucking your best friend for five years, Edward. Why so sore about it now? Besides, you told me at school that he was closer to Emmett anyway. What the fuck changed?"

He glared at me for a second, debating whether or not to answer the question. He ended up saying, "Nothing, except the fact that you were crawling in _my _bed this morning, not his. How do you know it didn't bother me before?"

"You never said anything. But apparently it did, and you kept your mouth shut," I stated simply. "Why?"

"I thought Jake was a good guy."

"Why do you keep saying that?" I groaned with a flagrant air of annoyance. "What? He's not_ a good guy _anymore?"

"Not by a long shot, but it wasn't your turn. Now, I get two." Crossing my arms over my chest, I shot him a glare but he continued anyway. "Did you fuck Jake this morning?"

"Break up sex."

He winced. "Did you like it?"

"Yes. What did Jake ever do to you to make you hate him so much? - _Besides_ love me?"

Edward sighed and looked down to his screwdriver, lovingly. "Drink and pass. Ask me something else." He took a swig and averted his gaze to the ground between us.

"We don't play that way."

"We do now," he snarled, his eyes snapping back up to me.

"Fuck you, Cullen. Stop saying shit like that if you're not going to explain it."

"Did you tell Jake about Halloween?"

"No. Did you?"

"You promised, Bella."

"Explain to me why that's a good idea. It would kill him."

"And maybe he deserves it, ever think of that?"

"I thought you were back to being friends with him? _He's too damn lovable, _right? Right?!What the fuck is up with you? One minute, you're hot, the next you're cold."

"You're the one to talk. It's like you're stuck on PMS or something."

"Fuck you," I snapped back, my tone like acid. "I don't wanna tell Jake because it doesn't matter anymore. The truth would only hurt him at this point. He's gonna go off and fuck dumb tramps at Parris Island and play with guns and shoot terrorists, and I'm - I'm -" _A terrible mess. _Just thinking about Jake fucking other girls flared a jealous stab inside of me.

Edward's eyebrows rose expectantly.

"I'm -" I tried again.

"You're, what?"

"I'm gonna go back to Stanford and fuck dumb tramps too," I gritted out. It was probably a lie, but fuck it. Every girl needs a few one night stands under her belt, right?

His lips twisted into a small, devious grin and he took another drink. "Sure, you are," he snorted sarcastically.

"So, you can stop being a little bitch about it anytime now. We broke up. You should be thrilled. Just because we don't hate each other doesn't mean it didn't happen."

"Whatever. You'll be back with him as soon as he calls and says this whole 'separation' thing isn't working out." Edward glared at me, his lips tight and eyes narrowed. "You think it was easy for me to watch the two of you together?"

"Why do you care? You were out fucking Jessica Stanley, who I hear gave Mike Newton crabs. So - good luck with that."

He seemed shocked at first, unsure of what to say. Then, he just shook his head and looked down to his lap. "I didn't get crabs. I didn't even fuck her."

"You're a horrible liar."

"So are you."

"Well, aren't we a fucking pair?!" I growled.

A few minutes of stifling silence went by.

Then, I found the nerve to ask, "why do you watch me sleep, Edward?"

"Why can't you sleep unless you're in bed with me?"

I raised my glass in toast to him. "Touche."

He nodded and rose, walking over to his luggage. He pulled out a small, rectangular wrapped package. It was about an inch wide and two inches long, half an inch thick. "What the hell is that?" I murmured.

"Your christmas present." He tossed on the bed next to me and grabbed his jacket. Shoving it up his arms and onto his shoulders, he grabbed onto the door handle. "I'll be in the bar if you need me."

"Sure. Go ahead. Get some local tail," I snorted. "Fuck it all away."

He completely ignored my petty, shitty comment. "You'll need your laptop to listen to it," he whispered before walking out and closing the door quietly behind him.

I immediately ripped the wrapping paper off Edward's present. It was an SD card with a little piece of paper folded up and tucked inside the case. It contained a list of tracks written in Edward's awkward, messy handwriting.

"Track Three. - Taking Back Sunday - Bike Scene

Track Five. - Foo Fighters - Best of you

Track Eleven - The Cars - My Best Friend's Girl

Track Twelve - Something Corporate - I Kissed a Drunk Girl

Track Fifteen. - Counting Crows - A Long December

Track Twenty - Taking Back Sunday - Liar"

This emo fucker made me a goddamned mix tape.

**_January 11, 2006 2:35 am -_**

I fell asleep alone that night, deciding _not _to check out the present on my laptop. The list of tracks was bad enough, I could only imagine what was on the rest of it. That was something better saved for when I wasn't sharing a room with it's maker - who had yet to make his reappearance. A month apart had fucked our relationship in unimaginable ways. Time spent at home had only made the blurry lines between us more fucking blurry. Now, we yearned for one another, but resented one another at the same time. And we were jealous and possessive and just plain fools for each other, really.

We were passion - in all its vibrant and ugly glory.

My subconscious knew that and started fucking with me, just for the fun of it. I was halfway into a wet dream about him. Of all the dirty things he whispered to me that night against the pool house, the one about me being on top of his car stuck with me. In the dream, he'd won a bet that mandated I wash the Volvo in my bikini. I barely got the hood covered with suds before he crept up behind me and ran his hands over my back and down my spine.

_"You look good bent over the hood of my car," _he purred.

_"You look good standing behind me bent over the hood of your car."_

His hands wrapped around my waist and fell to string on my bikini bottoms. He worked the knot free and let them dance down my legs to the floor. Just as he pressed his lips to the base of my neck, his finger stroked over my clit and a loud moan barreled out of my mouth.

There was a loud creak and shift next to me. Like the bed was moving. Except, I wasn't on a bed, I was on his car.

A throat cleared and the distinct aroma of tobacco and cheap scotch swirled around me. My eyes snapped open and I lifted my head off the pillows, immediately looking towards the source of the smell. Edward's thigh was centimeters from my face. He was sitting against the headboard, smoking a cigarette and staring at the TV.

"Jesus christ," I groaned, startled. "You scared me."

"Hmm," he murmured. "Sorry I woke you. Was I any good?"

I laughed a little and rolled over, my heavy lids closing again. "Fantastic."

That was the last I remember. I should have been mortified, but he frequented my dreams often enough last semester. This probably wasn't the first time he'd caught me saying his name as I slept.

I didn't wake up again until Edward's phone started buzzing around seven. I was laying on my side, facing the interior of the room. He was definitely behind me, arm draped over my waist and erection pressed into my thigh. The sparks were a such a soothing current as they danced over my skin that I admit I was tempted to put that damn thing poking my leg to good use. But after yesterday, that didn't seem like the right thing to do.

No, things between Edward and I were on the back burner for the time being. I had to shake him, I had to get him out from under my skin. He was nothing but a bad decision waiting to happen - Trouble with a capital T. And he was bound to break my heart because I'd become so attached to him. No, I wouldn't let him do that to me.

Distance. I needed to push him away for now.

And I was definitely buying a new dildo the first chance I got.

"Time to go," I mustered, climbing out from under his grasp. "I'll drive."

I didn't turn back to see his startled reaction or his mess of gorgeous bed head hair looking around for its bearings. It always made me wanna run my fingers through it first thing in the morning, and that was a bad route to take right now.

We were on the road by eight.

Aside from stopping occasionally for food and the bathroom, we spent most of the day driving silently. We didn't talk about last night, we didn't talk about New Years Eve, and we definitely didn't talk about this weird void that had grown between us. God, I'd said some pretty horrible things to him, especially about his _extracurricular _activities. Why should I care who he screws? I wasn't his girlfriend, I wasn't even fucking him. So, why did I give a flying shit?

God! Why did he make me feel like this? So conflicted, so unsure of myself.

The fight last Halloween rattled through my mind, intertwining itself with the most recent one. The fact that we'd grown so close last semester made seeing Jake and I together difficult, I understood that. But, he knew what he was getting into before anything happened between us. We established that on Halloween, right? Sure, before I'd gone and let him dry hump me up against the wall. Or before he stuck his hands down my pants. Whenever I'd found the courage to shoot him down, I'd just gone right ahead and done something to reenforce the behavior.

_God damn it! _I'd really gotten myself into a pile of steamy shit this time around, huh? Just call me the Queen of mixed signals.

I'd called him a bitch - a little bitch in fact. I'd told him I intended on fucking tramps, and that probably wasn't true. I'd said hateful things in that moment of anger, things he probably didn't deserve.

"Hey, Edward?" I started, my voice nervous and small.

"Huh?" he grunted, not bothering to look up from his laptop.

"I'm sorry," I sputtered. "About everything. About Halloween and New Years Eve, and Jake, and - well, all of it. From this point on, we're just friends, alright? I'll stop _teasing _you, if that's what you think I'm doing. We're not supposed to be togeth -"

"Still a spoiled brat, eh?" he interrupted.

_- Ahh - What? Come again?_

Here I was pouring my heart out, and he was insulting me? What the motherfuck?

"You think this is your fault?"

He must have seen the confusion on my face.

"At least give me some credit here. I've put in a good fifteen years of detailed planning and careful coercion to get us where we are today. That wasn't all you, sweetheart."

"What?!" I shouted, anger boiling through my tone.

I could tell he was trying to be facetious, but I didn't want to hear how he'd planned on getting into my underwear long before he'd actually gotten anywhere close. It seemed easier to believe we were both children of circumstance, that we'd gotten into this mess based on sexual attraction alone. I punched him in the bicep as hard as I could and grunted, "What do you mean - _planning_?"

"What? Did you think I came back to your room on Halloween just to work things out? Or that I didn't know what was going to happen the minute you asked me to show you the pool shed? I wanted to fuck you, Bella. You've always known that. "

My jaw squared and I glared at him momentarily, my fingers tightening around the steering wheel.

"Aww, you didn't want to admit it, did you? You're adorable. Don't ever lose that naivety. It's terribly precious."

"Oh, now you're mocking me? Keep it up, Cullen."

"Or you'll do what exactly?"

He had me. I probably wouldn't do a damn thing, and he knew it. I hated that he put me in these situations, and I especially hated how he made me feel - helpless like I was anxiously awaiting his every whim so I could adjust my life around it.

"Let's just go back to awkward silence before we make it worse, huh?"

"You're a prick, you know that?"

He glared at me for a moment, like something was on the tip of his tongue, but he never said it.

"I hate you," I said with some sense of finality. And it was true. I absolutely loved him with the same amount of intensity as I hated him.

It was late when we finally made our way back to the parking lot at Stanford. Then, we had to trek it a few blocks to the dorm, trailing most of our luggage behind us. When we finally got there, I unbuttoned my coat and exhaled on a sigh, like I'd been holding my breath for the last month and I was just now able to let it out. Call it the California air, call it my first scent of freedom, call it whatever the fuck. I clutched Jake's necklace and headed up the stairs to the dorm, swiping the security card to let Edward and I through.

We hadn't said a word to each other in over three hours. Saying things were weird between us was an understatement. You could cut the tension with a butter knife. We rode the elevator up to the third floor and, without even so much as a goodbye, he headed left to the boys side. I headed right.

I wasn't surprised to find my room empty, completely empty. All of Angela's things were still gone, suggesting she wasn't here yet. Shrugging, I took off my jacket and started scouring my luggage for my bedsheets. Driving all day was exhausting as it was, but being stuck in the car with Edward was even more tiresome.

I'd never hated him more than this moment.

I thought about calling Jake to vent about it all, to tell him what a horrible friend Edward was and he'd be better off leaving him alone. Jake had done nothing but prove how much I meant to him to me over this winter break. A huge chunk of me missed him already, and it'd only been a day.

Before I could reach out to the phone, my door swung open and Edward trudged through it.

"They're fucking," he groaned.

"Oh," I murmured, laying down on my bed making sure to position myself so he couldn't climb in behind me. I didn't even bother to take off my clothes; I was too exhausted for all of that. It was silent for about five minutes and then I heard the distinct sound of heavy furniture being slid across the tile. When I opened my eyes and looked around, Edward was dragging Angela's bed over next to mine.

"Acquio King Size," he muttered before collapsing in it next to me.

I couldn't hide the smile. Leave it to this fucker to bust out Harry Potter when I'm trying to stay mad at him.

"Goodnight, Bells."

"Goodnight, Cullen."

**_January 31, 2006_**

Ang and Ben had decided that they needed to start spending more time with their friends - or they were taking a break, or something. (I'm a horrible listener sometimes.) She was around more often than not these days. Which was great, for me anyway. She was the most awesome distraction in the world. We'd go to the gym after class whenever we were feeling motivated, and we relied on each other to get out of bed in the morning. Six am comes quick. Sometimes, we even pretended we were twelve again and played dress up. We put on little fake fashion shows with the full length mirror she'd brought home. We hung it on the wall by the door, covering the spot where Edward didn't do that thing he did to me.

Speaking of Edward, I still hadn't talked to him since the night we got back. That talk at the motel changed a lot of things for me. Why did he keep saying Jake wasn't worthy for me? I mean, the answer was glaringly obvious, and for the time being, I was choosing to ignore it. I asked Rose about it, but she didn't seem to know anything about Jake being _unworthy _of me, unless he did something at Basic Training, but Emmett would have mentioned that, she said. So, who knew what Edward was talking about?

Just another reason I hated the stupid boy. ("Makes dubious statements" is right under "Gets me so fucking turned on," and "Has perfect fucking hair _all the damned time,_" on the list of Top Ten things I Hated About Him.)

I was still a little confused about everything to be honest. I was pretty sure he was the one who told Tanya about the sleeping together thing, knowing she would tell Jake. I asked Ang about it, and she said she hadn't spoken to Tanya since the sixth grade. She didn't even have her phone number, which meant that Edward lied to me about that.

Fucker.

And on top of everything going on with that Stupid, Jake and I were reduced to awkward conversations and silent phone calls. I felt a certain responsibility to tell him about Edward and I, but felt like it wasn't worth the fight it would cause. Keeping this big secret from him was killing me, especially now that we were broken up. Somehow, it seemed harder now, like I should have told him while we were still together, like carrying it around to the end was more despicable than the act itself. Despite the romantic bullshit, I felt myself pulling away from him. We didn't have any of the same interests any more, and the simple fact remained that he wasn't _here. _We were living two different lives, and the harder we tried to stay relevant with each other, the harder it seemed to stay interested in what was going on with him.

This major shift in our relationship was taking some getting used to. My heart was twisted in a million different directions, and Jake was at the center of it all.

So, on this day, I was frumping my way into British Literature, thinking about the top ten reasons I hated Edward Cullen when I took a look up front and realized who my new TA was going to be. Molly had been eight months pregnant when the semester started and went into labor just two days ago. Her replacement tickled me more than anything else I could have asked for.

Garrett and I made eye contact as soon as I walked through the doors, and it was terribly difficult to resist the urge to run right up and throw my arms around his neck. Instead, I waved and took a seat a few rows behind him. I spent most of the lecture staring at the back of his perfectly gorgeous head. It was a shame he dyed those short curly locks brown. I bet he was adorable as a blonde. Not that I have anything against brunettes, but Garrett - he was a sight for sore eyes no matter what his hair color was.

When lecture was over, I had discussion down the hall and I half expected Garrett to carry on as if he didn't know me. Much to my surprise, he marched right over and threw an arm over my shoulders. "Well, look at what the cat dragged in," he smirked, planting a chaste kiss on my temple.

"Hey buddy!" I mused in return. "What'd you do to get this gig? Fuck the Dean's daughter or something?"

He snorted a laugh. "I'm counting it towards my Masters. I'd rather do this than teach inmates."

"Well, good to know the choice is between Freshmen and convicts. Makes you feel valued."

He laughed at that too. We started heading toward the exit and turned right towards the discussion rooms. "Did you finish the reading already?" he asked, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder.

"Of course. _Did you?_" I was being a jackass. He was the TA, of course he'd done the reading.

"I've read all of these books a hundred times. Written just as many papers."

"Same here."

"Then, why'd you take this class?"

"I need the credits. Duh."

"Uh huh."

"But, lucky for me, I have the most adorable teacher's assistant in the world, so I need not try too hard to pass."

"Hey now," he replied. "Don't go getting the idea that I'm gonna' go easy on you just because of our friendship."

Before I could even stop myself, the words came spilling out of me. "No, of course not. Not you. I'd never expect you to go easy on me with anything," and thus created the most awkward moment between us to date. His eyes popped open to the size of quarters, the cutest little nervous smile gracing his lips. And those dimples, oh those dimples. How I wanted to lick -

_Celebacy, Bella!_

"This the part where you say something back," I suggested playfully.

"Better get to class," he sputtered, pointing toward the door. His eyes shifted away from me anxiously, refocusing on the floor between us. Damn he was adorable, such a big contradiction, him. He was built like a brick shit-house and hugging him was like wrapping your arms around a wall. He was tall, at least six two, and had the best ass I'd ever seen, especially when he sported jeans and nothing else. And those abs - god those abs. The very first time I saw Garrett without his shirt on, I almost dropped the beer I was holding. Good thing I didn't, I'd have given myself away. (As if my gaping jaw didn't already do that.)

God damn, this no-sex thing was getting to my head already. Three weeks and I'm already sizing up everything on two legs. (Maybe Edward had it right all along, maybe there was something to that 'fucking dumb tramps' theory.)

Not quite sure what to do next, I shot him a smile and walked into the classroom. Taking a seat at the back, I pulled out my notebook and my copy of Dorian Gray. Garrett sauntered in a few seconds later, propping his book bag up on the end of the teacher's desk.

"Alright, everyone. Let's get started," he announced, clapping his hands together enthusiastically.

And that was it. That was how everything came tumbling down around me. It was this moment, as I sat there staring at those bright green eyes and that exceptionally sculpted body, that I realized I had a little crush on Mr. Garrett. I started hearing "Hot for Teacher" play in the back of my mind and I imagined walking right up to that desk, whisking everything off it with one stroke of my arm and throwing him down on top of it. Our lips would meet with a fury of passion, sucking and licking at every inch of skin they could find. I'd rip open his polo, buttons be damned, and climb on top. Two quick movements down below and he was inside of me, rocking and thrusting and kissing and -

"Bella." Garret's voice bellowing my name brought me back to reality.

"Desk," I sputtered, distracted. "Wait - What?"

"Why don't you do a little recap of the major points from today's lecture?" he repeated, giving me an awkward squint of his eyes.

I looked around nervously before coming up with a few things to say. Only after class, as I walked back to my dorm alone, would I fondly look back on that daydream and giggle. I may or may not have used Dante later that day with the scene stuck on loop in my imagination.

Maybe the cure to Edward and Jake wasn't distance - but distraction. At least until I got their taste out of my mouth. I wasn't talking about love. I was talking about fucking - pure, one hundred percent feral sex and absolutely no emotions whatsoever.


	13. February 13, 2006

******_February 13, 2006._**

It was Garrett's birthday and they were throwing a big howdy-to-do over at the run down mansion. I wasn't sure what the exact limitations were on the whole teacher/student outside the class room conduct rule, but I figured he was my friend before he was my teacher - so - fuck it. I was going whether it was appropriate or not. I couldn't stay out too long, or get too drunk. Jake and - _sneer -_ Tanya were coming into town tomorrow. They'd spent all day today driving through Oregon, and they were only a few hours away when they decided to stop to rest. They'd be at my dorm by nine am tomorrow morning. So, in addition to be anxious about seeing Jake, I got to be annoyed all night about Tanya coming for the visit as well.

At the very least, I'd get to see Edward, and that in itself should be an interesting encounter. He and Garrett had been practically inseparable since we got home. It'd been a little over a month since _I'd_ last seen him. I wasn't sure if he was still pissed about everything, but it didn't seem to matter anymore. I had to get him out of me, had to distance myself from him. He was trouble, had already turned my life upside down, and I couldn't let him continue to do it.

I wanted to see who I was – _without _Jake and Edward.

I focused on my school work, tried not to go out and party too much, and generally stuck to my New Years Resolution of "not getting drunk and acting like a dumb ho." So far, that was working out for me. Besides, I was pretty sure he and Garrett went out prowling for college aged tramps most of the time. At least that's what Victoria told me. Neither Garrett nor Edward would confirm those allegations, and I barely saw him at the dorms anymore to assume otherwise.

I started to look forward to Brit Lit on Tuesday mornings. Not only did Garrett and I sit together for lecture, but I got to stare at him for an entire hour and a half afterward. I'd played out countless scenarios involving his desk, the ruler, and sometimes the eraser. In my head, we'd fucked a million different ways in a million different places. Sometimes the other students watched, sometimes they didn't. Sometimes Garrett just fucked me, sometimes I hid behind his desk and sucked him off while he was trying to teach.

Well, that was a bit TMI. Suffice to say, I spent more time daydreaming about my teacher than I did actually paying attention to my forty thousand dollar a year education. So when I managed to ace every test we'd had so far, I couldn't help but wonder if there was something to what I'd told him on the first day. I wondered if he was passing me because of who we were outside of Brit Lit. Maybe it was some mixture of the two.

Ang and I arrived to the birthday party around ten o'clock, just as everything was getting ramped up. The new place was absolutely amazing, and I said as much the first time we'd come to visit. It was a helluva lot nicer than the last place they lived, even if it still flooded when it rained - which it almost never did. When you came in the front door, there was a huge staircase off to the right and an amazing foyer that opened up into the first living room on the left. There was six bedrooms upstairs and another four in the basement - or at least there would be once all the work was done.

I wasn't sure how they all got the money for this place, nor did I bother to ask. I figured they each had a sizable amount of chunk change from a trust fund or something like that.

"Hey!" Garrett shouted when we got to the dining room, which was at the end of the foyer and to the left, next to the huge living room. "You made it!" He was looking pretty sextacular in his dark green button down and beige cargo pants.

"Of course, I made it!" I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a hug. I gave Victoria and Laurent the same treatment. James and I never really hit it off that well. (It wasn't that I didn't like him, I thought he was a nice enough guy and all. I just thought he didn't like me for some reason. Ever get that 'I'm a creepy weirdo' vibe from anyone right off the bat? Yup, got it from James everytime I saw him. He's just such a lurker – alright, I'm getting off topic.)

The pong commenced shortly after that, and being that it was Garrett's birthday, he picked me as his partner for the evening, and no one could take me away from him. (Sounded just fine to me.)

Victoria and James teamed up to take us in the first round, and once we'd beaten them, Angela and Laurent stepped up to the plate. Of course, we knocked them down too. We were unstoppable, and four games into the night, I knew I needed to take a breather. My head was swimming, my knees were a little wobbly, and I'd remember I didn't eat too much before coming here. I'd better slow down lest I become that passed-out-girl-in-the-corner in the middle of the party.

Rather than stay on and take another partner, Garrett decided to take a break with me and we headed out to the back so he could show me the new in-ground pool they'd just put in.

"How in the hell do you guys find the time to do all of this?" I said, looking around in amazement. Not only had they gotten the concrete poured and leveled, but the filters and the liner were all set to be installed.

"Eh - here and there. We work on it a lot during the weekends."

"You guys know you're college students, right? College students aren't supposed to care about - home improvement." I started laughing toward the end of that sentence.

"Most college students don't own a house, much less worry about improving it. AND - I'm a graduate student. Big difference."

"I'm sure," I retorted sarcastically. "A whole four years. Whoopidity doo. I know it's not any of my business, but how in the world do you guys afford all of this?"

"Yeah, you're right. It's none of your business." He started. I was just about to snap back with something sly and sarcastic, but he cut in with a "I'm just playing," and explained. "We've all got some money coming in from various places. Laurent makes a killing at _Sway,_ and Victoria's parents are helping us a lot. When you split a $2500 mortgage five ways, it's not that bad." He shoved his hands in his pockets and took a few unsteady steps toward me, like he was deciding what angle I was trying to play. (Try 'cute & innocence, please dirty me.')

"Uh, yeah, it's still like five hundred dollars a month."

"I've got money saved up from side jobs and stuff that I do during the summer."

"Oh really? And just what do you do during the summer?"

"You're asking a lot of questions tonight, Fresh."

"I - I'm just pretty fond of you. And I don't know that much about you. That's all."

"Really? You're _fond _of me?"

"I didn't mean it like that. I mean - I really like you, that's all." Great. Make it sound worse.

That cute shade of rosy pink graced his cheeks and he smiled nervously, clearing his throat before speaking again. "I free lance, sometimes I do some editing work for The Gate and The Examiner. I've got some money saved up from the last few houses we flipped and from when my dad died."

It was no secret that Garrett's father had been killed in action during the first war with Iraq, when Garrett was very, very young. He never really knew him. "Well, I think it's gonna' look amazing," I whispered after a long silence. "The yard - I mean. The pool and all."

"Well, thanks. You know, you could come over and help sometime, if you wanted. You haven't been around much lately, but you're always welcome."

"Oh yeah? Sure. I guess I could come over, ya' know, whenever you're not out pussy hunting with Edward." I eyed him out of the corner of my eye and giggled to let him know I was teasing. I couldn't help it.

"Hey, I'm the teacher, remember? I'm not - _pussy hunting," _he answered with a small chuckle. "I'm instructing."

"Rrright," I added. "I'm sure you don't partake at all."

"Jealous, are we?" he mused, bumping me playfully on the shoulder.

"You wish," I instantly snapped, though it was a little true.

"I was talking about Edward."

I rolled my eyes. "He wishes too."

"You have no idea."

"Only because he can't have me," I explained, crossing my arms over my torso. Edward was so number one on the list of things I didn't want to talk about with Garrett. Things were already so fucked in that department, I didn't want to carry that bad mojo over to things between Garrett and I.

He just laughed and took another sip of his beer. "Yeah, that's probably true."

"Why are you such good friends with him, anyway?"

Shrugging, he shook his head and murmured, "I don't know. Why are you such good friends with him?"

"Ah, well I've known him since I was a little girl. I don't have much choice in the matter."

"How about this as an excuse? He's the best friend of my best friend's girlfriend's best friend – so somewhere by default that makes him my best buddy, twice removed or something like that."

"Speaking as that Best friend's girlfriend's best friend, I suggest you get out now while you're ahead."

"Aw, that's not nice, Fresh. He's just young and misguided."

"That's one way of putting it," I teased.

"Ehh, he reminds me of myself at that age. Makes me feel young again."

I giggled at his sarcasm. "Oh yes, such the grandpa' you are, at your whole twenty three years of wisdom."

"Old enough to teach you, though, aren't I?"

"Oh please. You're not teaching me anything I don't already know."

"Really?" He drew the word out like it was more of a challenge than a simple statement on my part. "I can change that."

I raised an eyebrow at him incredulously. Was he joking? Was he being serious? If he was, this was the best news I'd heard all night. My heart almost skipped a beat in my chest, butterflies welling deep in the pit of my stomach. Would I really have the chance to live out all those fantasies I'd come up with in class? "I thought you didn't date freshmen."

He took a step closer, effectively closing all of the distance between us. He was right next to me, the heat from his body a sharp contrast to the brisk February air. I shivered from the intensity of it all. Or maybe, it was just the intensity of this conversation.

"That's right, I don't." He licked his lips, my eyes glued to the action. That soft pink tongue would look perfect sliding down my body, I decided, and thats why, when he leaned in super close to my face, I let him. I couldn't move. A month spent fantasizing about him kept me frozen in place. "But you won't be a freshmen forever, will you?"

A jolt of sheer excitement shot right between my legs. _God, I hope not._

"I've seen the way you look at me when I'm teaching," he whispered, hot breath shooting down my neck. Goosebumps erupted all over my skin.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said that but the blush on my cheeks gave me away anyway.

"Uh huh. And you were right, by the way. I wouldn't go easy on you. Not if you didn't want me to."

My eyes nervously met his, unsteady and a little unsure. My heart was pounding in my chest, my breathing staggered like I was on a roller coaster. I felt him leaning in closer, and closer, his lips lightly brushing against my cheek. His fingers traced up my arms, gracefully over my shoulders to my neck, cupping my face. I wanted this, I wanted it fucking bad, and I was going to let it happen. The heat between us was palpable. There were a thousand things I'd daydreamed about doing to him the very second this happened, and yet, now that it was here, my mind was a blank slate.

I could only focus on was how good he smelled, so different from Jake and Edward, so fresh, so manly, so very very Garrett. And his lips were so close, I was tempted to just lean in and close those centimeters myself. I wanted to ravish him, to dominate him, to take him right here, right now. But I was scared. I'd only ever been with Jake. What if I wasn't any good at it? What if it was different than what I was used to? What if I freaked out in the middle of it all and had a nervous breakdown? Christ, I was on the verge of one right then and there, my legs were shaking violently from the anticipation.

God, Jake! I was supposed to see him tomorrow. Could I really go through with this, knowing my ex would be here soon? Fuck it. We were done. Over. And I was a free agent. The fact that he'd be here tomorrow wasn't my problem tonight. And I was damn sure going to prove it.

Just as our lips were meeting with, what was sure to be, amazing and mind-blowing bliss, a clearing throat behind us made me jump about ten feet away from him. For some reason, I'd expected the intruder to be Edward. Thankfully, and somewhat unfortunately, it was only Victoria.

"It looks pretty cozy out here," she joked, taking a few steps out onto the deck.

I laughed awkwardly, murmuring something like "Yeah, sure was," but really I was shouting _Fucking cock block_! in the back of my mind. Even 'keeps-his-cool' Garrett looked pissed, but Victoria couldn't get that shit eating smirk off her face.

"Well, I'm sorry to interrupt," she continued with a momentary glance up at me. "But - It's Edward." She frowned, and I almost immediately knew what was wrong.

"Oh, god. Don't tell me."

"He's in there dry humping everything with tits and starting fights with Zeta Phi," Victoria explained with a laugh. "You know how he gets, just take him home, put him to bed."

"Um, no that's okay. Sounds like you've got it all figured out," I protested.

"Bella, he's in there with Renata Parrish."

I wish I could say it didn't happen, but an angry, jealous stab crept up my spine. Sure, I didn't really want him out with any girl, but Renata was - _Ew_.

"You're the only one he'll listen to," she urged.

"What about Obi-Won back here?" I joked, gesturing over my shoulder to Garrett.

He snorted a laugh, and shook his head. "Not on my birthday. No fucking way."

"Face it, fresh. You got some kind of control over that boy. And right now, he needs someone to control his ass right on out the front door, 'cuz he's pissing me off." Victoria teased, leaning in close to my ear. "Believe me, I've been banking on this you and Garrett thing for months; I wouldn't cock block you now if it weren't dire circumstances."

"AH!" I shouted at her. "Don't make it any worse, huh?" I looked over my shoulder at Garrett, who smiled and shoved a piece of gum in his mouth. God, those dimples. I just wanted to lick them. It _was _his birthday, and boy did I want to give him his present. But deep down, Edward was my best friend. He pissed me off to no end, and sometimes I could ring his neck for how much of a pain in the ass he was, but he was my last piece of home. I would never forgive myself if I let him go home with her.

"Well?" Victoria added.

"Fuck!" I shouted. "Fine. Lead the way."

Sure enough, I get to the living room and Edward's doing the drunk lean on Renata Parrish, the Alpha Chi's primary chicken head, someone he normally wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. He must be _hammered._

By the time I made my way up to him, I realized that hammered didn't even begin to cover it. The boy could hardly keep his eyes open, and was slurring his words so badly, he could barely talk.

"You Bella?" Renata asked as soon as I got there, shoving Edward off her.

"That's right."

"Good, he's your problem now." She climbed off the couch and wiggled her way around me. (_Damn! _What's that say when Stanford's biggest slut doesn't want you?)

"Renata! Where ya' going?" Edward shouted after her. "Oh, hey Bella." He took a second to hiccup and I swear I thought he was going to puke right then and there. In retrospect, I kind of wish he would have.

"Hey," I snapped, grabbing his arm to try to pull him up. "Time to go, buddy. C'mon."

"The fuck?" he slurred, ripping his arm away. He ran his hands over his face and chuckled. "The party's just started. I'm not going anywhere." At least, this was my interpretation of what he said. It was hard to make out anything.

"Yes you are. We need to talk."

He raised a drunk eyebrow and started laughing hysterically. "Are you serious? You haven't spoken to me in like - forever, man."

By this point, Garrett had come up behind me and pulled Edward to his feet. "C'mon, dude. Party's over."

"What the hell? You too, Garrett? You cock blocking son-of-a-mother-fucker," Edward groaned, trying to put one foot in front of the either.

"Trust me, buddy," Garrett added with a sideways glance in my direction. "You're the cock block tonight."

"Oh yeah?" Edward snorted and turned to look over his shoulder at Garrett, effectively knocking into a crowd of people in the foyer. He hit someone's elbow, which caused beer to go splashing down the front of one of the girls.

"Christ! I'm so sorry," Garrett muttered, stopping to apologize to his guest. Edward hadn't even noticed he'd done it, just kept on walking out the front door.

"You hear that, Bells? Garrett was gonna' get laid," Edward teased, fumbling with his pack of smokes. Trying to walk backwards and light a cigarette at the same time was apparently too big of a task for him to accomplish this toasted. He ended up dropping them a few times, and by the fourth time he bent over to get them, I was so frustrated with the whole situation, I snatched them up and lit one for him damned myself.

"Here," I snapped, shoving it in his hands. And then I lit one up for myself. Inhaling deeply, I sucked back that nicotine and felt the rush go straight to my head.

"Whoa! I don't talk to you for a month and you start smoking," Edward mused, staggering forward a few steps. "What other bad habits did you pick up?"

I raised an eyebrow playfully. "Wouldn't you like to know?" In all honestly, the cigarette was disgusting and it made me cough more than it got me high, but damned if it didn't take the edge off.

Yup, that's right ladies and gentlemen. I'd almost made out with my British Lit teacher's assistant – and it was probably going to be fabulous — and I probably would have loved it. But here I was, wrapping my life around Edward Cullen — again. Just like old days.

"So what'd you want to talk to me about?" he asked, throwing an arm over my shoulders. I wasn't sure if he did this out of jovial playfulness, or if he was just too drunk to walk straight and needed my help. Most likely, it was a mixture of the two.

Fucking, bloody hell. He reeked of Whiskey and – Marijuana. That explained why he was borderline too fucked up to function.

"You do remember Jake and Tanya are going to be here tomorrow morning right?"

"Pft!" He whistled, waving his hand as if to suggest it didn't matter. "Only every five seconds when she texts me to remind me. Fuck. That. I'm gonna' be out of town tomorrow."

"Absolutely not. You're going to entertain her. You invited her down here."

"Not me," he sputtered, taking a deep drag of his smoke. "I told her to stay the fuck at home. I don't want to see her. It was your pussy whipped Marine that invited her down here with him." Edward shook his head and chuckled. "And here I was thinking I'd finally gotten rid of her stupid ass for good."

"Jake? He told me you -"

Edward cut me off. "Of course he did."

We passed a bar that was blaring "Sugarhigh" by Coyote Shivers and Edward almost lost his damned mind.

"Fucking right!" he started shouting, hopping on top of a bench to our left. _"We can go out, and not even leave the house. A tv set and a bottle of wine's just fine. Making out on that ole' pull out couch, watching Saturday Night Live." _He belted, rocking out on his imaginary air guitar. "What's next, Bella?"

"Oh shit," I murmured, covering my face in embarrassment. "Get down from there."

He jumped off the bench and landed right in front of me, pressing his forehead to mine tenderly. _"I guess that's why I feel so funny deep inside, when I lick between your thighs. Sugar high."_

"Can you stop? C'mon." I grabbed his hand and pulled him along, despite the crowd that had gathered to snap cellphone photos of him and upload them to facebook, no doubt.

"What?" he asked sheepishly. "I was serenading you."

"You were making an ass out of yourself."

"Well, what else is new?"

"My thoughts exactly," I snapped in return, rolling my eyes with frustration.

"Damn. What crawled up your ass and died?"

"Nothing, Edward. Nothing at all. Just – Let it go, alright?" It was like everything that had ever happened between us, _La Vita Nuova, _Dante, Senior Week, Halloween, New Years, it was all catching up to me right at this moment.

I'd tried to forget about him, (unsuccessfully apparently, because here I was walking his drunk ass home.) and I'd tried to make a promise not to be alone with him, I'd tried to focus on school and not go out and drink, I'd tried to keep him out of my dorm room, I tried to keep him at arms length. I figured if I could do those things, I could get rid of him, get him out of me, start to feel better about myself again. I hated how he made me act like this vulnerable little twat, like everything about my future rested on whether we'd fuck or whether I'd tell Jake about it. I was tired of banking my actions on Edward Cullen, and I hated that he made me like that. So I pushed myself away. I decided I wanted to know who I was at Stanford, _without _him. I tried so fucking hard! Even almost kissed someone else!

Fuck!

The truth of the matter was, he'd always been that one person I'd constantly bend over backwards for, that one person who just got to the root of me and tugged at my heartstrings like his own fucking personal guitar. If it wasn't for him, I'd be out partying as much as I wanted to. If it wasn't for him, hell, I'd be back at that party, making out with Garrett, possibly doing the naked roomba ten ways to Sunday. Or maybe I'd still be with Jake. I most certainly wouldn't be _here, _drunk arguing through the streets of Palo Alto.

"Boy, a month away from me and you've turned into an insufferable grump. Sure glad I wasn't around for that amazing transformation. Might have sucked me down with it," he added. Even though I could tell he was teasing, I'd had it with his bullshit, all of it.

"Shut the fuck up!" I'd lost it at this point. Yeah, he was drunk. Yeah, I was supposed to get him home and put his happy ass to bed, but as I stood there, it was taking everything in me to not reach out and slug him instead. "Just shut. The. Fuck. Up. This is all your fault! All of it. If you hadn't gotten me that stupid dildo on Christmas two years ago, I wouldn't be here yelling at you right now. I'd be back at Garrett's party, getting drunk for the first time in four weeks, probably fucking his brains out right now! Instead, I'm stuck here with you! Walking you home like an infant!" I pushed his chest hard, so hard in fact, that he fell backwards and slammed into the brick gate surrounding the park. "I HATE YOU! You know that? I Hate You!" With that, I wrapped my arms around my torso and stormed ahead of him.

"Um - actually, I remember you _masturbating _on the phone while we were supposed to be doing homework!" he called after me. Patter of footsteps behind me said he was trying to catch up. "Bella!" he shouted. "Bella! You masturbated on the phone!'

People had started to stare.

"Shut up! Just -SHHHH! Shut up!" I turned around and pressed my hand to his mouth. "I don't know how I let myself get into these situations with you. If you're not finger fucking me behind the pool shed, you're making me feel like a piece of shit for loving the only person who's ever treated me good. And for what? So you don't feel like that much of a piece of shit for being who you are?"

"Well," he said, and left it at that.

"What?" I snapped at him. What the hell?

"The only person who's ever treated you _well_."

And then I lost it. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I pounded on his chest as hard as I could, and he lost his balance, stumbling back for a second before I pounded on him again.

"Fucking douche bag! _I'm _an insufferable grump? Well, you're a dirty tramp, Renata fucker! So go on then, say something else you'll regret."

"Wait," he blubbered, holding up his hands defensively. "You were the one Garrett was going to fuck? I – I cock blocked _you?"_

"Of course! You didn't think he was my beer pong partner all night for no good reason, did you?"

"Actually, I thought it was because you're pretty damn good."

I glared at him. "Stop talking to me now. I just wanna' get you home, put you in bed and pass the fuck out. Forget this night ever happened."

It was silent for a second while we walked back to the dorm. Sure, it was about a mile and a half away, and I was in heels, but I was too hyped up to care about it.

"Why him?" Edward finally murmured, putting his hand on my shoulder to stop us from walking. "Why him?"

My eyebrows furrowed at him. "Are you seriously asking me that question?"

"I love you, Bella."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head before taking off back toward the dorm. "You're ridiculous, and you're drunk. And that's the only time you love me."

"That's not true. I wasn't drunk on New Years, and that's the only time I've ever actually touched you."

"Ahh!" I threw my hands over my ears. "Stop talking about that."

"Why? It happened. Just like Halloween."

"No! No, it didn't."

"That's part of the fucking problem, Bella. You always -." And then he stopped, a curious expression coming over his face. I stopped and walked back to him. Since the heels I was wearing were pretty tall, I was just about eye level.

"What? Please! Tell me what my problem is. I would _love _to hear what you have to say on this subject."

But he didn't say anything, just stood there for a second.

"What?" I asked. "Are you alright?"

And that was about the time he threw up all over me. I didn't even have time to jump out of the way. Warm, sticky, gross puke covered the front of my new little black strapless dress.

I stood there for a second, trying to decide if that really just happened. Then, I looked up at him and huffed a deep breath.

"Are you fucking serious!?" I yelled, stamping my foot in frustration.

"Oh, God. I'm so sorry."

My hand balled into a fist before I could stop it, and the next thing I knew, I had punched him as hard as I could across the face. And then I turned on my heels and marched right back to the dorms, trying to wipe as much puke off as I could while I stalked.

By the time I got back to my floor, Edward had practically caught up with me, but he didn't say a damn thing, which was good for him. If he'd even said a word, I was pretty sure I would have punched him again.

Without even stopping at my room, I walked straight down to the bathrooms and started stripping my dress off my body. It was ruined anyway, so I stuffed it right in the trashcan.

What a waste! I really liked that dress. No matter. I would see to it that Edward replaced it.

Clad in my thong underwear, my black strapless bra and five inch stilletoes, I'm sure I was a sight for sore eyes when Edward came bursting through the bathroom door and right into the shower area.

"Bella, I didn't mean to .." He stopped and gaped at me.

"Shut up and go get me a towel," I hissed, stepping out of my heels and into the shower cubby, snapping the curtain closed behind me. I turned the water on blazing hot and stepped under, gasping and groaning while Edward's vomit circled the drain.

Ugh! I even had it in my hair. Gross!

I could cry, I was so disgusted. A few seconds later, I heard Edward's feet outside my stall.

"Look," he started. "You've made it apparent that I'm a horrible friend, and an even worse drinking buddy. I'll just leave you alone from now on. I'm sorry for tonight, by the way. You and Garrett."

I threw the curtain aside, soaking, dripping wet and naked. But I didn't give a shit. He'd given me a vomit shower, we were beyond pretenses at this point. I was about to cuss him up and down, tell him he wasn't leaving to save his life, that he would spend every waking second with Tanya that he could so that Jake and I could have a few days just to be us again. But the shiner on his eye was starting to bruise, and he'd definitely have a mark tomorrow.

"Oh my god," I exclaimed, grabbing onto his face to bring it closer. I inspected the mark above his cheek, poking and prodding to see if I'd broken the skin. Thankfully, I hadn't. He'd just have a really black eye, that's all. "I hit you pretty hard."

"Yeah," he started with a laugh. "You've got a mean right hook."

"You deserved it," I said, raising my eyebrow indignantly.

"Yeah, well." He grabbed my heels and my underwear, nodding back towards the door. "I'd better get back to the room. Watching you under that water's giving me half a wood."

I heard the bathroom door shut behind him and then I stood there, staring at the shower wall. I couldn't help but start to cry just the tiniest little bit. Everything that I'd built up over the last month, it had all just come crumbling down around my feet.

I missed Edward. God, I missed him so much. And I always did, whenever we went a while without talking.

Yeah, he'd puked on me. Wouldn't be the first time one of us had to clean up the others vomit. And yeah, we'd gotten in a fight. Wouldn't be the first time for that either.

I'd tried to get away from him, tried to distance myself, tried to figure out who I was without him, tried to move on with someone else. The simple truth was I couldn't. Our lives were too intertwined, too closely linked to one another. There would be no getting over him, there would be no getting him out from under my skin, and it didn't matter how much time I spent away from him, it would always be the case.

That mother fucker just got me, on a level no one else ever would or could.

By the time I was showered and headed back to my room, Edward had grabbed his pillow and blanket from his room and cuddled up in Angela's bed. When I came in, I was a bit puzzled to find him there. I thought for sure he'd take the liberty of settling in my bed, but I wasn't going to push it. It was probably for the best that he sleep over there anyway. Wouldn't want Jake to stumble upon me in bed with him. That would be bad news bears indeed.

I threw on a teeshirt and a pair of boxers and climbed into my bed, turning on the TV and hitting the lights. It was silent for a few seconds, then Edward climbed out of bed and I heard that distinctive wood on tile scratching sound of Ang's bed sliding over next to mine. He hopped in next to me and reached over to find my hand, sliding it gently into his.

Those sparks shot up my arm in a comforting, soothing rhythm. (Yet, another thing I hated about him. Those fucking sparks always took me out of whatever funk I was in.)

"I missed you," he murmured.

"I missed you too," I found myself whispering back.

"So you don't really hate me then?"

"I try really hard."

"I know you do."

I sighed with frustration. As much as I wanted to get away from him, I knew in this moment that I never would. He'd dug himself in too deep in my heart, and no matter what, he'd always be there.

"I love you, Bells. I don't know why, and I don't know when it started, but I do. And every time you walk away from me, I feel like the whole world is collapsing on my shoulders and I can't deal with it. There's just no getting rid of you for me. Believe me, I've tried."

"Wow," I sputtered with a laugh. Weren't we just two fucking peas in a pod? I was just thinking the same thing. "You're gonna regret that in the morning."

"And you love me too, don't you?" he continued, slurring just the slightest bit.

Instead of answering or commenting on that little outburst, I simply nodded my head and whispered, "Good night, Edward."

He hummed in approval and muttered, "Good night, Bells," in return.


	14. My Bloody Valentine

The next morning, I woke up to Jake's ringtone blaring on my cellphone. I rolled over and picked it up.

"Hello?" I grumbled.

"Hey Babe. We're downstairs. Come let us in."

"What?" I groaned and looked at my alarm clock. "It's only nine, dude. I thought you were supposed to be here at like ten thirty or something."

He started laughing. "We got here early. What? You got someone up there or something?"

I winced and looked over at Edward, bundled up in Ang's comforter like a burrito. "What would you do if I did?"

"Stop it," Jake replied whimsically. "Come let us up."

"Alright, be there in a second." I clicked the phone shut and groaned in disappointment. I'd gotten about five hours of sleep, and Edward was snoring his way through this morning like there was no tomorrow.

His shiner looked pretty bad too. Overnight, it had grown more purple and blue, and had swollen up quite a bit. He looked like he'd gotten in a fight, and definitely had his ass handed to him.

"Edward," I sputtered, giving him a few quick shakes. He didn't budge. "Edward!" I shouted a little louder this time.

"Hm?" he muttered, rolling on to his back. He stretched and opened his eyes, looking around momentarily. "What the fuck?"

"Hey, Jake and Tanya are downstairs. We've gotta' get moving, alright? Pull the bed over to that side of the room."

His eyes were squinty like I'd suddenly started speaking Greek, and he didn't understand what I was saying. "What?" he moaned

"Jake and Tanya are here. Downstairs. Get up," I said again, climbing out of bed and stripping out of my boxers to throw on a pair of jeans.

"How did I get in here?"

I rolled my eyes and looked over my shoulder at him. "You don't remember last night?"

He shook his head and went to sit up. "Ugh!" he groaned, rubbing his hand over his face. "Ow! What the hell?" He got out of bed and marched over to my mirror. "How in the hell did I get a black eye?"

"I punched you."

He looked back over at me. "Why'd you do that?"

"You puked on me. All over me actually. It was pretty gross."

"Aww, no. Really?"

"Yeah, and then you professed your undying love for me and serenaded me with the musical stylings of Coyote Shivers." I threw a hoodie over my head and grabbed my keys. "C'mon. Get the bed over there."

"Coyote Shivers?"'

"Edward! We don't have time. Jake and Tanya are downstairs – right now. Move the bed. Here." I grabbed the headboard and started scooting it over, but only made it about an inch before Edward jumped in and helped. We got it back in its original spot and I threw his clothes at him. "Shirt, on. Pants on."

He started getting dressed while I cleaned my room. The only thing I needed to do was hide my laundry at the back of the closet and throw my heels from last night in the closet. Bam!

Beautifully cleaned room.

After he was dressed, we headed out the door and down the hall to the elevators. "So, I professed my love for you, huh?"

"Yeah," I added nonchalantly. "It was sweet, in a drunk, pouring your heart out kind of way."

"And what did you tell me in return?" He ran his hands through his hair and touched his black eye again, wincing in pain.

"I told you to go to bed."

The doors opened, and lo' and behold, Jake and Tanya stood right in front of us. Jake looked amazing, always did. He was wearing a hoodie and a pair of jeans, but had let his hair grow out a little bit. I'd always liked it better when it was longer.

But Tanya, she looked more strung out than she had on Christmas. Dark circles lined the skin under her eyes, and she looked tired, like she hadn't slept in a week. Not only that, but the girl was literally wasting away. She was wearing a pair of old sweat pants and a tank top that I'd seen her wear a hundred times, but she was swimming in them now. She must have lost at least fifteen pounds since winter break, and she was boyish to begin with.

"Edward!" she screeched (which did nothing for my hangover) and, literally, jumped in his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck.

My eyes met Jakes and a smile erupted on my face. It was terribly difficult to resist jumping in his arms the way Tanya had done to Edward, but I somehow managed to refrain.

"Hiya Jake," I greeted, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Hey Bells," he whispered in my ear. "God, it's so good to see you."

His smell swirled around my head, all man and motor oil and Old Spice soap. I sighed. It was so familiar, so comforting, and it instantly took me back to my bedroom in Forks. "I missed you," I muttered, pressing my lips to his cheek respectively. Sure, I still loved him intensely, but we were broken up – right? We'd done the whole break-up sex thing, the tearful goodbye, the weeks of "Should-I-Call-Shouldn't-I-Call." Hell, I'd even kissed another guy last night – and I liked it _a lot_. We weren't supposed to be all touchy feely with each other, even if it was the hardest thing in the world to keep my hands to myself. It was as if I saw him and every feeling I'd spent the last month suppressing came rushing back to the forefront.

"Oh my god," Tanya gawked. "What happened to your face?"

Jake pulled away and looked over to Edward, who was just putting Tanya down. "Yeah, dude. Who the fuck clocked you? Want me to whip his ass?"

"Um," I decided to say. "It was …"

"Just some drunk guy at a bar," Edward cut in. "He got a little too excited about the basketball game, threw his arm up, Bam, right into my face."

I furrowed my eyebrows. I guess he decided he didn't want Tanya and Jake to know a girl had given him a black eye – much less me. That would just lead into a whole diatribe about what we were fighting about and why I had to punch him to begin with . . . and, of course, I'd have to lie about all of it. I was done lying to Jake.

"Well, my room is this way." I nodded back down the hall and gestured for my Marine to follow.

"Which way is your room, Edward?" Tanya interjected, intertwining her fingers with his, to which he tried to pull away.

"Oh, it's down that way," I answered for him, pointing towards the boy's side.

"I thought we were going out for breakfast, or something," Edward suggested.

"Aren't you hung over?" I asked with a giggle.

"Uh, yeah. Hence the need for sustenance ASAP."

"We already ate," Jake cut in.

"Yeah," Tanya answered. "Why don't you show me your room?"

I had to struggle to hide my laugh. Could she be anymore obvious?

"Yeah, go show her your room," I mocked.

"I think Ang and Ben are still in there," Edward retorted, nodding toward the girls side. "Let's just go hang in Bella's room."

At this point, I started feeling a little sorry for him. I knew he didn't want to be around her, and he definitely didn't want to take her back to his room alone. But, the only thing in the world that I wanted was some alone time with Jake. After the little encounter with Garrett last night, I was literally aching for some affection of the X-rated variety.

Besides, I was still nursing a grudge against Tanya for what she did at Christmas. Fucking bitch. I bet the only reason she wanted to take Edward to his room was to prove to me she could still have him if she wanted him. Which, was pretty hysterical given the fact that I could snap my fingers and he'd come running. But hey, I wasn't going to sink as low as she was, so I shrugged and waved my hand for them to follow me. There'd be time enough for Jake and I . . . I hoped.

We went back to my room, where I promptly sat down on my bed. Edward, who was used to sitting next to me, had a moment of hesitation, where he seemed to be heading over to me, but was blindsided by Tanya, who grabbed his hand and pulled him over to Angela's bed. Jake came in last, closing the door behind him before settling in the space between my legs.

Silence. Dead fucking silence. No one said anything.

Pursing my lips, I cleared my throat and wrapped my arms around Jake's chest. "So, how are things back in Forks?" I asked, relishing in the familiar scent of Jake's cologne. I hadn't realized how much I missed it.

Things were awkward for the first few minutes. Tanya explained that she was taking some classes at the community college, and thought Alice had attempted to convince her to transfer to WU, but she was thinking she'd probably try to come to UCAL in San Francisco.

Gee – wonder why she'd want to do that? I rolled my eyes and looked over to Edward, who was hiding a smirk and trying to flip through the televisions stations.

"Um, well," I started. "I'm taking some English courses this semester, getting all my GenEds out of the way. I decided to go ahead with the English major, with a focus on Journalism."

"What are you going to do with that?" Tanya asked. I don't think she was trying to be a bitch about it, I think it just came out a little snappy.

"Whatever the fuck I want," I replied with a pointed look.

Jake laughed and pointed to the TV. "Wait, man. Go back a channel. I think that's the motorcycle race."

Edward went back a channel, and sure enough, motorcycles were whipping around the track. "Oh shit!" Jake exclaimed. "Leave this on. I went to Basic with a guy who's supposed to be in this."

And so we sat in silence while Jake tried to figure out which was his friend. Thankfully, a few seconds later, Angela came rushing into the room. "Hey Bella, did you get your platonic playmate home —" and then she stopped and looked around, suddenly realizing there was a whole bunch of people in her room.

I tensed. My platonic playmate was very obviously Edward.

"Whoa," she exclaimed, a small blush gracing her cheeks. "Hey friends from home. Forgot you guys were coming. How are we?"

Jake stood to give her a hug and so did Tanya, each saying hello in return.

"Nice shiner, Edward," Ang mused, coming over to grab some clothes out of her dresser. She stuck her tongue out to the side playfully and raised an eyebrow.

"Thanks," he replied, avoiding her glare.

"That happen last night after Garrett kicked you out?"

Edward sighed. "He didn't kick me out."

She started laughing. "Oh no, excuse me. After he asked you respectively to leave and you threw yourself into Steve Mottley and his girlfriend."

"What happened?" Jake asked.

I took a deep breath, because, yeah, that was a long story, one I really didn't want to get into right now. "It was a crazy party, Edward got pretty drunk."

"Thought you went to a bar last night – You know, the guy watching the game?" Jake said, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion and taping the spot next to his eye.

"Garrett kicked me out early, where else was I supposed to go?" Edward answered quickly.

_Way to be on the ball, _I thought, cringing by how close Jake had gotten to the truth. "Hey, Ang, what are you and Ben doing all day today?" I asked. Insert change of subject here, please, and thanks.

She shrugged. "I think he's got some silly Valentines thing planned, then I don't know. We were thinking about going to see a movie. You guys in?"

"Great!" I said at once, not giving anyone the chance to turn it down. Dark theater, no talking, no awkwardness. Sounded perfect.

Until we actually got there and Edward sat to one side of me, Jake to the other, each with an obnoxiously large elbow on my arm rest. We'd gone to see some sap-happy love story starring Hugh Grant and Keira Knightley, ironically called "Love Actually." It was cute, I liked it. But, the groaning and moaning coming from the boys told me they thought it was a total chick-flick.

"Well, no one said you two had to tag along," I joked on the walk back to the dorms. "Tanya, Ang and I would have gone by ourselves."

"Oh yeah, and I suppose we would have just hung out at the dorms all day?" Jake playfully added.

"Edward would have taken you to _Benny's_, right?" I suggested.

Edward shot me a look that I read as _'I'd rather shoot my own foot off.'_

_Good, _I thought. _Suffer! _But then again, once I really thought about it, I realized these two were acting really strange today. Hadn't they hugged it out over Christmas break? Hadn't they kissed and made up while they were both pissed at me? What could have possibly happened over the course of a month to change their relationship so drastically? God, they fought more than girls did.

Before I could ask, Ben chimed in with, "Well, why don't we head over there now? I don't know about you, but I could use a beer after that entirely estrogenated piece of shit."

Angela shot him a glare, but Edward agreed and Tanya added, "Sounds awesome!"

I grimaced. _Great!_ I knew Victoria and her crew would be there tonight and I had absolutely no desire to introduce the Marine to the Teacher, or vice verse. That sounded like some sick, demented version of hell that I never wanted to visit.

All it would take would be a moment of weakness on Garrett's part – and bam, Jealous Jake would rear his ugly head. (Of course, I wasn't sure who would emerge the victor of that imaginary battle. I'd like to think Garrett because he had about two or three inches on Jake. But, Jake had just spent the last six months in Basic Training. His body was cut from the stuff of Greek Gods, _and _the government had trained him to fight people professionally. On second thought – _watching_ _that could be entertaining._ ) But let's be honest, huh? Jake and I weren't together anymore, and he certainly wasn't acting like it today either. Where Tanya held Edward's hand everywhere we went, Jake barely touched me. Aside from that little amount of affection right when he'd gotten here, one would have thought we were nothing more than friends.

It sort of freaked me out. His actions pegged the question: why'd he make the trip at all? Sure, I loved him, and he loved me, but if we weren't together anymore, and he wasn't planning on playing the role of the boyfriend, why'd he drive so far to see me?

Edward's voice ran through my head, bringing back a memory from _that _night, the night we never spoke of – _"He doesn't deserve you!" _What _exactly _had Edward meant by that?

We walked through the doors to _Benny's_, and the first person I met eyes with was Garrett. He was sitting with Victoria, Laurent and James at their usual booth in the back corner. I had two feet in the door before Ben saw them also and ushered us in that direction.

"Hallo, Fresh," Victoria greeted, giving me a small hug. Then, she turned to Edward and Tanya. She eyed them both up and down before pursing her lips and nodding. "Welcome back to Cali . . . Tasha, was it?"

"Tanya" she corrected. "Yes, nice to see you again." She wrapped her hand around Edwards so hard, it might as well have been a death grip.

"Uh huh," And then Victoria's eyes glanced over to Jake, eyeing him from head to toe like a piece of meat. "And you must be the Marine."

He smiled wide, a faint pink grazing his cheeks. "You must be Victoria," he held his hand out. "Jake. Pleasure to meet you."

She laughed and nodded, giving his hand a firm shake in return. "Likewise. This is my fiance, James. And this," she held her hand out to my Brit Lit TA, who I'd yet to look at again, "is Garrett." I could feel his eyes on me, like daggers, like a wall of fire, and yet, I was too embarrassed about what I said last night to reciprocate. I told him he could have me, I told him I wanted to screw his brains out, I told him the Marine was ancient history and yet, here I was, looking like a big, fat hypocrite - which, of course,_ I was. _

As much as I wanted to be over Jake, as much as I wished it wasn't true, I still had deep feelings for my Marine, and they came rushing back the forefront the second I saw him in that elevator. Perhaps I would always have this love for him, this affection. Perhaps it would never go away.

"Oh, Wow," Jake held his hand out to Garrett. "I've heard a lot about you too. You're the one with the renovations, right? Working on your masters?"

Garrett looked down at Jake's hand and snorted, slapping his palm in my Marine's indignantly. "Yeah, heard some things about you too," he said with a smirk, downing the rest of his beer before climbing out of seat. He stole a sideways glance at Edward, who rolled his eyes and looked away. There was something there - some sort of secret between them. Something they were keeping from me. Could that look have had anything to do with Jake _not deserving _me?

"Right, well," Ang cut in. "We could use some shots, huh?

"I bet," Victoria snorted. I pulled Jake to the other side of the crowd and tried to ignore the rest of them. Whatever was going on behind the scenes, it wasn't going to ruin what little time I had left with him.

Five beers, two twisted peaches, and one dirty bartender later, Jake and I were laughing hysterically at the memory of Emmett and Jasper setting up the pyramid of Beer Pong cups at the bottom of the stairs at Alice's lake house, then sledding down into them on a piece of cardboard. It was a lot funnier at the time and even funnier if you had been there. Edward and Tanya never joined us at the table, nor did I look for them.

Somewhere over the course of our drinking, things had lightened up between Jake and I considerably, and I planned on keeping it that way. Edward's presence would only irritate me more than it already had today.

We talked about his dad, and how Becs and Rach were doing in school. Becky was just about to graduate with her degree in Psychology and Rach had started her junior year with the intention of majoring in Engineering, but now was thinking about Biology. Then, the conversation drifted over to my dad, and how badly he was missing me while I was away.

I snorted in disbelief. "Leave it to him to start missing me once he can't see me anymore."

Jake's eyebrows furrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I only mean that . . . ya' know, he had me for four years. And not once did he ask to be put back on day shift. Not once did he get out of working on Christmas or New Years to spend the holidays with his only child. And now that I'm gone, he's all depressed about it."

"Well, look who went off to college and grew an ego."

"What?"

"That's not to say he didn't try to get off to spend time with you, Babe. He just doesn't have a son to help him put his little girl through college," Jake explained. "Holidays are time and a half."

Now, didn't I feel like the biggest ass in the entire world? I had never thought about it that way, though I suppose I should have. Jake was absolutely right. Charlie would never have complained, but his and Renee's salary alone wouldn't put me through Stanford. Extra shifts and shitty schedules, that's what get's a girl through Ivy League. I'd been caught in a selfish moment.

"You should call him," Jake went on. "I bet he'd like that."

"Yeah, yeah I think I will."

"So," Jake cleared his throat and leaned back in the booth. "What crawled up your boy's ass and died?"

"My boy?"

"Yeah, you know, Top Gun - the dude with the aviators – Garrett or whoever."

"Nothing, he's just . . . an asshole sometimes . . . when he wants to be. Probably his lesbian ex-girlfriend giving him shit again."

"So, nothing to do with you, then?"

I shook my head and laughed. "No. Why?"

He shrugged, taking a sip of his beer. I watched that pink tongue dart out and lick his upper lip afterward, and for some reason, I had a memory flash of it licking my body instead. Yup. Those old feelings died hard, and I couldn't help the swell in my heart for Jake in that very moment. "And what's going on with you and Edward?"

I was a bit taken back. "What? Nothing's going on with me and Edward."

"Uh huh. No more sleepovers?" His eyes met mine and he smiled, indicating he was just trying to rattle my cage.

I playfully kicked him underneath the table. "What about you, huh? Who have you been doing with your free time?"

"No one . . . just, ya' know, whacking it and thinking about you."

I laughed even harder. "Stop it," I added, shooting him a tiny wink.

"Seriously though, I tried. A couple of times." His face got all red.

A jab of jealousy shot right through my gut. "Tried what?" I muttered, playing dumb. I knew exactly _what . . . _and it's not like I could be mad at him. Didn't I try to kiss Garrett last night, hoping to score some rebound ass of my own?

"You know," he answered, clearing his throat. "With Kimber Hollis."

"Eww," I involuntarily blurted, another jolt of hatred flaring inside of me. _The next time I saw that bitch . . ._

Jake laughed and playfully kicked me under the table. "Don't say eww – what? Why would you say that? She's good looking."

"That's the problem. She's so good looking, she gets everyone she wants – and with that, every STD known to man." Kimber Hollis was gorgeous, blonde hair, green eyes, and a rack that I've been envying since fifth grade. But, all good things come with a cost. She had, by far, the biggest and baddest daddy issues in the whole school. No one knew exactly where he was, but, according to Rose, he'd had a long, scandalous affair with one of Kimber's underaged friends, (either Lori Miller or Nicole Bowman, no one knew which,) and when Kimber's mother found out about it, she'd kicked him out, royally screwing him ten ways to Sunday. She walked with half his salary for the rest of his life, the house, the kids, and the gardener, Juan. The whole incident had, unfortunately, turned Kimber into the biggest hoe bag in the State of Washington. "So what happened? Did you get crabs or something?"

"No." He smiled bashfully, that brilliant smile lighting up my entire life. "I said I tried, right?"

"So, you couldn't get it up?"

"Yeah, something like that," he concluded. "Thanks for sugar-coating it, Babe."

"You're welcome." I chuckled. If things were weird before, they weren't anymore. Alcohol makes the heart grow fonder, and now that we'd had a couple drinks, things were back to normal between us. It was like the last month didn't happen. Sure, I was a bit jealous about Kimber Hollis, but at least it wasn't Tanya, or Alice, or something. "You know, actually, since we're being honest and everything." I took a sip of my vodka/cranberry and leaned in a little closer to him. "I almost kissed Garrett last night. It was his birthday. That's why he's acting a little rude toward you."

"I knew it," Jake teased.

"What? Are you jealous?"

"You wish."

"You wish I wished!" I shot back in return, with a laugh.

"So, just a kiss huh? You like him?"

"An _almost _kiss." I shrugged. "Sort of. I was kinda just looking for some rebound tail of my own."

"And nothing with Edward?"

"Why do you keep coming back around to that? No, I didn't do anything with Edward."

"You promise?"

I held up three fingers. "Scouts honor."

He licked his lips again and smiled deviously, looking at me like I'd suddenly lost every article of clothing I had on. "What?" I asked, a bit hesitantly.

"You feel like . . . I dunno . . . Gettin' outta' here or something?"

I stuck my tongue in my cheek and smiled, finally getting the entire conversation. Since we'd last seen each other a month ago, neither of us had slept with anyone else, even though he'd tried. And me, well, I was two beers away from throwing myself at him. So yeah, getting out of here was definitely on the list of things I could get behind.

I met his gaze with a primal one of my own. "Absolutely."

As he grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd of grinding, gyrating bodies, I managed a glance around, trying to pick out Ang, Edward or Victoria, but I couldn't see anyone, so I assumed they'd all went home.

Jake threw his big arm over my shoulders and pulled me close to him, so close that I wrapped my arms around his torso as we walked. The whole familiarity of it was a bit overwhelming. He smelled exactly the same, felt exactly the same. And for a second, I almost forgot that we'd broken up and he was leaving for Iraq in two weeks. Right now, it was just Jake and I, and the whole world fell away.

He kissed the top of my head and sighed. "Do you still have that little, pink skirt?" he whispered.

"Uh huh," I answered with a giggle. "But I don't know if you've been good enough for that?"

"Oh, I've been extra good for that," Jake growled.

I chuckled and ran ahead of him, begging him to chase me, and, of course, he did. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me in the air, twirling me around and around. I howled with laughter and squealed and begged him to put me down. It was good to have Jake with me again. Most of all, I think I'd forgotten what it felt like to smile.

By the time we got back to the dorm, I couldn't keep my hands off him and as soon as the doors of the elevator closed behind us, Jake's fingers set in re-familiarizing themselves with depths they hadn't been to in a long time. My breasts, my hips, my stomach. Anywhere those fingers could touch, they did. Our passion was rushed, panicked, like he couldn't kiss me hard enough, or deep enough. But it was also passionate and sweet, like always. Jake treated me with that same delicacy I was used to, like he was afraid he would break me or hurt me somehow.

Warm, frenzied kisses trailed down my neck, leaving goose bumps and simultaneously setting my skin on fire. I felt alive for the first time in weeks.

When the doors opened on our floor, I giggled and pulled away from him, racing down the hallway to my room. I knocked twice and waited for an answer, allowing Jake to catch up. He slid in behind me, nibbling on my shoulder and feeling me up from behind. Then he laughed and asked, "Do you think they're in there?"

I knocked again.

When I got no response, I unlocked it and swung it wide open, grabbing Jake by the collar and tossing him inside. He grabbed my hand and pulled me in right after him.

Everything after that was a bit of a blur. To say I was a little lit wouldn't quite cut it. On the walk home, I'd seemed to only get more intoxicated, and right now, the world spun around me faster than I could keep ahold of it. The next thing I knew, I was being thrown down on the bed and Jake was on top of me, his lips kissing and licking and biting wherever he could. I unbuttoned my jeans and Jake slid them down my legs, exposing my lower half to the cool air in my room. But that didn't matter because all I could think of was getting my panties down next. Jake took care of that as well, throwing them over his shoulder with an adorable grin.

He made to go down on me, but I pulled his shoulders back up, needing no preparation. "Just fuck me, Jake," I murmured. "I missed you so much."

Our lips met again and his smell swirled around me, intoxicating me, turning me on even more. The weight of him on top of me, the scent of his Old Spice shampoo, his eyes meeting mine, it was all too much. Hadn't this been what I was trying to put behind me? What was I doing right now? I wasn't too sure, but, Christ, I couldn't stop it if I tried. Jake or no Jake, I needed this, needed to be touched, needed to be needed.

A gentle pressure pulsated between my legs and I hooked my ankles around his waist, the anticipation almost killing me. One quick jerk and he was inside, filling me completely, forcing our pelvises to meet with an amazing display of passion. It was brilliant. We didn't even bother to take off the rest of our clothes.

Fireworks went off inside of me, and my nails dug into his shoulders. Then, he pulled out slowly … gently … deliberately . . . only to surge back in again, hitting my spot with precision. He knew me. He'd done this a thousand times before. And it was just as good as any before. I almost came right on the spot.

Inside of me existed a hunger like nothing I'd ever felt before. I didn't want to make love; I didn't want to be treated with kid gloves. I wanted Jake to nail me, plowme. I wanted it hard and wet and rough and I wanted to be ashamed of it in the morning. I wanted him, all of him, right the fuck now.

So I grabbed a fistful of Jake's hair and tugged, pressing my lips to his harder and forcibly pushing my hips up to meet his. Jake moaned and took a step back, grabbing my shoulders to gesture I flip over.

Silently cheering, I climbed to my hands and knees, and Jake took his spot behind me, reentering me with such a force, I almost collapsed from the sheer fucking joy of it. A yank of my hair brought my head back and warm breath pressed into my ear.

"You like it rough like this?" he said through clenched teeth.

"You know I do," I replied with a smile.

"Of course you do." His fingers tightened on my hips, nails digging into my skin in a fantastic way. "You like to be spanked too, don't you?"

Without an answer, his hand withdrew from my hip and I knew what was next.

With a resounding pop, he brought that palm down on the fleshy part of my butt and I moaned in delight. The sting mixed the pleasure in the most tantalizing way, and a jarring blast went through me. I was close . . . So close.

It was when Jake reached around my hips and started fiddling my clit between his two fingers that I actually squealed. (That's right. I squealed.) My muscles clamped down on his cock, my hands tightened into a ball around my sheets, and a roar erupted from the back of my throat like I'd never heard before. The fury of the euphoria rushing through me was astounding. Jake was groaning too, his pace slowing and shallowing, which meant he was right there with me. With one final push, his dick switched inside of me and Jake let out a wistful sigh, letting me know he'd reached his climax as well. Then, he collapsed on top of me, breathing heavy from the exertion.

Sometime later, after we had cleaned ourselves up and officially gotten naked, we climbed into bed together and wrapped ourselves up under the covers, putting on the TV but keeping it on mute for the time being.

Laying there with my head on his chest, listening to his familiar heart beat, I couldn't help but notice the little twinge in the pit of my gut. The sex was hot, the sex with amazing, and yet – it was all too bittersweet for my tastes. This was the last time I would ever be like this with Jake. This would be the last time he fell on top of me, post coitus, with that heavy pant and those little beads of sweat on his forehead. I struggled to push back the tears.

Regardless of our break up, regardless of Edward or Garrett or Kimber Hollis, I still loved Jake immensely. Thinking of him going off to war broke my heart, and thinking that I might never have these intimate moments with him again made me even sadder.

_No. No. You know what? Fuck that. _

"Jake," I murmured.

"Hmm," he hummed in response, pressing his lips tenderly to my forehead.

"Make me promise."

"Anything."

"Tonight is _not_ the last night we have sex, alright? I need to know we'll have more moments like this."

He chuckled. "C'mon, Bells. I mean, that was good, but we've done better than that before."

"That's what I'm saying. I can't stand knowing tonight's the last night we'll ever hook up. I love you, Jake, and even though we're _allowed _to see other people doesn't mean I want to. I want you."

Jake tilted my face up to meet his with a finger under my chin. "I want you, too. You know I do, babe. And maybe, one day, we can be together again, if that's what you want. But not now."

I frowned and leaned in to give him a kiss.

"How about you make _me _a promise?" He asked.

"Alright, anything."

"Stop talking about this," he said sweetly. "From now until the time I leave, we're not gonna' talk about the future, alright? It's making me depressed, and I've got about a million other things I could be thinking about. I'm mandating a subject change."

"Okay," I agreed, trying to think of something.

He came up with it for me. "Tell me a secret, something you've never told anyone else before, including me."

Whoa. Talk about subject change. Gee – where could I start? The pool house? No one knew about that, save for me and Edward. And that sounded like a place I definitely didn't want to go with Jake. Dante? The wall right over there? My _real _first kiss? Hell – the only secrets I kept from Jake were the ones I shared with Edward.

Finally, something came to me. Sure, it still involved Edward, but it was completely innocent. "When we were nine, and you guys all went to camp that one summer, Edward slept on my bedroom floor every night."

His deep laughter rumbled through me. "What? Why?"

"His parents were fighting, and he was scared. I also think he might have been lonely without Emmett."

"Yeah, I think I remember that. Esme was always yelling at Carlisle and the boys."

"From what I understand, she still does," I answered with a laugh. "Alright, your turn."

"Remember when Emmett's Mortal Kombat went missing for like a month and he threw that huge fit and stomped around to all our houses to see who took it?"

I snorted. "Oh God. Don't tell me."

"Of course, it was me. He gloated about that thing for a whole year after he got it. I had to beat it. So I did, and mysteriously left it in his locker after I was done. Then I kicked everyone's ass for like a month."

"Thief," I mocked.

"I was ten. Little boys are vicious to each other."

"Little girls are worse," I added indignantly.

"Do you think Ang'll be coming back here tonight?" he asked, gesturing to her bed.

I shrugged. "Probably not. I think she'll end up in Ben and Edward's room."

"And where does that put Edward and Tanya?"

"Probably over at Garrett's," I said. "I told you about the mansion, right? Well, it's got like twelve bedrooms or something. If things weren't so awkward between him and I, we would have stayed there tonight."

He nodded and snorted a laugh. "You're such a cock tease."

I nudged his rib cage. "Only to everyone but you."

"God, those two are annoying as all hell, aren't they?" he continued, referring to Tanya and Edward. "If Tanya mentioned moving down here one more time, I might have shot her." I started laughing, but he didn't. "What a pathetic match. Could any two people be so wrong for each other?" He sounded really passionate about it, like the idea of what they were doing was really ruining his vibe. I should have seen it for what it really was, right then and there - but youth is wasted on the young. And I was a blind fool.

"Oh my god, you can say that again!" I concurred. "You know, Edward cheated on Tanya for probably the last six months they were together. I think he told her it was only once or twice. Why else would she still cling to him like she does? You'd think she'd be miserable with him by now."

"She's lonely," he explained. "And sad."

"That's true, I guess." And, before I could even stop it, "did you ever cheat on me?" slipped right out of my mouth. I shouldn't have said anything, I should have shut the fuck up. But I couldn't help it, and once it was out, it was out. There was no going back.

"What do you think?" he immediately snorted in response. "Did _you_ ever cheat on me?" He used a mocking tone, as if he assumed I would immediately reply to the negative.

But I didn't.

I just sat there thinking, _Shit! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!_

_How did I not see that coming?_

OF COURSEhe was going to ask me that very same question in response. And it wasn't like I could lie to him. I mean, I'm sure I could, and it was probably for the best that I did. But we were broken up now, right? He couldn't _really _get mad – could he? We had been brutally honest with each other all night, down to slutbag Kimber Hollis for Christ's sake.

Maybe I was tired of holding on to it, maybe I was entirely too drunk to really know any better, there might have been a thousand reasons why I brought it up. But I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. It had to come out eventually, might as well rip the band-aid off already. This stupid mistake was _done _eating me alive.

"Bells?" he said again, his voice cracking the slightest bit.

I frowned and looked up at him. "I didn't really _cheat _on you . . . per se."

"Alright," he said, sitting up and sliding out from under me. "Per se. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?"

"Well, it depends on what you consider . . . _cheating." _I sat up and took a deep breath, brushing my hair behind my ears. My heart started pounding in my chest; my breathing grew labored and choked, my cheeks burning in shame. _Aww – Fuck. _I'd just royally screwed myself big time. Why didn't I think that question through? Why did I even ask it at all? God! I was so stupid sometimes. Even more so when I was drunk.

"Who are you? Bill Clinton? Tell me what's going on. You've got that look, that wild glazed over thing you do when you fucked up big time. What did you do?"

I squared my jaw and took a deep breath, finally forcing myself to look him in the eyes. "Remember when Tanya told you about Edward sleeping with me last semester, and you asked me if anything else happened and I told you nothing did?"

Jake didn't answer, just glared through me as the muscle in his jaw twitched.

"Well, that wasn't exactly true."

"What'd he do?" Jake snarled, the friendliness and love completely gone from his tone.

"Look, Jake. It doesn't matter what we did. I'm sorry I lied to you. I should have told you the truth right then and there, but I just couldn't. You wanted to move past the whole thing completely, you wanted a fresh start, and I wanted that too. It's in the past, it doesn't matter anymore. It's only gonna' make you mad." I took a deep breath to steady my voice, trying to think of anything to get this train back on track - - but nothing I said seemed to be doing any good. His eyes glared like he wanted to kill me. "You said you didn't wanna talk about the future, well, let's not talk about the past either. Let's just -"

"Bella," he started. "We're not together anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't love you. If he so much as touched you . . ."

"He didn't!" I cut in.

"Then what happened?"

I ran my hands over my hair, feeling like I was five again and about to be chastised by my father. A tear slid down my cheek from the shame. It had been eating me alive for months, and even though I was coming clean and should feel relieved, a huge blade of guilt and self loathing pierced my stomach. "He sort of . . . dry humped me . . . up against that wall over there."

Jake took a second, processed that, then looked over at the spot in question. "Wait. This happened here?"

I pointed to the wall over by the door now covered by a huge mirror. "There."

With a nod, his expression hardened and he stood to slide his pants back on his legs.

"Jake, wait," I shouted, my voice panicked and stressed. "Please."

"Wait? For what?" His eyes had lost all their softness. They were piercing, furious. "For you to lie to me again? When did this happen?"

I rolled my eyes and mashed my fists into my sockets. _ I am freaking idiot!_

"Halloween." I groaned.

"Did you come?"

"What?" I looked up at him, surprised that he would want to know that.

"Did. You. Come." His voice was biting, making me feel more disobedient than the act itself.

"Yes," I finally murmured.

"Did he?"

"Jake," I begged. "Stop it."

"Did he?!' He was screaming now.

"Yes." I said meekly.

He snorted a sarcastic laugh and shook his head. "Of course he did." Running his hand roughly over his face, he sighed and that ultimately became a groan. "What else?"

"What?"

"Well, I know he didn't dry hump you and leave it at that. What else?" he hissed, turning around to face me again.

I squirmed at the question and licked my lips. "Jake, it doesn't matter. We're not together anymore. It's over."

"You _lied _to me, Bella. Me." He choked the slightest bit.

The corners of my eyes welled with tears, threatening to fall any second. "You don't know how badly I wanted to tell you, how it ate away at me."

"What else?" he said again, his voice more harsh than before.

"New Years."

His eyes widened as recognition dawned. I could see it all falling together in his mind. "Behind the pool shed. What'd you do?"

"Don't make me tell you. You won't like it."

"You have to fucking tell me, Bella. You can't just bring that shit up and back out of it at the last second. What'd he do? C'mon, all the gory details!"

"He kind of fingered me – a little bit."

Jake put his hands on his hips and a sick, demented chuckle fell from his lips. "This whole time," he started. His cheeks burned bright red and those pupils were dilated, wild with rage. "This whole fucking time."

Suddenly, my phone rang. The vibrations against my computer desk filled the room with a startling buzz. I jumped and checked the ID. Yup – definitely going to ignore that call.

I felt crushed. Could he really think I didn't love him? More tears fell and I had to take a deep breath to muster the courage to speak. "Jake, I didn't tell you _because _I love you. And I guess I was being selfish because I didn't want to lose you, but we had such a little amount of time left together that I didn't wanna' ruin it. It was a stupid mistake. I've always loved you, and I love you so much _more _than I love him."

"So you _do _love him?" He sniffed, a single tear sliding down his cheek.

"C'mon," I answered with a sarcastic laugh. "You knew that. Everybody knows that."

This time, Jake's phone rang. He ignored it as well.

"Yeah?" he asked. "Does everyone know about Halloween and New Years, too?"

"No," I pleaded. "No, Jake. Just him and I. It's a secret, just a secret." _And Rose and Emmett. _So yeah, just about everybody. My phone rang again. Buzz . . . Buzz . . . Buzz.

He took a deep breath and clenched his fists, taking a step closer to me but still keeping his distance. "Were you ever gonna' tell me about this?"

"What is there to tell? It's not like we had sex or anything."

"Are you fucking kidding me with that?"

"Are _you _fucking kidding me? What are _you _not telling me, Jake? Huh? Cuz apparently, you've been keeping secrets too."

"What? What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Edward. He's constantly telling me how you don't deserve me, how you need to tell me things, how I should break up with you for my own good. I used to think he was jealous, but now I think he knows something I don't." My voice was growing more and more powerful as my sentences went on._ "_So what is it. Jake? What is it that you_ and Edward_ have been keeping from me?You wanna' talk about secrets? Go ahead, start talking." He didn't say a fucking thing. Just stood there, glaring at me. "Does Tanya know too? Why the fuck did you even bring her?"

"To get him off your nuts for five seconds so I could have you alone."

I was a bit hurt. He only brought her so he could have me all to himself. Almost as if he knew something was up. As if he thought I wouldn't drop Edward the minute he arrived. "Well, it was stupid! When have I _ever _ditched you for him?"

"Apparently on Halloween and New Years!" His voice was getting bigger, louder, scarier, and those eyes, they were growing puffy and red. He was going to cry, and that broke my heart. With one little secret, one little white lie, I'd managed to take my big strong Jake and smash him into a zillion pieces.

"You were in South Carolina!" I argued. My phone rang again. And again. And again.

"At Basic Training, Bella! I'm trying to secure a future for u …" He almost said us. I could feel it coming. But instead, he stopped himself and said, "For me. Just like you're doing here." My phone keeping ringing . . . Buzz . . . Buzz . . . And I just sat there, staring up at him. "Is that him?" he hissed.

I refused to answer.

He walked over, picked my phone off the desk and headed toward the window.

"Jake, don't!" I tried to say.

But it was too late. He already at the glass open and tossed my Razr right off the third story. I ran over and pulled his arm back, realizing what he'd done.

I gaped at him. "Why'd you do that?"

"This is between me and you. No distractions," he commanded. "Though, I suppose I thought this whole thing was between me and you, and now come to find out, my slut fucking girlfriend has been screwing around with my best friend!"

"Fuck you!" I shouted. "Who the fuck are you and what did you do with my boyfriend, Jake? Cuz the Jake I know wouldn't act like this. Look at yourself!"

"I could ask you the same thing," he snapped. I winced in response. Christ! What the hell had happened to me? When Edward and I fought about this very same thing, I had a back bone the size of a Redwood. Now, standing here with Jake, my mouth simply wouldn't form the words. I deserved his anger. I deserved his frustration. Hell, I probably even deserved to have some sense knocked into me. So I stood there. "Did you fuck that Garrett guy while we were together, too?"

"You're an asshole."

"Of course, how the hell do I know if you're telling the truth now? I guess I was wrong about you. You're nothing but a liar - a heartless liar." He huffed and stormed over to the other side of the room, like he needed to put as much distance between us as possible.

Someone, some ignorant poor asshole, chose that precise moment to knock on my door, and it wasn't Angela's "Are you fucking in there?" knock.

Oh no. No. No. No. That was Edward's knock.

"Bella?" he called. "Jake? Hey I know you're boning, but I've got a quick question. Can I come in?"

It all happened very quickly. Before I could even process what was going on, Jake marched over to the door, whipped it open, and punched Edward hard, right in the face, and he, in turn, went down like a sack of potatoes, having been completely taken off guard. Tanya screamed and flung herself backwards. I rushed over to the scene, trying to pull Jake back, but he pushed me off him as hard as he could, which caused me to go flying back into the wall and crash into Angela's full length mirror.

It shattered into a thousand pieces, cascading into a strangely beautiful glass downpour all around me. I fell, landed on my hands and knees and tried to cover my head. That turned out to be a bad idea because it forced me to look at my arms. I had glass _everywhere_. My hands were covered in little tiny gashes and cuts, and sticking out of my palm was a huge mirror dagger twelve inches long. I took a deep breath and ripped it out, a sharp pang shooting up my wrist. Blood seeped from the wound.

I looked up in time to see Jake grab Edward by the collar and bring his other arm high above his head, smashing it down on Edward's face again, and again.

"JAKE!" I shouted.

Then, he kicked him in the stomach. Kick after blood curdling kick.

I tried to get to my feet, but I had another giant chunk of mirror sticking out of my knee.

_Aww - fuck! _

I took another breath and yanked it out. But this one was way, way worse than my palm. I literally fell over from the pain, blood oozing down my leg, covering my pale skin in red silk.

Then, just when I thought I was going to slowly bleed to death while watching my ex-boyfriend beat my best friend, knowing I was helpless to stop it, Garrett came out of nowhere and tackled Jake to the ground. By that point, I was struggling to get to my feet. Victoria rushed into the room and fell to her knees beside me, wrapping my shoulder around her neck. She helped me to my bed and reached for my robe by the closet door. When she wrapped it around my shoulders, I found the strength to grab her wrists and stop her.

"Get him out of here," I croaked. "I want him gone."

"Yeah, no shit," she hissed, running back out to the hallway. I could hear Jake screaming, "You were supposed to pretend it didn't happen, you spineless piece of shit! You fucking bastard! I'll kill you! I swear to God, I'll kill you! I'll kill you for touching her!"

I met eyes with Edward, beaten and bloodied on the hallway floor. His nose was definitely broken, his cheeks already beginning to swell, and I was pretty sure he was missing a few teeth. And it was all my fault.

It was a Saturday night at midnight. The ER was packed. Edward sat in the hospital bed across from me as Doctor Jones with the bright blue eyes stitched up my knee. It took her three hours to get all of the glass out of my arms and legs, but apparently my back was worse. I hadn't seen it, but judging by the amount of mirror she clinked into the metal peanut tub, I wasn't sure I wanted to.

FYI – hitting an enormous mirror with all your weight buckass neked? Not exactly the most pleasant experience in the world.

"You're incredibly lucky that strip of mirror hit your knee and not your spine," the Doctor said, looping the string around the scary-big needle she kept jabbing into my leg. "It missed your femoral artery by an inch. You should be good as new in a few weeks."

"Thanks," I said, wincing at the pinch of skin being stitched back together.

"So, you say an exboyfriend did this to you?" she asked.

I nodded. "Don't worry. He won't get a chance to do it again."

"Hey, that's not for me to judge. I just need to know whether I should call Psych or not. Usually, when we get cases like this, we're required to do that," she explained, surging the needle back into my skin.

I grimaced and glanced to the wall so I didn't have to look. Even though she had numbed the area, no one liked to see a huge needle poking around at their tendons and stuff. "No, that's not necessary. Thanks though."

She narrowed her eyes at me at looked to Nurse Kendra with the purple scrubs holding the tub. "Would you mind taking him up to Radiology for his MRI?"

"Of course, Doc." Kendra disappeared for a second but reappeared with a wheelchair, which Edward slid into before disappearing around the corner. He still hadn't said a word to me about the whole thing. And he looked horrible. The Doctors were pretty sure he had a concussion, and possibly a fractured cheekbone. He had a broken nose, two broken ribs and was missing three teeth.

"What happened to him?" Doc asked after they were out of ear shot.

"Jake happened to him. too," I joked.

"Alright," she said pointedly, clipping the string and pulling my wound completely closed. "That'll just about do it. Now, let me see your hand."

I held it out to her and she groaned in disgust. "Well look at that." Then, she set about poking the area with needles containing the special numbing mixture. "It's not as bad as your knee though, or the cut on your back." It was silent for a few seconds while I tried not to cry from the pain. Everywhere on my body ached, and if there was one good thing to come from the night, it was that I was in store for some serious pain meds. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"

"I'd rather not go over it again, if that's okay," I tried to explain.

But Doc was having none of it. "You can tell me, or you can tell the shrink. Either way, I've gotta' make sure you're of sound mind. Attacks like these, they tend to stick with a person. Trust me, I've seen better and worse."

So I took a deep breath and let it all go. Every ounce of strength I was holding onto just came pouring out of me. The tears rushed down my cheeks, the sobs stuck in the back of my throat like stale air, and tears poured down my cheeks. "It's stupid, really. " I managed to sputter. "Edward and I only messed around twice, just two times. They were mistakes. I told Jake that too. But he just didn't listen, he didn't care. He saw Edward and he started laying into him, and when I tried to break it up, he pushed me . . ." I couldn't believe it even now. Sure, fifty pounds of glass just got picked out of my bare back, but I still couldn't fathom how Jake would do this to me. "I thought I was gonna' watch him kill Edward. I thought we were both dead."

The Doc nodded, seemingly understanding. "Did you call the police?"

I shook my head. "He's in the military. I can't have him getting kicked out on account of me. He just lost his cool, that's all."

Doc Jones just raised an eyebrow incredulously.

"He's never been violent before. It was a mistake. It was all just one big mistake."

"You know what I think," Victoria blurted, whipping her way around the curtains. "You should stop making excuses for him."

"What's the likelihood this guy'll be waiting for you when you get back? Attacker's don't usually let their victims go that easily," Doctor Jones interjected.

Victoria spoke for me. "James put Tanya and Jake in his car and sent them packing. He was pretty upset about the whole thing."

"Good," I snapped. Despite my attitude, I still couldn't believe that things happened like this. He pushed me. Into a mirror. He beat the crap out of Edward. Who the hell had come to visit me and what happened to the Jake I left in Forks for the winter?

"Garrett found your phone," Victoria explained. "It's in a million pieces."

FUCK! That meant I was going to have to call Charlie and tell him what happened. He'd be furious. He'd be livid. It might affect his friendship with Billy. God damn it, Jake! Why'd you have to be so stupid?

Fifty three sutures and one big RX for Percaset later, we were escorted out the front door in wheelchairs, even though we both could walk. Edward still hadn't said a word.

"I'll go get the car," Victoria murmured, heading down to the garage.

"Hey, you alright?" I asked, desperation in my tone.

"Do I look alright?" he spat.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know he'd react that way."

"Really?" Edward snapped. His eyes were wild, more piercing and disturbed than Halloween, and the tone in his voice made me recoil. "Because I saw this coming a mile away. The next time you talk to him, you tell him to stay away from me, you understand?"

"Edward," I groaned.

"I'm serious. The next time we meet, I'll kill him, so help me God."

"He overre-"

"Don't defend him. Just . . . Just leave me alone."

A bright yellow cab pulled up in front of us.

"Edward," I groaned.

"See ya around, Bells."

"Don't do this now. Please. I need you."

"You've never needed me."

"Oh, don't give me that melodramatic bullshit. I've always needed you."

He shrugged.

"Tell me what he did, Edward. What'd he do that made you hate him so much? Why doesn't he deserve me?"

Edward simply glared at me in response. "That's not my fucking story to tell. And the next time you talk to him, you ask _him _that very same question. You understand? Now, leave me the fucking alone. I'm serious, Bella. Leave me alone." He got in the backseat, leaving me alone and torn to bits in front of the hospital.


	15. May 6, 2006

That was the last time I talked to Edward for the rest of the semester. He didn't return any of my calls, and he didn't answer when I knocked on his door. He told Ben to tell me to forget him, to stop trying to see him because he had no desire to see me. (Like that was at all possible. He lived across the street from me for heaven's sake. Just what did he plan to do when we went home? Stupid stupid! Like it or not, he was stuck with me.)

I had to know he was okay, to see his face and know he wasn't scarred forever because of something that was entirely my fault. I'd made the decision not to tell Jake, and because I waited so long, I forced everyone involved to lie, which only made the situation worse. Had I been honest over Winter Break, who knew where I'd be right now?

The forty nine cuts on my back, arms and legs eventually healed, even the huge gash on my hand. The one on my knee, however, continued to ache every so often, especially when it rained, and I feared it always would.

I eventually told Charlie I'd tripped and fell into the mirror one night. After a little embellishment, he believed every word, and agreed to let me clean the bathroom all summer for a new cellphone. That seemed to placate him for the time being. I hoped it would continue to do so once he actually saw the damage.

Obviously, I hadn't spoken to Jake since the incident. He tried to call me a few times, I didn't answer. He sent me flowers, I sent them back. He literally left scars all over my body and, because of him, I would never again have beautiful, flawless skin. I could never again wear a bikini, or a mini skirt, and feel one hundred percent comfortable with myself. He'd be lucky if I ever gave him the time of day. More than the physical beating, the emotional scars ran much deeper. He was my best friend, my confidante, the only person I'd ever given myself to, completely, unfiltered and uninhibited. How could _he _have done this to me? How could he live with himself?

Oh, the betrayal! My fists involuntarily clenched into fists every time I thought of him. I hated him. I hated him with the same intensity I once loved him. The saying is absolutely true – the opposite of love isn't hate, its apathy. I wished I could stop caring about him. I wished I could be indifferent about him. But every time someone mentioned the name Jake, my cheeks flushed with fire and tears welled in my eyes.

One might think losing a good friend and being scarred for life was the worst of it. One would be wrong.

Nightmares.

Absolutely horrendous nightmares. The pain meds seemed to amplify the intensity. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Jake beating the shit out of Edward, and some times I was chained to the far wall, sentenced to watch it all. I screamed at the top of my lungs, pulled at the chains until I was bloody, all to no avail. Jake killed Edward every time, and then I'd wake up in tears.

One particularly bad dream involved Jake pinning me to a bed of glass, the shards burying themselves deep under my skin, and every time I wriggled or tried to break free, the tiny daggers sliced deeper and blood puddled all around me. But that's wasn't the worst part. That came when he took to beating Edward into a bloody pulp and I couldn't do anything to stop it or save him.

Ang woke me up, shaking me violently.

"BELLA!" she screamed.

My eyes snapped open, trying to focus on the person in front of me. Once I realized it was Ang and I was still in my room, I broke down completely. Sobs barreled out of my chest so heavy, I couldn't even catch my breath.

Ang shushed me, trying to soothe me by saying it was just a dream, but I couldn't seem to get a grip on reality. She pulled the covers off me, and climbed into the bed, and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me into her chest with a big hug. Taking big, deep breathes to calm down, I grasped for my reigns on the real world, all the while murmuring, "Why? Why did he do this to me?" Of course, she had no answer, only told me to let it all out, it would get better soon.

Neither one of us went to class that day. Instead, we ordered greasy pizza and had some much needed girls-time. I forced a smile and went along with it, but even she could tell it was all a show.

"That's okay," she said when I brought it up. "The more you fake it, the sooner it won't be fake anymore. I live with you though, you don't always need to fake it with me."

I forced another smile, knowing what she meant, but like everything else in my life, it wasn't genuine. Deep down, I knew what was missing. I begged for Edward. It felt like my body needed him to heal, and my heart definitely needed him to put it all back together again. But, apparently he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Not that I could blame him. I deserved every discomfort I received.

"You can't keep beating yourself up over this," Ang insisted. "Bella, he's acting like a jerk. They both are. You didn't deserve this, no matter what you did with Edward."

I told myself the very same thing every day, hoping one day I would actually believe it.

If it wasn't for Ang, who'd turned into my personal bedside nurse, I don't know how I would have made it through the semester. She changed my bandages and kept them clean and made sure I took my medicine, often mothering me into health against my will. I'll spare you most of the sad, depressing details. Just know that every day was a struggle to get out of bed, even with Ang nudging me on. Without Angela Webber, I would have flunked out of Stanford in my second semester. She never failed to remind me that I couldn't let him bring me down, I couldn't let him win, and if I failed out of school because of my injuries, I would be doing just that.

Perseverance. That was our power word for the second semester. And when the time came for us to fill out housing arrangements for the next year, it wasn't even a question as to who we'd live with. I couldn't imagine having a different roommate.

Victoria was a constant companion as well. She attached herself to me like a momma' bear with a sick cub. They took turns staying with me, even though I reminded them I _did _wear big girl panties and could take care of myself. Even now I think they were afraid I'd spiral into a thick, hazy depression, the likes of which no one could pull me back, which simply wasn't the case. No matter how upset I was, no matter how angry or frustrated or mad, there was always _one person _who could bring me back to myself, remind me who I was. But the prick didn't like me anymore.

Fortunately, he had a backup.

And I knew I had to return her hundreds of calls . . . eventually. It wasn't that I was avoiding her, I loved Rose. I just didn't want to relive it with her. The anger in her would become the anger in me, and I couldn't go back to that. I had to keep moving forward. (Perseverance. Rising above. I am better, stronger, smarter than Jake made me out to be.)

On the contrary, she was my best friend. It should hard for me _not _to tell her everything that had happened, _not _to confide in her, _not _to accept her love and support. I decided it would be best kept for when I could talk to her face to face, when she could see with her own eyes that I was okay. Even though I suspected Edward had already told Emmett, who certainly would have told Rose, and that was why she was calling me, I just couldn't bring myself to answer the phone.

Perhaps she reminded me of home, and that reminded me of Jake, and then it hurt all over again. (Though, to be honest, I now know that I was hesitant to plan Jake's demise, because that's all Rose had any intentions of doing.)

Midterms came and went.

Finals came and went.

The day before I was supposed to pack up and head to Washington, I couldn't ignore her any longer. Ang was already gone, her parents picked her up yesterday, and Edward was still ignoring me. Rose had called me at least twenty times, and sent ten texts all to the same effect:

_"You need to call me ASAP!" _

_"Call me now!" _

_"Bella, I need to speak with you." _

_"Isabella Marie Swan – pick up this phone this instant and call your best friend. I've got urgent news."_

_"I'm just gonna' keep texting until you answer."_

_"Meep."_

_"Meep!"_

_"MEEP!"_

_"MEEPP!"_

_"Answer me."_

_"I'm annoying."_

_"And I've got all night."_

_"Answer me."_

_"AnswerMeAnswerMeAnswerMeAnswerMeAnswerMe."_

On call number thirty, I begrudgingly pressed accept.

"You know I'm gonna' kill him the first time I see him, right?" Rose barked the second I picked up. I had no doubt she was one hundred percent serious. "Don't you ever ignore me again, Isabella Marie. I am your best friend, and it's been months! MONTHS! You get flung into a mirror, fifty three stitches and I've got to hear about this from _Edward? _What the fuck?" She was right. I'd waited way too long to call her.

But that didn't mean I liked being accosted at any rate. "Well, it's good to talk to you, too. I'm feeling a lot better, thanks for asking."

"I care about you, you little shit. I could have come out there; I could have helped you through this."

"It's okay, I can take . . ."

"Care of yourself? Yeah, that's what I hear. I made you a promise, kid. I said I would never let you be alone."

"That was for Christmas Eve," I replied acidly.

"Whatever. The point remains, it should have been _my best friend _telling me what happened to her. _Not _my boyfriend's brother," she griped. "Speaking of that dumb shit, I've got a good, swift kick in the ass waiting for him too, you can believe that. He's being a stubborn little shit about the whole thing."

Yeah, tell me about it. I saw him on campus a few days after my horrible nightmare, even met eyes with him, but he pretended not to know me.

Fucker.

"Ehh, go easy on the boy, Rose. It wasn't his fault," I replied, pushing back a tear. "I brought this on myself. I should have told Jake the truth over Winter Break, and Edward paid the price for it, much more than I did. Jake beat the shit out of him, and it's all my fault."

"Um, excuse me?" Rose instantly hissed. "I remember Edward being home all winter break as well. He could have just as easily told Jake, too. In fact, there were plenty of opportunities for Edward to tell Jake during that entire week you two were fighting. Not. A. Peep."

"Yeah, well," I responded, drily, suddenly remembering what Edward had told me in the car on the way back to California in January. He was just as responsible for the rut we were in as I was. He'd confessed to plotting and scheming for years to get into my pants, and until he did, his quest wasn't over. Besides, I remember making a bet with him, swearing I could hold out until junior year. I'm sure the challenge only added gas to that fire. The memory brought a smile to my face.

_Edward. I miss you._

"Chin up, Bells," Rose commanded. "The day after tomorrow, we're all gonna' be home, and I've got a surprise for you." Her voice was high, excited, so happy, bile actually rose in the back of my throat.

"Oh yeah?" I grumbled.

"Well, more like three surprises. Which one do you want first? The least exciting one, or the most exciting?"

"I don't know how much excitement I can take right now. Let's go with least exciting."

"Alice's wedding is in less than a year, so you know what that means, _right_?"

"Ugh." Dread becomes me.

"Dress shopping!" she cooed, to which I groaned in disappointment. Dress shopping for prom attire was emotionally damaging enough. I feigned to think of what _wedding _dress shopping would be like. (If you haven't already guessed, I'm not the average girl. Exhibit A: I hate pretty much _all _kinds of shopping.) My groan ultimately turned into a giggle at the thought of actually seeing Alice in a wedding dress. She was guaranteed to be the most environmentally-friendlybride ever and I wouldn't be surprised if she picked a dress made entirely out of recycled tires or something. "There it is," Rose interrupted. "There's that high pitched tingle I know and love."

"Alright, what's the second least exciting surprise?"

"To celebrate their engagement, Alice's parents are letting us have the lake house for a week. Just you, me, Emmett, Edward, Alice and Jasper for two full weeks – longer if we want."

Bella, Rose, Emmett, Edward, Alice and Jasper . . . wait a tic. There was someone explicitly missing from that round up. "Oh yeah? And just what will Tanya be doing while her friends are off celebrating without her?"

"Sucking Greek cock off the Mediterranean coast, probably." Rose's vulgarity never ceased to amuse me. "Her father sent her to live with her crazy YiaYia in Athens for a few months. Said she needed to get away from the "bad influences" in her life. I suppose he meant us."

Now, there was something to be happy about. It would be Christmas before I had to deal with her ass again. The thought still plagued me. Why'd she just stand there through Edward's beating? I thought he was her everything, her precious _wittle Edwawd. _ Did she really think standing against the wall and crying was going to help anybody?

"Alright, what's the third least exciting thing?"

"You mean _the most_ exciting?"

"Whatever."

"Go open your door."

My eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

"Get off your bed, walk over to the door, and open it."

"Rose," I grumbled. "I'm tired. I don't have time . . ."

Three loud bangs on the door had me sitting straight up in bed. "Open your door, dipshit!"

"No," I gasped.

"Yes," she repeated, just as whimsically.

I ran right over to the door, swung it open, and there she was – my best friend in the whole world – in the flesh!

It was tough to say who screamed louder, me or Rose. We jumped and hugged each other and did all those silly things girls do when they see each other after a six month absence.

"You're such a pessimistic asshole, you know that? Who wants the _least _exciting thing first? You made me stand out here in the hallway, and tell you that whole story."

"What the hell are you doing here?" Honestly, it was the best surprise I'd ever had.

She shrugged. "I told you. You scared me. Five whole months. You don't call, you don't write."

"You couldn't wait until Friday?" It would only take me two days to get home.

"I'm sure I could have," she continued, "but then I wouldn't have been able to spend fifteen hours on the road with you, plotting revenge on Jake's VW." She shot me a wink and waltzed into my dorm, looking around at the barren walls where posters once hung and the boxes lined up by the closet. "Oh, good. You're already packed. I was afraid I was going to have to help you with that. Of course, I would, but - uh - I've got some other things planned." She pulled a bottle of Jack Daniels from her purse and smiled.

When I turned to follow her in, I cast a sideways glance down the hall where Edward standing by the elevators with his hands in his pockets.

Then, I knew. I knew the real reason why she was here. He'd sent for her. He knew I needed her, her most of all, and he'd brought her for me. Ang and Victoria were great, but Rose knew me the best. Rose had been there for me through everything, and no one would ever come close to replacing her. If anyone was going to help me pick up the broken pieces of my life and put them back together, it would be her.

"Thank you," I whispered.

He nodded and turned to head back down the hall, but something inside me just couldn't let him walk away again.

"Hey!" I shouted. He turned and looked back at me.

Without any warning, without any thought as to how he'd react, I ran up to him and threw my arms around his neck, taking a deep breath of that intoxicating scent. He'd been to the pool recently, his hair smelled like chlorine, and as I tucked my head into the nook where his neck met his shoulder, I sighed with familiarity. "I know you hate me, but, really. Thank you." I murmured. "I really needed her."

He received me with arms around my waist. "I don't hate you," he replied. "And I know you needed her. You're welcome."

"Tomorrow. At the motel."

He nodded.

"Hey!" Rose called after me. "As happy as I am that you two are talking again, he's been here for the last six months. I haven't. It's not my fault he wanted to be a douche about the whole thing. He doesn't get to cut in on my time just because he paid for my ticket and picked me up at the airport." She shot him the stink eye.

He gave her the finger and headed back to his room.

Rose and I drank Jack Daniels and giggled well into the night, much later than we probably should have. She caught me up on all the local gossip, and even the gossip going on in Maryland, with people I didn't know at all. It was perfect, exactly what I needed. At six am the next morning, about three and half hours after we fell asleep, three loud bangs on my door had me sitting straight up in bed.

"Who the fuck is that?" Rose grumbled from Ang's bed.

"I don't know. I'll check, go back to sleep." I crawled out of bed and stumbled over to the door, cracking it open the slightest bit.

"Well, you look gorgeous," Edward murmured with a smile. "Here, brought you two coffee."

I groaned and slipped out into the hall so we didn't wake Rose. If we were going to make things were okay between us again, we needed to have a serious talk. Might as well get it over with. "You have some explaining to do."

He groaned and rolled his eyes. "No fucking way. Can't we just forget the whole thing happened like we usually do?"

I ignored him. "Every time something gets heavy between us, you run away with your tail tucked between your legs. If you're with me, you're with me, no exceptions. I'm tired of wondering what the fuck is going on with you for months at a time."

"So, I'm with you, now?"

"Of course, you're with me. You're always with me. You're my copilot, my best friend, my unfriend. It's been shitty without you, I know you've been shitty without me. You're always shitty without me, like it or not."

Edward rearranged the coffee in his hands and grumbled, "So what do you want from me?"

"A promise."

"A what?"

"No matter what you're doing, no matter if you're mad at me, no matter who you're with - when I call, you answer your fucking phone. Period."

"Bella," he groaned.

"I don't care if you've got your dick stuffed up Kimber Hollis' ass, you answer my phone call."

"I'm not your little bitch servant, I'm not gonna' be at your beck and call. I already did the jealous girlfriend thing, I'm not interested in a rerun."

"You think I'm looking for another jealous boyfriend right now? I'm not asking as your girlfriend, dickhead. I'm asking as your best friend, someone who honestly loves you, probably the only one who does. When you stop talking to me, I go for weeks thinking you've died or contracted Ebola virus. You're worse than a girl."

He smirked.

"And, in return," I continued, "no matter what I'm doing, no matter if I'm mad at you, no matter who I'm with, I'll answer your call. That's the deal, got it? Otherwise, I'm not going to keep putting myself through this. I've had a lot of time to think about who's important to me, and who's just filler. I love you, but if you continue to blow me off whenever we get into a fight, I can't have you in my life."

He seemed to debate what I was saying for a second, then nodded and said, "Alright, deal."

"Pinky swear." I held my finger out.

He didn't argue this time, just wrapped his end finger around mine and trudged past me into my room. "Wake up, Rose. Time to go," he announced, clicking the lights on and off rapidly.

"Why are you even here?" she grumbled, throwing her pillow at him. "We can make it home on our own, thank you very much."

"You think my brother would let me fly you all the way out here and _not _make sure you got home okay?" Edward replied.

She just grunted in response, pulling the covers back over her head. "I hate you so much right now."

"I'll get your truck." Edward grabbed the keys off my computer desk and headed down the hall.

And just like that, we were back to normal. It was so strange. It actually _felt _back to normal. Six months, I've been living with this wrench in my gut, the place where Edward's presence used to fill. When we were fighting or not talking to each other, I actually felt sick about it. With one little pinkie swear, we were back on track. Sure, we still had issues, sure there was a lot left unsaid between us, but there would be time for that. For the first time ever in our relationship, we had nothing but time. That and a whole summer ahead of us, free of the restraints that had held us back last summer.

Suddenly, Alice's lake house held a whole new layer of excitement.

Ten hours on the road later, we checked into the same, disgusting run down motel we always did. Despite what happened to me and the twists and turns in my life, this place never seemed to change. The old bald guy with the beard still ran the office, the sunset was still a brilliant array of oranges and purples, and the mildewy musk of the room never ceased to stop me in my tracks.

Immediately after getting into my room, I decided to take a shower. There's nothing like a day on the road to make me feel grungy. After I was done, I realized I left my changes of clothes in the other room, so I wrapped the towel under my shoulders and trudged out of the bathroom, where Edward and Rose sat on the same bed, obviously talking about me. They shut up the minute the door opened.

"What?" I asked, giving them both a deer in headlights stare.

"Nothing," Edward blurted.

"Yeah, nothing," Rose repeated, a sneaky little smile on her lips. She took a sip of her shot and gave me a wink.

"Okay." I walked to my bed to grab my bag, and as soon as my back was in view to them, I heard it - the audible gasp. Neither had seen my scars.

"Oh my god," Rose whispered. Tears stung my eyes, but I pushed them back. _If I fail, he wins. If I cry, he wins. _

"I know. I'm hideous, right?" I retorted. I couldn't find the strength to turn around and see their expressions. No doubt the one on Edward's face would haunt me forever. So I fumbled through the backpack with my clothes in it, quickly grabbing some underwear, a tank top (It was strangely hot in Oregon for the season - some La Nina heatwave bullshit.) and a pair of gym shorts. "You should see the one on my knee."

"Bella," Rose murmured.

"No, it's okay. I'm on a strict Vitamin E moisturizing regiment. So, you know. They'll fade eventually." On second thought, screw the heat. I really didn't want them staring at those disgusting lines on my back all night so I snatched my black hoodie and ran back into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me before the tears could fall. Deep breath in … One. Deep breath out … two. Deep breath in … three. _If I fail, he wins. If I cry, he wins. He can't win. I am better, strong, smarter than he made me out to be._

Once I was dressed and the scars were fully covered by a thick hoodie, I came back out and forced a smile.

Rose was already standing there with her towel and change of clothes. "My turn in the shower." Within seconds, she brushed past me into the bathroom and shut the door behind her, leaving me alone with Edward.

"Hey you," he murmured, padding the spot on the bed next to him. He took a puff of his cigarette, blew out the smoke and followed that with a sip of his drink.

"Hey yourself." I smiled and walked over to the other bed, plopping down in the spot by the window instead. It was way too early to sit right next to him. Who knew where that would lead? He looked great despite having fractured half his skull a few months ago. Aside from the little kink in his nose right at the bridge. Lucky bastard. Grabbing my pillow and placing it on my lap, I fiddled with a loose string while I crossed my legs, the silence stifling the life out of me. I had to say something. "Alright, twenty questions? I'll go first. Why'd you fly Rose out here for me?"

"I figured you could use a friend. Was that okay?"

I nodded and gave him a shrug. "I could have used you, you know that of course."

He shrugged indifferently, even though I knew for a fact he could have used me too. We needed each other. "Have you talked to Jake since the whole thing?" he asked.

"No fucking way, you?" I retorted.

He just glared at me as a response.

"Why were you so mad at me?" I continued.

"I already told you, I wasn't mad at you," he answered, taking another sip of his drink. "Why didn't you tell me you almost made out with Garrett on his birthday?"

"Do you really expect me to tell you everything that has to do with Garrett?"

Another glare.

"I did tell you actually, right before you threw up all over me."

"Ah, and so the end justified the means."

I smirked.

"You ever - ya' know - hook up with him or anything?" he continued, taking a sip of his drink.

"Jealous?" I raised an eyebrow expectantly.

"Not a chance, princess." His eyes flashed with something that I read as desire. He was lying. "Just curious."

I conspicuously ignored his question. Edward didn't need to know about the repeated Hot for Teacher daydreams I'd had all of last semester. "If you weren't mad at me, why didn't you return any of my calls for five months?"

Edward sighed and looked down to his drink, avoiding my gaze all together. "Pass."

"We've already had this argument, Edward. You can't pass."

"Yes I can," he snapped.

"No you can't. Not the way I play." I threw my pillow at him out of sheer frustration. "Just answer the fucking question already."

Evidently, my pillow hit his hand which spilled his drink all down the front of his shirt. His face froze in a nonplussed expression while he calmly placed his glass on the counter and his cigarette in the ashtray. The next thing I knew, he was on me, fingers buried deep in my arm pits, his long legs holding mine down at the knees. My skin radiated energy everywhere he touched, which only amplified the ticklish feeling. I squirmed and screamed and laughed and tried to push him off me, and that only made his grab onto me harder, pinning my hands above my head by my wrists.

His scent swirled around my head, ever intoxicating me. His natural manly, sweet smell mixed with Axe Body Spray and I couldn't get enough. That smell alone turned me on in ways unexplainable. It felt insanely good to play around with Edward again, to have him touching me, to be spending time with him. It was even more exciting knowing that we were free - for the first time since we started sharing secrets, we didn't have to dread anyone finding out about them. Anyone who would care was currently on the other side of the world. Fuck all the rest.

Our friendship wasn't the only thing rekindled between us at the moment. A certain hardness pressed into my pelvis through his denim jeans, and that feral, wanton look in his eyes grew more intense. He stopped tickling me, just started into my eyes, our lips centimeters from each other. Heat radiated off him, adding to the already unusual humid conditions in Oregon today, making my parts sticky even though I'd just taken a shower. Sparks cascaded down my arms from where he had my hands pinned, and with one little adjustment, he could be between my legs. Right now, my knee at his chest prevented that.

Would I? Should I?

The look on his face suggested he knew it too. He was daring me. Would I move that leg? Would I bring it around so that he could rest that rock hard cock where I really wanted it?

I licked my lips and took a deep breath in desperate attempts to slow my racing pulse. My heart pounded heavily in chest, thump, thump, thump. It was all I could hear, that and Edward's heart beating just as hard. Quivering, my thighs parted for him, my knee pushing just the littlest bit further to the right. As soon as he realized what I was doing, he grabbed the spot behind my knee and hitched my leg on his hip, pressing his forehead tenderly to mine. His arousal, now fully erect, pulsated and throbbed against my wet panties, churning up butterflies in my stomach.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Edward Cullen?" I whispered, hooking my ankles together behind his back.

"You bet. Is it working?"

"You're getting there."

"What else do I have to do?" Warm, delicious cock passed over my clit again, shooting euphoria up my spine. My loins throbbed for his entry, and every nerve in my body actually screamed for his skin. I didn't think it was possible to be so turned on.

"I remember a certain bet about getting in my pants before junior year. You want it, you better get on your knees and beg me for it." Hands still pinned above my head, I tried to lean in to kiss him, but only made it so far before he pulled back and laughed.

"And I remember a certain bet about a lap dance. You want it, you better start stripping."

"Ahh, an impasse. So what happens now?" I murmured with a giggle.

"You give me my strip tease, you're out of the other bet."

"That sounds like a win-win for you all around."

"You do remember that if you lost the other one, you owed me five hundred dollars, right? Look on the bright side, not only do you get the best fucking of your life, but you also get to keep your money."

"I suppose that's a point." I sniggered, rolling my hips so that my clit passed over the head of his cock. His jaw fell open from the contact, enough for me to run my tongue over his bottom lip. "Tell me the truth, Edward. Why were you avoiding me?"

He sighed and ran a hand over his hair, releasing my hands from his hold. "I sat there at the hospital, watching the doctor pull all of that glass out of your back, hating Jake, hating that I couldn't stop what happened. Every time I saw you, every time I saw your wounds, it pissed me off all over again. I couldn't . . . I just couldn't deal with it."

Ah, and so it all made sense. How could I even blame him for that? Would I have done the same thing in his shoes? Probably, but I definitely wouldn't have avoided him for so long. He had some ass kissing to do.

The truth was, lying here underneath him, laughing and giggling and tickling and flirting, it was the best I'd felt since last year, and I'd be remiss if I said I wanted it to end. I could go the rest of my life and never leave his side again. Hence the promise I made this morning. He swore he'd never refuse a call from me again. Therefore, I had a guaranteed lifetime of Edward – and that's all I ever wanted.

He felt so . . . right. And I had waited so long for him, every second more was torture. Sure, I didn't want a boyfriend right now, and I had no misconceptions that he wanted a girlfriend. I just wanted _him, _all of him, in any package that came. Friend. Lover. Bedmate.

The water on the shower turned off, indicating Rose was done and would be out any second. "Well, thanks for Rose. That's all I wanted to say," I muttered, pushing at his shoulders for him to get up.

He didn't budge. "You're welcome. You sure that's all you want to say?"

"What? You want a lap dance? Right now?"

"Yeah, if you're offering. And if you could talk Rose into accompanying you, that would be awesome."

"Ugh!" I pushed him super hard this time, forcing him onto his side. I climbed out from under him and walked to the table to pour myself a screwdriver. "Pig."

"Seriously though. You have a thing for Garrett?" he asked, a bit of rejection in his voice.

"Seriously?" I shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. Won't be seeing him for another three months, so it really doesn't matter much, does it?"

"Guess not," Edward replied, laying back on the bed and folding his arms under his head. "Hey, wanna' get high?"

"Yeah!" came a muffled disembodied voice from the bathroom.

I snorted a laugh. "Yeah, sure, Towelie. Go ahead and spark it up."


End file.
